Kronots
by Zing-baby
Summary: Set six months after ME1, Shepard isn't allowed more assingments or missions until Ilos is investigated and the Reapers are destroyed. Then she is hurled into a new adventure that threatens her life... and her relationship. Shenko Adventure! Now complete!
1. Suspended in Time

**General Disclaimer for Kronots: I do not own the Mass Effect world. We have Bioware and Drew Karpyshyn to thank for the brilliance.**

**Chapter I: Suspended in Time**

"_A child and a fool in one,_

_So sure I could need no one_

_My heart, always on the run to nowhere._

_And now, as you're holding me_

_My heart is reminding me_

_That now I could never be, without you."_

_-Suspended in Time, _from Xanadu

**Shepard**

"Careful! Careful!" Commander Shepard stood surrounded by boxes in her new living room, jumping with outstretched arms as Kaidan Alenko grunted under the pressure of carrying her favorite chair through the front door. He momentarily paused his work to poke his head out from behind the huge chair and raise his eyebrows at her.

"Sure, 'you hold off these eighty geth while I drill ten gallons of plasma into these ninety'- no problem. But '_be careful'_ with the dead cow skin couch."

Shepard put her hands on her hips, even as she tried to hide her smile at his remark. "Ha ha, so _not_ funny." She said as Kaidan set the piece of furniture in the room, waiting for her to direct him to its new home in the apartment.

"Besides," Shepard stroked the leather lovingly, "it's not a couch. It's a chair. _One seat_." She said it with emphasis and a little attitude, daring the man to contradict her.

"Well," Alenko said, strolling to the opposite side of the piece of furniture. He leaned in to assert his point, raising his eyebrows again. "It's one huge-ass chair."

The commander rested her hands on the seat and leaned over as well so her face was in close proximity to his. "Do you have a problem with the chair, Mr. Alenko?"

"No ma'am." He answered in his soldier voice.

"Good." She rewarded him with a light kiss and smiled before straightening and moving the chair herself into the east corner, arranging it halfway between the front door and the vid-screen.

"Okay, I understand that your marine paranoia warns you to face the door, and your common sense suggests you tilt it towards the vid-screen, but doesn't turning it halfway between the two negate both benefits?"

"No," Shepard said matter-of-factly as she straightened and strode up to him. She laced her hands around his neck, letting him wrap his arms around her waist in return. "This way you can see both. Besides…" she said, just barely letting her lips brush against his, teasing him, "It's a 'huge-ass' chair."

"Hmmmm." Kaidan agreed, squeezing her into him.

She smiled. "I thought I would be restless, waiting here on shore leave while the research team investigates Ilos, but this," she said tilting her head, "I could get used to this." Shepard hugged him before turning and walking towards the kitchen, immediately heading for the first appliance installed in their new home on the wards; the coffee maker. She poured two cups and brought them back to where Alenko stood looking out the window, handing him one with a wink.

"I just wish I knew how much time we had." He commented, taking the cup from her gratefully.

Shepard shrugged, turned, and hopped backwards with dexterity onto the window sill. "No clue... but given the probable future ahead of us, I can't really argue the Alliance's decision to take the money we'd waste just randomly searching the galaxy for a link in to dark space and instead using it to build more fighters. Any ship at this point is an asset. They may as well bulk up what they can while it's quiet. And as much as I wish I could feel like we were making headway in the Reaper mission, unless the council is willing to open up the Citadel Relay- which would be a new level of stupid, even for them- we just have to hope the Ilos team turns up some evidence as to where to start looking. And soon."

"You're in a hurry?" Kaidan asked, taking a sip of his coffee and turning from the window to face the same direction she was. Still, Shepard could not claim to have missed the curiosity in his tone. She reminded herself that their time together wasn't going to last forever, and once it ended, she'd probably wish she'd enjoyed it more.

"I don't know." She said thoughtfully, trying not to look directly at his eyes so she wouldn't change her mind. "Relatively, I suppose, I am. As much as I'd like to pretend it's not at the forefront of my mind… Well, you know." She finally made herself look up and she caught his eyes as he gazed at her over the rim of his mug.

"You think that would upset me." He said. It wasn't a question.

"Not upset you." She shook her head. "I just didn't want you to get the wrong impression. It's not that these last few months haven't been absolutely amazing. It's just-"

"It's just," He interjected. He set his mug on the nearby end table and then reached for hers and placed it alongside his own. He then returned to her and stood between her legs, resting his hands on her thighs. "That we could plan more, and enjoy our time more if we didn't have to worry about it ending on a moment's notice." He finished.

"Exactly." She smiled weakly, tilting her head down to his, only inches apart. Did he always have to understand so well? "Kaidan, I don't know if I ever told you, but I haven't been this happy in a long time." She admitted quietly. "And the truth is, I hate that I can only _imagine_ what it could feel like if I knew that there wasn't an ever looming end to it, you know?"

His eyes lit in a way he could never hide. His lips lifted in a warm smile and she felt his fingertips on the edge of her jaw. "I know." He closed the space between them and softly kissed her. When he pulled back he closed his eyes and breathed deeply, stroking her cheek. "I don't like just waiting for the Reapers to show up and rip it all away either." He sighed and then smiled as if remembering where he was. "But that doesn't answer my question."

She took his hand in both of hers and held it tightly, soothed by the touch. "Well," she tilted her head back on the glass, "they've got legions of scientists, archeologists and researchers out on Ilos. As many people as they can get away with without ticking the Terminus Systems off. And Liara will have them in shape I'm sure. If there's something to find, they will. Who knows what we'll learn from Vigil, let alone whatever else might be on the compound. Still…" She closed her eyes and took in the light filtering through the window. "That could take the better part of eight months before they find the right piece of information. Especially with all the problems the Council is having with the Hanar who want to stop the Ilos project. You know them and their devotion to the Enkindlers...

"I just don't think the Reapers will wait that long before finding _us_. It's already been six months since the attack on the Citadel, by now they sure as hell must've realized things didn't go their way."

Kaidan's hands squeezed her legs comfortingly. She sat up and held on to his shoulders, pushing him gently away so she could climb back down off the window. He obliged, and she went to take a sip of her cooling coffee.

"Saren had to use the Citadel relay because their usually way of returning failed them." Kaidan said from the window. "And then Sovereign failed too. And it took Saren considerable time to prepare _that _possible route for them." Shepard turned to him to see his back against the sun-warmed glass, arms crossed against his chest. "Even if they had a backup plan, if it were faster than the three months it took to indoctrinate an organic, track down the Mu Relay, and plan a sneak attack on the Citadel to gain control, that would've been their first choice."

"Kaidan, it's already been twice that amount of time." She set her cup back down and returned to him.

He looked at her intently. "Shepard, they don't think in our time. They've been waiting for over sixty thousand years since they've wiped out the last cycle, what's another hundred? Maybe a half an hour by comparison even _if_ they had a good contingency plan, and let's face it, they had no clue they would be facing any resistance from our end. For all we know, our role in this could be done, and we have to hope that two generations from now humanity will have the same perseverance we do- to protect itself and the rest of civilization."

She shook her head, determined. "I can't trust anyone but myself to get the job done, to protect the galaxy. I can't trust anyone to be willing to give as much as I would to save it, to not give up. No… _I'm_ going to find a way to stop them. I want to _know_ my grandchildren are safe."

His expression changed and he reached for her, unlatching her arms. "I know. You're right. And I'll follow you. I know you can do it."

She saw the barely concealed emotion behind his brown eyes and was overwhelmed by a sense of appreciation for him. For all he dealt with when it came to her, all he was willing to go through. Sneaking around had been hard, and even now there were guidelines and a code of conduct, and yet he treated her as if she had given him the world just by being herself.

She pressed against him and the wall behind him, bracing herself by planting her hands against the window behind his head. He grasped her waist in his hands before she'd even kissed him. She held him still for a moment, carefully kissing the scar just below his bottom lip before letting him return the affection. It was their little something-special.

Yes, letting herself become overwhelmed was bad, and she pulled away sooner than she really wanted to, out of habit. He sighed subtly when she did, but he was used to this reaction and always understood it.

_Sweethearted bastard that he is_. Shepard smiled. She couldn't help but kiss him again lightly before stepping to a safe distance away from him and looking around the apartment to figure out what she could busy herself with now.

Kaidan had allowed her to decorate it in a similarly sleek and practical style of the _Normandy_. As impartial as she felt about such a domestic task, it pleased her to order the subdued blue paint and synthetic grey tile. It calmed Shepard to be on the _Normandy_. Strangely enough, life seemed less complicated on board. Once she was on her ship in her blue camouflage uniform, there was a job to do. It was always clear, always laid in front of her and all she had to do was make decisions, let her senses do the shooting, and slip herself the occasional medi-gel pack. She knew where she stood on the _Normandy_. Work was simple.

She absently rearranged a couple of the boxes in the nearest stack to search for the one containing books, and upon finding it carried an armload to the corner standing bookshelf. She fought with the volumes already there a moment, one arm struggling to hold the books she's grabbed in place, when out of nowhere Kaidan's hand appeared at her left holding the compilations in the shelf straight while she placed the new ones on the other side.

"Always trying to take on more than you can handle on your own."

"I would've done it." She defended, somehow managing to sound playful about it. She nudged him gently before going for another stack. She was almost too aware that he followed her, pretending to grab something else, just in case she needed him again.

"Shepard," Kaidan asked behind her, retrieving the very few framed pictures they had of themselves together out of yet another box, "how long would you say we've been together?"

She smiled this time as he reached around her, placing the photos on the next shelf down. The first one was the one of when the Captain and Admiral had awarded her, Alenko, Joker and Ashley their Stars of Terra. They all stood proudly together; Lynn had come to accept the Chief's Star. That had been one emotional day all around.

Joker had refused to shave, but Shepard couldn't picture him without his beard. It had been strange enough to see him in crutches and a leg brace, his SSV NORMANDY cap missing from his head.

The next photo was the one Emily Wong had snapped when the two has snuck a kiss during the Presidium Reconstruction and Recovery Project. There they were in off-duty Alliance garb, surrounded by rubble, each carrying an armful of tiles. At the time it had been so spontaneous, so unlike them to do such a thing in public. But she'd made some silly joke and Kaidan simply leaned over as they walked and gave her a quick kiss. Shepard had to admit, Wong had a knack for having a camera handy at just the right moment. And though she'd never confess it (doing so would seem as if she were grateful in the end for the slip-up), it was her favorite. If she made herself look at it without bias, pretending it was someone else completely, she'd even call it artful. The subjects were far enough away from the camera that the image caught both bodies from head to toe, the captured motion almost graceful and natural. The construction lights behind them causing an artistic lining around the couple's faces as they met…

It was the photo that had appeared in the media when Admiral Hackett begrudgingly agreed to turn the other cheek over the issue of their past and current fraternization. They were still reprimanded rather thoroughly for letting it go so far in the first place, but by then Shepard had more than demonstrated she could get the job done regardless of any relationships, and inevitably it seemed the Alliance hadn't pressed for repercussions. They probably recognized that Shepard, now being a spectre, could leave the Alliance comfortably, and Hackett couldn't afford to lose her. There was nothing to gain from punishing either of them if their relationship didn't threaten her capability. She knew in her heart it still shouldn't have been allowed, but she had learned enough of politics in the last year to recognize a gift when it presented itself.

Even after _tolerance_ was granted, she and Alenko continued to restrain themselves from public displays of affection. If not out of habit, out of duty they felt to contain themselves. Shepard was constantly worried that one day she might have to deal with the mortification of finding out one of her crew had been harassed by some arrogant paparazzi bastard looking for scandalous details. She inwardly shuddered at the thought even now.

Despite their precautions however, it took no time at all for their involvement to go public. And ironically enough, military enrollment skyrocketed after the broadcast. That was the part that frustrated the commander the most. That some people would be naïve enough to join the Alliance because it seemed some of the rules had changed. For about two weeks she expected to hear from Hackett that he had changed his mind in order to make an example of her, but the call never came. She only hoped that there were enough DI's with sticks up their asses (like her own) to squash the naiveté out of the recruits and quickly. They were still soldiers, and soldiers didn't get the luxury of getting to care about just anyone.

Still, the 'first human spectre' and 'esteemed Alliance officer' filled news report for awhile. Joker, who admitted later to knowing about the whole thing (how could he not, Shepard was convinced he'd been watching them for weeks for the best opportunities to interrupt them, which he did frequently) pitched them both all types of hype. "HUMAN SPECTRE SCREWS THE ALLIANCE!" He'd said, imitating the numerous... less crude headlines. Given Shepard's past, she'd dealt with press before, discovered how words could be (and often were) twisted. And she'd get ticked when her statements were mutated to serve the means of some corporate enemy. It wasn't until recently that she had succeeded in no longer bothering herself with the media and what they accused her of. Some trashy magazine tried to make it sound like Kaidan had to compete for her attention with more than two others, one of which was a turian she'd met briefly for an assignment in the wards. Kaidan had laughed and seemed completely unconcerned, but it genuinely got to Shepard, and she completely lost her respect for the slimey money grubbers after that. That and when the news tried to pass off Sovereign's attack as simply 'some geth experimental technology', but at least there were reason for that. Public panic was the last thing they needed.

Shepard had come to expect that when the Reaper threat had diminished and the two could return to 'normal' assignments Kaidan would be reassigned off the _Normandy_. But for now, the galaxy needed the best of the best and that meant having both Alenko and Shepard on the same team.

The last picture Kaidan placed was taken about two months ago. It was a photo of them, Garrus, Tali, Liara and Wrex out in front of the new club called Zeta that had opened upon the completion of the Presidium reconstruction. They had planned to wait until the entire Citadel repairs were finished, but then the news came that Liara would be heading the Ilos research team, the group decided to celebrate. It was later that night that Kaidan suggested they move in together, which at the time seemed reasonable. They needed a place to stay on the Citadel anyway until the reconstruction was completed, and they'd already been hotel hopping together since leave had started.

And since then whenever they weren't volunteering to work on the remaining portions of the station they had searched for a place and moved in. Because they knew they would be spending the majority of their future on Alliance vessels, they had settled for only the basics. They were now the owners of a streamlined, practical, two bedroom apartment in the wards. They brought only the necessities, including physical training equipment of course.

"I mean," Kaidan said when she didn't reply, "when we actually started was kind of fuzzy." He teased.

She mentally shook herself to remember what he'd been saying. "For someone who didn't want to 'muddy things' you definitely weren't very clear on that particular subject." She leaned into him with her shoulder teasingly, and turned away from the photos to look at him, finding that while she'd been thinking he'd finished emptying the 'book' box.

"Well," she began, pretending to think real hard, "Liara suspected we had a relationship after our second mission-"

"Like she knows anything about human relationships." He laughed.

"Well, it was around that time if I had to say that we started getting more serious about each other. It took us about two months after that to kill Sovereign, and there's been six months since then… Wow." Her eyebrows rose slightly. "Eight months. I hadn't realized how much time had passed."

"Eight months." He repeated, a little disbelieving himself. "I mean, I'm counting the time we had a 'relationship' but weren't 'together' yet." He smirked. It was a different expression for him, something he seemed to have picked up from her or possibly Joker.

"It doesn't seem that long." She commented. "We've been so busy."

"Hold on a sec…" Kaidan tilted his head to one side from where he stood over a pile of towels by the window. Behind him the light was darkening into dusk. "I've known you longer than our relationship." He began, speeding up when she gave him her _well, obviously_ look. "Eden Prime was some four months before that."

"Do you have a point Tenderfoot, or should I draw you out a timeline now and save you the trouble?" She teased. She always called him 'Tenderfoot' when he did things like this; things that made it almost impossible to imagine him fighting beside her, tense and glowing with biotic power as he drilled incendiary rounds into synthetics. _Tenderfoot_ was her way for saying he was one giant goofball.

Kaidan tried to look irritated at her sarcasm but the corners of his mouth twitched into a smile. "What I meant was, in the whole time I've known you, you've never celebrated a birthday."

Shepard had been folding a blanket over the back of her leather chair when she thought about this. She couldn't remember the last time she had even acknowledged her birthday. She just kind of added a year to her age when a new year began. And even then she didn't think about it unless someone asked her how old she was- which few were ever brave enough to do. She hadn't celebrated a birthday since Mindoir. Not out of self-pity or depression, but for the simple practical thought that she hadn't had anyone to share it with. Now, she supposed she would have her team, with whom she had grown close, to celebrate with. She even had someone special to mark the day with. Of course, Kaidan's birthday had been earlier on in her friendship with him, when they had barely skimmed the surface of flirting. It had been just after their first mission, during the downtime they had until they reached the Citadel where Commander Shepard had a meeting with the asari Nassana Dantius. Of course on duty you didn't 'celebrate'; it was more of a polite acknowledgement.

Shepard smiled at the memory of him stumbling when she had finally wished him happy birthday and finished fiddling with the blanket. She walked to the front of the chair and plopped down unceremoniously into it. She stretched her legs out in front of her and smiled, knowing she wouldn't take the past eight months back for anything. She realized, by her and Kaidan's newly developed and carefully mapped mental timeline that the lieutenant had a birthday coming up in about a month and a half.

"So?" Kaidan stated, interrupting her thoughts. He leaned over her, an arm on either side, supporting himself on the armrests.

"_So_, what?" She challenged, crossing her arms.

"So is the huge-ass chair big enough for two small asses?"

Shepard thought about quipping back that she wasn't about to share her favorite seat in the apartment, but it was _their_ apartment. And she reminded herself that if she wasn't willing to share with Kaidan Alenko she was going to die a stingy old maid.

"Okay," she sighed, standing up and pushing him into the chair with such force that sound escaped his lips in surprise, "but only because they are the two best asses on this whole damn space station." She slid on to his lap. Even with her half sitting-half laying across the chair it fit the two very comfortably. Kaidan leaned his head back into the leather and groaned.

"You were right." He closed his eyes. "This is the best seat in the galaxy."

"Great." The commander said, rolling her eyes and crossing her legs over the cushioned arm. "Let's just cover the whole apartment in dead cow skin."

Kaidan smiled and absently ran his hand over her shin. "Okay, so it might have _something_ to do with the woman in my lap."

Shepard rolled her eyes again and leaned in to snuggle into his shoulder. "Don't hurt yourself there, Tenderfoot."

He rested his head on hers and her hand found the one he'd placed on her leg and she laced her fingers through it. She sensed his eyes close again and she listened to his heart beat for a few moments. Even with all they had experienced, she still couldn't deny that they had very few moments like this. She was constantly thinking about the Reapers, or missions, or newest weapons, or whose life she was going to save next. Times like this moment were few and far between, mainly because it made her feel in ways she simply wasn't used to, and it was unnerving for her to feel so... vulnerable. All her life her choices had been based on logic and tactics. She had purposefully isolated herself against any connection with something as fragile as another human being, including friendships for the longest time. From a military career perspective, it was just bad business.

And this, whatever this was… it was more frightening than anything the Reapers could threaten. She had always made it so hard for people to get to her, it had been so hard to let people in, and in many ways it protected her over the years, made her stronger. She was unaccustomed to having something so precious to lose. Now the thought that one day she could lose it, one day they might not both come back from a mission, damn near broke her heart. It was times like this that made her want to put him in cryogenic state, safe and perfect forever.

"When is your birthday?" He asked, quietly but suddenly.

"I don't know." Maybe she had sub-consciously hidden that data after Mindoir, but more than likely she had just lost it to make room for more practical information.

"May third."

"Excuse me?" She tilted her head back to look at him.

"What? You don't think I'm just going to just let you stay twenty-nine forever while I just keep getting older, do you? I've always like that date. It was my grandmother's birthday you know. Plus, it gives me a few days until your next one."

Shepard shook her head. "Alright, fine. But," she commented stroking his sideburn with the index finger of her free hand, "that also means you missed one last year."

He chuckled. "Well, I don't get the luxury of saving your ass as you saved mine on _my_ birthday. Maybe I'll get to return the favor someday, but I don't think anything is going to happen to us in our own home." He stopped and waited for her to laugh with him but she just laid her head back down on his shoulder. After a moment he shifted her a little so he could sit up. She looked at him expectantly as he released her right hand from his grip and brought his fingers to her face, stroking her bottom lip with his thumb. "Happy late birthday, Shepard." He slowly touched his lips to hers.

Shepard closed her eyes out of habit but was no less shocked by how gentle he was being. He was being careful, working hard to keep the kiss slow and sweet. It was tender and non-demanding.

_It's perfect._ She thought, afraid to move even to touch him, afraid of ruining it. It reminded her of the night before Ilos, when everything had been too caring and tender to be a simple act of lust, despite how badly they had anticipated a more untamed experience. Just like this kiss, it wasn't about the sex or the high you got from it; it was only and utterly about sweet affection.

It took her a moment to open her eyes even after he had released his hold on her. His eyes were soft, his smile gentle; just as she remembered it waking up after Eden Prime. When she finally caught her breath she raised her eyebrows at him.

"Holy hell." She whispered involuntarily. Again she felt a little uneasy about how easily overwhelmed she had become by the pure emotion he had poured into her, so helplessly weak. But he only laughed at her expression and kissed her nose.

"More boxes!" A voice called from the door, and the two groaned. Shepard stood so Kaidan could collect the boxes from the mover. He placed the boxes in yet another stack and she tipped the mover. She was beginning to think that Joker had been channeling the galaxy to interrupt them in his absence.

Kaidan, reading her mind, stood from the freshly stacked boxes and moved to hold her again but she side-stepped him.

"So," she glided away from him and began combing through one of the stacked boxes closer the back of the room, "when is the last of your stuff arriving?"

"Oh, I have a couple boxes that should be arriving tonight, a few more in the morning, and then we'll be all moved in." Kaidan's voice was right behind her and soon his arms wrapped around her waist, hugging her as she sorted. "Come back here."

She sighed lightly, and looked out the window, darkness settling in. She smiled in spite of herself as he began gently rocking her from side to side. "You know, I killed the last man that snuck up behind me." She teased, turning into him. His hands lowered and she felt tiny trails where his fingers ran. "You are making it very hard to get work done." She smirked as he backed her into the stacked boxes.

"That's why I waited until shore leave to do this." He justified with a sly smile. He kissed her more aggressively and she welcomed it, feeling somehow safer in the physical side of their relationship than the emotional. That is, until one of the boxes the commander had been pressed into toppled over, spilling its contents on the floor.

"Shit, the good pillows." Kaidan groaned, shaking his head and breaking away from her to bend over and pick up them up.

"Mmmmm-mmmm." Shepard commented as he knelt down. "Damn, my lover is one hot piece of- Aaah!!"

Kaidan had grabbed her mid-sentence and was trying to wrestle her to the ground. He'd gotten her to her knees but it was obvious he had been aiming to pin her. He whooped playfully as she fought.

"Don't start something you can't finish, Alenko!" She said, laughing and pushing against him to gain the upper hand. She was tough, but he was naturally a great deal stronger. "I bet I take you out!"

"I wouldn't take that bet!" He said between laughs. He finally got a good grip around her stomach and she found herself falling over his shoulder and suddenly her back was against the tiled floor. He quickly straddled her and held her wrists above her head.

"Well now, Commander," he said, breathing heavily, "you are in one compromising position."

"Let go of my hands and I'll show you a compromising position." She threatened.

He released her wrists and leaned in to kiss her, but she grabbed one of the nearby pillows and hit him upside the head with it, sending him careening off of her and onto the floor. In another four seconds she had climbed on top of him.

"Now who's in a compromising position?" She asked, still laughing.

"Me." He said simply, clearly enjoy every second.

"That's right biotic-boy." She teased. She leaned down to kiss his neck.

"Careful Shepard… You're bringing new meaning to the phrase 'abusing your position'!"

She couldn't help but smile, even as her lips pressed against his skin. And soon he was chuckling with her. She let him roll them once more to regain his position on top and he began reciprocate her kisses.

"I have a delivery for a Kaidan Alenko!" A voice sounded from the doorway that they had forgotten to close.

"God _damn _it!" Kaidan exclaimed, rolling on his back and letting out a breath of frustration.

"I'll get it." Shepard sighed, reluctantly beginning to stand.

"Yeah well, you'd better. You're the one who insisted on old style doors that _don't_ close on their own."

She shook her head and straightened up.

She heard the blast before she realized what had happened. Her eyes immediately widened at the sound and then she felt a pain unlike anything she had ever remembered burst through her upper chest, close to her shoulder.

Her eyes only barely recognized the sight of a petite woman before it clicked in her head that she'd been shot. A mane of glimmering white hair and piercing blue eyes of hatred, both clashing with dark ethnic skin; these things hit her about the same time as the second blast, all within the same second. Shepard's eyes winced at the glinting gun and the force made her stagger back.

It was in her shoulder still, the pain spreading. Everything was in slow motion, the shock immobilizing Shepard dangerously. In the step she'd been forced back she'd crashed into the end table. The coffee cups were thrown violently from their perch and shattered on the tiled floors, liquid splattering across the floor. Hidden against the back of the row of stacked boxes Kaidan was curled, covering his head instinctively. Had he been shot? In half a second she looked down to see blood spreading down the front of her shirt.

A third blast. This time Shepard was knocked against the back wall, the entry within a couple inches of the first two. She still didn't scream. It was as if she'd forgotten how. She looked into the eyes of shooter.

And she saw surprise. The attacker seemed as though caught off guard for a second, like she couldn't believe what she'd done. And then recognition, hatred. Shepard had faced those before.

All of a sudden she felt horribly dizzy and her legs gave out beneath her. Slowly Shepard slid down the wall. Her mind finally registered the agonizing pain in her shoulder and she felt delirious with it. Her vision blurred.

She was out of sight from the door way now. She made herself focus to see, but all she remembered were the shine of Kaidan's eyes as he looked up, a horrified expression on his face. He rolled to the side table and reached beneath it to where Shepard had hidden a spare handheld pistol, just in case.

She saw her soldier stand in poised position, searching for the culprit, and then she couldn't concentrate on that anymore. Something new in her wound… a burning, searing sensation. She'd never been shot with incendiary rounds before, but she became terrified that maybe she might've just had her first experience.

Out of her peripheral her lieutenant disappeared around a corner, but she couldn't call after him. Waves after wave of something sick radiated from her wound and her chest nearly seized in her effort to keep from screaming. But she was losing the battle, the shout was rising up her throat. It hurt so badly, so god damned bad.

She pulled her hand back from the wound (though she didn't recall covering it), to find it thick with blood. She began shaking. But the air to the wound only seemed to quicken the reaction she seemed to be having with the bullet.

"Son of a _bitch_!" She hissed through gritted teeth, no longer able to restrain herself.

A light of blue entered her vision, and Kaidan was kneeling in front of her, his biotic barrier dissipating. "Shepard, Shepard talk to me."

His hands were on her face trying to help her focus. She tried to see his face through the haze.

"Shepard!"

"I'm okay." She finally said as his eyes became sharper in her vision. "I'm-" She struggled with the cry crawling up her throat. She reached out a hand to him.

"Help me up, Alenko!" She gasped, trying to stand. The pain automatically threw her into commander mode.

Kaidan put her arm around his neck and let her lean on him. Once she was on her feet he knelt for a moment and she felt his hands behind her knees getting ready to lift.

"I can walk." She insisted, trying to think about anything but the pain.

"Are you sure?" He sounded angry, but she couldn't worry about that right now.

Shepard shouted through clenched teeth again as another wave hit her, and that helped sober her up. "Just get me to a god damned med clinic! Radio Chakwas and tell her to meet us there!" She ground out one last yell to suppress the pain as she pressed one of the fallen pillows onto the wound and stormed out of the apartment.


	2. Valkyrie

**Chapter II: Valkyrie**

"_If only you'll hold on, just hold on,_

_I'm here and I'm with you._

_I'm here too, I feel you,_

_We'll get through."_

-_Valkyrie Missile_, Angels and Airwaves

**Kaidan**

"Jeezus Christ!" Dr. Michel exclaimed, standing instantly from her desk as her front doors opened to reveal Shepard and Alenko covered in blood. She instantly ran to her supply closet and started yanking out medi-gel and gauze by the handfuls.

Kaidan tried to help Shepard as she groaned to the nearest bed and sat on it, resting her arms on her legs. "Relax." She said upon seeing Dr. Michel's frantic search. "It looks worse than it actually is… Or at least, that's what I'm hoping."

Kaidan took the darkened pillow from out of Shepard's hands and set it on the nearby counter before assisting her with removing her shirt and tossing the bloody thing into the nearest sink. He was trying very hard not to think about just how much blood he was seeing. But his own top was covered in it now, and it made him cringe.

He was the field medic. He should've been used to this.

_No,_ he reminded himself, y_ou're used to cleaning up fully-armored and equipped soldiers. Not civilians. Or loved ones. _

"And vat about heez?" Dr. Michel asked, pointing to the red pool on his shirt.

Kaidan held his hands in the air. "It's all hers." He said nervously, looking on Shepard with genuine concern. Her whole shoulder was throbbing, and three dark holes oozed menacingly. Of course she was trying to act like it wasn't hurting her, but he knew better. Even if she didn't think he did. She'd come out of exploding prothean ruins with less damage…

The doors opened again and Dr. Chakwas stepped through in civvies, followed by Tali.

"I ran into Tali on my way through the- Jesus, Shepard! What happened to you?"

Shepard huffed. "It's not like I had armor shields up in my own home!" She defended.

"Right, Sorry." Dr. Chakwas went over Dr. Michel's desk and opened the file- presumably Shepard's- that she had carried in with her. "Well, you've had worse. Alright Michel, she's allergic to Glaritanin and Mosucalpitine. I'll see to the lieutenant."

"Once again," Kaidan corrected worriedly, "all hers." He leaned back on the cot opposite from where Shepard sat and tried to meet her eyes while attempting to stay out of the way of the whirlwind that had become of Dr. Michel.

Dr. Chakwas eyes widened slightly at his reply and she turned around to join in a more calculated version of Michel's frenzy.

Kaidan watched helplessly as the wounded area went through a preliminary disinfectant and Chackwas reached for a utensil to retrieve the bullets. Shepard eyes went to him instantly and he was drawn from his place to her side. Once there she grabbed onto his hand tightly just as the doctor began to pry at the first entrance.

Kaidan couldn't look at Shepard's shoulder; he just made himself watch her face, as she seemed to be doing with him. She tried to control the scrunches and grimaces of her expression betraying the pain, but still neither of them moved. And she refused to vocalize any sign of discomfort.

Still, Kaidan was very well aware of the fact that he could no longer feel his fingers.

"Well, thank goodness it was standard ammunition instead of incendiary or explosive rounds. Or something else equally as lethal." Dr. Chakwas commented, examining the first bullet as she wiped it clean of Shepard's genetically-enhanced blood. "And that all the shots were in one area. It'll make this process a lot less painful."

Shepard broke her stare with Kaidan and whipped her head sharply to glare at Chakwas.

"I mean, less painful than it could be." Chakwas corrected, smiling over Shepard's head to Alenko at the commander's little quirk.

"_Shit!!_" Shepard shouted suddenly. Kaidan's jump was slightly hindered by the iron vice that was now grinding his hand into dust. He glanced in time to see Michel release what he recognized as a very effective and very _painful_ infection-fighting bacterium into the wound.

"Warning," Shepard gritted between gasps, "would've been good."

"Well, good thing we're in a med clinic." Kaidan said, taking his hand out of Shepard's and shaking it before setting the other in its place between her fingers.

The commander breathed deeply for the next few seconds before continuing. "Look, I don't know what those rounds were, but they sure as hell weren't normal. Standard ammunition does not feel like those did on impact. And these are affecting me strangely... I don't feel so hot."

"She's right." Tali spoke for the first time. They all turned to see her holding up one of the bullets, scrutinizing it from behind her glassy shield. "These are _kronots_. It's a Quarian design, but they are considered black market. Our people outlawed them two years ago because of the intent behind their effects."

The room went quiet as they all watched her expectantly. Kaidan heard her sigh behind her envirosuited mask. He briefly wondered if she ever got tired of explaining herself to other cultures.

"These bullets were host to a genetically designed toxic poison. They _can_ be fatal, but they aren't meant to kill, at least not quickly."

"Then vat eez it meant to achieve?" Michel inquired.

"Incapacitation mostly." The quarian explained. "Enough to keep someone alive for days. But it's not about keeping someone alive, it's about keeping them weak. The victim is haunted by hallucinations, crippling pain, and will drop in and out of consciousness until he or she bleeds out, the toxin has run its course, or the person is re-infected in which case it all starts over; Whichever comes first." Tali dropped the little 'death caplets' back onto a sterile metal tray one by one. "There's no way to really counter it." She added quietly.

Shepard made motion to stand, and Kaidan instantly offered to help.

"I can do it." She insisted grumpily sliding off the edge of the table. He scowled, but she didn't acknowledge it. Once on her feet she leaned back against the metal and eyed the bullets suspiciously.

Tali turned to face Shepard and wrung her hands. "They were probably expecting you to be alone, and unable to get medical attention on your own. You'll probably be fine in the end, but you're going to have a very rough few days."

Dr. Michel taped gauze over the medi-gel drowned wound on Shepard's upper torso. It wasn't quite the shoulder, but it was dangerously close. She then crossed the room and grabbed two plain white shirts from the 'patient supplies' closet and handed one to both Shepard and Kaidan, who of course immediately went about getting Shepard into hers before replacing his own.

He felt gross and sticky with blood. He tried to wipe as much of it off as he could with the dry part of his old shirt before putting the new one on, but what he needed was a long shower.

Kaidan changed quickly and when he turned back to Shepard he found her with her head in her hands. On the other side of her Chakwas glowered concernedly before lifting Shepard's chin in a motherly fashion. The sterile lights of the clinic lit a hundred tiny beads of sweat gleaming on the commander's forehead.

Before leaving the sink, Kaidan found a clean cloth and wet it, this time returning to Shepard and beginning to gingerly wipe away the unnatural perspiration. For a moment it looked like she would argue, but with a tiny shrug only he noticed, she conceded.

"It's the kronots." Tali commented, watching as Kaidan worked to comfort his girlfriend. "And it's just going to get worse."

"What can we expect?" Kaidan asked, Shepard leaning into his toweled hand.

Tali wrung her hands. "In the next few days, she'll be sweating up a storm. It affects everyone differently, but she'll most likely experience shaking spells, hallucinations, and at its worst excruciating body aches. It's very unpleasant, which is why they were banned in the flotilla. It was deemed that no one deserved to endure such pain leading up to their termination. The commander was quick enough to get medical attention that the wound won't be fatal, and the symptoms a little less horrific, but they will still be extreme. And you'll have a cute scar, Shepard." Tali's orange omni-tool glowed over her gloved fingers as she clicked a few buttons. She scanned the bullet in her hand with the tool and then examined the amber screen with a keen eye. "You probably have a few hours before it really kicks in."

"Maybe you might stay here for ze week?" Dr. Michel offered, putting supplies back in the closet.

"I was hoping of getting home. I think I'd be more comfortable there. I don't much like the idea of staying in a clinic." Shepard involuntarily wrinkled her nose.

"Are you sure that eez safe?" Michel asked, closing the supply cupboard and returning to the circle that had formed around Shepard. She crossed her arms and furrowed her brow at the commander.

"If it would make you more comfortable, maybe I could stick around for the next week and play security." Tali offered. "I've got nothing else to do. I'm sure Wrex would be glad to help as well if we could track him down. I'm sure he's getting restless anyway.

"Besides, I don't think there's any medication that can help you now. These kronots function through a toxin that, by now, I'm sure is already in your blood stream. And I'm not sure any pain killers would even touch the symptoms."

"I can stop by once a day and check on her and treat the entry wound." Chakwas suggested. "If it's alright with you two."

"Yes, thank you." Alenko said quietly.

"I just don't understand it." Tali said as she crossed her arms in front of her. "These Quarian rounds, the conclave was strict on their extinction- all selling of these rounds were terminated and deemed illegal. And all known ammunition was destroyed. It was always suspected that a few tons of these rounds could have been hidden somewhere on a few of our older vessels, but the flotilla is huge… I don't know, it just seems that your attacker would've either been a quarian,which is unlikely, or had captured a Quarian vessel- which happens but is rare, and extremely difficult considering the size of our fleet. Did you get a look at the assailant?"

"No." Kaidan answered. "He was fast. By the time I grabbed my pistol he was gone."

"She." Shepard corrected.

"It was a female?" Kaidan was honestly surprised. Then he realized he shouldn't have been, _I mean look at how lethal Shepard can be_.

"Come on, Alenko." Shepard said tilting her head a little. "Did you honestly think a man could've done this to me?"

It pleased Kaidan to know she at least wasn't beyond her normal sarcastic comments yet.

"Yeah she was female, human too." Shepard continued to the rest of the group. "She had strange white hair and these… blue eyes. Really blue. Anyway, you'd think that would make her easy to identify, she looked…exotic.

"I think she was there for you, Kaidan." She added, looking sideways at him. "Remember, she said 'delivery for Kaidan Alenko'? It sounded like she knew you, like you were the target."

"Old girlfriend, Lieutenant?" Chakwas teased lightly.

"Not likely Doc, the only girlfriend I've ever had even capable of breaking and entering is my current one, and her victims don't walk away."

Tali interjected. "I'm sorry, but I think we should see to it that Shepard gets home before this is discussed further. Like I said, she probably only has a few hours before this gets ugly."

"Not before we stop at C-Sec." Shepard said, sliding off the edge of the cot. "I want this investigated. Besides, we might run into Wrex while where down there. Grab the bullets and let's go."

* * *

**Shepard**

"This is bullshit!" Shepard said angrily, pacing the floor in front of the Head of Citadel Security in his newly reconstructed office.

"I'm sorry, Shepard." Pallin drawled, clearly not at all remorseful. "But I cannot condone the dispatch of my men on an investigation that a spectre could handle herself. What would be the point?"

The commander was feeling shaky in the knees but she couldn't know if it was from her anger or her illness. "You know the council isn't allowing me to involve myself in any assignments or investigations until I complete my first mission!"

"A mission that the council has not shared with us here in Citadel Security. Why should I be _punished_ for that? It makes no never mind to me. Besides, since when do spectres follow procedures, rules or… _regulations_?" Pallin's voice was cruel as he looked with disgust from Shepard to Alenko and back to Shepard.

Shepard slammed her fists on the desk. "Damn you and your anti-spectre, anti-human prejudice!" However the exertion of strength proved too much for the weakened human and she nearly fell backwards, light headed. Tali was fast enough to catch and steady her.

"We need to get her home!" Tali threw desperately at the lieutenant. The quarian led Shepard to a chair and the commander was feeling too dizzy to resist. She held her head in her hands, trying to think straight.

"Look," Shepard heard Alenko attempt, calling on all the diplomatic experience he could summon. "Right now, we're citizens. We were attacked, in our own home, in the _wards_. That's what, seven minutes from here? What would C-Sec be if it turned down this case?"

"Uh-uh Alenko, I'm not biting." Pallin said, shaking his head and gesturing pointedly to Shepard. She scowled back at him. "Because she is _not_ a normal civilian, she's a spectre, and if she can't handle it then I don't have anyone _qualified_ for the job. I am not wasting any of my resources on this investigation. That's final."

Shepard felt the air change before she saw what Kaidan's initial reaction had been. When he spoke his voice was rough and forceful. "I swear, I'll have Udina on this, and when I do, he'll have System Alliance lawyers crawling up your ion engine so fast your little mandibles will pop off."

Pallin didn't flinch at the threat, but Shepard couldn't tear her eyes from where the normally kind and respectful lieutenant stood, half expecting to see the rougher Captain Anderson in his place.

"Fine." Garrus Vakarian stepped through the door and entered the room. "A _spectre_ will investigate this."

"Did I miss any killing?" Wrex asked, filing in as well.

Executor Pallin stood from his desk, his composed façade finally cracking. "My office was unpleasant enough as it was without the contamination of deserters and cheap mercenaries! I want all of you out now! You'll handle this situation without the help of C-Sec either way!"

Shepard had a rebuttal, but it died on her lips and evaporated with all the other thoughts she had trouble keeping formed in her mind.

"Let's go. We're wasting our time." Kaidan turned and helped her to her feet, supporting her against his side.

She tried to make it look like she didn't need the help, but she knew stepping away from him and falling on her face wouldn't achieve anything. So she sighed and let him be protective.

"I'll be along shortly, Lieutenant. I'd like to have a word with the executor." Garrus said lowly over his shoulder.

"We'll be at the apartment." Shepard said, sensing an argument deeper than her own involvement.

She reluctantly let Kaidan lead her out, and Garrus nodded curtly as they passed.

Shepard flinched as Kaidan kicked the apartment door open with his foot and nudged inside, carrying her in his arms. She had finally collapsed somewhere near the lower markets. Shepard hated feeling helpless, and that was exactly how she felt. On a normal day she would at least relish in the feeling of Alenko's strong frame gripping her tightly, but on the other hand, on a normal day she did not feel like this. Her head was spinning, her muscles were tightening and flexing involuntarily, her bones ached, and she couldn't think clearly. She wanted so badly to fight against Kaidan and walk on her own, but she didn't have the strength. Even now she wasn't really holding onto the lieutenant, but more simply lying in his arms while his taut muscles held her in place. They continued with the silent argument, him determined to help her, her determined to show she didn't need help.

* * *

**Kaidan**

Kaidan maneuvered them around the stacked boxes as their companions followed behind him. When they reached the bedroom, Shepard again tried to free herself, but her muscles failed her, and Kaidan's grip only tightened. She groaned in protest as he tried to help her undress, obviously intent on doing it herself, but he silently ignored her. When he had managed to remove her clothes he picked her up once more and held her against him with one arm. He pulled down the covers with his free hand and then laid her between them.

By the time Kaidan had finally coaxed her into the sheets, she'd begun to mutter and babble, eyes half closed. He fought the urge to lie next to her and instead turned toward the living room, leaving a crack in the door should she call for him.

_Not likely,_ he thought to himself, _she's so damned stubborn._

By the time he entered the small living room Garrus was nursing a cup of coffee and the boxes had all been pushed to one side of the room. Tali had graciously cleaned the blood from the far wall and floor and was now leaning on the adjoining side of the room. Wrex stood in silence, shotgun cradled in his arms.

"Thank you, Tali." The Lieutenant said upon entering the room. She nodded from her place and said something like the 'no problem', but it was quiet, and distorted by her suit.

Kaidan then looked at Garrus, seeing only too easily the turian's dubious and dark mood. "You alright, Vakarian?"

Garrus peered his avian eyes from over the rim of the System Alliance promotional mug, hard face softening. "I'm fine." He blinked, and then sighed before taking another sip. "Pallin just… gets to me. He knows better than to try to pull something like this, he's letting his hard-headed bias get in the way. And I feel partly to blame for his refusal to help the commander…"

Alenko crossed the room and sat in Shepard's leather chair, rubbing his right temple. "I'm sure it's not you, Garrus. Shepard and Pallin never exactly saw eye to eye. She's ruffled his feathers before, and now he's getting payback."

The aliens in the room stilled. Kaidan looked up to see them all considering him intensely. Garrus cleared his throat before speaking. "Feathers?"

Kaidan gave a tiny smile. "It's a figure of speech from earth. It means she's gotten on his nerves before."

Nearby Wrex grunted as if that were way more than likely.

Garrus gave a small smile, as if he weren't sure whether or not it was okay to find the phrase amusing.

"So what's the plan?" Wrex grumbled, pressing the conversation forward.

Garrus straightened. "I go and find the assailant, and see if I can get to the bottom of this. Tali," he tossed a glance to the quarian, "you said your last ship was lost in the Argus Rho cluster? Hopefully the two are connected and I can track the attacker through the missing vessel." He formulated.

Tali nodded. "My father said it was captured when they had just entered the system, which suggests whoever led the assault probably was already there or waiting, or has a place of some fortitude there. Be wary, the raider would have many resources and men to steal a flotilla ship. It had been minimally crewed at the time of its capture, but I would still figure it was occupied by upwards of fifty people; there would be many hostages if it came to a confrontation."

Kaidan felt something tiny and dark squirm in his stomach at the many scenarios that could come of Nar' Ryyah's suggestion. "Tali you're acting like the culprit could be some kind of crime syndicate leader or cult-like radical, and I fail to see why anyone like that would take interest in me, let alone attack me in my own home."

"All we know about your attacker is that she had hard-to-find, rare, quarian-build, black-market bullets. This woman could simply be a mercenary to a syndicate for all we know." Tali replied, straightening her stance and crossing the room to the opposite wall, just for the sake of moving.

Garrus stopped his relentless pacing and set his coffee mug down. "Well it's a place to start and that's all I need." His omni-tool glowed as he entered coordinates for the Argus Rho cluster. He looked at Alenko pointedly. "I will find out all I can and make sure this doesn't happen again. I will track the shooter down, I promise Lieutenant."

Lieutenant Alenko stood, and shook hands with Garrus. "Thank you for everything Garrus. I hate to think I put Shepard at risk. When you find the one responsible, I want to know why they did what they did."

"Of course, Alenko. I'll comm in a week to report progress."

The two nodded in agreement and Garrus left. Kaidan looked around the room. Tali was now looking at the photos on the bookshelf and Wrex remained unmoved.

"Tali, I need to know what I can do to make her more comfortable. Whatever there is to do, I'll do it."

Tali shook her head and turned to him. "There is little else you can do. Mostly, just be there. Stay with her. Talk to her even if she's sleeping. She will need psychological strength and will to fight this, not just physical, and she will need to sense you near her."

Alenko nodded. "Anything else?"

"I should warn you," Tali continued, "that this could easily test you as well. She'll probably have nightmares, and say things she doesn't know or mean or are even real. If she ever seems like something in her head is too vivid or violent for her you could try asking her questions she'll know the answer to, like where she lives and what her name is. If you can get an answer out of her it might bring her back to reality. After the mental fight she will need rest, and she will still be weak."

Kaidan released a deep breath. "She's strong. I think you underestimate her determination." He said flatly.

"I've known her nearly as long as you." Tali said matching his tone. "I am not suggesting the commander is anything less! I know just as well how willful she is. I only meant that you need to be that much stronger, Alenko. For her."

Kaidan didn't answer. He'd never seen Shepard as anything but unyielding and constant.

"I'm not exaggerating; this isn't going to be neither pretty nor peaceful." Tali persisted. "Are you prepared to deal with her darkest nightmare and hallucinations? Can you be strong enough to hold her while she squirms in pain, screaming-!"

"Alright that's enough!" Kaidan barked, suddenly loud. He wasn't shouting, but his voice held authority he had only ever used on his subordinates. And even then, the number of times it had escaped from his lips could be counted on one hand.

Tali was taken aback and she instantly recoiled. Her body language suggested she was genuinely hurt that he had talked down to her.

Kaidan closed his eyes, knowing he'd gone farther than she had deserved. After a moment he sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair. "I apologize, Tali. That was out of line."

She didn't say anything, but she did reclaim the step she has involuntarily jumped back at his outburst.

"It's just… this is my fault. The fact that I am responsible for her condition…" He trailed off and looked out the window at the city lights. "Maybe that's the disadvantage of caring for someone as powerful as her. I keep forgetting she's still human under that strong CO. To see her frail and weary, knowing I caused it- I just don't know if I can handle it."

Tali stepped the smallest distance closer and placed a suited hand on his arm. He was touched by the comforting… _human_ gesture. "You have your own strengths, Lieutenant. The only thing you can do is grit your teeth and tell yourself it will all be over in a few days. And… not hold her responsible for anything rash or harsh she may say or do under the influence of the kronots."

Wrex spoke from his statued place in the corner. "It's not your fault; the blames sits with the bitch that was stupid enough to shoot her. And Vakarian is taking care of that."

Alenko tried to smile his appreciation, but found himself too tired. He heard Shepard stir from the bedroom and instinctively looked through the wall at where the door should be.

"Go on." Tali urged. He sensed her smile behind her masked face. "Either Wrex or I will be outside at all times."

* * *

When Kaidan reached the bedroom Shepard was shaking again and tossing in her sleep. He kicked off his heavy boots and slipped in on the other side, still clothed in his fatigues and white med-clinic t-shirt. He put his hand on the commander's shoulder and was shocked at the amount of heat exuding from it. As carefully as he could he turned her gently to face him and pulled her closer to his chest. He tried not to let himself become too frightened at how violently her body shook against his or how uneven her breath rattled. He kissed her damp hairline and stroked her shoulder with his thumb, speaking soothing noises into her hair.

It humbled him to be taking care of her. A year ago, had he even imagined he would be this close to her; he would have probably voluntarily transferred and avoided her in an attempt to escape the intense worry and grief of loving someone. Now, he simply wanted her to stop needing him. 'Needy' didn't suit her, neither did dependence. The thought never occurred to him that he needed _her_. He rested his chin on her head and held tight as the next wave of shakes raked over her body. He closed his eyes, hoping he was doing something that helped.


	3. It Will Be Me

****

Chapter III: It Will Be Me

"_If you hear a voice,_

_In the middle of the night,_

_Saying it'll be alright,_

_It will be me."_

_-It Will Be Me,_ from Brother Bear II

**Kaidan**

The night proved long for Alenko as he often awoke to whimpering as Commander Shepard struggled and fought against the effects of the kronots. But when morning came he was relieved to find Shepard calm and watching him. She was lying on her side, her head resting on the crook of her right arm. It was comforting to wake up and find her conscious of the real world.

"Hey, you." He whispered, propping his head up with his left palm. He reached out with his large right hand and smoothed the hair on the top of her head. She closed her eyes to the touch. Her hair was slick from perspiration, and it glistened on her skin, but he didn't pull away. "How are you feeling, Sweetheart?"

"Like my first day of boot camp." She replied. She tried to sit up and rest on her hand like he had, but winced in pain.

"That good, huh?" He asked, remembering a similar feeling when his drill sergeant had run the raw recruits into the ground. He had fared better than most, but he distinctly remembered having problems unfastening his uniform afterwards. "Well, if it's any consolation, I think you still look beautiful."

It was a lie. In fact the woman looked like she'd just spent the better part of three days in the belly of a thresher maw. He had expected her to appreciate the comment at least, but instead she scowled at him.

"Jesus, Alenko. I'm sick, not dying. I'm sure I make Udina look like a pretty, pretty princess."

Kaidan couldn't help but laugh. She gave him another disapproving look but he shook his head at her.

He watched as Shepard tried again to prop herself up, but at the ache that surged through her she muttered a 'damn it' in defeat and lay back on the bed.

"Can I have food?" She asked him, eyes closed. She placed a hand on her forehead and rubbed it absently.

Alenko rolled off his side of the bed and stood with a grunt. "We'll see…" He walked over to her side and squeezed her hand, to which she winced. "I'll ask Tali, but no promises."

He left and Shepard rolled over.

* * *

"Oh good!" A synthesized voice sounded when Kaidan walked into the kitchen. Tali stood over the pseudo-stove, something bubbling over on one of the rounded blue heat nodes.

It took a bit for Kaidan to take in the sight. It was unusual for someone to actually cook in the Shepard-Alenko home. The two had spent so much time on cruisers and fighters that they had lost even the most primitive inklings of cooking sense. They knew enough to get by, but they rarely had the desire to deal with the mess that tended to be attached whenever one of them was in the kitchen for longer than five minutes.

"I was hoping you would wake up soon." Tali said, stirring a hideous brown and purplish liquid on the stove. "This is _raalas_. It's a Quarian remedy used to bring down temperatures. I don't know how effective it'll be, but I'm sure there are few other things she'd be able to keep down anyway."

"Well," Kaidan replied, crossing his arms, "I guess that answers her question."

"She's speaking consciously?" Tali asked in such a tone that Kaidan assumed behind her helmet whatever eyebrows she possesed were raised.

"Yup. And full of piss and vinegar as usual." He caught himself smile, and let out a small sigh.

"Well, we'd better get this down her before she slips back from consciousness again." Tali said, transferring the liquid from the pan to a bowl.

"Wait, slips back?"

Tali's helmet tilted towards him. "It will come and go. These breaks are when we should be feeding her and assisting her most."

The lieutenant took the bowl from the quarian and went to a nearby drawer for a spoon. "Thanks for all the help Tal. How did you know all this?"

Tali shrugged. "My father was a politician, and instrumental in the banning of the kronots. It was all he would talk about for weeks at meal times."

Kaidan turned to leave, bowl in hand, but paused to toss another thank you over his shoulder.

"You're welcome, Alenko." Tali replied. "I better go relieve Wrex."

* * *

When Kaidan returned to the bedroom he found Shepard had somehow managed to sit herself up against the headboard, but she had a new layer of sweat due to the exertion.

_Always so determined, _he scowled at her.

"Don't look at me like that." She scolded him as he returned to her side.

"You shouldn't have strained yourself."

"Yeah, well. I'm paying for it now. It hurts to move." She replied grumpily.

"Oh, here. This should help." He spooned the unappealing broth and lifted it to her mouth.

Her expression turned hard. "That doesn't mean I'm disabled."

Kaidan sat there for a moment, a little in disbelief. Then he realized he should have expected such a reaction. For some reason, he was angry. He dropped the spoon back into the bowl and shook his head.

"You're unbelievable, Shepard. You want to do it? Fine." He grumped, setting the bowl on her nightstand. He walked out, frustrated.

He heard Shepard growl after him. "I don't need any help!"

Alenko walked into the living room of the now empty apartment. He tried to shrug off this new emotion towards her. Did she have to be so independent all the time?!

But of course, that was what he loved about her right? He'd told her so. Well... kind of. He'd stumbled from the beginning of the word 'love' into 'appreciate'. That little slip up caused him no little embarrassment, and there he stood, months later, still not having said the words 'I love you'. It was such a childish thing, really. He did love her. He'd always been told that when you loved someone, you knew it, and he knew how he felt about Shepard. And she knew it too. That, he supposed, was why she never pushed him when he didn't reply to her recitation of the words.

But once he said it, there was no way out. No way to pretend he hadn't meant it. And that was the real reason he hadn't said it. After the words left his mouth he was burning a bridge, and there would be no way out.

Kaidan Alenko would not be leaving himself a way out.

But for whatever the reason, it didn't change the fact that he loved everything. And that included the stubborn, work dedicated, headstrong parts of a woman who had a difficult time of letting anyone in.

_I don't need help!_

The words echoed in his head, burning pain into his brain. _If she would just give me a cha-_

"Alenko!" The tone disrupted his thoughts. It wasn't Shepard's voice, it was his commander's tone of authority, and he found himself marching to the bedroom. When he reached the bed he took military stance, hands behind his back, unable to deny he was only half joking.

"Anything you need, Commander?"

Shepard glowered from her position on the bed. "I need help." She said the words quickly, like they might be less true if she rushed them out.

Kaidan considered pitching her crap about how 'hard' that 'must've been' but reconsidered, knowing it was a big step for her. He instead silently sat next to her and reclaimed Tali's concoction. It hadn't moved, and he assumed Shepard hadn't had the strength to reach and lift.

She was looking at him, expecting him to say something, but he didn't. He just lifted the spoon from the bowl, blew on it himself and touched it to her lips. They continued like that the whole time; Neither speaking, her watching intently, him intent on his first job as caregiver. His gaze softened over time, each spoonful easing the tension more and more until the bowl was empty and Shepard's eyes drooped with sleep once more.

"You should try to get some more rest." He stated, returning the bowl to the nightstand.

She watched him cautiously. "I need to pee."

Knowing this was as close as she was going to get to asking for help again, without a word he stood and began to lift her to her feet. He wanted her to see that she couldn't do it, that she would need him even if she didn't want to admit it. Sure enough, before all the force of her weight was set on her heels she groaned.

"Too much." She gasped, clinging onto him. Satisfied, Kaidan scooped her up carefully and carried her to the bathroom. Five minutes later they returned, him laying her inside the blankets once again. He went back into the bathroom and came back with a damp cloth, and continued his care, gently wiping away the new sheen of perspiration she had accumulated on the journey to the restroom. He moved in long soothing strokes until she finally began to close her eyes. He rose from the bed.

"Please stay." She mumbled through tired lips, shoulder quivering slightly.

_It's starting again._ His mind warned him.

His residual anger began to melt at her request, and he obliged, climbing in beside her. He was finally feeling sleepy again when she whispered a thank you.

He pretended he hadn't heard. He knew she had to feel in some way that it had been her decision to receive help.

* * *

The next few days continued like that: Shepard slipping in and out of the real world, the silent battle of her pride versus his determination. Alenko steadily getting more insistent as her raving, mumblings, and shaking steadily got worse as time went on, until she was literally screaming in her semi-conscious state. The lieutenant grew more and more worried every time she slid back into this phase, taking his commander with it and leaving a quivering, murmuring shell in her place.

Pain became permanently etched in her face, and despite the immense ache that surfaced whenever she moved, her body had begun to involuntarily twitch and toss. As the days went on, the only time she slept anymore was in her conscious breaks, making it difficult to feed her, especially as these lapses occurred less and less frequently.

As promised, Dr. Chakwas arrived daily to attend to Shepard's wound, and Tali would often check in during Wrex's shift to offer advice and prepare more raalas. They both frequently offered to watch over Shepard so Kaidan could get more fitful rest or a shower, but he refused, and his place at her side was all but loyal. He hadn't felt so helpless, even at BAaT. He wanted so much to take the pain away, and he was finding that during her hardest and most vicious fits, his only way to cope with it required him to throw himself into 'Marine Mode'.

He'd learned this trick during the start of his and Shepard's relationship, when it had been necessary to know her first and foremost as his commander despite his feelings. Now he used the rank to keep a clear head, seeing wiping her forehead and feeding her as both a job and duty. It was what kept him from simply lying next to her or screaming in frustration or concern.

He recalled how she had reacted to him trying to help her up after they had found the beacon in Saren's lab on Virmire. The visionary exchange had nearly left the commander crumpled on the floor, but when he reached out to her she had almost violently shoved him away. Back then, he had thought it was a safeguard to prevent suspicion of their relationship from Garrus who had accompanied them (ironic since Kaidan's reaction at the following debriefing swept away any doubts the aliens may have had), but now he understood it was just that she didn't want anyone thinking she couldn't _take it_. He had allowed his concern to portray her as something less than strong. Her reaction then had been the only thing that kept him from nearly tackling her to the ground on the Citadel when she climbed out of Sovereign's rubble, after he had been certain she had been crushed.

Kaidan's heart tightened as he remembered it. It was so unfair that she had been able to open him up like a book, bringing his past life into the light and examining it closer than he ever cared to. She opened up his old wounds and, over time, healed them and sealed them with kisses. It had been so easy for her, because his defense had been throwing himself into work. He never thought much beyond the job, the uniforms, the migraines, and the paperwork.

But Shepard was part of the job, she came with it, and because of that, she had integrated herself into his life perfectly. She'd loosened the screws effortlessly. So much so that he had found himself sharply turning from the straight and narrow path of regulations and crossed the threshold of her room that night before Ilos, not knowing exactly what would happen, but hoping that whatever it was it had occurred because he made the choice to visit her that night.

Kaidan stood in the doorway of the bedroom thinking this over on his third night of vigil as Shepard drew shaky breaths. He watched her chest jerkily rise and fall, her muscles twitching randomly. Next to her, Tali was kneeling on the floor, making her own evaluation of Shepard's condition.

"Alenko look at this." Tali said in an excited tone. She pointed to the hollow of Shepard's neck. A small pool of sweat had appeared, but it was tinted a weird and sickly color.

"She's sweating out the toxins." Tali continued when he came to examine where she had indicated. "Her body is fighting back."

"Good girl." He said to the shell of Shepard lying in front of him. The body muttered an incoherent reply.

"I think she's almost done." Tali spoke again, her tone getting lighter. "There's probably a psychological fight left if I've researched correctly, but if she can make it through tonight I don't see why there can't be a _possibility-_" She said the word slowly, as if to keep Kaidan from expecting too much. "That she could wake up tomorrow. She'll still be sore and weak of course, but it'll be pain from already inflicted damage, not new injuries. If so, we should get her out of bed for at least a few minutes. Maybe move her to the living room. The movement could give her some physical therapy and…" Tali paused, appraising the twisted sheets and comforter. "We really need to change the bedding."

The lieutenant was still looking on his commander. He leaned over and drug his hand back from her forehead into her hair. "Sweetheart, if you come out of this tomorrow I'll buy you a whole new bed. The Asari Tranquility set you wanted that you wouldn't let yourself indulge on." He knew she couldn't hear him, but he wanted to at least offer some incentive for an early recovery.

"I'm going to ask Wrex to double-shift. I'd prefer to stay close in the living room tonight, if that's okay with you." Tali stood and headed towards the door.

Kaidan nodded and pulled the "Alliance blue" comforter up around Shepard's body, detangling it from its contorted state.

"Good girl." He repeated.

* * *

**Shepard**

Shepard was dreaming. Or remembering.

It was a memory. She was back on Ondalium, a tourist beach planet her and Kaidan had escaped to after having their deaths thrown in their faces on the Citadel, before reconstruction had began. They had sped to the nearest sunny spot and spent two whole weeks wrapped up in each other.

Shepard watched herself sitting on the beach cross legged, her lieutenant's head in her lap. She was smiling, her hands framing the man's handsome face, as her thumbs ran lengths of his sideburns, her fingertips tickling his five day stubble. She was leaning over him, letting her loosened hair dangle in his face. He laughed in his thoat and showed a dimpled smile.

It was a pleasant dream, and Shepard felt warm as time inside her mind flowed smoothly.

Now she was lying on the same beach, the same 'day'. He lay on his side next to her and was playing his own version of the First Contact War on her tummy. Blue 'human' gummy bears versus yellow 'turian' gummy bears. They were forced to pay an arm and a leg to get ahold of the damned gummies anyway, so she let him have his fun. She snickered as he recited his own personal commentary, eating the bears as they died. Shepard's eyes were closed as she soaked in the sun and enjoyed the first time in years that she felt such contentment.

"Aaaah! We lost one in the mine shaft!" Kaidan said in a goofy voice, picking up the bear from Shepard's belly button with his soft lips and devouring it.

Shepard laughed gently in her throat and without opening her eyes snatched a random gummy off her stomach and plopped it into her mouth.

"Commander…" Kaidan's pretend-irritated voice said.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" She tried her best to try not to laugh at how ridiculously serious he sounded.

"You just ate General York."

She couldn't keep her straight face any longer. "He was an ass, anyway."

They both laughed and she closed her eyes again, letting out a fitful sigh as he continued his game.

"Quick! Take the hills! Take the hills!" Shepard felt a number of gummy bears piddly-padding on soft feet up her torso to the ridge of her pink camo bikini top, resting their tired gummy bodies between her breasts.

"It's a trap! Everyone out!! KA-BOOM!" Kaidan's sound effects were drowned out by Shepard's literal scream as his mouth gobbled at the mass of recruits in her chest.

After the initial shock, Shepard burst out in laughter as he tickled her with his lips. Eventually it became unbearable and she began to kick in the sand. He joined her laughter.

Both 'grinning like idiots' as Joker would say, Kaidan rolled his torso on top of hers, suffocating multiple military troops in the process. He leaned on his forearms and his fingers delved into her hair. The silliness of the situation melted away as they watched each other. There was nothing silly about that feeling when their eyes met. Shepard smiled with happiness, and his expression changed, becoming even softer and more sweet.

"What is it, Tenderfoot?" She whispered the words like they were the secret to taking out the Reapers.

"I just thought... I... I think... I must be dreaming." He was breathless, she could feel his heart pound against her chest. She lifted her right hand to his face and let her thumb trace the thin scar he bore under his bottom lip and waited before answering.

"Well, let's hope so." She said quietly before smirking again. "Because if you try anything like that in the field, I'll have you shipped directly to Veteran's Affairs Office for a psychological examination." Her brow furrowed and creased in mock concern over his mental state, but he simply sighed and moved one of his hands to the top of her hairline and smoothed the lines in her forehead with his thumb.

She lifted her head and kissed him, and he instantly deepened it, slipping his arm behind her neck to bring her closer, gaining better access. She felt him release a moan of desire into her mouth and her whole body shivered.

Suddenly, something was wrong with the memory. Shepard knew what was supposed to happen next, she's lived it! But...

Everything turned red and dark. In a flash all that remained of the palm trees were charcoals and embers, the sky was the color of blood and the ocean churned and tossed, the waves burning with acid. Her and Kaidan were running in fear. The sand they stood on turned to glass even as they stepped on it in the extreme temperature.

They fell, the heat scorching their skin. Shepard screamed as dark fiery creatures descended on them from the choking sky. Sulfur and brimstone filled her airways as monstrous forms crawled towards her from the ashen tree line and gulping sea. She screamed again as Kaidan was ripped from her grip. She heard him yell in insane suffering but she couldn't see him. She gasped as the creatures around her began taking hideous form. She recognized the faces one at a time, all grimacing to her. It was her unit from Akuze. Her friends, her fellow marines. She shook in fear as they advanced on her, hatred and revenge in their eyes.

Suddenly a column of fire fell from the sky, swirling in an offensive glow as two deformed figures crept from it, their own forms smoldering and sputtering.

Her breath caught as their voices came to her and recognition forced its way into her brain. She winced as Corporal Richard Jenkins and Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams shuffled towards her. Their voices were in her head, sickly and venomous, speaking harsh words of revenge and torture. Shepard began sputtering apologies, gulping the poisoned air even as she tried to speak. Their faces filled her vision as she felt her body being thrown into ravaged pain. She tasted soot and ash in her mouth, sparks and embers burned her eyes. She called for Kaidan, but couldn't hear him. She fell into a darkness full of pain and torture, her body twisting and thrashing in agony as beasts tore at her legs and arms. She felt her body tear and rip in utter searing pain until her senses exploded and the sound of her very breath was snuffed out.

* * *

**Kaidan**

Kaidan awoke to a sharp kick to the calf. "Ouch! Shit, Shepard!" He yelled through gritted teeth, temporarily forgetting where he was. The moment he returned to the state of awareness he turned over to check on Shepard and nearly jumped across to her side of the bed when he caught sight of her. She was throwing herself in violent movements, shouting words and phrases he couldn't catch. Without thinking he yanked himself out of the covers and threw his legs over hers to keep her from flopping out of bed. He gripped her shoulders in his strong hands, sitting her up.

"Shepard! Shepard!" Some of her words became recognizable as he called to her. Somewhere amid the commotion he heard Tali come in. She came and knelt again beside the bed, unable to help except to hope that Kaidan's voice could reach Shepard's mind.

"Ch-Chief. Jenkins, I'm so sorry...Ri-Richard!" Shepard yelled and twisted against him.

"Shepard! Shepard! Where do you live? Where do we live!?"

The commander continued to pull away from him. "I'm so sorry...Wil-Williams...your family! I'm so sorry!" She was sobbing in her shouts and Kaidan became frantic.

"Answer me, Shepard!" He sounded ridiculous asking such a question at a time like this, but Tali continued to nod in approval.

"C2!!" She yelled. Her blind violence lessened, but she continued to mutter over the lost marines. "Apartment C2!"

Kaidan shot a worried glance to Tali.

"Keep going! We need to calm her more!"

"What's your rank?" He obeyed, shouting to Shepard. "Reply soldier!"

She responded to the command. "Commander...com-Commander." Her thrashes became less frequent.

"What's your name?"

"Ashley...Ash I'm so sorry... I-I tried...I tried."

"Answer me, Shepard!" Kaidan pleaded, shaking her shoulders.

"Armelle Alenko! Commander Armelle Alenko!"

Kaidan's face fell in surprise as the words exploded in the air around them and drifted out to fill the empty spaces in the room. Yet they echoed in his head. Shepard was back down to mild coos and had stopped her twitching. He gently lay her back on the bed. He stared at her face, shock paralyzing him as her voice crackled and popped in his head.

_Armelle Alenko._


	4. Rent

**Chapter IV: Rent**

"_How do you leave the past behind,_

_When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?_

_It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out_

'_Till you're torn apart."_

_-Rent, _from Rent (the musical)

**Kaidan**

Kaidan sat heavily in the large leather chair and put his head in his hands. Every few moments he would rub the heel of his palm into his eyes, trying to wake himself up. Shepard's words echoed through his skull, bouncing and reverberating until it was all he could hear. He had been warned, he'd been told that Shepard would be susceptible to outcries of fantasy and untruths, but Kaidan could not shake the notion that maybe... something in Shepard's soul had really meant to claim her as his. He expected the words 'Shepard' or maybe even 'Commander' in her reply, but never _his_ name. If on some level Shepard had meant to say what she had, it meant that the thought of marriage had crossed her mind.

_Marriage._

The word made his heart skip. He wasn't repulsed by the idea. Though marriage was an ancient idea, it was rather the reverence of it, the sacredness of monogamy, after years of evolution that had faded away until marriage itself became as common as swapping comm numbers. As far as general public went, it was no longer a valued institution.

He and Shepard were traditionalists; they respected and believed in marriage. But never had they ever discussed the subject personally, meaning marrying each other.

What's more is she had said his name, an even rarer occurrence. Hardly any woman took the name of the male in the relationship after the latest Woman's Liberation Renaissance of 2165, when radicals had claimed giving up a woman's name for the man's was giving up her 'identity and therefore part of her very person'. To do so anymore was something the women of their species did to specially honor the men, not for tradition. And he never would've expected Shepard to do it. Her name meant something. It _was_ history, already being written in under 'champion of humanity'.

Kaidan leaned his head back on the leather and wondered what really bothered him. It wasn't that Shepard had made such an implication or suggestion, consciously or otherwise... it was that he hadn't had a clue that she had even considered it. He was admittedly a little insecure already about how well she could read him and how _little_ he could reciprocate. That damn woman thought a mile a minute, on more than one subject at a time. Her head was an intricate set of gears and cogs and machines that could organize enough thoughts at one time to make the Asari Consort blush. Why couldn't he keep up? Why couldn't he tell what was on her mind, when all she had to do was look at him to receive the answer to her question before she'd fully formed it in the air? Could she really be thinking so far ahead of him?

"Are you alright, Lieutenant?" Tali's metallic voiced clicked him out of his trance.

He sat up, discovering her position in the hallway, somewhere between checking on him and checking on Shepard.

He leaned forward again on his arms. "Tali, I know you said victims often spout random phrases that don't really pertain to them. Or are even real, but-"

Tali's sigh hissed through the vocal modulator in her suit as she glided to a less comfortable plush chair across from him. There was still something extremely alien about the quarian. The others of Shepard's motley crew had been humanized into personalities and physical qualities a human could relate to. However Tali was still, and always had been, completely covered. And she sat with a stillness that was almost unnerving, waiting for him to speak, with only her sigh to elude to her thoughts. Kaidan couldn't even judge her mood by body language. Add that to the mask over her expression, and he felt at disadvantage.

"I just can't get over the thought that on some level she knew what she was saying." He finally said. "I mean, I know you warned me to not hold anything against her she may say under the influence, but I have to wonder is she hasn't really been having these thoughts. Even under the kronots, no thought is completely random, right?"

"Lieutenant," Tali said knowingly. "If instead of saying your name in place of hers she had claimed she were aroused at the sight of your human ambassador in furry purple stockings, would you be asking me this question?"

"He wears furry purple stockings?" Kaidan's brow furrowed.

Tali shrugged. "How would I know? I'm a quarian I don't even have my _own_ ambassador."

Kaidan hadn't laughed, but Tali had succeeded in her attempt to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, I guess you're right, it's a biased question. I'll try not to... read too much into it." Kaidan quieted and gazed out the window.

It was quiet for a moment, neither of them venturing to draw the other out into conversation. Kaidan looked past the giant ward arms outside the viewing window into the stars. He knew even as he said the words that he would not overthink the incident, he knew it wasn't something he could easily forget... he knew himself well enough to know better.

"Well, now that I'm awake I may as well make myself useful." Tali politely excused herself. "I'm going to check in with Wrex, is there anything I can do for you?"

Kaidan shook his head silently.

"She should be okay now. For the rest of the night anyway." Tali turned and headed to the apartment door and Kaidan called after her.

"Hey Tal, nothing to Shepard, please? About what happened or... how I reacted?"

"Of course not Alenko, if Shepard were to grow as flustered as you are right now the future of the whole galaxy would be at stake." Tali's tone smiled.

Kaidan wondered briefly what her joking expression under that mask actually looked like as she finished exiting.

Finding himself restless he stood and wandered aimlessly around the apartment. He needed someone to talk to, and with Shepard in her current condition his options were limited to Wrex and Tali. He had already asked enough of the quarian, and he doubted the krogan would be even the slightest bit sympathetic. Instead he walked to the vid-screen, and pushed the com-unit sensor button for Computer Control.

"Citadel Directory," Avina's voice welcomed as the holovid of the station VI played on the screen. "Please request contact data now."

"Please contact Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, Tellis Station." Kaidan stood in front of the screen as digits and advertisements flashed upon the comm screen.

"Searching...Please Wait. Searching...Please Wait."

Soon the screen blooped and Kaidan found himself face to screen-face with Joker.

"I had a feeling you'd be up, Joker." Kaidan said, addressing the old friend. Of all Shepard's team, Alenko has held the easiest friendship with Joker. It was low maintenance, and yet open and friendly, despite the pilot's almost defensive sense of humor.

"Oh really? Did you also have a feeling that I was going to hang up if you don't say something signifigant in the next ten seconds?"

Kaidan usually reveled in Joker's sarcasm, but all he could do was shake his head, and that reaction clearly got Joker's attention.

"How's the commander?" Joker asked, switching to his personal version of a serious tone.

"You heard?"

"The whole crew heard, Alenko, she's our commander." Joker said, easing slowly into his quippy voice.

"She's doing better now... Tali seems to think she may recover in the next day or so."

"Well, that's good to hear, anway." Joker said politely.

Kaidan crossed his arms across his chest, all of a sudden feeling exposed.

"Kaidan..." Joker said slowly. "It's one AM. I take it this isn't a curtesy call, what's up?"

In all reality, Kaidan didn't know what he was calling for, just that he had called. He wasn't sure at all how to voice his problems. It wasn't a new feeling by any means to wonder where they 'stood', him and Shepard. But there was always one person that seemed to understand what they had even better than they did.

"When we first started... getting... involved," Kaidan tentatively started, "you claimed you knew the whole time, right? How many other people knew?"

"Do you want an exact number or a rough estimate?"

"Jeff."

Joker shifted uncomfortably in his seat on the other end of the vid screen and sighed. "The whole crew, Lieutenant."

Kaidan felt his eyes widen as confusion blurred his brain. He was expecting Joker to confess he'd been spying on them so Kaidan could take comfort in requesting a more informed opinion. But he never would've expected...

"But we were being so careful..."

"That's kind of the thing of it." Joker said, scratching at his beard. "At the risk of sounding soft, it wasn't just how you looked at each other; it was how you _didn't_ look at each other. You two were so caught up in being discreet that in the end it was like a flashing neon sign."

Kaidan rubbed his temples. "Why didn't anyone turn us in?"

Joker sighed. "Look Alenko, I'm not good at the mushy stuff, and if you so much as breathe to anyone what I am about to say you will go down in history as the marine that got his ass handed to him by the crippled kid, got it?"

The pilot strictly waited for Kaidan to nod before continuing. "Anyone who had been in the Alliance longer than three months had heard of both of you two. You're both known for impressive service records, loyalty to the Alliance, outstanding capabilities and innate sense of intuition that bordered on precognition."

Kaidan tried to picture himself as any number of these things, but they didn't fit him. At least not as well as Shepard, who annoyingly kept popping into his head with every trait Joker listed off.

"Throw in the fact that you two were dodging bullets together since way back on Eden Prime, both have technically good physiques and backgrounds as fucked up as Santa Clause laying Easter eggs on Halloween, and you've got yourself a modern version of a soul mate, if you believe in such things. As the crew saw it, it was meant to be. You two were doomed to fall for each other. You didn't stand a chance, it's textbook."

Kaidan shook his head at the reference, but didn't say anything as Joker considered what to say next.

"On a grimmer note, I think half of us assumed that the whole Reaper mess was, and still is, one giant suicide mission. They believed you two wouldn't risk or jeopardize anything, they trusted you both so much. There was more to lose from reporting you than to gain. It would have played havoc on crew moral to split you up anyways, I think they saw it as comedic relief to the bleak tasks we were assigned."

Kaidan stood staring at the pilot. "Did Ashley know?" He asked guiltily. It was the first thought that went through his head.

Joker met his eyes, like he wasn't sure how honest he was going to be with the man. The silence was pressing on awkward when Joker seemed to concede with himself.

"Alenko, she went on every assignment with you from Eden Prime to the time of her death, of course she knew. But before you go all 'survivors guilt' on me...I have a confession."

Kaidan had already begun to feel the familiar weight of Ash's death on his shoulders as Joker spoke. _She knew...the thoughts that must've went through her mind._

"Kaidan, it wasn't like that." Joker was saying. "To be honest, it wasn't really Shepard who made the call that day."

Kaidan looked up, he could feel his chest tightened at the memory of losing Ashley. Shepard and Alenko's friendship had been permanently changed when she died. There was a hole where there should've been three instead of two, and they both felt it. "What do you mean?"

Joker drew a long breath. "If I tell you this, you have to swear on Ash's grave you won't tell anyone, especially the commander. It wouldn't please her to know she really had no control of the situation."

"On Ashley's _grave_?" Kaidan felt a temper he hadn't called on in a long time stir.

"Hey, I had to swear _to_ Ashley on her grave that I wouldn't tell the commander!" Joker defeneded. "But... I know Ash wouldn't want you shouldering responsibility."

"Joker, please just tell me what's going on."

Joker leaned forward in his seat. "Ash knew the Salarian team was a dead unit before the Shadow Team even reached the base."

The words were heavy, and Joker said them as such. Kaidan felt his forehead crease as he tried to make sense of what Joker was saying.

"She knew they were all going to die before they were even ten minutes into the assault. Once Williams spotted the geth reinforcements heading for the bomb site, she tapped into my personal communications."

Kaidan's throat tightened. So she had known. _Why didn't she say anything? We could've gotten her out of there. What thoughts had crossed her mind in the time before the end?_

"She made me swear not to tell. She asked me to do all that was in my power to pressure Shepard into saving you, even if she made an attempt to get Ash. The chief knew Commander Shepard would have to choose long before even the commander did. She wanted to be sure Shepard didn't pick her."

Kaidan made himself sit down back into the chair, the weight of what Joker was saying pressing down on him. "Because of our relationship."

"Maybe part of it," Joker admitted honestly, "but I think that was less than half of it. You know how touchy Ash had been about how her family was blacklisted over the Shanxi surrender in First Contact. I think she came to believe that the only way she was going to regain that honor was to die saving the universe, which she did. And look what she got, a Star of Terra. The Williams name is cleared."

"No wonder she didn't want Shepard to know. It would only ensure her rescue." Kaidan said, shaking his head.

"It's deeper than that Alenko." Joker continued slowly. "She was prepared to run head long into the geth, assault rifle screaming until someone finally shot her down if Shepard had so much as made a move to rescue her instead of you. By doing so, she would have forced both her death and in turn, your survival.

"I remember she said she felt she had nothing to lose and everything to gain. She even brought her family into it, saying that by making that choice she guaranteed that any Williams who wanted to make something of themselves could."

"That must've been some speech she'd given you." Kaidan commented. He was still in shock over the new information.

"I think," Joker contemplated, "once she realized she was going to die in that Salarian unit, she knew exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it. She had only the utmost respect for you two, and the three of you had a bond no one else seemed to be able to fathom. She wanted you two alive and safe. That was what she said to me."

Joker was shaking his head through the screen. "She said 'it's a small price to pay, Joker', and then she started reciting some poem."

"Tennyson." Kaidan whispered.

"I'll have to take your word on that Alenko, I'm more of the rogue-ish scoundrel type." Joker had attempted to lighten the energy surrounding the conversation, but instead that space was filled with silence as Alenko considered this revelation and the pilot allowed it to seep in.

"Joker... Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Kaidan watched Joker sift in his chair again, clearly uncomfortable. _It must be personal_, Kaidan thought.

Joker didn't blink though, and he never lost eye contact. "I guess I kind of liked the idea of having that last little piece of her, you know?"

Kaidan eyed the pilot, one eyebrow raised in startled realization. "I guess Shepard and I could've taken a lesson from you on the whole subtlety thing, huh?"

"Yeah..." Joker said, voice quiet, reliving some distant memory.

Kaidan felt the need to say something, some kind of apology or condolences, but there were no words. "Joker..."

"Don't, Alenko. I'm... I'm fine. After all... at least I got to say goodbye."

The moment turned awkward as Alenko felt himself groping for anything else to say.

"So..." Joker started after a minute or so, refocusing on the present. "How is that going, Alenko? Shepard still got your head on backwards?"

Kaidan wasn't one to talk about his relationships, especially ones as serious and as politically involved as his and Shepard's. And he wasn't keen at all about discussing it with fellow crew members, particularly Joker, considering what Kaidan had learned just now. In the beginning, it had been hard enough to talk to S_hepard_ about the relationship and his feelings about it. He thought about shrugging off the inquiry with some kind of comment or joke, but he sensed the pilot needed to think about anything other than their last topic, so Kaidan spurted out the real reason he'd called Joker as such an ungodly hour.

"It's good. I mean, I haven't been this happy in... Forever..."

"But...?" Joker said slowly, anticipating Kaidan's hesitation as the lieutenant ran a nervous hand through his hair.

"I guess, in a way, I'm having jealousy issues."

"What? The commander spending more time with the Reapers than you?" Joker said, old attitude slowly returning. A good sign.

"It's not like that. I'm jealous of _her_. It's like, at any minute of the day you could ask Shepard what I thought about something, like the weather or newest action vid, or most recent political debate and she could tell you. She knows me so well and... And well, sometimes..." Kaidan sighed, searching for the words. "Sometimes, I feel I can't get closer, like she's holding me at arm's length."

Kaidan leaned forward in his seat. Now that he had started the words flowed out as easily as if he were talking to himself. "Because if she weren't, I feel I should have some kind of insight into how she thinks or feels, but no such luck! I don't know what she's feeling, or what's going on in her head, and I'm wondering if I can even read her at all!"

Kaidan's voice got faster as he spoke, more and more anxious as he voiced his concerns.

"And it's not just that I guess... It's like... In many ways we're still in this 'giddy-lover' stage thing, you know? Which is fun, and I'll be honest, hot, but... I don't know." Kaidan knew he was stumbling on his words, he was just so focused on the emotion he was feeling he couldn't describe it.

"I'm just looking forward to the next stage, you know? The comfortable, safe-contentment part. Developing routines, not questioning what's appropriate to do and what's not anymore. Knowing that everyone else knows that we're... in love. And not because of some hyped-up media article!"

"You're a romantic, Alenko. And we're marines; property of Systems Alliance, there's no time for any of that."

"Well, there is." Kaidan said, throwing up his hands. "Right now, on leave! But I still feel like I'm stuck in the 'flirt' mode, and I know I'm ready to be more."

"Sounds like you've been thinking about this stuff for awhile." Joker commented, removing his hat momentarily to itch at his hairline and then replacing it.

"Well, these thoughts have crossed my mind before..." The reason Kaidan needed to talk, the incident that had occurred just that night, echoed in his head. The name that Shepard never should have spoken...

"But now, that's not just it. I have... reason to believe... that Shepard may be expecting more out of me now, that we might be getting a lot more serious than I've credited us with, but I still get the feeling she's holding me off and I don't know why! Is she afraid I can't handle it? Or is she so used to pushing people away that she just can't rely on, and refuses to rely on me? Maybe I'm just paranoid and freaking out because it's all complicated now that we're serious, but... I don't know! And I can't talk to her about it, because I can't get the woman to let me in! I can't get her to trust me, even with herself. It goes to back to not being able to read her. She's so well trained at maintaining composure and not letting the enemy get a clue and such, but this is me! Is she so god damned _programmed_ that she can't just put herself out there? She's always so cool and collected, and the more deep we get into this, the more I kind of get freaked out. Just once, can't she wear her heart on her sleeve, _just once_?"

Joker yawned and made a great deal about looking sleepy. The poor innocent pilot didn't deserve this assault, but now Kaidan was talking, and despite Joker's behavior he knew the pilot was listening.

"The woman was shot just a few days ago, and she wouldn't even let me take care of her! I don't know where she stands at any given time and it's making me... crazy!"

"I can see that..."

Kaidan stopped his tirade and looked at Joker. These problems didn't seem so big in his head, but when he started speaking them, and he could see them piled on Joker's shoulders, he felt a slight pang of guilt for unloading on him.

"I'm sorry, Joker. I guess these last few days have kind of thrown me for a loop. I'm making issues sound a lot bigger than they are. They're such minor things, it's just that I know they could be resolved if I could just talk to her, or get a sense of what she's feeling and I... I've not... mastered how to do that yet. And I really don't want to mess this up."

"Are you done?" Joker asked impatiently. Kaidan felt taken aback at the response, but nodded anyways.

"Alenko listen to yourself! You are dating _Commander Shepard_! Survivor or Akuze, Child of Mindoir, the first human spectre, a symbol of peace, and an intergalactic diplomat unlike any other. _And_ a damn good woman to boot!

"You've got the most powerful, feared, fierce, and dangerous woman in the galaxy feeding you strawberries, calling you 'honey', and right now sleeping in _your_ bed just a room away, and you want some kind of proof that she's 'letting you in'?

"Kaidan, if you think she's holding you at a distance, I have to claim it's all in your paranoid little cranium. She may be letting you closer a little slower than you'd hoped, but I mean look at what's she gone through, what she's lost? Alenko, _think _about who it is you're trying to share your life with-"

"I think about that every day, Joker."

"Then why aren't you sleeping next to her right now, instead of interrupting a certain pilot's T.V. time?"

Kaidan frowned and crossed his arms. "You're right, you're really not good at this mushy stuff."

"But did it help?" Joker produced a lopsided smile, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah... yeah I get it."

"Alenko, you've been trapped in that apartment for days, with very little sleep, and we all know that at night everything seems a bit more dramatic. You just have to trust her. It sounds like these are issues for a teen relationship, I'm sure you two will be fine."

Kaidan felt exhausted all at once. He was being childish, and he knew it. This was Shepard he was talking about, _his_ Shepard. So the woman was infuriatingly calm and constantly in control, that's why he fell for her right? That's what made her a good leader. "Yeah, you're right. Baby crap. Thanks for the help. I guess I... Well, good night, Joker."

Joker nodded like he was about to disconnect, but Kaidan caught his attention again. "And hey, trim that thing eating your face before Shepard shaves it off in your sleep."

"I'm going to hang up now, Alenko. Tell the commander I said hello."

The vid screen flicked off on Joker's end and Avina returned to inquire about any 'further data requests' before Alenko turned off the vid screen and flopped back into the chair. Leaning his head back he released an enormous sigh. He never knew what to expect when he called Joker, but for some reason it always made him feel better. He was overreacting about something Shepard had said, which logically probably had nothing to do with their actual relationship. They weren't having problems, they were happy, and he should've known better. He blamed the sleep deprivation and worry over Shepard's condition for his uncharacteristic lapse of judgment. He knew he would wake up and kick himself about making up issues that weren't really there, and then forcing them on Joker. Kaidan would have to remember to tell the old friend thank you somehow for putting up with him. Joker always listened, even back on the _Normandy_, before the lieutenant had even admitted his attraction to the commander to himself.

Ashley though... what a blow. He wouldn't pretend that her death at the time hadn't sent him on quite the guilt trip, but together, Shepard and he had begun to move on, remembered her, fought for her, and now only kept the fond memories, not the bitter end.

But this new information; it made the whole thing seem fresh again. Kaidan had always been humbled by her bravery, and now... now he was consumed by it. He allowed himself another sigh of grief before forcing himself to push the thoughts of her and Virmire out of his head. He couldn't risk Shepard picking up on any reaction to it, which of course she would.

All in all, the exchange with Joker had been liberating. And Kaidan felt himself slip into a comfortable snooze.

* * *

Kaidan awoke with the feeling of added weight on his body. He opened his eyes groggily, not remembering where he was. Synthetic sunlight streamed into the living room, lining the smooth skin of his visitor. His vision cleared and he realized he must've fallen asleep in the chair as Shepard climbed clumsily onto his lap. She had her mostly nude body wrapped up in blanket.

"Hey there, Tenderfoot." She whispered when she had finally settled. His heart slightly skittered when she smiled at him. There was a hint that the motion had pained her, but she was a soldier through and through and pretended it hadn't hurt.

"Hello, yourself. How are you feeling?" He carefully let his arms close around her, hoping that she wouldn't think he was coddling her and push him away. Thankfully she did no such thing.

"Pretty gross actually. Remember when we ran into that thorian creeper nest?"

Kaidan remembered. He'd spent hours picking creeper goo and chunks out his hard suit.

"Good." He concluded. "That means the toxins are leaving your body. How do you feel physically? Pain? Stiffness?"

"Okay, you can stop Mr. Medicine, I'm fine. Tired and sore, but it's down to an ache. I _had_ to get out of that bed. And I need a shower really bad."

"Yeah, you kinda do." Alenko said, wrinkling his nose at her.

"Hey!" She defended. "You don't exactly smell like Asari Love Lotion either."

"...Yeah, that's because I'm covered in _your_ sweat." He teased, rubbing the blanket where her arms were tucked in.

He watched her delightedly as her eyes slanted at him in suspicion. "You didn't take advantage of me while I was out of it, did you?"

Kaidan released a short bark of laughter. "See me here? _Alive_? In one piece?"

Shepard sighed and then heaved herself off of him and stood. She wobbled for a second, but steadied herself.

Not that that stopped him from flinching forward in his set to catch her. "I know you're feeling better and all, but Tali warned me you shouldn't overdo it... It'll just take longer for a full recovery."

Shepard rolled her eyes and slowly shambled to the hallway in the direction of the master bathroom. "I have a high pain tolerance. Come on, let's hit the showers. Commander's orders."

She disappeared around the hall and Kaidan fondly shook his head.

_Stubborn, stubborn, stub-_

"If you need some inspiration, I'm getting naked in here!"

_Better make sure the woman doesn't damage herself_. He smiled and hauled himself out of the chair to follow the sound of her voice.

* * *

**Shepard**

Kaidan had insisted that Shepard drink some more _raalas_ that morning in a last ditch effort to chase all remnants of a fever away. However once she'd gotten back into her blue military fatigues it was back to normal for the pair. In fact, Shepard had her agenda already planned for the next two days. It included finishing unpacking the apartment, getting the gauze over her shoulder removed, changing the bedding, ordering some new equipment for Wrex and Tali in thanks for their help- all of which she completed on that first day. Kaidan had just left for the final task- the consumption of real food- when the comm unit on the vid screen blipped.

Avina's voice rang from the amber screen, the transparent asari face greeting Shepard. "Receiving request for vocal and visual exchange with Commander Shepard from the _Mantas_."

"Accept, Avina." Shepard replied, standing with a cup of coffee. The screen blipped again and Garrus appeared on the screen.

"Commander Shepard, good- and a little surprised- to see you so well."

"Why does everyone always say that?" Shepard asked, a little offended at the lack of faith in her. "I'm fine. So, have you found anything?"

"Well, yes and no. It seems useless now, but I know you have a knack for finding small details that no one else can, so since you're up maybe you would like to volunteer your intelligence to what little we have gathered?"

Shepard sighed fitfully. She was so happy to be doing something useful. "Hit me."

"Excuse me?" Garrus said, confused.

"It means tell me what you've got, Vakarian." Shepard reveled in teaching new terms to other species.

"Oh... right. Anyway." Garrus paused to whisper something to one of his turian technicians scuttling about, and then continued.

"Upon entering the system, we found a drifting atmospheric transport ship. It's relatively small, and it looks like it's been through some rough times. On board we found one live body, some scared merchant."

"One scared merchant…" Shepard asked. "Alone in a transport vessel?"

"Yeah... I know. That's what I said. We thought we'd just found some poor drifter that happened to be in the right place at the right time for rescue. But then he claimed that a group of bandit mercenary types had boarded his personal cargo vessel and took off with all his supplies, setting him adrift on _their_ ship, the _Sea Star_. Supposedly, that's the ship latched onto us now that we recovered. My techs are running the I.D. serial digits now to confirm. There's no fuel, no food, these pirates had nothing when they attacked the merchant vessel. My guess is that they were desperate. All that was in the _Star_ when we got to it was the salarian shopkeeper, the bodies of his personal ship crew, and a few of the mercenaries' dead."

"He must've put up a damn good fight to get a couple of them, but what does this have to do with the kronots case?" Shepard asked, her brow furrowing.

"I'm getting to that. One of the dead mercs had an OSD on him. My team is working on the encrypted protection now."

"Put it up on screen." While Garrus worked on her request she got up and dragged the nearby coffee table closer to the vid screen, then recovered a chair to form a make-shift desk area closer to where Garrus was talking to his technicians. She also snatched up a notepad and pen, in case anything interesting came out of this.

When she returned to the chair and coffee table desk she glanced at the newly opened glowing orange window at the side of the screen where an encryption algorithm was clearly working as numbers sped in and out of visibility.

Shepard set her coffee down on the table in front of her and waited patiently for any evidence the OSD may provide.

"So...what's the angle here? You're thinking if these bandits are crazy and desperate enough to attack a merchant vessel when they have nothing, they might be crazy enough to attempt a capture on a Quarian flotilla ship? Isn't that kind of stretching? I mean, Tali said that the rogues who stole the Quarian ship must've had a lot of resources, that doesn't sound like these desperate thugs."

"That was what I was thinking too, Shepard. But then we found a couple of these on the scene." Garrus held up a familiar looking piece of metal to the camera.

Upon seeing the bullet, Shepard moved quickly through the apartment to her equipment storage closet. She dug around in it for a few moments until she felt her fingers clasp on the small black tube she had stored her three little souvenirs from the last few days. She returned to her place in front of the screen and opened the tube, emptying its contents into the palm of her hand. The Kronots clinked against each other. She carefully examined the bullets; they had a distinct shade and mark to them, and a miniscule green line around their bottom edge. When she looked up to examine the casing Garrus held it only took her a few moments to make her analysis.

"They're kronots, alright. Damn it!" Shepard shoved the ammo back into their container and set it firmly on the table in front of her.

"We missed them this time, Shepard, but it means we're close."

"Maybe, but it also suggest that this whole thing is a lot bigger than an attack on Kaidan. It's a crime syndicate, and we must've just pissed off the wrong mercenary."

"The Salarian said there was a woman among them, but no confirmed description, she was wearing a helmet. He mentioned some kind of strange pink light or some such nonsense and then said a few choice words regarding your species."

"I'm sure he did." Shepard stated, crossing her arms and putting her feet up on the table. Her fingers developed a steady strum on her bicep as she watched the numbers on the encrypted OSD come to a slow stop.

"We're in, Shepard." Garrus said.

"Good, I'm enlarging the window Garrus, so I won't have visual." Shepard reached out to the sensor screen and slid the corner of the smaller orange rectangle with her fingertip to fit the screen. It stretched with her motion, covering Garrus' face in the process.

"Understood, I've got the file open on another screen on my end."

The view of the OSD file showed a number of dated entries, but no numerical data or location grids.

"Commander, it looks like some kind of personal OSD diary. Do men do that anymore?" Garrus was scrolling the page from his end, and Shepard leaned forward to keep up with the movement.

_Deems this pretty much worthless_. Shepard thought bitterly.

"The really self-restrained ones do. It's some kind of self-containment therapy." Shepard said, the tiniest amount of annoyance in her voice. She had asked a similar question what she discovered Kaidan kept one. "I'd be surprised if he wasn't a Brain Camp baboon as well." She added under her breath, shaking her head.

"What was that, Commander?"

"Nothing. Okay Garrus, ummm... Bring up a content search engine and sweep the OSD for anything matching the words 'white hair' or 'stupid bitch that broke into the wrong apartment'. You know, just to see if we get lucky." She was doubtful, this OSD sounded like a closed booked-dead end. But at her comment she heard a few turian snickers, not only from Garrus, on the other end of the line, and she found herself smiling anyways.

"I'm checking 'white hair' and 'bitch'... you know, just to start out with."

"Yes, Garrus." Shepard said, allowing him to enter the second term regardless of its lack of real relevance. She was pretty sure they weren't going to find anything. Shepard stirred her coffee absently.

However in a couple minutes the showing OSD window stopped scrolling entries and there, blinking in orange light were the words 'white-haired bitch'.

"Oh, come on!" Shepard exclaimed, setting the mug down and leaning in further. "No one is that lucky."

"I don't know Shepard, I've seen you pull some pretty spectacular stunts. I mean how many people survive a round of bumber cars with a Reaper?"

"Point taken." She said, half listening. Because there in amber evidence on the screen, what she had been searching for...on _a hunch_.

_December 13 _

_Despite myself, I think I'm starting to like the white-haired bitch. It's got to be the eyes. Polaris has the brightest piercing blue eyes. Or more likely, it's the power that turns me on. She never had that type of power when I met-_

"Well, it matches the description. Polaris...strange name."

"Shepard," Garrus said, scrolling through more entries, "when we took control of the _Sea Star_ we did a routine quad-C. The most recent person in control of the ship was a woman named Polaris... Polaris is their leader."

Shepard became overloaded with questions. A quad-C was a 'Captain's Quarters Computer Crack' regardless of the Q. Those files just became invaluable. But... none of it made sense.

"What the hell would a bandit leader want with the lieutenant?" She asked aloud, sensing Vakarian's shrug on the other side.

"Anything else in the captain's console? Based on these dates I'm seeing here it looks like this group has been together for at least a few months." At least she had her years of experience to keep her from getting too carried away on her endless questions; she couldn't afford to be less than thorough.

"That's just it, when we swept it, there was nothing. I don't think she was in control of the vessel for very long. And she wasn't reporting to anyone else, her personal folders are few, and they only contain some kind of research on the human Gagarin Station-"

"Wait, Garrus! Hold up." Shepard's mind was reeling steps ahead of her. She let her marine CO personality take over completely in order to keep up with her own thoughts. "Let me look at that first OSD entry again."

"Coming right up." The turians voice said as the window containing the diary went crazy in a whir of scrolling to the appropriate entry.

_-that turns me on. She never had that type of power when met her at BAaT._

"That's our lead." Shepard said, trying to hide her excitement. "Okay Vakarian, listen closely. Duplicate the OSD diary window." The screen indicated he'd done so. Now her view was cluttered by two identical OSD windows. "Okay, on the first one, run a content search on 'Polaris', we'll see if our lover-boy can tell us anymore about the suspect. In the other, search for 'BAaT', 'Gagarin', or 'Conatix'."

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Garrus stated, rapidly carrying out her orders. Good thing the kronots didn't affect her efficiency.

"We have a corresponding match on both searches." Garrus said, already highlighting the entry before Shepard could ask.

_January 3 _

_Polaris had a different name way back when, but she was a different person too. She gets kind of defensive when I mention her old name. She wants to leave BAaT and all its memories behind her. I don't blame her._

"Shepard, one of my techs just ran 'Polaris' through the extranet database, and there is no information or data on that name any time before roughly three years ago. This makes sense given this latest entry. But that means it will be hard to track her past, or to find out more about her background."

"Not necessarily, Garrus. Here," Shepard said, pulling out her Omni Tool and linking it to the vid-screen for data transfer. "I'm uploading something to you. It's a profile recognition program we used to use on earth up until less than a decade ago. If we can find an image of this 'Polaris' we can use the program to try to match her facial ID points to her old identity. Fortunate for us she has an avid admirer; maybe he'll give us both the meal and the silver platter."

"I've given up trying to understand your language, Shepard. I'm receiving the program... I'll keep searching entries."

Shepard finally leaned back in her chair while the vid screen blurred as windowed opened, closed, cleared, and scrolled under Garrus' control. She let herself fill up with a sense of accomplishment that the case was making such progress. On nothing but an OSD diary and near empty folder in the Captain's Console.

"Shepard, I got something." Garrus' voice jerked the Commander to her feet. She was too anxious to stand still though, so instead she paced. It was a shared habit among the inhabitants of the home. It's the reason the couple loved tile; it was the perfect high-traffic flooring.

"Read it to me."

"_Didn't know_...blah blah blah... _Polaris... name changed twice_... blah blah... _changed last name to 'Greene'_."

"Excellent Garrus," Shepard exclaimed, "Can you run and extranet search on 'Greene'?"

"No need, Commander. We've found an image. Is this your attacker?"

Shepard found herself face to face with a mane of platinum white long curly hair and piercing baby-blue eyes. The woman's skin was dark, adding to the illusion of exotic and ethereal nature.

"Yes. Good Job, Garrus. Now, do you have the profile program?"

"Confirmed."

"Okay, I want you to you run this image against any files, documents, and reports you can locate with your Spectre status on Conatix Industries. The company has been down for years, so hopefully the files won't be too protected."

"Alright, this could take awhile, Commander." Garrus warned.

"I'll wait." Shepard said, excited about making such a big break through...on searching a diary for 'white-haired bitch'. "Try to match all features but hair, it's too easy to manipulate."

Garrus did as she asked and it wasn't until Shepard was wondering where Kaidan was being kept and was nursing her third cup of coffee that Garrus finally interrupted her thoughts again.

"Shepard!" Garrus nearly shouted, and the commander got dangerously closed to spilling hot beverage into her lap. "We've got a match!"

"Bring it up!"

On the screen the first window held Polaris' face while the second held the image of a young woman. This woman had her hair slightly shorter, and it was a deep dark brown, but the facial features, especially the eyes were clear as day, the exactly the same. That younger version was softer, more girly, and to be honest, a lot prettier. Shepard kind of wish that whoever this girl was hadn't bleached her hair.

"Bingo! That's her!" Shepard was nearly dancing. "We got a name?"

"Rahna something or other..."

"Great, run a backgrou- wait... What did you say?" Shepard couldn't control the change of tone. The pieces were already clicking in her head, the connection between Polaris and the attack in the apartment, but Shepard didn't want to consider what that would mean. Already, she had convinced herself she'd heard wrong.

"Her name is Rahna." Garrus said carefully. This time there was no denying she'd heard right.

"No last name?" Shepard asked, mood serious quickly, as she prayed desperately that a last name would reveal the woman as anyone else. Anyone that would have a smaller, less painful impact on the lieutenant, but Shepard's gut was never wrong.

"She has one, I just can't pronounce it. It's strange, even for you humans based on my experience. I'll put it up on screen."

And there is was... the harsh and cruel evidence burned into the amber screen, and Shepard just stared at it, willing it to just go away. But it stayed stubbornly.

"You can't pronounce it because it's Turkish." Shepard said finally through a dry throat. She slumped back into the chair, shocked at how quickly both her mood and her energy had depleted.

"Commander?"

"Garrus, run the name Rahna through the OSD."

"Will do, Commander. But, may I ask, are you sure this is one in the same? I mean, so far what we've got has been against Ms. Greene, not Ms. Long-last-name."

"The profile match doesn't lie, Garrus. Did you find anything?" Shepard's voice was unenthusiastic and confused.

_Rahna had a gentle heart._ The words echoed as Kaidan had said them months ago. _She was scared of me-_ It didn't make sense!

"Check this out, Shepard! The human male wrote something about her later in the diary and he mentions a compound location!"

"Great, there's your heading, Garrus." Shepard said without feeling.

"No offense, Shepard, but I'd thought you'd be more excited. Is it the whole Greene-Turkish name mix up?"

"No, Garrus. Kaidan mentioned she had wanted to change her name."

"So the lieutenant knew her." Garrus commented, slowly closing down windows until Shepard could see him punching coordinates into his omni-tool for the compound.

"Yeah... Hey listen, Garrus. Can you do me a favor? Don't say anything about Polaris' true identity to Alenko, okay?"

"Commander?" Garrus asked, skin rising where his eyebrows should've been anatomically.

"We are dealing with Polaris now anyway not Rahna. The Rahna Kaidan knew wouldn't do something like this, something in her changed, something must've happened to her. It would have a very negative effect on him to learn about this."

"Commander, he deserves-"

"An effort from me to try to help her. If you find her, let me know, I'll talk to her personally, just please, I'm begging you, don't tell Kaidan. It could hurt him. We'll offer her psychiatric help; don't just go in guns blazing alright? I owe him that much."

"Of course, Shepard. But if Lieutenant Alenko knew her, he should probably be told. He could really help, you know?" Shepard was starting to miss the _Normandy_, where she had jurisdiction and no one bothered to reprimand her.

"She tried to fire on him, Garrus. For whatever reason, I don't think she's too keen on listening to what he has to say."

"I'll promise to keep what I know confidential, if you promise to tell him eventually." Garrus compromised.

Shepard was a little surprised about how adamant Garrus was being, but she saw what the turian was getting at. And she wasn't really too pleased about having to keep something from Kaidan.

"Yeah, agreed... Sometime I'm going to have to. Just not until we're ready. Until then, I'll keep the images in my folder, we have to be careful to not let them leak to the crew, and the suspect should be known from now on, only as Polaris." Shepard couldn't believe the words of deception coming out of her mouth, but she couldn't believe the situation she'd just been hurled into either.

"You got it, Commander." Garrus sounded defeated. He must've known there was no use trying to get Shepard to change her mind. "If I find anything I'll comm."

"Yes, thank you Garrus."

"Thank you for the brain power. I'll talk to you in a few days at the least." Garrus blipped the line closed and Shepard turned her side off as well.

She felt so heavy, so weighed down now. This was huge; at least it would be for Kaidan. She needed more time to understand the situation before she told him. First thing she was going to have to do was try to find motive, and how the sweet tender-hearted girl Kaidan knew as a teen could turn into a crime syndicate leader. The whole thing was a mess and she didn't understand any of it. Instead she settled for pushing the thoughts out of her mind before Kaidan came home.

Slowly she began to move the furniture back into its original place in the apartment.


	5. Brothers in Arms

**Chapter V: Brothers in Arms**

"_There's so many different worlds,_

_So many different suns,_

_And we have just one world,_

_But we live in different ones."_

_-Brothers in Arms, _Dire Straits

**Shepard**

Shepard was staring out the window when she heard the lock turn and the door open. She didn't even turn to where Kaidan would be standing. She heard the crinkle of plastic as he set things down.

She didn't even blink when she felt his arms slip around her and his hands clasp on her abdomen. In her strange confused mood it was comforting to feel Kaidan's familiar scent around her and his breath on her neck. If he only knew what those particular actions did to her, he would be a lot more careful with his movements. Well… more aware of them anyway.

"What are you thinking about?"

_Rahna. What might've changed her; how confusing this is and the amount of danger you're in. How much I want to protect you-_

"How small the galaxy is." She replied quietly. She could practically see in her mind his right eyebrow raise when he said "what?"

"It's just… the galaxy always seems so huge, but every world we go to anymore is kind of a been-there-done-that, you know? We're usually dealing with the same types of 'unknowns', the same types of plots, the same types of crooks."

_But Rahna wasn't like the criminals of your past_, she thought to herself. _She was kind-hearted. Gentle and sweet. Or, that's how Alenko had described her._

"What brought this on?"

She sighed and turned to hold him for a moment, assuring both of them that everything was alright. "Nothing, just thinking out loud. So hey, what took you so long? You've been gone for hours."

Kaidan stepped from her and began to take things out of the white plastic bags. She spotted the familiar take out style gray plastic boxes and followed him to the coffee table.

"You wouldn't believe how far I had to go to find real Chinese food."

"Do they even have that here?" She was surprised. The Citadel was an alien melting pot, you were lucky if you could find decent human food period.

"Yeah well, like I said, you wouldn't believe… What were you afraid the bad guys had snagged me or something?" He teased.

Actually she hadn't thought of that. According to Garrus, Rahna was half a dozen systems away by now. She chose to ignore the question.

"Garrus commed while you were gone." Shepard opened the first container and turned to her leather chair.

Kaidan was already sitting in it.

He looked at her and grinned, obviously thinking himself clever. Shepard shot him an 'I told you so' look and turned to sit between his legs. She leaned back on him and he in turned leaned back in the chair. The position made it difficult for him to eat and he was forced to rest his container filled hand on the arm of the chair. Shepard smirked her victory to herself. If he was going to take her seat she sure as hell was going to be comfortable. And if that meant he would have to wait to eat, so be it.

Being as sweet as he was though, he probably didn't mind, but she heard him sigh exaggeratedly in defeat anyway so she could feel even more victorious.

But he didn't complain. In fact, he set the food on the side table and began massaging her shoulders while she ate.

As soon as she began to enjoy it she realized what he was doing. It was a low move, because he must've known she would have to put down her own food to thoroughly enjoy the pampering.

And sure enough after three or so minutes she gave up and let him win his tiny battle when she set her take out next to his.

"That's what I thought." He said, not bothering to keep the smugness out of his voice.

"Bastard." She said.

Still it was only another moment before she rotated and slid her body up next to his so she was half in the chair and half laying on him. She slid a leg between his and absently traced shapes on his stomach while snuggled into him. Again she pictured how tamed and domesticated she seemed in the moment and rolled her eyes. _Shepard, you pushover._ She thought to herself. _I may as well be purring._

Commander Shepard had never ever been the touchy-feely type. Being this close to someone else was foreign to her. With Kaidan, it had become a comfort thing. She found herself expecting his touch once in awhile. It let her know he was thinking of her and it soothed and comforted her. His presence was calming, and so she justified that her being affectionate was just as much for her as it was for him. Still, if her old military buddies, or even Ash could see her now, they would laugh at her uncharacteristic attachment to anything other than her assault rifle.

It was sometimes strange how easily they could slip into these quiet moments. They never spoke, and for the first time she wondered what was on his find. His fingers caught hers and held her hand to his chest. He kissed her forehead and she smiled, hugging her body against his with a sigh. He shifted the arm around her shoulder and began playing with her hair absently.

Yes, she definitely had turned in to a tamed and purring lap kitty. She mentally shook her head at herself, but still… she didn't move away.

"So what did Garrus have to say?" Kaidan finally asked quietly, after what couldn't been a half hour.

"A lot, actually. He's already discovered that the woman who attacked us is the leader of some kind of organized crime group. And he's discovered a base location. Supposedly he's checking it out now."

She felt Kaidan tighten his hold on her, and she wondered again what he was thinking. For a long moment she seriously considered telling him everything.

But then Rahna's face flashed in her mind. She remembered fire in the woman's eyes; the anger they had held the same instant Shepard felt pain burst and burn through her shoulder. But that fierce blue stare scorched her more than any bullets, even kronots.

"Her name is Polaris." She decided. "And she _had_ managed to capture that quarian vessel a few weeks back. Garrus found a couple of kronots on a ship he linked back to her."

"Any idea why she would come after us?"

He sounded concerned, but it was Shepard who snuggled closer. Oh god, what would he think? The last time Rahna had been a part of his life it had changed him, turned him into the man he is now. Shepard loved this man. What would happen to him if Rahna was suddenly a part- even a negative part- of his life again? What would happen to _them_?

"Not really. With all the publicity and media we've been in recently, it could be anything."

She needed to get her mind off the whole situation. Dwelling on it too much would only increase the chances that Kaidan would recognize something was up. Especially since Shepard couldn't shake the feeling that Kaidan was in extreme danger. That if something wasn't done about Rahna… She could lose him.

Shepard shifted and situated herself on top of him, stretching herself out to kiss him. She loved the way his hands immediately secured her place against him. Her body reacted how it usually did to his nearness, and she found her heart beating wildly.

Why couldn't she control herself around him? She was going to have to harness that before they were forced to return to the _Normandy_. She could sense in his kiss that he too had been surprised by her seemingly unpreambled sentiment, despite his responsiveness. She pulled back and studied his face.

His eyes had gone all soft like they usually did when she showed spontaneous affection. Like he knew how rare it was. She loved his angular features, warm eyes, and his aloof expression. It made her smile. His fingers were absently toying with the ends of her hair.

"What was that for?" He asked quietly.

"Thank you, for taking care of me. And I'm sorry for how I acted… I'm just not used to whether I stayed or went… or was sick or healthy, or upset or happy… I'm not used to any of that mattering to anyone."

He grinned. "Well… I might be… a little fond of you." He rubbed her back soothingly.

Shepard was broken and she knew it. She had grown up feeling and knowing that letting yourself become emotionally attached, especially to fellow soldiers, was a weakness and a liability. Even now in his perfect smile and her fluttering heart she could only feel vulnerability and uncertainty. It was the reason she didn't really want him to help her. She felt she was weakening him as well; allowing him to expose himself, let down his guard around her. How long until he was killed in combat trying to protect her, or from being distracted in the field? She was conditioned to think this way, and so had tried to convince herself that she could prevent herself from making such a dire mistake.

But Kaidan didn't think like that. And even _that_ was because of her. She had insisted on opening him up, getting close… and now it threatened his life. If he died now, no matter in which way, she would feel it was her fault. If not because of some effort to protect her outside standard procedures, it would be simply because she couldn't trust her team unless he was on it and Shepard was a spectre now. Wherever she went it would always be life threatening, and the _Normandy_ and her crew followed her into death by law.

She knew her desire to protect him, her worry over his welfare, and the threat Rahna imposed made her weak; made her mind and body act in ways that were against her better judgment.

Still, she curled closer and kiss him again, this time not letting go even to breathe. For minutes they stayed, comfortably and being comforted by each other at the same time.

"Hmmm." Kaidan said when he finally needed air and tucked her back against him. Shepard herself was feeling a little dizzy, and she knew better than to assume it was completely caused my any remaining toxin in her system.

"Come on, you." She began to slide of his lap, searching for a deeper distraction from her thoughts. "Let's go to bed." She smiled at him wickedly.

"Are you brain damaged?"

She stilled somewhere between his lap and the floor, silent in surprise. With relief she saw him half smiling. He hadn't meant it spitefully.

"Shepard, you were unconscious not even eighteen hours ago. And I'm pretty sure what you have in mind counts as just the kind of 'strenuous activity' Tali warned us against. Wait twenty four hours."

She shrugged playfully. "I'm a soldier. I recover quickly." She began to stand again but Kaidan caught her around the waist and pulled her back down to him with surprising strength.

"No." He said it very firmly, and she raised an eyebrow at him.

"Now come back here and cuddle with me," he insisted, helping her to tuck back into him, "because that's all you're getting tonight."

"Well, Jeez. Trust me to find the one boyfriend who won't put out." She snarked, letting him wrap his arms around her again.

"Smart ass." He said, kissing her forehead. She really wished he would stop being so sweet.

"Prude."

"Hmm." He agreed.

She rolled her eyes and laid her head on his chest. She only had two hopes to pray for that night. One that Garrus was successful, and the threat against her and Kaidan would be eliminated peacefully and quickly. The second was that as much time as possible would pass before her and Kaidan would have to return to the _Normandy_, and she would have the daunting task of restraining herself around him.

Both would be denied by morning.

* * *

**Kaidan**

Kaidan opened his eyes the next morning and realized it was the second time in a row he had woken up in that damn leather chair with Shepard. In the night she had curled into him and her face was nestled into his neck. His body screamed and cried to be moved, but he didn't dare wake her.

Thankfully he wouldn't have to, because the comm unit on the vid screen bleeped obnoxiously a few minutes later, startling an annoyed Shepard.

She groaned and pushed on him to get enough leverage to stand up. He was quick to follow and stretched his stiff limbs as he watched her move towards the vid screen. He let her answer it and instead went to the bathroom. When he came back she was talking to a young looking turian. He absently picked up the food canisters they'd left on the table and went to put them in the fridge.

When he came back this time she wasn't talking to the turian, but a very familiar pilot. All of a sudden Kaidan wished he had paid more attention to what the turian had been saying.

"I know, but I can't do this without you." Her tone was serious. Kaidan stood in the doorway, watching the exchange.

"Wait, what was that? I didn't quite hear it. Could you say that again but a little more clearly and loudly? And use my name somewhere in that sentence?"

"Ha ha, Joker. I want you on the next transport to the Citadel or I'll come and get you, and I won't be gentle. I want to leave by oh-six-hundred tomorrow, Alliance standard time."

"Yes, Commander."

The comm bleeped and Shepard sighed to herself.

"What's going on?" Kaidan asked her when she didn't offer.

She turned, quickly looking all business. "That turian? That was Drellis; he's one of Garrus' field agents on the _Mantis_. Apparently Garrus went to check out the base, but he was captured."

Kaidan tried to make sense of what she was saying, but the look on Shepard's face implied that Garrus was in serious danger.

"And we're going after him? I thought you weren't supposed to take on any more missions until we hear back from Ilos."

While she spoke she nearly jogged down the hallway to their bedroom, raising her voice so he could hear her while she, well did whatever it was she was doing in there. "Yeah well, you were the one who suggested that might take years, and I'm feeling better now. Besides, like Pallin said… since when do Spectres obey the rules?"

Kaidan shook his head, trying to keep up with what was going on. She reappeared in the hallway having changed her clothes in record time, her black t-shirt rising as she secured her hair as she walked.

"Alenko, I want you to head down to the Alliance office and try to track down the crew. Hopefully they're not too scattered across the galaxy. And loyal enough to me to return to the _Normandy_ on short notice. But given how fragile the galaxy is with the Reapers and all, don't drag them away from their families if they don't want to come back. They are not required to return, this was their promised shore leave, after all."

"Yes, Commander. And if they choose to not answer the call?"

She strode to their closet, withdrew her white and red glossy jacket and shrugged into it, tugging on the unzippered front to straighten it on her shoulders.

"Then contact Rear Admiral Harnard. Request how ever many decide not to return. We're going to need a full staff. I'm going to run down to the docking bay and start supply procedures for the _Normandy_. In a few hours the _Mantis_ will be here, and I'll need to talk to Drellis and get the case files. I'll also handle getting a hold of Wrex and Tali. I probably won't be back until late."

He watched her gather her keys and omnitool with an admiration at how fast her head had already taken control. She was already at the front door when he answered.

"Yes, Ma'am. Anything else, Commander?"

She turned halfway out of the apartment and smiled to him, her business side temporarily melting. "Yeah. Take care, Tenderfoot." She winked at him and was gone.

The door closed and he turned back to the empty apartment, sighing to himself. _It's going to be a long day._

* * *

**Shepard**

The day was a vast surreal blur to Shepard. She was of course concerned about Garrus and whether or not Rahna was the type of person to keep prisoners alive. Shepard also became increasingly aware that she was about to take the lieutenant on a mission of which he only knew half the story. It was only a matter of time before he figured out she was hiding something.

Her mind buzzed with these questions and others as she went about her multiple tasks that day. She ordered supplies for the _Normandy_, arranged for their transport, and boarded the ship to check all the systems and programs herself.

It was strange to be on the _Normandy_ while it was so silent and empty, but already she felt herself coming to life again. She oversaw the transport of Wrex's, Tali's, Alenko's, and her own equipment, weapons and armor. There were only two other recruits who had stayed on the Citadel during leave and were therefore available for her use almost immediately. The three of them were working cooperatively more than her ordering them, but it still gave her the time she needed to shift again into authority mode. She had been afraid that six months on leave with Kaidan had let her go soft, but a couple of hours working with those two made her feel confident she could lead just as well now as she always could.

By midday the _Mantis_ had arrived. Shepard immediately welcomed Drellis onto the _Normandy_.

"Of course, I invite you to join us." She said to the young turian. His skin was darker than that of most turians, almost black, but his eyes were light and clear like metal. They shone with promise and ambition as Shepard spoke, taking in her every word. "However we will be leaving early tomorrow."

"It would be an honor. Garrus must hold high respect for you. It's not like him to take personal missions." Drellis followed her into the cargo hold where she continued to direct supply storage.

"You're close to Garrus?" She asked.

"Yes. He's very brave and honorable. My father wishes I were more like him." Drellis had the voice of most turians, maybe a little harsh naturally, but it was almost softened by the synthenization of it. Shepard thought that he sounded like a very young Nihlus who's voice hadn't changed yet. Well, if turians went through puberty, which she wasn't sure they did.

"Really? I heard Garrus's father wasn't too pleased."

"Yes well… My uncle has worked with C-sec for a long time." Without being asked he began helping her lift crates and stack them by the lockers. It had been unexpected, but she greatly appreciated it. She offered him a smile.

"So you and Garrus are related?"

"Yes, he is called _kujia_ in my family structure. The equivilent of your human 'cousin' I believe. Though he is nearly two decades older than I am."

"Look… Drellis. I know we just met, but you officially know more about this mission than the rest of my crew. I need to ask you a favor and it may be kind of awkward."

Drellis paused and seemed to consider her for a long moment. "Okay, but then may I ask you an awkward question?"

Shepard smiled and nodded. "Sure. Okay, here's the deal. I assume you know all about the mission pertaining to Polaris? I can't afford for my crew to know her true identity. I would ask you to please not repeat it to anyone. And please don't ask me why, my reasons are my own."

Again, Drellis considered her for a long moment, like he was trying to read her mind and find her motive. "I can do that."

"Thank you." She replied almost too quickly. "It's good to have you aboard."

"So, my turn?" Drellis continued as if nothing serious had just been said. He returned to organizing the gray crates. "I don't know a ton about your species, so I'm curious; do you prefer to be called 'human' or 'homosapien'?"

The commander laughed shortly at the question, confusing the poor turian. "I prefer to be called 'Shepard'."

Drellis laughed a full teenager-style laugh that made Shepard grin.

"Fair enough." He answered. "I'm starting to understand why Garrus likes you, you're not heeded by lables. And you are not as rigid or unfriendly as most humans."

"Well, maybe you're running into the wrong humans. I've met some rigid turians in my day."

"Well, that's really just us." He smiled, or at least mimicked one. It was so hard to tell with turians.

Shepard looked up to the sound of fast paced heavy footsteps. A soldier in uniform had entered the cargo hold from the docking ramp and was carrying a thick folder. Shepard drew herself to full height as the soldier approached her. He came to stop sharply in front of her and gave her a snappy salute.

She returned the gesture. "At ease."

"Corporal Torin, ma'am. Rear Admiral Harnard sent me. He said Staff Lieutenant Alenko was in earlier trying to contact the _Normandy_ crew. They have all responded and seven of them cannot return before the time of your departure. These are the crewmen Hackett has reassigned to the _Normandy_."

Shepard took the folder into her hands and tucked it under an arm. "Thank you, Corporal. Are these recruits temporary or to be resident?"

"Either, I was instructed to tell you that it is your choice whether to keep or dismiss them as you please, ma'am."

"Well, I thank you again, Corporal. I shall be sure to report your efficiency to your superiors. Dismissed."

"Thank you, ma'am." And with that the corporal turned sharply and proceeded back out of the ship.

"Come on, Drellis." She said, turning back to the task at hand. "We've still got a lot of work to do."

* * *

It was late by the time Shepard got home. The apartment was dark as she padded quietly through the hallways, knowing Kaidan would be asleep. He always was huge on trying to keep a healthy sleep schedule, and they would have to get up close to four. She found his note stating that she should feel free to wake him up, but she didn't want to disturb him. She still had to read the files of the new recruits before going to bed. She turned on a lamp and settled into her chair, not bothering to remove her shoes or jacket.

It would probably be the usual. The Alliance always sent rookies to obscure operations. The higher ups in the military knew that whoever they were giving over to the _Normandy_ they were also giving up to the council, since the _Normandy_'s CO was a spectre.

Sure enough all the information and detail sheets showed little experience. Corporal Franklin Jones appeared to have the most experience. But after that it went downhill. Private Kinsk, another low level engineer... There were even a couple that were fresh out of boot camp, haven't even been on more than two assignments yet. Those were the ones Shepard zoned in on cautiously.

The first file belonged to Kendal Morgan. He was nineteen and a technician. Received a demerit in training for backtalk, but it didn't sound like anything she couldn't handle. She put the fear of God into anyone who tried that stuff with her, and he wouldn't be a problem after that. Besides, she was sure she could convince Adams to keep an eye on him.

She moved on to the second one. This recruit actually looked promising. The soldier was only eighteen, but had joined the express program that had allowed her to participate boot camp while finishing school. She had graduated with high scores on both her SAT and ASVAB tests. And her boot technical scores were… amazing. She knew some hand-to-hand. She sounded like someone Shepard would like to have with her when she went groundside. Shepard continued to read.

She finally reached the spot where there was listed any military family. And there in bold black print was a name Shepard was very familiar with.

Williams

Shepard felt her flesh rise in goose bumps. She flashed through the pages she had been reading to the front.

Sarah Williams

"Holy shit." She said loudly.

"What?"

If seeing William's name in print wasn't creepy enough hearing another voice in the room was terrifying. Her heart stopped and she'd nearly screamed.

"Jesus, Kaidan! You scared the crap out of me!"

He moved from where he had been leaning in the hallway watching her and came to stand next to the chair, soothingly placing a hand on her arm. "Sorry. I heard you come in. When you didn't come to bed I figured something was up."

_Yeah, bad karma. First Rahna, now this._

"Look at this." She said shortly, handing the file over.

"Shepard, I'm not… technically supposed to see those."

She sighed tiredly. "Lieutenant, I can't read this name, will you read it for me?" She said dramatically.

"Ha ha." He said, taking the paper from her. "Sarah… Williams?"

Shepard nodded. "Ashley's youngest sister."

"Holy shit."

"That's what I said!"

Kaidan handed the file back to her and met her eyes, obviously already knowing what was going through her mind. "I'm sure she's fine, Shepard."

"How could she be fine!?" Shepard said leaping from the chair. She hadn't been allowed to deliver the news of Ashley's death to the family. Ashley was like a second mother to her sisters, and Shepard had loved Ash.

She still remembered the day someone told her that some stuffy rear admiral had been assigned to notify the family. It had felt so _wrong_. She crossed the floor to the window and crossed her arms against her chest tightly. "As far as she knows her older sister, her idol, went on some unknown mission with me and didn't make it…"

"Hey, hey." She heard him say behind her. He locked his arms around hers and she felt his breath on her ear as he whispered. "The Williams girls aren't going to persecute you, okay? You had a good relationship with Ash, they know that. You don't know how she feels. And you won't until tomorrow. Come on, come to bed. We have an early morning and you need your sleep." He gently pulled at her arms to tug her along with him. "Come on, sweetheart." His voice was soothing, but still Shepard felt ill to her stomach.

She nodded and let him slip her jacket off. It was then she realized he was shirtless; a sure sign she'd been truly upset. She _always_ noticed when he was shirtless.

Shepard lie in bed that night wide awake. Kaidan had long before drifted off, but she was antsy. What would she say to Sarah? Must she say anything? Of course, Sarah would want to know. Shepard knew she would have to tell her the truth… but reliving that nightmare, saying it aloud… it made Virmire real and new again.

She sighed loudly and tried to think of better things. Rolling over, she slid herself into the warm comfort of Kaidan's arm, snuggling into his side. He breathed deeply and squeezed her in his sleep. She watched him for a moment, the slow and steady rise of his chest; the sweet contented smile on his lips. She tried to take comfort in his relaxed and calm form, knowing that in a few hours she would have to give it all up. She tucked herself into his body heat as deeply as she could and listened to the pulsing of his heartbeat. It was the lullaby that finally carried her to dreamland.


	6. Sailor to a Siren

**Chapter VI: Sailor to a Siren**

"_Like a sailor to a siren,_

_Like a moth to a flame._

_I know your love might be the death of me,_

_But I run to you just the same."_

_Sailor to a Siren, _Meat Loaf

**Shepard**

_The Normandy… the Normandy._

Shepard nearly hopped up and down in the elevator in anticipation. Oh how she had missed life aboard her ship. She was excited, but despite the smile of joy she felt on the inside, the military statuesque blank face was in place and her body in stance. She'd be meeting the new recruits in a short amount of time and she needed her authoritive charisma- a trait she had acquired and mastered only too easily. She knew when soldiers told her they would follow her to and through death and destruction they meant it in compliment, but the words left her feeling uneasy. They just added to the number of lives she held in the palm of her hand every day. And the fact that she was meeting a deceased soldier's (and personal friend's) family was at the forefront of her mind. So she threw herself into the role of Commander Shepard. Fair, straightforward, no bullshit, Commander Shepard.

"Whoa."

She turned her head without breaking her statuesque body and looked at Kaidan.

"Sorry." He said. "I hadn't thought it would be that easy for my girlfriend to disappear."

"I can't be your girlfriend anymore, Lieutenant."

"What?" The sound of his voice caught her, and took her a moment to realize he thought she'd meant literally.

"God no, Kaidan!" She laughed lightly at his expression. "Jesus, I meant… figuratively." The look on his face was so sweet, so sheepish it made her feel like it was nine months ago when she'd first admitted she was getting especially personal with him on the ship.

She finally broke stance and faced him. "Look, Alenko. About that… we always said that us being together wouldn't never change anything spaceside, but we've been together for a long time now, and I can't pretend nothing has happened or change between us since last tour."

He smiled as she finished, and there was a brief flutter of wings in her stomach as she realized what they were both admitting to. What they both felt.

Still, neither of them could let that affect them once their boots hit the deck. After all, they had both always known that this was the way it had to be. Job first. _Missions _first. Ship duties second. Health maintenance third. Between all that and the other crap that tended to take away from down time, time with each other was pretty damn low on their list of priorities. But even if then, they may have five minutes here and there, and there needed to be boundaries.

"I'd be naïve to believe that no one on the ship has read Wong's report over leave, but out of respect for them, ourselves, and the Alliance, I think there need to be ground rules."

He nodded gently, a kind of subdued amusement on his face. It wasn't exactly the reaction she had been expecting, but that was Kaidan. "Whatever you say, ma'am."

"This is really important, neither of us want to get reported. We have to have boundaries." She couldn't help but watch Kaidan for some kind of tell tale reaction, but there was none. He was amazingly calm. It made her feel a little uncomfortable and she found herself willing the elevator to speed up or the docking bay to get closer on its own accord.

"Any personal conversations should probably be kept in a private setting, and we shouldn't sleep together, Ilos was special. Let's keep it that way…" Her voice trailed off as she realized how business like she sounded. She cleared her throat. And before she could think better of it she leaned through the space between him and kissed him, knowing it would be a long while before she could do it again.

"Any questions?" She asked with a small smile as she reassumed proper posture.

"Yeah." The side of his mouth twitched in a half smile. "Why the hell didn't you tell me you were cutting me off _before_ we left the apartment?"

The way he looked at her like that made the primitive feminine part of her wish she _had_ told him before they'd left. She was slightly ashamed of that instinct. It was the truth that with her being sick they were already on their longest no-sex term since they'd been granted shore leave. The commander took control of the woman that reacted to his comment and stopped the blush before it could reach her cheeks.

"Ha ha. Alright, come on, I need my lieutenant." She turned her body to face the doors again as she sensed the elevator slow. She felt herself continue the conversion to commander.

"Oh, and Lieutenant…" She added as an afterthought. "Another comment like that in public and I'll shoot you in the knee caps. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am."

His voice told her he did. Just as easily as she had, he transformed into Lieutenant Alenko, a trusted friend and marine. She had her soldier back.

The elevator doors opened to the docking bay. Tali, Wrex and Drellis were all waiting for her. She greeted them warmly and before leading the way to the airlock. Shepard was met as usual by the ship's VI, but she couldn't help but feel a little more relieved to hear it than normal.

"_Logged: The commanding officer is aboard. Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau stands relieved_."

The doors finished opening fast enough for Shepard to catch Joker's response. "Correction! Mr. Most-handsome-rugged-and manly-pilot-in-the-universe sits pissed off!"

"Joker!" She barked teasingly, enough to see him jerk in his seat slightly.

"Sorry, Commander." She walked up to the pilot's chair so he could see her more easily. "I was just expressing myself, ma'am."

"As always, Joker. Send out a ship wide comm for all new personnel to report to the bridge for inspection. And then tell me why in the seventh circle of hell Pressley isn't here."

Joker did as she asked and turned his head to her. "Pressley was with family in Crater Sea somewhere. And I would appreciate it if you would appoint someone your second so I don't have to listen to this damn computer butcher my name… maybe I'll reprogram her later."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Do whatever you need to Joker, just don't poke around the vital systems, and _don't_ tell me what you're doing so I can have plausible deniability. Make Lieutenant Alenko my second." Shepard called to Tali over her shoulder, who she knew was only a few feet behind her.

"Tal, you're in charge of navigation, understood?"

"Of course, Commander."

"Commander, that still makes me in charge while you and Alenko are groundside." Joker said, annoyed.

"Good. If ever I can't get a hold of _you_, I'll know that there's no ship to return to. That's valuable information." She smiled.

"Why thank you, ma'am." He said dramatically. This environment was what she had missed most. She just felt good.

That was until she heard a bunch of booted footsteps come up the bridge. She faced the noise, knowing that among those fast approaching soldiers was the meeting she was dreading most. She wouldn't have to wait long. There at the front of the group was a young woman of olive skin and brown hair, tied in a high ponytail. The jaw line, the deep eyes, the proud stride… it was so familiar.

_Damn she looks like a Williams._ Shepard felt sick to her stomach. She hadn't felt this nervous since… well, she tried to remember that last time she was nervous. She'd been anxious and frustrated a few times before, but her uniform rarely allowed her even that.

Williams came to a stop in front of her, and half a dozen others lined up behind her. They seemed to accept Sarah as the pack leader or at least recognized her as the most assertive. It was a little unlike Ashley, but still Shepard understood those traits, she claimed them as well.

Shepard had expected awkward tension and some uneasy conversation, but when Sarah had reached her, a wide smile was splayed on her face.

"Sarah Williams." Shepard addressed with her own version of a welcoming smile, relieved at how approachable the teen appeared. Shepard shook her hand dutifully and found Sarah's greeting warm and strong; much like Ashley's. Maybe a little more feminine. Shepard felt an ache for her lost friend as she recollected the little things about Ashley that she missed.

"Commander Shepard, I've heard so much about you." Sarah smiled. She seemed to consider her next words carefully. She took a glance at Alenko, who was known to be a giddy conversation topic among the Williams girls. When Sarah turned her attention back to her commander, Shepard caught a glimpse of mischievous twinkle in the woman's eyes. "Lieutenant Alenko tells me you're a very talented woman. The best he's ever been with."

Sarah had kept a straight face, but something in her voice told Shepard she knew the connotation to her comment. The statement had been too brazen, too obvious to be coincidence. But the woman had said it jokingly, not harshly, and Shepard was very amused.

Shepard pursed her lips to prevent herself from laughing. The moment had been so intense and Sarah had bust the tension wide open. _God bless her_.

"Well," Shepard managed, matching Sarah's ease. She didn't dare look at Kaidan, he was probably blushing like hell, and she sure as hell wouldn't be able to pull off a good response if she saw that. The poor man hadn't even talked to Sarah yet.

Already Shepard was calculating in her head who it could be that would've put Sarah up to this, but the unusual silence from the pilot's chair gave her a hint.

"How nice of him to say. The lieutenant is pretty talented himself." She tried very hard to make it sound like she didn't know what the woman had meant, but she couldn't keep the wolfish grin out of her voice when she added the second part. "And he has endurance like you wouldn't believe. No matter how hard things get."

Shepard had miraculously said the words without even tripping, and it triggered the desired effect. There was a squeaky tight cough behind her where she knew Kaidan would be standing, Sarah's façade finally cracked and she was trying not to laugh, and there was a full on snicker coming from Joker's seat. She finally let herself laugh out loud and the group joined her. Well, except Kaidan, who's laugh seemed more of a nervous breath of air.

"Alright, Joker, how much did you pay her?" Shepard asked, turning on the pilot with a knowing tone.

"Why do you always assume it's me?" Joker said, "Jeez, just because I'm the only one brave enough to pitch you two shit."

"No." Shepard corrected. "It's because you're the only one stupid enough to."

The group laughed again, and Shepard turned back to Sarah. The young woman was so… amiable. It was comforting. And the way Sarah had been so quick to joke and tease… it was like she was already part of the team.

"All joking aside, Commander, it really is an honor to meet you. And I really have heard a lot about you. Ashley couldn't shut up about the incredible woman that was Commander Shepard."

Shepard smiled. Sarah reminded her so much of Ash. "Your sister was an incredible woman. One of the bravest I've ever met. And it's an honor to work with her sister and best friend."

Sarah took a deep breath. Shepard knew the technique well enough to know it was used to maintain composure. Shepard smiled again to soothe her as much as possible. "Once we get underway I'd be happy to share some stories with you."

Sarah smiled. "I'd like that, Commander."

Shepard nodded and continued her way along the bridge. The interaction had left her feeling confident about the mission. How could she have been so ridiculous? Of course Kaidan had been right, what had she expected? A teenager seeking revenge?

Shepard greeted the other new inhabitants of the _Normandy, _most of which were technicians and engineers and wouldn't be doing ground work. Of the seven only two were qualified for shore duty. Williams and a young man by the name of Franklin Jones. He was sweet and respectful, and maybe held a little too much inside, but Shepard got the vibe that he could be very effective in the field.

She couldn't help but keep glancing back at Sarah who was now talking animatedly to Joker. She was just as Ashley had described; outgoing, sweet, but strong. Shepard's heart was bursting with the grief of her lost comrade and the lives she had left behind. Ash would've been so proud of her sister.

"Time check, Joker?" Shepard called when she had interviewed all the rookies and assigned them all stations. She returned to the front of the ship. Most of the crew had dispersed among the ship already to see to their duties including Kaidan, so the bridge was empty save the commander and her pilot.

"Oh-six-hundred on the dot. When have you ever been late?" Joker questioned with genuine curiosity.

"Sometimes I feel I'm only ever too late. Let's just hope that isn't the case for Garrus. Get us out of here Joker."

"Yes ma'am." Joker went to work immediately.

Adrenaline rushed through Shepard's veins as her whole body hummed along with the engine. The ship smoothly disengaged from the docking bay and started heading out from the Citadel's long arms. Shepard found her heart beating rapidly as the wondrous ship picked up speed and exited the Citadel's atmosphere for the first time in months. There was something absolutely thrilling about the freedom she felt aboard her ship. She closed her eyes and let the dull roar of collaborative noise overcome her. The ship's drive core was in perfect harmony with the bleeping of control panels and hum of personnel voices and footsteps as the ship buzzed with life again.

"The comm channel's open if you want to give one of your good luck speeches, you know… Because those always work."

"Thanks, Joker." Shepard replied, ignoring Joker's sarcasm. She leaned over him and pushed the comm button.

"Attention crew, this is Commander Shepard speaking." She gave them a moment to direct their attention to her voice.

"We've been through a lot together, and first and foremost I want to thank you all so much for coming to my aid at a time like this, I know what you're sacrificing." Her mind wandered to what she and Kaidan might be doing at this moment if conditions had been different.

"I've come to consider this crew as my family, and this ship as my home, and I hope you all feel the same. But today, one of our family members is in extreme danger." _Garrus please be okay_, she added to herself.

"The history of this universe has been scarred by the betrayals and abandonment of allies over race, power, and money. The Krogan forsook the Rachni, only to be forsaken themselves by the Turians and Salarians. Our own past is a repeating history of treachery and betrayal. But today, we choose to break the chain. We choose instead to rewrite it. We will not forsake our friend. Today, we choose to save him."

Shepard lifted her finger off the comm unit to clear her throat and keep her voice from cracking. Then she continued:

"We cannot expect to win any future, if we do not protect those allies of our present. We are not rescuing a turian, a spectre, nor an officer today. We are rescuing a _brother_! And I promise you all, one way or another, we _will_ bring him home. Now let's go get our man!"

There was the sound of cheers from deep inside the ship and Shepard flipped the unit off.

"Do we have a heading ma'am?" Joker asked.

"Head for the Argus Rho cluster, Joker. Hydra system."

"Right away, Commander."

* * *

As usual on a first day she had technicians and engineers asking her to approve of lists and current statistics and all that crap that came with running a ship. She also had to assign field lockers to Williams and Jones, get them some better equipment from the Alliance Requisition Officer, and then smile politely while he complained about liscense prices. He had however managed to find some new armor for her over leave. He still asked an arm and a leg, but money wasn't really an issue for her since last tour. Besides, the Predator H X armor was impressively protective and was green camouflage. You couldn't beat the cool factor that came with wearing old style green camo.

_Jesus Shepard, since when the hell did you decide you care what your armor looks like?_

_When you realized people tend to watch you when you're a Spectre, _she justified.

Either way it was hours before she got to inspect her quarters. She of course passed Kaidan's station on the way, and offered him a smile. He smiled like he knew something she didn't but she pointedly didn't talk to him.

She was still trying to convince herself she could handle this whole working relationship thing under pressure. Her mind was on a million things, including Rahna, and it was very important for her not to let Kaidan catch her off guard.

She passed by him and went into her quarters. It hadn't of course changed at all. It was weird to be returning to single separated quarters. She walked over to the closet where half a dozen blue Alliance uniforms were folded and ironed into perfect squares. She let her fingers trail along the shelves and turned to her desk where she was sure there were already about five digital status updates about the ship. But on the desk was something she had not been expecting.

Shepard walked carefully to the flowers that stood out against the cool metal as much as a pink fluffy bunny would stand out on krogan armor.

Her brow furrowed as he picked up the flowers. She didn't know what kind they were. Shepard never had time to consider such things, but as she picked up the bundle a card fell from somewhere among the leaves. She picked it up with her other hand.

_Happy 30th, Beautiful. Hope this is the first of many birthdates I'll be sharing with you. And if you promise not report me for contraband, I'll tell you where I hid the wine. Here's to hoping we can find time. _

_Yours always,_

_Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko_

Shepard had forgotten the date, let alone that it was the birth date that Kaidan had assigned her. She never thought celebrating a birthday would matter to her. But even though it wasn't her real birthday, and that the date had only recently been made to mean something, she couldn't understand how the fact that he had remembered… and did something for her, despite the problems she knew were in their near future... it meant a lot to her. It was so simple, but so sweet Shepard found herself crushing the bouquet in a hug. She needed to see him.

She tossed the flowers and card on to the bed and exited her room. Kaidan wasn't at his station. She scanned the room but didn't see him until he had almost disappeared around the corner of the elevator.

"Lieutenant!" She called jogging to him.

"Yes, Commander?" He inquired innocently, pretending he didn't know exactly what she was coming to say.

"I-I… ummm." She began. She realized she didn't even really know what to say. She had wanted to maybe do something to him, kiss him maybe. But she couldn't, given the setting. She wished she had thought that through before rushing out and making a fool of herself. "Well… you, I wanted to… to umm."

"You're very welcome, ma'am." He said calmly.

_And it's Alenko to rescue, _her head told her.

She had gotten so used to contact with him coming so easily she had underestimated how hard it would be not to even hug him when she wanted to. Before her mind could argue her hand shot out and found his.

"Yes." She said. "Thank you. So much."

He smiled at her. Just then footsteps were heard coming down the stairs and out of reflex both their hands went flying to their sides. An engineer appeared around the corner and walked passed without anything more than a nod to either of them.

Kaidan coughed and she realized how childish she felt for freaking out over holding hands.

_You made the rules._

_Yes… and obviously all types of contact are just as effective at keeping me distracted. _

_Exactly. Control yourself._

She mentally shushed herself. "So how about dinner in the mess tonight? Seventeen hundred?" _Harmless enough. _

"It's already six, Commander."

Wow, how time had flown by. She'd been so preoccupied overseeing everything. And she still had quite a bit to do before she would feel comfortable taking time to coordinate dinner times.

"Yeah, okay. Eight then." She said. It felt weird hearing her commander voice say the words, but there they were.

"I'll be there." He said before turning to continue to wherever he was heading.

* * *

**Kaidan**

As Kaidan had predicted it was eight on the dot when Shepard entered the mess hall. Sarah had been telling him some story about her recent time in boot camp. Shepard sat wordlessly next to him; she just let out a great sigh of exhaustion.

It was funny, how easy he had thought staying away from her would be. It wasn't difficult keeping himself from touching her; it was difficult catching the impulses. He had never realized just how often they had bodily contact as civilians. It was just something he did. Like grazing her arm just to know she was there.

He could control himself, which was the mind over matter part. If he knew he was going to have the urge to reach out for her, it was the simplest thing in the world to deny his body the desire. The trick was recognizing when he would have the urge. Just then, when she had sat down in her tired state his arm muscles twitched in a way that suggested they were about to move around her shoulders on their own accord, but he consciously just barely caught himself in time and covered the muscle spasm as purposeful when he stood up.

"Can I get you your dinner, Commander?" Okay so it wasn't something you would normally ask your CO, but he could always claim that politeness never hurt anyone.

"No, but you can get me yours." She said, indicating she was still jealous of the amount of food he received as a biotic.

Again, Kaidan raced his mind against his body to keep himself from saying "Sure."

He punched in Shepard's meal ID number, a sure sign they'd eaten together a hundred times. Him and Ash had shared meals with their commander on a daily basis.

That was the other strange thing about the mess. Ashley had died six months ago, but technically it was only five meals ago on the _Normandy_. Though the chair Ash had sat in was unknowingly being filled by Sarah right now, the hall still seemed a bit emptier with Ash's absence.

He brought both trays back with him and set Shepard's in front of her. Respectfully, he sat a seat away from her this time.

"Lieutenant, what are you doing?"

"Giving you some space?" Lame excuse. _It's easier to control myself over here._

She glared at him suspiciously. "Alenko, you haven't shrunk away from me since you felt guilty for hitting me over the head with that beacon."

Alenko glanced over to Sarah who had an amused look on her face.

"Don't be giving her the wrong idea; we both know that's not how it happened." He said, sliding his tray over to her side once more.

"Besides, I didn't know if sitting next to you was against the rules." He added with exaggeration.

Shepard rolled her eyes but didn't say anything.

"What rules?" Sarah asked.

Kaidan dodged Shepard's accusatory glare."The rules that keep us from making anyone feel uncomfortable." She said diplomatically after Kaidan has diverted his gaze.

"Ah." Sarah said. "Still pretending no one knows, huh?"

Shepard looked from Kaidan to Sarah and back again before shrugging and returning to her dinner. Kaidan hated not knowing what she was thinking at time like this.

"So, Commander… can I ask about the mission?" Sarah asked.

Shepard's chewing slowed. "What is it that you want to know?"

Kaidan watched Sarah smile as if it were Shepard's caution that was foreign and out of place, not Sarah's easy attitude. "What kind of human goes on a non-mandatory mission that's dangerous enough to be caught and held prisoner?"

"The commander does it all the time." Kaidan looked admiringly at the commander. The look on her face suggested she hadn't really thought of it that way.

"In any case," Shepard said, "he's not human. He's a turian, and a very good friend. Garrus was on a mission for me when he got captured. "

"Whoa, wait a minute, Garrus is a turian?" Sarah asked in an odd tone.

"Yes," Shepard said slowly, "Garrus Vakarian."

"Wow. I didn't know that's who we were going to save. Ashley mentioned becoming good friends with someone named Garrus. She said they spent hours talking, I just hadn't dreamt he'd be a turian."

Shepard pointed her fork in Sarah direction. "That's the attitude Ashley had at first too. He's a turian so he can't be trusted. Let alone be a good friend."

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to offend-" Sarah looked as if she had just now heard how she must've sounded.

The commander didn't say anything for a moment.

"Forget it. I'm sorry for being touchy about it. I'm just worried about Garrus. He's in danger because he was trying to protect us. Me and Kaidan, I mean. We owe him our lives a million times over for all he's done for us… and if I don't get to him in time…"

The expression on Shepard's face pushed Kaidan to bend the rule a little bit. Beneath the table he squeezed her thigh comfortingly. "We'll get there in time, Shepard. He's a Spectre, I'm sure he's okay."

"Yeah." She gave Kaidan a weak smile. "I know you're right."

She looked back at Sarah, who in turn appeared apprehensive and worried about displeasing the commander. "Williams, you're part of something now bigger than humanity. You're not on human territory anymore. And a life is a life, no matter what it's wrapped in. Any life, as long as there is hope, is worth saving, don't you think?"

"Yes, ma'am." Sarah agreed quickly.

Shepard smiled and returned to her meal, and Kaidan resumed his job of mood-lightener.

"So, Sarah… I remember this one time, the Commander, Ash, and I were on this backwater planet investigating this distress signal…"


	7. You're a Machine

**Chapter VII: You're a Machine**

"_Rising above tension below_

_Learn from the in-between_

_Blinded by trust, asleep to the truth_

_Awakened by disbelief."_

_-You're a machine, _Josh Groban

**Shepard**

The blue numbers on Shepard's bedside clock may have read 'stay awake' instead of two forty five AM for all the sleep she was getting. She rolled over again and tried to focus on something else.

Thoughts of Rahna and what she might have done to Garrus kept invading her head. That and why Rahna would want Alenko dead. And once aboard her ship her head was filled again with the Reapers, Protheans, and what she would do to prevent history from repeating itself.

It wasn't really these thought that kept her from falling asleep. She had been annoyed to find that along with her old quarters came her old nightmares. She refused to admit to herself that the most likely reason she'd gone without nightmares these last few months, had been Kaidan's presence next to her.

No, she blamed the dreams that plagued her tonight on her ship. That was it; being on the ship just brought back all those memories and dreams.

She'd had the same one twice since she'd tried to go to bed. It was one of those that came along with the vision of Ilos. The terrain and environment was so vividly different then those of Ilos, but the fear and desperation she felt through the dream was enough to make her feel sick. There was this huge Prothean road… it looked like the largest highway she'd ever seen. There were stone columns on either side, and the protheans were desperately running up the road, some crawling with horrible wounds. A few were trying to carry loved ones.

Shepard always found herself following them. There was this feeling that is she could just get to the other end of where ever this road took them she would be safe. The group of refugees twisted and turned along the road for what seemed like hours before reaching a giant compound of some sort. But just when she would reach it, there was a high yowling sound that made her drop to her knees as a red light brushed over the building, and the place was destroyed. There was a flash of blinding light and Shepard would wake up.

Oh how she cursed that beacon way back on Eden Prime that had blessed her with such visions. Of course, better her than the lieutenant. Alenko had enough headaches with his implant… that added to the migraines Shepard was often left with after a dream would drive anyone mad.

In her heart she knew just talking to Kaidan would make her feel better and she might get some sleep. But she would not allow herself such a luxury. She was a soldier again.

* * *

A couple days later, Shepard stood in the mess hall surrounded by her alien comrades and human ground soldiers, planning her actions to recover Garrus.

"There's not a big enough spot for a drop in your Mako." Drellis said. "It's all overgrown forest; the base itself is snuggled into the dense trees. The team Garrus took with him had to take the Jarkin, and even then they hit the building skidding to a stop."

"I'm sorry," Jones said, raising a hand slightly in the air. "The Jar-what's it?"

Commander Shepard was pouring over the maps of Syba, none of which even acknowledged a base. There was one grid indicating an old excavated prothean ruin, but given her history with prothean ruins, she was hoping that it wasn't where the base had been built. But it was at least a place to start. Drellis seemed to think the base and the ruins were one in the same.

"It's a turian transport vehicle." She told Franklin without looking up. "It's about one third of the size of the Mako, and looks cross between a motorcycle and a vertical glider. They only require a few feet for a drop."

Alenko stood next to her, pointing a few miles south of the ruins. "Looks like there's a lake large enough for the _Normandy_ to hover a bit here. Maybe we could drop there and hike in?"

He trailed his fingers down the map to the lake. His hand brushed along hers in such a way that she could've imagined it if he hadn't lingered a little bit too long. She tried to keep herself from getting distracted and considered his suggestion. "Maybe, but that doesn't really give a quick escape if we need it-"

"Uh, Commander?" Joker cut into their conversation over the comm. "I've got a channel link to Admiral Hackett. Should I patch him through?"

Shepard bristled; that man's timing was about as brilliant as Joker's. _It figured he'd call now. _"Joker, did you tell him we're in the middle of an important rescue mission?"

"Yes, ma'am." Joker said in a tone she should've have reprimanded him for. "But for some odd reason he thinks he takes priority."

Shepard groaned. "Patch him, Joker."

There was a slight crackle as Shepard braced herself for a serious case of "conflict of interests". She couldn't afford to be stopped now; they were only hours from Syba.

"Commander, I don't like being kept waiting." Hackett's gravelly voice came over the system.

"Sorry, we're a bit busy over here." Shepard said, hoping he'd get the hint.

"Well, you're about to get a whole lot busier." _Guess not. _"I need you to take care of a mess in the Phoenix system. Now."

They were only two hours away from the Phoenix system, but that didn't change the fact that Shepard had to get to Garrus as soon as possible. "With all due respect sir, I really, really, really, can't." She said, already feeling like she knew how this conversation would end.

"You really, really, really don't have a choice." Hackett countered. "Hostages are involved."

"I'm not the only one that can-"

"They'll be shot if you personally aren't the one to deal with this. The captors asked for you, and we'd like to settle this peacefully. So you're going."

Shepard's mind went to Garrus, and she wondered briefly if Rahna would have similar intentions with him. Even as anger and defiance pushed Shepard into an argument against Hackett he cut into her thoughts again.

"I know you're under the council now, but you are still running on Alliance recourses, resources that you are not supposed be using right now. You were ordered on shore leave, but because of your unique situation the Alliance has turned the other cheek. You owe us this."

Shepard's words died in her throat. She had to get to Garrus, but she knew Hackett was right. And it wasn't the first time she'd had to sacrifice her own interests for duty, but she was still angry and frustrated.

"Yes, sir." She said curtly, which was pretty nice considering how she felt. Hackett's voice didn't stay to argue and clipped out.

For a very brief second Shepard considered going on with the original plan, but in her heart she knew she couldn't. The conversation had lasted about forty seconds, but it had changed her whole demeanor.

"Joker…" Shepard said defeated, shaking her head.

"Yes ma'am, changing course now." Joker said sounding annoyed as well.

Shepard felt like throwing something. She looked around at the faces around her, every single one expecting her to say something. Instead she turned and left the room and headed for the elevator.

It didn't take a N7 to know she was being followed, but for whatever reason, she didn't make Kaidan turn around.

* * *

**Kaidan**

Kaidan slipped tentatively into the elevator behind Shepard and moved himself to the opposite wall of the one she was leaning on. They had reached the cargo bay and crossed the floor to the bench by the time he spoke.

"You alright, Shepard?" He asked when she stopped walking and turned. She had kept herself pretty calm with Hackett, but Kaidan could tell she was really pissed underneath her façade of composure.

"I'm just worried about him." She said it as if she were trying to justify the emotions inside her. She plopped down on the bench next to the lockers. "If something happens to him…"

He crouched down a few feet in front of her to level his gaze at her. He made a point of making sure she was looking into his eyes. "Garrus is a Spectre, if there's a way to survive, he'll find it."

The sides of Shepard's mouth twitched, and she nodded. "I know you're right. And I know I am doing the right thing. I just… feel so guilty. It's my fault he's in danger."

Kaidan searched his mind for words that he could tell her, words that would convince her it wasn't her fault at all, but none of them sounded right. So instead he settled for trying to make her laugh.

Without sitting up he hopped towards her on his haunches. The action was so completely ridiculous, he knew, but it served its purpose. He was rewarded with a bright laugh that he had been missing more than he knew.

"What the hell are you doing?" She smiled at him, shaking her head.

He hopped forward once more until he was inches from her, and he bravely put his hands on her thighs to steady himself. He almost lost his balance and had to get a better grip on her. Again Shepard laughed at his attempts to stay upright.

"Making you laugh." He answered, offering his best smile. He couldn't hide how nice it was be there for her in a way no one else could.

She shook her head, and despite her tone, she was smiling. "You are thirty two years old Lieutenant Alenko, and I will not tolerate silliness on my ship."

He tilted his head at her. Quickly she scoped the cargo bay, which appeared empty. When she was satisfied no one was around, she turned back to him.

Kaidan felt his heart skip again when she kissed him. Damn, how he had forgotten how blissful her kisses were. He was cautious and careful when he kissed her back, afraid she might change her mind. When she didn't show any signs of letting go, he moved his hands from her thighs to her waist as he settled into a kneeling position between her legs. Once he was on his knees, they could get much closer.

He felt an arm slip around his neck, her other hand ran through his hair as she deepened her kiss. Damn. They'd only been on the ship for a little over fifty hours; did he really need her so bad that he had resorted to kissing her in a darkened cargo bay?

He was about to pull her flush against his body, he wanted to so bad. _So _bad, but suddenly he got the feeling in his stomach that what they were doing was very wrong. Reluctantly but quickly he pulled away.

He waited for her questions, but she seemed to understand why he had pulled away. They loosened their hold on each other, and she leaned her forehead on his and licked her lips.

"Yeah, you're right." She said, knowing what he had felt.

He closed his eyes and listened to her voice. They'd only been on the ship a couple days. He hadn't known how accustomed he had grown to being able to touch her, hold her all day, and this moment ached, just knowing it would end, and they would go back to just being crew members again. This was probably the closest he would be to her in weeks.

"I love you." She whispered, and he instantly knew that she had been thinking the same thing.

He sighed fitfully and tilted his head back. He brought his hand to her face and just looked at her for a long time. She closed her eyes when he touched her. A long moment they stayed like that. He lived every second that he could just kneel there, could examine her features unabashedly and feel that she was affected by him just as much as he was her.

"We better get someone else down here before I do something stupid again." He said sensibly, releasing her beautiful face from his hand and standing, delivering a quick kiss to her cheek.

Shepard took a few seconds herself, regaining her control. "Hey Alenko, see if Williams is doing anything. I remember Ash mentioning she knew aikido, I want to see if she can teach me anything." She said, melding back into the commander.

"Yes, ma'am." He smiled, heading for the elevators. When he reached them he turned to glance back at Shepard and smiled to himself when he saw the calm that had returned to her. That he had put there.

* * *

**Shepard**

Shepard stood in the airlock a few hours later with her crew, their helmets under the arms. She felt the uncomfortable pop of her ears as the airlock matched its pressure to that of Vebinok.

"Alright crew," she started, turning to face them, "We don't know who these people are or why they want this little meeting, but our main priority regardless is to secure the hostages, and get the hell out of there with minimal violence."

She sighed in her head. How many times had she said that before? About as many times as they were roped into an all-out firefight.

"Remember," she added, "these terrorists specifically requested the _Normandy_, so let's give them what they want. But we need to be ready to get out in a hurry if we need to."

She turned to face the front again. Thanks to the cramming of six people in the airlock, she was rather close to everyone, especially the lieutenant. She turned her head and spoke, quietly, but strongly; enough to get his attention. "Hey, Alenko…"

He looked up from the grenades he was strapping to his armor. "Yes, ma'am?"

She took special care not to lose his gaze when she spoke her next words. She wanted to sound confident. "If I get delayed for whatever reason, you have to get the hostages and the rest of the team and get out. I'm putting you in charge."

He was her best soldier, and she needed to be able to rely on him, but she knew she was asking a lot, and it showed.

He was silent for only a moment before replying grimly. "Yes, ma'am."

Halfway between turning to face the front again she turned back. "Oh, and Alenko?"

He looked at her again, brow furrowed slightly. She gave him a smile, and before she knew what she was doing she leaned through the space between them and kissed him. It was quick, so fast that she had returned to position before he had even registered what had happened. She could almost hear his "what the hell was that?" in her head.

"For good luck." She justified. She looked straight ahead to prevent herself from laughing while he tried to suppress a tiny smile. Thankfully, no one in the airlock said anything. Shepard felt a little sheepish over her impulsions, but anyone who dared say anything was going to receive a swift kick to the shin.

The second doors of the airlock opened and orange tinged light flowed into the airlock.

"Helmets on." She commanded, pulling her own helmet over her ears and hearing the satisfying click of the neck seal. "Alright, communications check. Wrex?"

"Shepard?" He answered over the helmet comm, matching her tone in a mock of the way she'd said his name. _Smart ass_.

"Jones?" Shepard had invited both Franklin and Williams on this mission. She wanted to see them both in action before she could secure their spots on ground team. If they worked out here, she could use them in the Polaris mission. She would need the extra hands, but she didn't want to wait until then to find out that they had low endurance or horrible aim. Knowing Ashley, Shepard doubted Sarah would have a problem.

"Here, Commander." The kid seemed antsy, kind of how Jenkins used to be. She silently told herself to stop relating Jones to Jenkins. She refused to repeat her mistakes.

"Tali?" She continued.

"Here, Shepard." Tali's quarian suit had a built in communications system that worked. Go figure. The only reason Shepard bothered asking was so that Tali wouldn't feel intentionally left out.

"Alenko?"

"Linked in, Commander."

"Williams?"

"Gotcha, Skipper." _Skipper_. Shepard hadn't heard that name in a long time. There were very few people who had ever called her that.

"Too informal?" Sarah asked nervously when Shepard didn't say anything. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd heard Ash called you that."

"No, 'skipper' is fine." Shepard said slowly, masking her emotion as she passed a brief memory of Ashley. Normally going into a hostage situation with such a large crew was like handing the enemy more hostages, but she needed the backup, especially since she knew very little about this mission, and rescue missions were supposedly textbook, every good training camp ran the scenario pretty frequently. "I just haven't heard that name in a long time. Let's move out everyone!"

She led the group of misfits through the port to where Joker had arranged two Makos on the other side. The compound was about five clicks away from the port they were parked in, talk about an inconvenience. But either the people in the port didn't know her at all or knew her enough to leave her alone because they passed through the various sections without so much as one approach. She realized she must have looked extremely dangerous and intimidating wandering the port carrying at least one open or concealed weapon per square foot on her person, let alone being followed by three well equipped soldiers, a quarian, and a krogan.

And she wasn't taking a meandering clip either. By habit, she basically stormed through security and customs, reaching the garage in mere minutes.

"Lieutenant, you take Wrex and Tali in the second Mako. I'm taking our rookies for a little initiation drive."

The lieutenant didn't respond, but Tali gave a short laugh and Wrex cackled wickedly at the two soldiers, who were now looking at one another nervously. Shepard motioned for them to get inside the first vehicle.

Kaidan waited in turn for the aliens to clamber into the second Mako as well. "You're not going to make me follow your trail, right?" He asked, keeping a carefully blank face.

"Aw, come on Lieutenant, I thought you liked my driving." She teased.

"Sure, now." He verified. "But initiation sucked ass."

She chuckled before turning to the Mako and starting to climb in. Partway, she turned to him again. "I wouldn't dare ask you to follow." She winked, and ascended into the cockpit.

The first thing she did was turn in her seat to find both Jones and William sitting in the back. "What, you two too scared to sit up here with me?" She challenged.

"No, Ma'am." Sarah defended quickly before unfastening her restraint and clambering over the console to get into the passenger seat.

"Good girl." She praised. "Team one to team two, everything in working condition?"

"Yes, ma'am." Alenko said. "Strapping in now."

Shepard heard a struggle behind her, and turned to see the blonde marine fighting with the buckle on his restraint. "Hold on," She said, noticing how nervous the corporal seemed. "We're not all strapped in."

"Don't worry, Kid." She reassured him. "I won't kill us. Just grit your teeth and it will be over before you know it."

"Hey Jonesy," Wrex's baritone rumbled over the comm, "If it gets to be too much, scream. It helps. Make sure that belt is tight enough to cut off circulation." He finished with a growling laugh.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Shepard said to the comm.

Next to her, the second Mako revved and whirred, rolling forward a few feet. She couldn't resist. "Getting anxious, Alenko?"

"No, ma'am. I would only be anxious if I were riding with you." He unsuccessfully kept the playfulness out of his voice. She silently praised him for the lightening of the mood. Having him around was good for moral.

"That's pretty big talk from someone who got his ass kicked by a girl once already today." She said, referring to Sarah impressive display of aikido earlier. "Care to race?"

Once she was sure the kid was strapped in she started the engine and rolled forward to match her front with the nose of the second Mako.

"Ha ha. No."

"Chicken shit." She said under her breath.

"I heard that." He shot back.

"Good." Shepard smiled to herself. She even heard something that sounded like a short laugh from Jones. "Alright enough goofing around, let's go. See you on the other side."

Shepard started out slow and easy, doing sporadic start and stops, using the thruster to hop down the road leading out of the garage. So far, the rookies didn't show any signs of being too worried. But then Shepard reached the end of the garage and the beginning of the road, which cut straight through the barren mountainous terrain of Vebinok.

Ahead of them, the Mako trail was carved into the mountain, great ridges of rock and stone lining each side the road. As instructed, Alenko took the path.

"Alright Lieutenant, keep to the road at a steady speed and I'll try not to hit you."

Without warning she slammed on the gas and roared the Mako to life. Sarah gave a slight gasp as Shepard didn't slow down. She was flooring the pedal, picking up speed with every meter. She needed a good crash course, get the worst over quickly. She used her speed to run up the right-hand ridge.

"Whoa Commander , what are you doing?" Jones said from the back seat.

Shepard ignored him as she leveled the Mako along the top, riding the ridge just inside the edge, her right wheels elevated higher than her left. When she reached a high enough speed she switched on the right thrusters throwing the Mako in to a spinning free fall from the ridge, rolling in the air and plummeting back down to the road. She cheered to drown out the screams of the other two as they flew through the air, her body pressed against the seat. At just the right moment she it the thrusters again and landed them upright in the middle of the road.

She smiled and examined Sarah, who was white knuckling the handrail on the roof, looking straight ahead, mouth still agape in shock.

"Well, what do you think?" Shepard pressed. Sarah only nodded rapidly, but Shepard heard a distinct 'holy shit' from behind her seat.

"Welcome to the team." The crew of the second Mako chimed over the comm. Then Shepard had a wicked idea.

She pressed the gas again, the vehicle roaring in response. The second team would be a ways behind her now, following the slow pace she'd set for them. She yanked on the wheel, pulling the Mako into a tight one eighty that slammed her body against the wall of the vehicle. Sarah gave a tiny whoop at the turn and Shepard glanced at her with a new appreciation. _There's the Williams gene_, Shepard smiled fondly. Sarah winked at her.

Shepard checked her navigator screen. There, she could see the dot representing Alenko's Mako. He was about to crest the hill, he couldn't see her yet. She grinned wickedly, and then thrust the Mako forward; the speed accumulating quickly.

She was going to have to go a little faster if she was going to beat Kaidan to the top. She was nearly there when Sarah recognized they were heading straight for him.

She barreled up the hill, and he didn't show any signs of knowing where she was or that maybe he might be expecting her. They both breached the top of the hill together, and for a second she stared straight into his eyes, the look on his face matching his "Jesus Christ!"

At the last second Shepard burned her thrusters and hopped over him, landing on the other side with deft skill. Her cheer was drowned out by a number of swear words emitting from both teams.

"God damn you, Shepard!" Kaidan's voice exclaimed through her helmet, his anger softened by his slight amusement. "The whole point of playing chicken is letting the other person _know _you are coming!"

"Too easy." She said simply. She pulled another u-turn and ignored the various complaints.

She continued most of the remaining trip like that, pulling intense turns, flips and spins that twisted her body, every time landing with sturdy precision. She was pushing both the vehicle and her crew to their limits, burning rubber and crunching metal until Sarah had gotten used to it and started cheering with every trick (however never taking her right hand off the rail). Even Jones managed to stop gasping or yelling. And then Shepard saw it. A break in the upper ridge about four hundred meters ahead. This time she didn't bother with hiding what she as doing, she turned right and drove up the steep side until she sat perched on top of the great face of rock, aimed at the gap. The _jump._ Sarah was fast to figure out what Shepard had planned.

"Whoa, Commander, come on. That jump had got to be at least four hundred feet." For the first time Sarah sounded scared. Shepard didn't answer. Her streamlined arms muscles tightened as she gripped the wheel, looking straight ahead. And then, like a cue, the gas pedal clanged against the floor as the commander pressed the Mako to the point of squealing. She would need to achieve max speed if she was going to make it. Next to her, Williams put her left hand on the roof to steady herself.

"Whoa, okay Shepard, Jesus, that's a suicide jump, don't be stupid." Kaidan's insisted firmly. "I'm serious."

"Lieutenant, there's a sixty-seven percent chance of injury if she-"

"Yeah, thanks Tali, keep that kind of shit to yourself." Kaidan shot back.

Shepard ignored all of this, keeping her eyes locked on her goal. A few more seconds and she'd be there. No going back now, she was going too fast to stop. Every member of the crew yelled for her to stop.

Five.

"Shepard-"

Four.

"Damn it, Commander!"

Three.

"Don't do it!"

Two.

"NO!"

One.

Shepard nailed the lip in the ridge perfect; hit the thrusters for just the right second. The Mako sailed through the air. Shepard's body felt weightless inside the roaring machine, her stomach lurched and fell, her head exploding with every single crew member yelling. The other team shouted in protest, while her own now airborne vessel was a layer of Jones' outright yells, her own cheer, and Sarah 'yee-haw' and crazy laugh. In that moment Shepard could've kissed the young woman.

The Mako began to lose altitude, and she replaced her left hand firmly on the wheel, her right hovering over the thruster's button. The fall seemed to last forever, and the ledge was just in her reach. If she could hit at just the right moment…

_Crunch._ There was a sickening sound of metal bending in on itself on the landing, but they were okay. She rolled slowing back down the hill to the road where the other Mako was waiting. She reached the bottom, and pulled to a stop. She asked Tali to get out and check to make sure they were still good for transportation, however it was Alenko who hopped out first, and he looked pissed.

Shepard hadn't really seen him angry before and to be honest it was a little scary to see such a composed man with a clenched jaw, storming to her door. But she was Commander Shepard, she could handle it. She opened the door and jumped out to meet him head on.

Before she had even stood straight he was inches from her.

"Damn it, Shepard, what the hell was that?" Okay, scratch shocked, she was outright stricken, and more than a little irritated with his tone. She recognized concern when she heard it, but he was showing too much emotion to even be considered acceptable.

"Excuse me!?" She demanded, drawing herself to full height. _Don't forget your place._

"Don't ever do that again, you could've killed yourself!" He didn't touch her, but Shepard guessed it was taking a lot of self control on his part. She began to feel a surprising amount of anger bubbling inside of her. She wasn't going to allow him to take that tone with her. Not while they were in uniform, not while they were with the crew, not in the middle of a mission. She was ticked.

"Well, it's not your job to tell me what I can and can't do. I'm the commander and you're the lieutenant. I knew I could handle it and you knew I could handle it. And I'm _not_ going to change my methods just because my lieutenant gets a little uncomfortable!" She shot back. Most people would've quivered in their envirosuits at a spectre speaking in the tone Shepard was, but if it fazed Alenko, he was good at covering it.

"I am not saying it as your lieutenant-"

"Then you shouldn't be saying it at all!" Shepard reminded him.

He looked around at the crew, finally taking notice that _they_ had taken notice. He huffed and looked like he was about to try a more diplomatic approach, but Shepard wouldn't let him.

"We'll discuss it later!" She said loudly, angrily, dismissing him completely. "Until then, keep your head in the mission, and your eyes on the enemy." She said it as a warning, a threat to make sure he would see her only as his commander throughout the rest of the mission.

_Damn him. He was supposed to be able to handle this. _

He took a step back and she took a deep breath, calming herself. He looked a little hurt, but also a little like he knew he deserved his scolding. She leaned in, trying to retain a calm tone.

"Alenko, I can't function on a mission pissed. I need to be able to communicate with you and I need you to stay focused. I can't do this without you, pull yourself together." Then more dangerously, "But we will be discussing this later. And if you ever question my authority in the field, in front of my men again, I will have you reassigned."

He scowled, but nodded. "Sorry, Commander." Then he swiftly turned on his heel and returned to his vehicle.

Shepard shook her head and climbed back in her own rover. "We okay to go, Tali?"

"Yes, Commander. You're all set."

"Alright. Let's go."


	8. Let the Flames Begin

**Chapter VIII: Let the Flames Begin**

"_Somewhere weakness is our strength,_

_And I'll die searching for it._

_I can't let myself regret,_

_Such selfishness."_

_-Let the Flames Begin, _Paramore

**Shepard**

The rest of the trip to the base was nearly silent. Shepard let the hum of the Mako lull her into a collective calm as she drove down the road. She refused to let herself think about her confrontation with Kaidan. She had a lot to think about, and contemplating it now would distract her. No, this was 'hero' time.

It was a good ten minutes before the compound showed up on her nav computer. According to the device, the building lay on the other side of a dusty hill to her left. She pulled off the road and stopped her trail about eight meters from the top of the mound.

"Stay here." She instructed to Williams and Jones before hopping out of the door. She crouched low and stalked slowly to the top of the hill. When she was almost there, she lay on the belly of her armor and crawled the rest of the way to peek her head over the edge and survey the scene. Using the screen in her visor as binoculars she spotted a large stone base being heavily guarded, dominantly, by a single race; krogan. But that wasn't the most disturbing thing. Scanning the area for possible vantage points, she spotted a similar reoccurring symbol on the armor of all the warriors. She scowled until her eyes hurt, trying to figure out what it was those symbols meant. She made a note of the layout and slid back, standing again before heading for the second Mako to where Wrex was sitting. She opened the door to his side.

"We got some problems." She said simply, rapping her fingers along door frame.

"Your weapons no longer match your armor?." Wrex said wryly. Shepard gave him a look that hopefully showed that now wasn't the time for joking.

"Wrex… What are the odds that a group of krogan would work collaboratively? And not just work together, but create their own organization?"

Wrex scowled… or more so than he usually did, anyway. "You have better luck finding a coordinated group of krogan ballerinas. Krogan don't stick together well, Shepard. I've told you that."

"Yeah, well… You better start practicing your pirouettes." She let out a deep exhale. This complicated things. How badly do you have to piss someone off to secure your own opposing krogan army?

"Next question: What are the odds that a coordinated krogan syndicated would call a human spectre to their base just to _negotiate_?"

Wrex shook his head. "I'd say you're in deep. The krogan don't mess around. If they got together to call one person here, I can promise you they don't mean to let that person walk away."

Shepard nodded as she considered her options, and there weren't a whole hell of a lot of them. Especially given that she had no clue what these krogan wanted, or why it had anything to do with her.

Regardless, the odds of them getting out without violence seemed lower and lower. And whatever team she sent to locate the civilians would need to be the bigger of the two, for they would no doubt be seen as a threat and find larger resistance.

"Okay," She acknowledged. "Change of plans. Alenko, I'm giving you both Williams and Jones. Wrex is coming with me. Take Tali and get the innocents out of there while I figure out what all this is about."

"With all due respect Commander, I don't like it." The lieutenant said, trying to not sound too personal about it. "Nothing about this feels right. At least let us all accompany you inside. Once you set up communications with the boss, we can bargain for the civilians."

She couldn't deny that she would feel more comfortable facing an army of krogan if she had more back up.

"I'll tell you what; we'll all go in together and once we've established contact we'll split. Once you four have the hostages cram them into one Mako, Williams and Jones will accompany them back to the port. Once they're out of sight, I give you permission to come back in after me, but not a moment before. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am." The lieutenant agreed, starting to climb out his side of the Mako.

She nodded in acknowledgment and then walked back to her two soliders still her rover to relay the plan. Then, to keep the vehicles a safe distance from the base, the whole group of six proceeded down the hill toward the front of the stone and cement building. At first the guards lifted their guns at her, but she walked slowly, calmly towards them.

"Commander Shepard." She introduced herself. "I'm here to talk."

The guard on the left looked over her shoulder. "You brought quite the arsenal just for a little chit chat."

"You've got an Alliance marine and his family in there. I'm here to negotiate their release. Just let them go, and I'll do whatever I can to remedy whatever problems you may have."

Shepard was watching the two krogan closely for any signs of reaction or fear. She found none, and when the two escorted her and her crew into the building ten minutes later, they did not require her or any of her men to drop their weapons… and the team wore a whole lot of them. The group must not have seen her as a threat, which either meant they were willing to negotiate or simply were very confident that they could take her.

She counted turns and passes as they were led through a maze of stone and steel hallways. They were finally brought to a small room where lights sat attached to the walls once every few feet. There was an equipment container in the left corner, and two more krogan guards aside the door along the far side.

"Wait here." One of the krogan that had led her inside rumbled and their two of guides went through the guarded door on the far wall. The krogan that remained to guard the door straightened, but didn't move or speak to her or her crew. The door closed and made a louder, heavier sound than expected, and Shepard squinted her eyes at it. Beside her Wrex motioned for her attention.

"Alenko," She said, eyeing the remaining seemingly unresponsive krogan. "Go decrypt that equipment locker, see if our two friends do anything. If not, I'll be over in a few moments to check out what you dig up."

"Of course, ma'am." He said, turning to do as she asked and walking to the far corner. Shepard then followed Wrex to the opposite corner, the guards eyeing her, but not advancing.

"What is it, Wrex?"

"That's a duel blast door, Shepard." Wrex nodded towards the thick doors the krogan had left through.

"_Duel_ blast door… isn't that a little old century?"

Duel blast doors had once been very common. They were solid, think doors that were used to keep chemicals, fire, and even water from reaching the concealed area. Single blast doors were still very popular, and in fact were used in most factories and ships. The old duel model had two independently swishing doors, one a few inches in front or behind the other, entering from opposite sides of door frame. They had been twice has strong as the original blast door, but because of their thickness and temperamental controls, they often got stuck. Or one would open and the other refused to, an occurrence that resulted in the death of more than a few in different emergency situations. In the end, the duel blast doors were recalled, and the single style was considered strong enough to suffice, and survived.

Wrex growled his version of a snicker. "Do those look old to you?"

Shepard looked back at the silver-gray doors. They damn near sparkled, and it didn't take and engineer to understand that generally speaking, shiny equaled new.

"Okay, so now what?" She turned back to Wrex who had his head, and supposedly his ear, pressed against the slate wall. Had it been anyone else, Shepard at least would've questioned him, but she had given up trying to figure out the krogan's tendencies a long while ago.

"These walls are heavier than the rest… Between the blast doors and these walls, I'm thinking the room was built to protect from explosion. And if this room is designed to withstand explosion-"

"-Then odds are the rest of the building is designed to explode." Shepard finished, shaking her head at this new added threat.

The commander looked around the room. The others stood gathered in the corner, and thankfully, didn't hear. Already the gears in her head were turning.

"Alright, keep it to yourself, and keep your eyes open for the ordinance and trigger. Let's hope the others don't notice or we'll never get them out of here." She met Wrex's eyes, warrior to warrior. "If it comes down to just you and me, are you in?"

"I'm always up for a challenge, Shepard." Wrex smiled amusedly and sat up from his leaning position. "So what's your plan?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know what they want, why they want me dead, or how I can guarantee anyone else's safety." _Shit_. She added subconsciously.

"You can try bribing them. Remember, krogan like to fight, they like money, and they love fighting for money."

"Payment in return for the others' safety? But what's to make them keep their promises once I'm dead?" Shepard found it kind of interesting how years of fighting for your life made dying sound like such an insignificant event.

Wrex looked a little angry. "Krogan don't lie, Shepard. That's a human flaw. When was the last time you heard of a krogan lying?"

It was true, the krogan were honorable at least. She remembered when Wrex told her the story of the only target that ever got away from him, but he had told his employer the truth, that the target had gotten away, even though it likely dishonored his name to do it.

"Shepard, if you can get their leader to tell you he won't hurt someone, he won't. It's just a matter of getting him to say the words. That's the trick; they obviously don't value your word, so there's not a lot of bargaining room."

Shepard nodded, letting a plan form in her head. "Okay. Once step at a time, we'll get through this."

"Commander," The lieutenant's voice sounded from the storage device. "I've cracked it."

Shepard tossed an acknowledging nod to Wrex and walked over to where Kaidan stood leaning over the equipment locker. He had laid out the contents, which was nothing really spectacular. To tell the truth, Shepard was more interested in why the other two krogan weren't caring.

"Leave it." She said evenly, not taking her eyes off the guards. "If we have time we can grab it on our way out."

There was a loud heavy whoosh as the doors in question opened and the krogan she had talked to earlier returned.

"Follow me. All of you." He growled lowly. Shepard walked confidently to him, following him without any sign of fear. The rest fell in behind her, gaining strength from her.

* * *

The walk was long, and Shepard damn near strained her eyes taking in as much of her surroundings as she could. She looked for wires or security panels but found none. She memorized the hallways and turns they took through the slate gray walls and tiled floor. _Left turn, twenty paces, right turn_…

They were frequently passed by other krogan, all wearing the same symbol on their armor. Shepard stared as intently as she dared on these symbols trying to figure out what they meant, but so far she could not decipher them. Maybe it meant something in their native tongue. If so, Wrex made no move to translate.

Shepard was pleased to find that there were no stairs, and no elevators that she could see. Knowing the base was on a single level may be useful later if this turned into a fight for their lives, which she was beginning to expect.

But what were the krogan waiting for? They sure were going through a lot of trouble to lure her here. And still they hadn't killed her? What did they expect her to do? What did they want from her? And why was she so important that they dedicated such efforts into finding her? She couldn't think of anything she could've had done to piss the krogan off so bad.

They came to a fork in the hallway, one direction curving to the right, the other to the left. They took the right, as another shuffling krogan passed on their left and took the other way. After only a minute though, the hall that seemed to have split came together again after a turn, and they were walking beside this second krogan again.

_Brilliant planning, really. _She thought admittedly. _Makes it hard for the enemy to get past this point if you guard both sides. It would confuse the hell out of an unknowing victim. _

After a particularly long hike they finally arrived at a large set of doors. Shepard had seen many halls, rooms, and corridors bend and turn back on each other throughout their walk, but this particular entrance stood out. There were another set of krogan guards at this door, and light shone on each side.

Barely pausing, the krogan that had been leading them walked into the wide entrance, expecting Shepard to do the same as willingly as he had. She tentatively crossed the threshold, hearing the sound of ten other heavily clad feet follow her in. She just hoped she wasn't leading them to their deaths.

She took a moment to survey the room. It was larger than she suspected many of the others to be, and was covered in the same slate gray color on the walls and white tile. But most her attention was being diverted to the massive form that stood in front of her, which she could only assume must've been a krogan battlemaster. The creature's sheer size was staggering, and an aura of power rolled off of him. She did her best to not show any signs of intimidation.

"Commander Shepard." His voice came low, sick and rumbling. The lack of lighting in the room shadowed his face, but she had no doubt that it was scarred and deformed. He sounded pained when he spoke. "I was beginning to think you weren't coming."

She drew herself to full height and steadied her thoughts. "You have in your custody an Alliance soldier and his family. I am here to negotiate their release."

The krogan let out an oily laugh that turned into a cough. After a few moments he spoke again. "You must have learned by now that we have no intention of letting you walk out of here. Why should we listen to you? You are in no position to bargain."

"You already have me here, so there are only two things I can offer you." She replied strongly. "Money, and an easier target."

"You already are an easy target." He observed, tilting his head to the number of krogan in the room. There was one posted at least every five or ten feet lining the walls, and very little cover for her should she choose to fight him here. She counted seven in total, including the massive one.

"If you didn't think I would put up a good fight you would've killed me on sight. But instead you led me here, to the heart of your operations, where you knew I couldn't escape easily." She countered.

"Ha ha." He laughed. "True, you are still a spectre, and that in itself tells me you are both an intelligent strategist and a fierce fighter. But that still does not explain why I should do anything you ask."

Shepard felt the strong notion that her crew was watching her intently. "I'll give you thirty thousand credits if you let two of my men escort the hostages off of your territory and safely into Port Yarlon."

There came a whistle from one of the guards when she had mentioned the amount she was willing to pay. The massive krogan considered her for a long moment. He must've found no harm in her request.

"Agreed." He said, motioning for the one of the guards to come forward and instructing him to direct her crew to the prisoners.

"I want your word they will leave unharmed." She said sternly.

"You have my word, Shepard." The krogan growled, almost as if offended that she had doubted his honor. "Your people will leave here unharmed."

Shepard nodded. At least he was a _reasonable_ war-mongering money grubber. "Williams, Jones. Follow his man to the hostages and escort them to the ship."

"Yes, ma'am." The two said in unison, stepping forward to meet the guard.

"The transaction." The leader insisted when the three had left. Shepard nodded and brought up her omni tool, blaring orange in the dim light. She knew she could get a better look at the krogan now, but she didn't dare even glance at him. "It'll take me a bit to access my account." She said, buying herself some time.

As she signed into her extranet credit account she sent a message to Alenko's omni tool. She only hoped he would get it before the second phase of her plan. She made a great fuss about 'logging into her account' while she wrote. She encoded the message and made sure it was well sent when she looked up from her screen. "I need an account number to send the money to."

The massive krogan rambled off a long list of numbers and letters, and Shepard sent the thirty thousand credits to the specified account. When she announced she was finished she was forced to wait in anticipation for one of the guards to check their end to ensure the money had been sent. After a little while he looked up from his own tool and rumbled, "It's all there."

The massive krogan spoke with a smile in his voice that Shepard was kind of glad she couldn't see. "What you humans will do to protect your own." He sounded like he was trying to insult her.

_It's what makes us human. That's not a bad thing. _

"One more thing." She said calmly.

The krogan growled greedily. "Are you willing to pay as handsomely for this favor?"

"Better," She replied. "Sixty thousand credits if you take the human and quarian of my crew and force them to stay in the blast room until I am dead, in which case they are to be allowed to walk off the territory unharmed and free."

Her crew ceased their silence. "Blast what?" Tali asked.

"Shepard, no!" Kaidan hissed. _So he _had_ noticed_.

The krogan battlemaster laughed. "Why do you want your own men locked in my blast room?"

There was a long silence in which Shepard didn't answer him. She knew he would reach the conclusion on his own, just as Kaidan had done.

"You don't want them killed trying to save you." He finally answered. "I think you put too much into your companions loyalty."

"I'm not asking you to judge whether or not you think they would try something. I just want your word that they won't be able to."

"Shepard…" Kaidan's voice said tensely, but she didn't reply to him.

"Come on," Shepard pressed her opponent. "Sixty thousand, just to not kill them on accident or otherwise. You've already got me, what good are their deaths?" It was a risky play, she wasn't even sure yet what her death meant to this organization.

The leader of the group took less time deciding this answer. "Yes, yes, fine." He submitted.

Shepard paused her hand over her omni tool, silently demanding the words.

The giant released a slightly angry breath. "Shepard, your crew will be held in the blast room until the time of your death, and then escorted off the premises into the freedom of Port Yarlon."

Shepard nodded and began making the second transaction.

"Damn it, Shepard." Kaidan growled, bravely putting his hand on her arm.

"You don't have a choice." She said calmly, sounding empathetic, but not sorry. "It's an order."

"What about your krogan mercenary?" The leader growled, indicating Wrex. There was something in his voice that told her he had a particular hatred toward her comrade, but she didn't address it.

"He stays." She said, dropping her hand to her side again.

"Credits are in the account." The receiving krogan sounded. Two more guards came forward, putting their hands on the arms of both Tali and Alenko.

"Come on, let's go." The first one snarled.

"Shepard, don't do this!" Kaidan pleaded for the last time.

"And make sure they stay there!" She called after the guards. The thick doors closed behind them and Shepard and Wrex were alone with the group.

Thankfully, because she had ordered escorts to both groups of her companions, she had thinned their numbers. Now it was four against two. But the other four were krogan, and the leader a battlemaster. The fight would still be tough. Especially considering what her second phase of the plan was.

She turned to the leader.

"Alright Shepard, enough of your games; I'm not wasting anymore of my recourses for your favors."

"You were well paid." She reminded him coolly. "And I have some questions."

"I have no incentive to answer them." The creature said.

"Your numbers have thinned, and I'm still a spectre. I'm still dangerous."

"You're still out-numbered." He grumbled back.

"Then why are you afraid of her?" Wrex cut in. "Why haven't you killed her yet?"

The krogan stiffened at being called out.

Shepard didn't force him to reply. "For every answer you give I will hand over one of my weapons."

Every krogan in the room looked at her as if she were an idiot. But she was buying the others time, as well as herself, and lulling the enemy into a false sense of security.

The battlemaster almost cackled, forcing himself into another coughing bout. "Fine, ask your pointless questions." He said when he'd finished coughing. "We've got all the time in the world now."

"What's your name?" She asked firmly. She felt the tension in the room thicken on all sides as all the bystanders wondered if he was going to answer.

"I guess there is no harm in telling you, since you will not live to repeat it." He said after considering her for a long time. "It's Karx."

She hadn't really cared what his name was, especially since she was hoping he'd be dead soon anyway. She had really just wanted to see if her plan was working. He had told her what she wanted to know nonchalantly, confidently, and arrogantly. He was so sure that his plan had worked, which in turn, meant that her plan was working.

It was a somewhat irrelevant answer so she gave up her currently irrelevant weapons. She wouldn't be able to use her grenades in such close proximity to her target anyway. She clipped them off her belt and rolled them along the floor to his feet. She moved as slowly as she dared without raising suspicion. She didn't know how long it would take for Alenko to get his message, read it, and then decode it. Every moment she could buy them was precious.

"What happened to you?" She asked, testing how personal he was willing to get. There was no doubt to what it was she was referring, and the room tensed again as the others in the room were shocked by her bluntness.

The great krogan growled loudly, then lit up in blue light, revealing to her the useful information that he was a biotic, but it was what the light showed her that coaxed her into an involuntary gasp.

The whole right side of his face was charred black, the eye missing, a dark void of ash and dust in its place. A spider web of red cracks and blood vessels split the rest of his scaly hide, creeping up is head-shell and down his neck. The sight was gruesome.

"An explosion." He snarled venomously, stepping closer to her, using what little fear she had allowed escape. "On Virmire."

The puzzle clicked in her head. Without commenting, she slid her concealed knife out of its spot on her thigh and placed it in his hand in reward for his answer, never taking her eyes from his face.

"And why do you want me dead?" She asked her final question, determined. She had just discovered the answer, but she wanted to hear him say it.

"You destroyed our only hope for a cure for the genophage! You are just as bad as the very salarians who designed it!" He was yelling in her face now, backing her into the wall.

"_You_ have condemned our people to extinction." He spoke with such conviction, such anger that she felt it permeate the air.

_Of course_. Destroying the cure had pitted even Wrex against her. It was the only thing that deemed her worthy of all these preparations for her death. And since the work on Virmire was classified, it would have to be someone who survived the blast that could put all this in motion.

"Now you know everything, Shepard. And I am sick of your games; I am ready to end this."

For a split second Shepard met the gaze of his one eye. In that single moment, she almost called off the plan, but he was moments from plunging her own knife into her chest.

"Wrex! Now!" She bellowed.

Wrex lit up in his own corona with such speed that it suggested he had been waiting for her mark for a long time. He _pushed_ Karx away from her and slammed him into the far wall. It bought her enough time to whip out her shotgun from behind her back and start firing.

Soon her shotgun blasts were joined with Wrex's as they riddled two of the guards with slugs. They had been so caught in the exchange between Karx and Shepard that it had slowed their reaction time. In unison, they turn to the third guard, who had been a little faster at piecing together what had happened. This krogan flashed in white for a split second and Shepard recognized he'd enforced is armor in that moment. She silently cursed. As if krogan weren't hard enough to kill.

Then she noticed Karx getting to his feet.

"Wrex! Take down the guard, I've got Karx."

Wrex growled his understanding as he threw up a biotic barrier. Shepard turned to face her opponent only to find he was already upon her. He rammed his forearm across her chest and pinned her into the wall behind her. He crushed her underneath raw brute strength and Shepard felt the air press out of her lungs. She gasped for oxygen but he pressed harder, moving his arm to grind her bones into the wall. She heard, as much as she felt, an unpleasant crack and the grate of bone on bone as he pounded her shoulder into the wall.

She yelled as pain seared through her right shoulder and down her torso. The pain lit up her whole right side and she yelled out again as he repeated the motion.

Her left arm still had some swinging distance. She glanced to her left; she was near a crate with some kind of equipment case on top. She hoped that it was something heavy inside as she squirmed to reach it.

Karx snarled and growled as he continued to crush her into the wall, however in his effort to further injure her shoulder he was moving his arm slightly enough to allow her to reach the case. Her gloved fingers closed tightly around the handle, and then with a tight breath she lobbed it toward his head. There was a sickening sound of leathery crusted skin as he was sent careening away from her, gripping his charcoaled face.

She had a moment to either bend down and pick up her dropped shotgun or reach for one of her other weapons, but before she could decide he had his own aimed at her.

There was hatred and a demented gleam in his eye when he realized he had her. Shepard closed her eyes, knowing he was going to shoot, there was a loud band and her eyes shot open, waiting for the pain that was about to come to her. But there was none. Karx slumped down and fell face first onto the tile, blood pooling around his body. Wrex stood where he had, his gun showing evidence of the kill.

Wrex stepped closer to the body a released another round into it.

"Are you alright?" Wrex asked, picking up her shotgun and handing it to her.

She nodded and got her bearings, surveying the room. The white tile was now brown and red, and the stench of death wafted in the air.

"Come on," She said. "It's only a matter of time before the others realized what's happened."

She crossed the room to pick up her grenades and knife, replacing them both on and in her armor, before heading for the door.

* * *

**Kaidan**

Kaidan huffed loudly as he slumped back onto a crate in the blast room. "Damn her."

"Come on, Lieutenant." Tali offered. "She must have a plan."

"Some plan." He grumped. What was she thinking? That wasn't the plan she had told him.

The blast room. She must've been forming this whole thing since she had recognized the additional problem.

When he had been bent over the equipment case he had used his omni tool to increase the range on his voice receptors. He had easily overheard her conversation with Wrex. When she mentioned she hoped the others hadn't noticed he had assumed she'd meant Williams and Jones. But it seems she was forming her plan against him as well.

So here he was, helpless and unable to aid her. He wondered what was happening right now. Was she even alive anymore?

A harsh vice clenched his heart. No, she was still alive. He knew it. She had to be.

"Lieutenant, your omni tool is beeping." Tali observed coming to stand beside him.

"What?" He asked lamely, pulling out the tool with a confused scowl. He looked at the amber screen; sure enough he was receiving a message. From Shepard.

"It's from the commander." He relayed, already opening it.

His eyes briefly flicked to the three krogan in the room; the one that had escorted them and the two that had been guarding the door. They didn't seem to take any notice of them. If he talked quietly they probably wouldn't even recognize he'd said anything.

"What does it say?" Tali asked, lowering her own synthesized voice.

The message was a mess, an utter disaster of numbers and symbols. "It's encrypted." He breathed, searching through his decryption programs quickly to one Shepard had shared with him among one of their adventures in the traverse.

Wasn't it just like a girlfriend to send him mixed messages? He silently laughed at his own lame joke. Shepard didn't really hint and dawdle around. He loved that about her.

The program quickly replaced the nonsense digits and letters with words he recognized. He squinted into the orange tool, reading as quickly as his mind would permit him.

_Lieutenant,_

_Once shut inside the blast room, take out the guards. Hopefully there won't be too many. The thickness of the walls should keep most sound from escaping them. _

_I'll comm you when you can enter again. Wrex and I will meet you in the middle of the base. If for some reason there are too many guards in the room and you aren't sure you can take them, don't risk it. Wrex and I will get to you. _

_If you don't hear from me within twenty minutes, it's too late for me. Turn around and walk out. Please. I love you._

_Shepard_

Kaidan tried not to get hung up on the words that implied she knew very well she may die. He looked up at Tali.

"Tal, you think we can take these ones out?" He whispered, putting the tool away and readying his hand discreetly on his pistol.

"If you can stasis one I think we got it." She replied, looking over shoulder at the group.

"Okay," He nodded. "I don't think we have much time. She should contact us any moment now."

Tali nodded. "Ready when you are, Lieutenant."

"Alright. One… Two… Three!"

He yelled the last number as Tali blasted her pistol crazily to scatter the enemy. Alenko narrowed his eyes on the one in the middle and focused while dark energy gathered around him. He felt the hum of his implant as he threw his arm forward, locking his victim in stasis. The armor of the one on his right exploded from Tali's overload, and they rounded on the remaining two, taking down the one with ability to shoot back first. The third could only stay locked in position while they pelted him with bullets.

They had just stopped firing when they heard the door behind them open. They both jumped and turned on the intruder as the form stepped into the dark room. Their eyes had to adjust and it bought their enemy time.

"Whoa, whoa, it's just me." Sarah said, stepping through the door with her hands in the air, her assault rifle pointed upwards.

"How… h-how did you?" Alenko began, shocked to see her alone and in one piece.

"I sent Jones back with the civilians. And sniper rifles rock." She said easily, shrugging.

"Glad to see you." Alenko said standing and looking around the room. "It's just about to get fun. Shepard should be-"

"Alenko!" A stern female voice exploded in his helmet and he couldn't help but smile.

"On our way, ma'am." He said, moving towards the door.

"I'm heading straight towards you. Go the way we came through the first time, do you remember? Don't take any detours. We'll meet up and then clear them out, top to bottom." Her voice was breathy, she was already in combat.

"We're coming Commander, sit tight." He said, glad that she'd made it okay. He was sure it was going to make for an interesting story later.

"Alright, let's move out." He ordered his team, Tali and Williams falling in behind him.


	9. Change Your Mind

**Chapter IX: Change Your Mind**

"_Out again, a siren screams at half past ten,_

_And you won't let go._

_While I ignore, that we've both felt like this_

_Before, it starts to show."_

_-Change Your Mind,_ the Killers

**Kaidan**

Kaidan, Tali, and Sarah were fast moving, each of them using their abilities to make easy work through the hallways. Kaidan took special care in not detouring to clear out other rooms. The krogan would either find them eventually or stay where they were, either way they were scattered, and once the teams met up they could begin a methodical and organized sweep. Staying to the main corridors it didn't take them long to reach Shepard and Wrex, who had been moving even quicker, and in fact had covered three fourths of the distance between them.

"Okay," Shepard said when they disposed of the group separating them and met in the hall. "Front to back, or back to front? Any preferences?"

"Most of the front is already cleared, ma'am." Alenko explained. She raised her eyebrows at him.

"I said no detours." She said simply, a little confused.

"Yeah, you told _me_ no detours." He smiled and then inclined his head to Sarah. What the girl had pulled off was impressive, and Shepard herself seemed a little surprised. Then her face opened into a proud grin.

"Welcome to the team, Sarah." She said before turning to the rest of the group. "Alright, we'll work this point towards the back then. Let's go."

Kaidan's adrenaline was pumping through him. It was exciting to be in the field again, and he felt a lot better now that he was with Shepard and he could have a little control over what happened to her. Quickly the group moved through the corridors, heading for the far back of the building.

It was strangely calm among the chaos. The chemistry in the team shone brightly. Directions rarely even had to be given, it was like they all knew their roles and were very good at them. Alenko and Wrex would use their biotics to knock the targets prone, either in the air or on the ground, Tali kept taking out any technical advantages their opponents may possess, and Shepard and Sarah were intense machines of fire power. The krogan just kept coming, but they were always dealt with. Rooms were cleared in minutes, and soon they had passed the meeting room.

It was a few turns after that when they came across their first real T in the hallway. Kaidan watched as Shepard checked around the corner and then walked into the intersection, looking down both ways. Silently she brought her hands to her face, gesturing in marine hand code. It was slightly abridged so that Tali and Wrex could understand, but it was just as efficient. She pointed to him_,_ Wrex and Tali and motioned that they should go down the right hallway, and that she and Sarah would take the left. Then she indicated that they should meet back in the meeting room once their areas were cleared.

He nodded silently and padded quietly down his hallway. Tali's envirosuit made very little noise, and no one would think twice of hearing Krogan feet thumping through the halls. At the turn at the far end, Kaidan looked back in time to see Shepard and Sarah disappear around their corner. It was scary, but for just a second, Kaidan glanced at Sarah, and felt the familiar sense of companionship he had once felt with Ashley around. It was almost overwhelming, and he shook the odd feeling off before continuing down his own pathway.

* * *

**Shepard**

Shepard and Sarah stalked down their own hallway with deadly silence. Shepard was beginning to see a pattern in the building design, for she began predicting when rooms and hallways would appear, end, and split. Already she had suspected that after the next turn the hallway was going to open into a room, continuing on the other side. When she neared the corner, Shepard balled her hand into a fist, signaling Sarah to stop behind her. Cautiously, Shepard pressed her back against the wall of the hallway and leaned out and around the corner. They had been absolutely noiseless, and the group of krogan in the room didn't know they were present yet. There were three, for now. More than once so far reinforcements had arrived in the middle of the crossfire. If she wanted to clear this room with little resistance she would have to do it now.

Shepard leaned back around the corner, signaling to Williams that she was going to use a grenade, and then the two should press down the remaining bit of hallway and get into the room and find cover as quickly as possible. After a nod from Sarah, Shepard motioned her counts out. On two she armed the grenade_,_ and on three she threw it.

Instead of waiting for the explosion Shepard jumped out of hiding, pistol ready for closer combat as Sarah followed quickly behind her with her shotgun. The two barreled down the hall firing, the grenade releasing a satisfying blast, taking out one krogan and injuring the other two.

Once inside, Shepard ducked behind a lone desk while Sarah squatted on the other side of the room, a little farther back, behind a very large set of equipment lockers.

Firing continuously Shepard gunned down the first fighter with excessive plasma. From her position, she could see a little farther into the hallway behind the remaining krogan. More were coming, some three or four more.

But Sarah couldn't see them from her angle, and Shepard watched in horror as Sarah hopped over the top of the lockers to blast the "last" one with a lethal shotgun. Shepard saw one of the incoming krogan push the activation button on a grenade.

_Oh shit._

Without so much as a second of thought Shepard switched her pistol hand giving herself a shield boost in the process. She leapt out of her own cover, using the inaccuracy of her left hand to shoot wildly at the group of krogan to prevent them from getting a good mark on her while reaching out her right arm to Sarah. She ran straight towards the teen, lashing her around Sarah's stomach and throwing them both back behind the cover of the lockers with a grunt. Knowing the grenade was sure to follow, or possibly already plastered to the other side of the heavy equipment lockers, she rolled herself and Sarah directly behind them, then laid herself over Sarah's body in case the blast got through.

The whole thing took a matter of seconds, and there was an earsplitting boom on the other side of the lockers. Shepard pushed herself off of Sarah and pressed her back against the wall the containers provided.

"Shepard, what was that? I heard that blast over the comm, are you alright?" Kaidan's voice came over her helmet.

"Yeah, we're okay. Just keep moving." Shepard turned to Sarah. "You alright?"

Sarah nodded, wide eyed. "I j-just… I-I didn't see-"

"Its okay, Williams. You thought there was only one left, and the adrenaline-"

"I know." Sarah said, looking guilty. "But you're not supposed to leave cover until after the last one is down."

Shepard reloaded her gun while she heard the rustling of the enemy taking position somewhere behind her. Shepard's primitive predatory instincts took control, and like an odd "off switch" all the excess noise was hushed into absolute silence and all she could hear was her own breathing. And then there it was; a deft, subtle, tiny click of another prepped grenade. On intuition and gut, Shepard arched her back to peek around the lockers; she could see the swirling metallic mini bomb leave the krogan's massive hand.

Shepard grabbed Sarah by the shoulder and led her into a dive back out of the room. She crawled around the corner, Sarah next to her. They had been forced out of the room, and Shepard hated losing ground. In retaliation Shepard hit the activation button on her own grenade and chucked it at the reptiles, ducking back behind the lip of the doorway in time to hear one of the warriors speak. Apparently the two women had been blocked enough from the group that the krogan hadn't seen her and Sarah move out.

"Catch that, bitch- OH SHIT!" _Ka-boom._

She waited a few moments, listening to any movement. It seemed mostly silent, except for an odd shuffling that suggested one was still alive, if injured. She rolled out of cover and from the ground shot the lumbering and wounded krogan till he fell with a great thud.

She released a breath and pushed herself up from the ground, walked quickly to Sarah, and offered the woman her hand to help haul her to her feet.

They pressed forward as soon as it was concluded neither was seriously hurt. They took down two krogan in the hallway, and just as Shepard predicted, the halls turned into another T. She guessed that one led through a whole other series of halls and rooms, but they must be reaching the very back of the base by now. The other hallways she supposed would lead to a similar barracks to one they had already encountered, if it their previous encounters were any idication. That was probably where the reinforcements had come from, and they were probably mostly empty now.

"Left or right?" Sarah asked breathing heavy.

"You take right, I'll take left." Shepard said, giving Sarah the easy route to the chambers, which were most likely near empty. "When its cleared, go back to the meeting room and wait with the others, I'll be along shortly."

Sarah nodded in agreement and turned down her own path.

"And Williams!" Shepard called after her. "Be careful."

"Yes, ma'am." The woman said. "You too."

Shepard turned down her own path, and stepped quickly over the tiles.

* * *

**Kaidan**

Kaidan stood in the meeting room some time later, turning over the bodies with the toe of his boot. "Boy, would I like to know what went down in here."

Wrex laughed. "I could tell you, but you probably wouldn't believe me. You'll have to hear it from the commander."

Tali was kneeling over the largest of the krogan group and examining the body.

"Something happened to this one." Her metallic voice said, motioning Kaidan over. There was a black and grotesque covering of burnt skin across his face, and he only had one eye.

"He was like that before we got here." Wrex said, coming over to them in heavy steps. "Souvenir from Virmire."

Kaidan nearly strained his eyes as they shot up to Wrex. "From _what_?" His voice sounded more shocked then he meant to, but there was no need to recover as the doors to the room slid open and Sarah stepped through. She had blood on her armor, but in a way that suggested none of it was hers.

The doors closed behind her, and Shepard wasn't with her.

"Where's the commander?" It was the first thing out of his mouth, despite how hard he'd tried to keep the worry out of his voice.

"She's not here yet?" Sarah asked, sounding a little concerned herself. "We had to split up, she told me to meet her back here." She explained. She looked so tired Kaidan didn't badger her farther.

His hand flew to the comm button on the side of his helmet. "Commander, are you alright? What's going on?"

"I'm fine." Her voice sounded hushed, like she was hiding or stalking something. She was busy, but not hurt. Thank God. "I think I've found the back section of this base. Get to the blast room, all of you. I'll meet you there."

"Yes, ma'am." Kaidan said, clicking off the comm. However, in that same breath he added to the rest of crew. "Go ahead, head for the blast room. I'm going to catch up to Commander Shepard."

"Lieutenant-" Tali began to argue with him on Shepard's behalf but he just shook his head.

"Please, just go. I'll make sure we both get there safely."

They all exited the room, most heading down the main hall, him veering to the right.

"Hey, LT. When you get to the T, the Skipper went left."

"Thanks Sarah. I'll just follow the blood trail."

* * *

Turns out, following the blood trail was easy enough to do. He nearly jogged through that place without as much as a single confrontation. And his way was lit in blood as if there were flashing red arrows guiding him through the winding halls. By the time he had gone long past the T, he really was jogging, and not really taking care to be quiet.

He was entirely caught off guard when he passed through the next doorway into a room and felt a hand snatch the front of his light armor. Before he could see his attacker he was being swung around with great force from the doorway to the very wall the door was in. His back hit the building with a thud, and the hand moved from his chest to his mouth suppressing his yell. He was literally scared and was cursing himself for being so stupid and careless when he got a look at his attacker.

Shepard stood in front of him, her fierce eyes glowing, and a finger to her lips.

When he released a sigh of relief she removed her hand from over his mouth. She grabbed her pistol and nodded with her head to the other corner where a second doorway like the first led into yet another room.

He couldn't help admire her smooth movements as she crept stealthily to the other wall next to the door and crouched down with no din whatsoever. She motioned for him to take place behind a crate that was conveniently placed in the area, allowing him to look down the hallway into the adjoining room and still have cover.

As quietly as he could he moved to the crate- some kind of storage container.

Understanding Shepard's intentions in an uncanny way, he concentrated his energy until his implant hummed in anticipation, waiting for her signal. She shot into the ceiling, tricking the group of krogan in the room to come to investigate. When they were halfway down the hallway Kaidan _threw_ them back, disrupting most of their shields in the process. As a few tried to advance again he created a warp hole for good measure while Shepard pelted the group with bullets. There must've been five or six, but two continued charging down the hallway towards them.

They looked like they were heading for him, his aura basically painting a target on his chest, but Shepard slipped back from the wall a little bit to get better aim and stood, shooting repeatedly into the first one.

He kept firing as well as he watched the two light up in a white light briefly, increasing their pain tolerance and allowing their shields to reform. He heard the hiss of Shepard's shields take hits, her being so much closer to their fire. His shields were still on full power but in general his armor – designed for biotics – provided less protection than hers.

Just as he and Shepard would've done, the two krogan each targeted one of them, his own opponent lighting up in his own blue flare on the way towards him. Kaidan might've had enough power to keep his enemy immobile long enough to wear down his armor and shields but it would exhaust him.

He _lifted_ the beast into the air, firing repeatedly into the massive form. In his attack he got a glance at Shepard. She had backed up calmly, walking, firing again and again and again into her own krogan, but he just snarled behind his bared teeth and kept advancing towards her. Kaidan heard the annoying beep that meant Shepard's weapon had overheated, and cursed that he couldn't do more to help her as he was busy enough with his own problem. When his opponent had landed he threw him into a stasis, and continued his seemingly ineffective assault.

He caught a glimpse of Shepard throwing her useless weapon with impressive force at the krogan's head. He growled in pain for a moment, but then continued to advance on her. Kaidan watched the krogan move towards her, and wondered briefly why the brute hadn't drawn his weapons yet.

Before Kaidan could see anything more his target finally broke the stasis and cast his own. Kaidan just barely released the killing bullet when the krogan's stasis caught him. His opponent was dead, but now Shepard was still in danger, and there was nothing he could do but watch.

He saw Shepard ready herself in some kind of defense stance and finally saw what Shepard must've already understood. There were few krogans still that preferred to kill their targets with their own hands. They found it more honorable somehow. Like using brute force, strength and size could really compete with a really good weapon. Unfortunately, really good weapons still overheat, and Shepard didn't have the time to reach for one of her other guns.

Knowing the monster could do incredible damage with his species' oversized muscles, Kaidan held his breath at the krogan swung. Then he watched Shepard block the krogan's arm with her own and followed through with a kick that actually managed to hit the krogan's jaw. Blood dribble from his mouth, but he didn't turn away.

Shepard tried to kick him again, but this time he was expecting her and caught her foot, using her own momentum against her, he twisted her, threw her into the air, and she landed a few feet away, groaning in pain. Judging by the way she was clutching her shoulder, Kaidan would guess it wasn't the first injury that shoulder had sustained today.

His concern was soon consumed by anger for the krogan that hurt her, and fear for her life, while he still couldn't break the stasis. In all reality only seconds had passed, but being locked in place while she rolled in pain on the floor made each one feel like hours.

Kaidan watched in horror as the brutish figure continued to tromp towards her, and the urge to yell for her made his chest hurt. When the krogan went to punch her again she moved out of the way just in time, and when he brought up his massive arm again she gripped on to it, letting him pull her up and to her feet.

Before the krogan realized that she had stood she delivered her own punch, which collided with his scaly cheek, but didn't slow him much. His next hit was cheap, as he backhanded her, the force spinning her until she collided with wall behind her, and she began to collapse under the force. Not many people could take a hit from a full grown krogan and still draw breath, but thankfully her helmet blocked most of the attack. Still, she slumped down the wall, her hand going to the lower part of her face that had been exposed between the visor and chin guard, wiping away the trickle of blood that had formed on her lip with the back of her gloved hand. Alenko could almost feel the headache she must have endure from sustaining such a blow of force.

Kaidan tried to yell for her again but the words would not leave his throat. She propped herself up against the wall with one arm trying to stand to full height again, only to have the krogan punch her in the stomach. She had moved, but he still caught the side of her torso, and a painful groan escaped her lips as she bent over clutching her abdomen.

Kaidan felt himself nearly burst with helplessness as he watched the krogan begin to pin her down quickly, trying to crush her under his weight. Finally after what seemed like two minutes too long the stasis field fell from Kaidan's body, and he ducked quickly behind the nearest crate, hoping the enemy hadn't seen him move. If he could just get to an angle at which he could shoot and not risk hitting Shepard…

The krogan released an awful, evil, mocking laugh that left Kaidan's stomach churning with nausea.

Shepard was a talented fighter, but she couldn't compete with the raw force of a krogan.

Kaidan tried again and again to gather enough dark energy to push the krogan away from her and take his shot, but he had spent so much in his last fight that he didn't have any power left. He felt exhausted.

Then he saw movement in Shepard's hand. Her fingers lay next to her right thigh, where he knew she usually hid her knife. She was still fighting.

The krogan hadn't seen it though. He thought she was dead. He bent over, and with one hand turned her over to look at her.

Shepard's movement was so fast, Kaidan didn't really see it. One second the krogan was leaning over her, the next he was on the ground with the knife sticking in at the base of his neck.

The Krogan was still coughing and sputtering to his death when Kaidan jumped out of his crouch and ran to help Shepard.

She sat back against the wall, her head tilted back while blood dripped slowly down the right of her mouth. Thankfully her helmet had protected her from anything more serious.

"Shepard, are you alright?" He asked dropping to his knees next to her and taking some medigel out of his own supply.

She didn't move but her mouth opened and she began to laugh. Slowly, carefully at first until she was forced to take a breath and the movement of her ribcage made her grimace.

"Krogan bastard." She said finally, using a little bit of energy to kick the body at her feet.

She winced and took another sharp breath when he carefully dabbed medigel to the cut along her busted lip. He should have let her do it, but he hadn't thought about it. He felt for a second while he carefully touched the gel to her lips that they were stealing an intimate moment they shouldn't have had. A guilty feeling washed over him and he looked to her eyes, only to find her own looking back at him.

For a moment he forgot what he was doing, and just got lost in the intensity of their moment. Her bright eyes froze him in another kind of stasis. She seemed to lose herself for a moment too and he felt her catch the fingertips lingering over her lips in her hand and kiss them. He hadn't really felt it through his armor, but the action had served its purpose and they both shook themselves out of whatever trance they had been captured in.

"Don't ever let me do that again." Shepard ordered. She could have been referring to anything, but Kaidan knew she was talking about the two seconds she had allowed herself to steal.

"Yes ma'am. If you don't let me…" What? Apply medigel? _Jesus, Alenko control yourself._

"Forget it. It's my responsibility." She said, pushing herself up and retrieving her knife and her pistol from the floor. She sounded frustrated, and again Kaidan was reminded of their confrontation on the way to the base. He felt a mixture of his own anger and guilt as he watched her storm through the room. "Come on. We've got a little ways to go and then we can get back."

"Yes, ma'am." He said, and followed the woman. Just like he said he always would.

* * *

**Shepard**

Shepard had been pleased, but not surprised to find that Kaidan had chosen to come after her. Though she would never admit it because it sounded incriminating, she always felt a little more comfortable fighting beside Kaidan. It probably had more to do with the fact that she had had him at her side ever since their first mission on Eden Prime. She trusted him, and they had an unexplainable understanding of each other that allowed them to maneuver and fight smoothly, with deadly skill, without so much as a single word between them. They just worked well together.

Still, she tried to get him out of her head. They were getting distracted too easily, and next time it could cost them their lives. _Why did I let him do that… why did I kiss him? Come on Shepard, you're smarter than that bullshit._ She was angry with herself more than him. He would do whatever she asked, she knew that.

She refused to let herself dwell on it any longer here. They already had plenty to discuss once back on the _Normandy_, what with his little stunt on the way here. She refocused her energy and thoughts back where they should be… on the mission.

However, because they did work well together it was within fifteen minutes that they had finally reached the very back of the base.

She crouched down behind the lip of a doorway, and looked down the last hallway to a large room. The room appeared to be some kind of office. There was a large digital clock on the back wall with glowing green numbers, and large storage-looking devices along the back wall. In front of the wall stood four remaining krogan. Shepard smiled to herself as she imagined the thoughts of revenge they must have been feeling, the anger they might feel that she had so easily pressed through the rest of their defenses.

She knew that Kaidan had used a lot of his biotic energy in the last fight, and was most likely exhausted. There were only four, the last four, and so she switched to her shotgun, reactivated her shield boost, and charged into the last room.

Kaidan stormed in as well, firing his weapon at the group. Her shields hissed as the opponents bullets whizzed by, but she was already on top of them. Her gun gave a resounding great burst of power when she fired, and it was like shooting ducks at the fair.

Boom. One down.

Boom. Two.

Boom. Three down.

The three consecutive shots threw the powerful weapon into overheat, but Kaidan's pistol rang through the third one. When the krogan fell, he stopped firing, as if he had known she would want the last one alive. Which, given their battlefield connection wasn't shocking really.

Without glancing at her partner, Shepard locked her shotgun back in place and walked forcefully to the krogan. She knelt beside the beast and grabbed the ring of armor around his neck violently, bringing his dinosaur-like face to hers.

"How many know?! How many more will come!?" She demanded her answers, shaking him a bit. He was twice her size, but she knew presence was the key to intimidation. "How many more know about Virmire!?"

The Krogan sputtered and coughed. "None of us know anything about Virmire. All we know was that it was Karx's motive for joining, and we didn't ask him about it." The krogan coughed up some blood, but Shepard didn't move away.

"Joining? Join what? Why are you here!?"

The dying krogan grinned. "Why are krogan anywhere?"

Shepard shook him again to remind him she wasn't joking. "Who hired you!?"

"Why should I tell you? I'm going to die here anyway." The krogan laughed at her situation until he began coughing again. He was mocking her and she wasn't in the mood. So she tried a more compromising approach.

"If you tell me what I want to know, I'll get you out of here and give you medical attention. You'll stand trial, but you'll live."

"You'll never get out of here in time." He grumbled lowly.

"What do you mean?" She said scanning his face as if the answers were written along the ridge of scales.

And then it hit her like a reaper. The blast room; that was why the krogan hadn't bothered taking her weapons, even if she had managed to kill Karx, who had obviously been running the show, krogan always had a contingency plan. They were going to blow the place up! How could she have been so stupid? Had she really been so naïve as to believe the krogan would just "forget" to take her weapons?

No, in letting her and her crew keep them, the krogan had achieved what she had attempted to achieve by giving them up to Karx: lull the opponent into a false sense of security. And it worked. She had fallen for it. All of a sudden fury pulsed through her veins.

"Uh, Commander…" Kaidan started, but she was too angry with herself to answer him.

"Damn it, Krogan! Tell me where the bomb is! How can I turn it off!?" She shook him again, a little more vigorously then intended, and she hit his head on the tiled floor.

"Um… Commander?!" She was paying close attention to her victim, and ignored Kaidan's comments.

The krogan laughed in her face. "You'll never turn it off. Its voice activated, and you already killed the krogan who initiated it."

"Commander!" Kaidan yelled.

"Damn it, what!?" She demanded, tired of being interrupted

"Commander, the numbers on that wall are going down." He said, pointing to the clock she had seen earlier.

"What?" she asked, although she had heard him just fine. She looked up at the glowing green numbers.

The clock read 5:05… and a second later, 5:04. She watched in horror as she realized what she was seeing. On a second examination of the storage devices she realized they were all bomb components, wired together and disguised as cabinets. And that wall was covered in them. 4:58. They had less than five minutes to get the hell out of there.

_Oh shit._

"RUN!" She screamed at Kaidan, leaping up from the floor and hopping over the krogan, to sprint alongside the lieutenant. "Go! Move, move, move!"

The two fled the room together, matching stride for stride as fear gripped her mind. She hit the comm link on the side of her helmet.

"TALI!" She shouted through it, knowing she very well may have shocked the poor quarian in to cardiac arrest. "Are you in the blast room?!"

"Yes, isn't that where we were supposed to meet you?" Tali's voice sounded nervous.

Shepard grunted as she leapt over a body in her path. "Yes Tali!" She yelled desperately. "Stay there, seal the back door, we're on our way. If we aren't there in four minutes seal the second set, this whole place is going to blow!"

_Damn the krogan and their suicidal contingency plans!_

This time when Shepard tried to hop over a body it caught her toe, and she damn near fell, but Kaidan caught her arm, steadying her by her waist with his other hand, and they set off again.

"Yes, Commander." Tali said shortly. Shepard took her hand off the link and focused on running. They nearly collided at the sharp turns and obstacles, but they always stayed together, catching each other and pressing each other forward.

"Go, Kaidan, go!" she urged him, stressing her legs to go that much faster. She wasn't sure they could even get there in time. It had taken her nearly thirty minutes clearing this area and she couldn't really remember how large it was.

Her muscles screamed. She became painfully aware of all the injuries she had already endured that day. As her arms pumped, the shoulder Karx had crushed groaned and protested in sharp pain. The side of her stomach where her punching friend had nailed her left her nearly doubled over in pain again.

She knew Kaidan must've been absolutely spent as well. He could only use so much of his power before collapsing, she'd seen it once on the citadel. She worried for him, but none of that mattered if they didn't make it out of there in time.

The pain in her side grew until she thought it would consume her. Her vision darkened, and she felt like she was going to faint. Then she felt a strong grip grab onto her own hand, bringing her back to the task.

"Come on soldier, keep moving." He encouraged her. She would have to reward him for that later.

She knew they were running out of time. They hit a particular bloody and sharp turn that had them both skidding and sliding to steady themselves, but again they were off, hand in hand. The sheer dire fate of their situation moved her body so fast she felt like her feet were barely touching the floor. A few minutes later she began to recognize her surroundings. They were maybe two turns away from the blast room. But just how long had it been? Maybe the team had already sealed the doors. It had to have been at least four minutes. Any second Shepard expected herself to be engulfed in flame and heat. They turned the last corner, and she gained her last few sprints from Kaidan's encouragement. At the end of the hall the doors stood open, Sarah standing to the side of them, waving them in, yelling for them to hurry!

Somewhere in her being Shepard sensed the clock stop counting down and the bombs blast. The sound, fire, and wave of force would not catch up to them for maybe a second. In that one moment simultaneously, Shepard felt Kaidan's arm wrap tightly around her waist and he jumped the last few feet, throwing them both into the room. Sarah hit the button for the doors to close, and on the other side of the room, Wrex hit the seal button.

Shepard had a feeling the seal wasn't totally in place yet when the earsplitting boom swallowed all other sound. And then the force wave came. She and Kaidan had still been in the air when it hit. They were both thrown across the room to the other wall like dolls. Kaidan hit first, having made the initial leap, and she heard his body make an unsettling sound as his back slammed against the wall. Unable to control her own movement, she slammed into his chest and fell into his lap, both of them gasping for breath and groaning in pain.

The others, who had been standing before were now lying on the floor, even Wrex, a few feet from where they had been initially, but their movement let her know they were all okay. Her legs trembled, and she felt darkness cloud her vision once more. As if knowing that they had all made it was all her mind needed to know before consenting to blackout, Shepard was succumbed to the feeling, and passed out.

* * *

**Kaidan**

A loud rumbling of ruptured cement and crushed metal bore into Kaidan's ears. For a moment that seemed to last excessively long he tried to block out the brain numbing sound as he held tightly to Shepard's body. She had landed on top of him during the blast, and he wasn't about to let go now. The room shook and vibrated while the base around them collapsed. The lights flickered and buzzed and then were out. He felt immense heat, but it wasn't enough to burn his skin. When finally the world stopped crashing down around him and all went quiet, he could finally focus on their condition. Holding Shepard to him with one arm he lifted his other hand to his helmet, flicking on a mini light attached to the hood.

It was then he realized Shepard hadn't been fighting to get away from him yet. He looked down, the light falling across her face. She wasn't moving. He very gently took off her helmet, and his glove, putting his bare hand to her neck. He released a giant sigh of relief when he found a pulse.

Finally assured that they had both survived he took his own helmet off and leaned his head back on the wall. There was a screaming pain in his back, like maybe it had gotten thrown out on impact but he ignored it.

"Everyone okay?" He asked to the darkness, still holding on to Shepard.

"Yeah." Came a female groan. He heard shuffling, and then he saw light coming from a corner he couldn't see over the crate that had landed next to him in the blast. But he guessed Sarah was crawling to her feet, flicking on the flashlight of her own helmet.

"Takes more than that to take me out." A rumbled voice said, heavy footsteps making their way towards the human voices.

"Tali?" Kaidan asked, still not moving.

"I'm here." It sounded close. She probably could see him from behind her mask, but he couldn't make out her dark suit in the lack of light.

"Where's the commander?" Sarah asked, her voice getting closer.

"I've got her." He said, looking down at her and squeezing her for a moment. "She's right here."

Sarah came out from behind the crate and he could see her walk towards him. She kneeled in front of him, using the light to get a better look. "She alright?"

"Yeah." He said. "Just unconscious. She took quite a beating in the end there, I wasn't sure she had that last run left in her." He smiled admiringly at Shepard and then nodded to Sarah.

"Comm Joker. Tell him to pick up Jones, arrange for a fifth fleet cruiser to pick up the hostages, and then come pick us up. I have a feeling we're going to need the crew to help dig us out of here." _Let's hope we can get out a signal through these walls._

"Yes, sir." She answered, walking off a few feet to have her conversation with Joker. Her alto voice was calming, and Kaidan leaned back on the wall once more and closed his eyes. Then he felt stirring in his arms.

Shepard groaned and winced in pain in his lap, her hand going to her head as she tried to sit up.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. That wasn't the most graceful landing you've pulled off." He teased.

She grumbled. "Get Joker-"

"Already taken care of, Commander." He cut her off, trying to get her to relax.

"I need to move." She said struggling to get free of him.

"Shepard, don't you think-"

"Let go of me Lieutenant." The words came out clearer than her previous ones, so he let her go reluctantly. She stood, but wobbled.

_If she's going to get after me for wanting her to be careful then she better be ready for a lecture on letting people help her when she isn't._ He thought grumpily, hauling himself to his feet and trying to look less hurt than he was. He picked up her helmet for her and handed it to her, which she took and tucked under her arm.

Debriefing was going to be interesting.


	10. Too Far Gone

**Chapter X: Too Far Gone**

"_Please speak slowly,_

_My heart is learning._

_Teach me heartache,_

_Stop this burning now."_

_-Too Far Gone, _All American Rejects

**Kaidan**

Kaidan stood in the med bay of the _Normandy_ hours later, handing supplies to Dr. Chakwas while the physician tended to a very discontent Commander Shepard.

"Doc, really I'm fine." Shepard claimed, signs of being annoyed slipping into her voice. Kaidan just smiled at Shepard's constant arguments and Chakwas' retorts, which had become quicker and snarkier over the course of time thanks to the influence of some of the other members of the crew. However her remarks were more motherly than insubordinate.

"Forget it, Commander." Chakwas warned, running her fingers along Shepard's jaw line to see if her encounter with the krogan mercs had dealt her anything worse than a busted lip. "Besides, Wrex already ratted you out and told me about your little wrestling match with Karx, I need to make sure you're okay."

Kaidan tried to suppress the grin pulling at the sides of his mouth when Shepard gloomed. She had no idea how cute that was.

"Tattle tale." She said, letting out an exasperated sigh.

"So what happened here?" Chakwas asked in her pleasant accent. The doctor held a wet cloth to a cut along Shepard's hairline where dried blood had left the illusion of a more gruesome injury then had actually been sustained.

"Hell if I know, Doc." Shepard shrugged. "It's fine. I feel fine, the crew's fine, everyone is fine. It's nothing really, can I go now?"

Chakwas gave Shepard a look that very clearly stated that she hadn't believed the younger woman.

"Do you remember the last time you were in my medical room with a head injury? You didn't seem to think getting knocked unconscious for _fifteen_ hours by a _sixty thousand_ year old prothean artifact was a big deal either. And yet, here you are almost a year later sill trying to sort out what that little incident started."

Chakwas expertly lined the wound with antibiotics, and snatching a cotton seal-strip from Kaidan's open palm, taped the edges of the slash together.

After the doctor's comment about Shepard's tendency to downplay her injuries Kaidan had tried to hide any signs that he found it funny. The lines of his lips were firm in their attempt to keep him from laughing. But his amusement was still evident, and Shepard glared at him in such a way he could almost hear her voice say "stay out of it." Her look only served to make it more difficult for him to maintain composure.

As if to sense the mental exchange between the two, Chakwas rounded on him. "Well, then you tell me, since our commander is not feeling particularly generous today."

_Talk about a lose-lose situation._ "I'm not sure, Doctor. We had our helmets on most the time, I wouldn't have been able to see when she got it." Alenko opted to save Shepard the embarrassment of admitting she'd tripped on some of the rubble crawling out of what was left of the krogan base. Plus, he felt guilty himself since he had been the one to remove her helmet after the explosion.

It was extremely apparent however that the physician didn't believe him.

"I really can't be certain." He repeated. "She had a nasty run in with a krogan that knocked her up pretty good; I suppose it could've been from that."

Chakwas finally bought it, but when Kaidan turned his attention back to Shepard he was met by her accusatory glare. _Thanks a ton Tenderfoot,_ she scowled.

He shrugged at her, trying to appear as innocent as he could.

"Alright Shepard, one last thing." Chakwas' fingers flew over her nearby keyboard to enter new data into the commander's file. "I heard Karx gave your shoulder quite the working, I want to take a look.

_Shepard is going to increase her krogan kill-total one more point if Wrex doesn't have a good hiding place by now. _Kaidan thought fondly.

"What _happened_ in there?" He asked aloud, wondering what else Shepard had not told him yet.

Again she didn't say anything, just looked at him. And just like all the other expressions she had offered, he had seen it before enough times to recognize it. _You're not helping!_

"I was going to let everyone know at the debriefing." Shepard said icily after he had shrugged again. "But it's taking a little longer than I expected to get there." The commander shot Chakwas a glance.

Chakwas rolled her eyes. "Shirt off. Now. The sooner we get through this the sooner you can leave here and have your oh-so-more-important-than-your-personal-health meeting."

"Ummm… Should I leave or…?" Kaidan asked uncomfortably as Shepard made moves to do as the doctor asked. On the citadel after she had been shot he hadn't even thought about staying or going, but they were back on duty now. Would it be appropriate?

"Sure, you can stay, I don't mind." Chakwas answered; unaware the question had been aimed at Shepard. For awhile Kaidan was surprised that Chakwas had even said anything, let alone consent for Kaidan to stay present. But then again, she most likely had either expected them to be professional, or understood their relationship enough to not care. It was probably the latter; Chakwas had witnessed the tiniest of hints in their attraction way back to Eden Prime. Kaidan had tried to hide his smile when Shepard had insisted her injury was not his fault, but he was sure at least the doctor had caught it. Perhaps it really was that Chakwas understood.

After Chakwas had given her permission it would've been difficult for Shepard to justify sending him out of the room, even if she hadn't wanted him there.

He tried to be as subtle as possible when admiring the soft lines covering well-worked muscle, but he swallowed heavily. _It's only been twelve days Alenko, calm down. You can go twelve days without sleeping with her. _

"Does this hurt?" Chakwas asked, squeezing Shepard where her shoulder met her clavicle.

Despite Shepard's visible wince, the commander answered "No."

"How about this?" Chakwas continued, moving her hand farther out into the shoulder bone.

Kaidan could hear his girlfriend's sharp intake of breath.

"No." She answered stubbornly.

Chakwas shook her head and ran her hand along the commander's underarms. She squeezed from underneath into the center of the joint. "And this?"

For a second Shepard had literally grimaced, but she had been so quick to cover it up, Kaidan wondered if the doctor had noticed. Though, if Chakwas hadn't noticed, the pain that laced Shepard's third 'no' was evidence enough.

Then there was an actually groan of pain as Chakwas pinched the commander as hard as she could into the shoulder. As the field medic, Kaidan had noticed that it was much more forceful than necessary.

"What was that for?!" Shepard asked incredulously, absently rubbing her shoulder when Chackwas stepped away.

"Don't lie to me! I hate it when you do that." Chakwas lectured, punching some more keys on her computer pad. Shepard glared at the doctor, but Chakwas ignored her. "As far as I can tell it's just a bruised bone. I'm giving you something for the pain but you'll have to take it easy on that shoulder the next few days. And don't go firing anything with a lot of kickback."

Kaidan watched Shepard replace her shirt while Chakwas retrieved the meds. She handed them to Shepard. "Assuming that you aren't lying about anything else I'd have to say you're going to be fine and can go now. Take it easy."

"Thanks, Doc!" Shepard said happily, hopping off the examination table. "Alenko, assemble the teams, tell them I want a meeting in the comm room thirty seconds ago. And make sure Drellis is there so we can plan our next move, got it?"

"Yes, Ma'am." He said, silently making fun of her persistence.

"Oh, don't give me that look. You think you're so clever!" She said to him and then stalked out of the room.

Kaidan took the time to personally thank Doctor Chakwas for all the help before leaving the med bay himself.

* * *

Kaidan sat patiently as Alliance personnel and aliens alike filed into the comm room for debriefing. He watched as Shepard easily herded Sarah to Ash's seat. It felt good to have a Williams in the debriefing. Sarah almost seemed to heal the small void that had been in place ever since Ashley's untimely death. Almost. Drellis unofficially held Garrus' spot, leaving Dr. T'Soni's chair for Franklin.

Kaidan surprised himself with the little pang of feeling he had for Liara. He was beginning to miss her curious nature and undeniable logic. He wondered briefly what she was doing right now, and if she would be in charge of the unpleasant task of emptying the failed cryogenic pods on Ilos.

"Jones, what's the status on the hostages? I assume everything went smoothly?"

Kaidan was jerked out of his thoughts, not realizing that they'd already begun. He sat forward in his chair and leaned on his elbows.

"Yes ma'am." The toe-headed marine answered. "Joker's already arranged for a fifth fleet cruiser to pick them up. However, they have asked that we stay here in Port Yarlon until they arrive, at least for the night."

Kaidan knew Shepard wouldn't like wasting any more time than they already were, especially since it was near noon now. They could probably reach Syba by tonight if they left now.

Sure enough Shepard sighed to his left. "I doubt we have a choice in the matter. Good work getting the civilians here, Corporal."

Alenko watched an exchange of glances between the commander and the turian, but after a moment Drellis inclined his head in understanding. The turian couldn't honestly believe that Shepard wanted to get to Garrus any less than he did.

"So," Tali began. "What actually happened in there, what was all this about?"

Everyone threw their attention back to Shepard. "They were all hired." She said, taking turns directing herself to each of them. "By who, we don't know, and why they all belong to the same krogan organization I have no idea. I'm hoping we've stopped them, but I have a feeling it won't be the last we've heard from them."

"They were all hired to kill you? I think my life expectancy just went down a few decades." Jones put in. Wrex released a laugh that gave the impression he thought a lower life expectancy was obvious.

Out of his peripheral vision Kaidan saw Shepard go rigid for a moment. It was really subtle, and hidden through many years of practice. He doubted anyone else had noticed, it was something only he would pick up on.

"For now, this case is closed then." Shepard said quickly. "While we're here we should discuss the plan for Garrus' rescue. Did you find anything in the maps, Drellis?"

Kaidan examined the turian, the only one in the room not to be included on the previous mission. He felt sorry for him, sitting helpless on the ship while everyone else was in battle. He pictured the turian pacing in restlessness while contemplating what he could do to get closer to Garrus sooner.

"It's pretty straight forward." Drellis explained. "There's only one structure on the grid that I've seen, but no way to drop a team. We could try to hike in from the lake as your lieutenant suggested, but it would definitely give them the advantage of seeing us coming. I suppose if you had a powerful enough group…"

"Negative." Shepard disagreed. "I don't want one giant group. Two teams seem to work well enough for us with this many people, and I'm not going to risk them killing Garrus if we hit too hard too fast." Kaidan met her eyes. "Alenko. You, Drellis, Wrex, and Tali will find Garrus wherever they're holding him, most likely in the lowest level. My team will work on tracking Polaris down. If we can keep her distracted you will have a better chance at getting out."

"With all due respect," Kaidan said. "Don't you think I should be the team against Pol-"

"I'll need my best to lead the second team." She interrupted.

_There's something else._ Kaidan felt it in his gut, and as receptive as Shepard was she seemed to read his mind. She leaned over to talk quietly to him. "I don't want you getting close to her. She was trying to kill _you_, remember?"

Kaidan didn't like it. Something wasn't right. Shepard must know how badly he wanted to face this with her right? Polaris had broken into their home and shot her, Shepard couldn't honestly expect him to contentedly stay behind.

Kaidan felt a scowl of concern cross his face. She was watching his expression very carefully. "We'll talk about it later." She offered.

Sarah was next to speak. "Are we looking at one building, three levels, or compound? Do we even know?"

"When we flew over it, there was just one structure. It had multiple levels though. Until we get inside they'll have height and cover." Drellis said grimly.

"Is there any way we can stealth in?" Jones asked.

"Negative." It was Shepard who answered this time. "Polaris knows Alenko and possibly me, and she captured Garrus, not killed him on sight. She must know we're already coming."

"Well, it doesn't sound like we have too many options." Wrex grumbled.

Shepard nodded. "Okay, so we drop in at the lake, hike through the trees, and take out the front on the building. Once we're inside we split into two groups. Understood?"

There was almost a dull roar as everyone agreed. Finally Shepard stood.

"Good. Dismissed." The crew all began moving towards the exit, but Kaidan waited a few seconds before standing.

"Alenko, could you stay for a moment?"

Of course, she would want to talk. There was still the incident with the Mako. He shouldn't have lost it, and what kind of CO would she be if she didn't admonish him for his outburst? He should have expected it.

"Yes, ma'am." He said simply, sitting back in his chair.

Shepard politely waited for the last of the crew to leave and the door to slide closed before addressing him. "I think we need to talk."

"I figured." It sounded like a trap to him. He tried to collect himself. "Look Commander, if this is a personal conversation I need to know right now that I can speak as your boyfriend. I don't think we can talk anything out if I'm walking on eggshells."

It was a fair request, but he knew he was asking her to move out of her comfort zone, giving up her control over the situation. The look on her face told him she was thinking it over.

"Shepard, it takes two people to be in a relationship. Two equal people. And based on today, I'm assuming we've got some things to work out."

She looked at him and nodded. "Yeah okay, agreed. Let's just be us for this. I don't want to have another day like this one. First things first I guess." She said, getting right to it. He tried to relax a little bit, and make this easier to take. She looked from him to her hands.

"I don't appreciate getting reprimanded in front of the crew. I could understand your concern, but the second we let it affect the team as well as ourselves- that's when we start causing problems." She said it a little more angrily then he was sure she'd meant to, but she didn't show any signs of taking her tone back, and as default, his voice strengthened to meet hers.

"Shepard, you tried to drive off the face of a cliff-"

"You and I have done worse than that stunt in the Mako before." She countered, her voice rising the tiniest bit.

"So what, I have to keep myself from being concerned about you?" He retorted. How could she even ask him to do that? They had agreed up front that their relationship would not dictate their decisions, but he couldn't just make himself stop caring about her. His own words sounded angry, and he _was _angry if only the smallest bit, an emotion he hadn't really felt towards Shepard before.

"No, but you can refrain from shouting at me in front of my team!" She was officially shouting herself now, and he felt bitter about how the conversation was going. She wasn't being very reasonable.

"Yeah okay, Shepard!" He stood and walked a few paces to the middle of the floor and rounded on her. "Maybe I could feel more comfortable with your crazy stunt shit if you ever let me help you when you get injured!" _Or let me help you at all._

"What is that supposed to mean?!" She said, standing herself.

"Well what about the problem you seem to have with me patching you up in the field?! Fine, sure, maybe I should've just let you do it, but you got huffy over it and you let it affect your attitude just as much as your little Mako escapade did mine!" He refused to believe it had all been his fault. She had been just as responsible for her own actions.

"We were in the middle of a mission and I let myself get distracted, how am I supposed to be okay with that!?" She argued.

"And then in the blast room! We had just run our _asses _off and you _lost consciousness _Shepard! And _still_ you wouldn't allow me to do so much as cheer you up!"

"Damn it, Kaidan, there are more people in our unit than just us, we need to think about them!"

"Fine! Let's think about them! Do you think for one moment that none of them would've asked you if you were okay?! Tried to pitch you crap, or try to inspect your injuries? Do you think none of them worry about your well-being?! I did nothing that any of them would not do! In your effort to keep us one team, you divide us! What do you think they notice more, me holding you up, or you pushing me away!?"

In his frustration he turned away from her and walked to the rail that lined the observation window. He leaned over on it. He was so… confused. He honestly hadn't believed he and Shepard would have any problems when returning to the _Normandy_. He shook his head and took a deep breath. Then he felt a distinctly female hand on his back.

"Hey, hey… What is this?" She asked, sounding much gentler.

He looked up at her, softening his own voice. "Nothing. It's just… w-we don't-"

"Argue… I know." She finished for him. They had never had a dispute that lasted more than thirty seconds. That was something very beautiful about their relationship.

"We were bound to have this conversation sooner or later." She said pressing on his shoulder trying to get him to turn to her.

He took advantage of the slight crack in her anger and grabbed both her hands in his own, letting out a sigh.

"I'm sorry." He started. "It's just when it comes to the rest of the team, they aren't the ones involved in this thing, we are. They don't know what it's like for us, trying so hard to separate ourselves after being so close for so long. All for _them_."

He looked at her and felt a little twinge of delight when she suddenly snapped herself into him, tightly wrapping her arms around his waist and snuggling her face into his chest. For the moment at least, she was back where she belonged. He slid one arm around her back and used his other hand to hold her head to him, gathering what warmth he could from her. Knowing it would most likely have to last him for a long time.

Her body relaxed into him. "God, when did this all get so complicated?"

He kissed her head and squeezed her. "When it became more serious than mere attraction." Much more. "So what do we do?"

"Well," she said quietly, not pulling away from him. "There's nothing we really can do. We have to be less uptight about the little stuff in the field, but more careful. As if that in itself isn't confusing."

"In exchange for a little less uptightness onboard the ship?" He asked, hopeful. On the ship was when he really needed the extra help to control himself.

She tilted her head back to look at him. "Okay, maybe just a little bit, but let's keep confined to off-duty time."

"Yeah, yeah, okay." He touched his forehead to hers.

"And no sleeping together no matter what." She added as an afterthought.

He felt his stomach tighten at the thought. He hadn't expected to really go that far on the ship ever again, but she could at least spare him the images that made him want it and stop bringing it up.

"Well, aren't you the stickler?" He teased her. He felt the intense need to kiss her, and given that they'd just had their first argument he felt they were entitled to their first make-up kiss.

They both leaned in.

"Uh, Commander?" The ship commed tuned in, and the couple groaned in unison.

"If that's Joker I'm going to gift wrap him and give him to Wrex for a chew toy." Shepard grumbled.

Kaidan smiled at her, not wanting to let her go, but she stepped away from him. "Joker, if you ever wanted a medal you could always apply for the bad timing awards." She said to the room.

"Oh… sorry ma'am."

_Yeah, sure he is… Jackass._ Kaidan thought playfully.

"What is it, Joker?" Shepard asked.

Feeling spontaneous Kaidan stepped behind her and wrapped his arms around her chest and shoulders.

"Kaidan," she whispered, more playful than irritated. "He's probably spying."

"Good." He whispered back. "Let's make him wish he hadn't." Shepard gently nudged him in the ribs.

"Hackett wants to do his official 'after mission thank you' bull shit. You're needed on the bridge." Joker's voice said.

"I'll be there soon." She said, sighing. The channel clicked closed. She turned back to him. "Meet you for lunch in about fifteen?"

"Sure. I'll invite Jones and Williams?" He offered.

She nodded. "See you then."

He let her walk away, taking her warmth with her.

_She is going to get me into so much trouble someday._


	11. Objects in the Rearview Mirror

**Chapter XI: Objects in the Rearview Mirror**

"_-And if life is just a highway,_

_Then the soul is just a car._

_And objects in the rearview mirror_

_May appear closer than they are."_

_-Objects in the Rearview Mirror,_ Meat Loaf

**Shepard**

Shepard sat in mess hall across from Sarah and Franklin, trying to not be too upset about being forced to wait before taking off to rescue Garrus. Kaidan sat at her right, the only one still eating, no doubt because he had so much more food to consume than the other three.

"That is so unfair." Sarah said teasingly while she sat back down from putting her own tray into the dish receptacle.

"You have no idea." Shepard countered, shaking her head at the lieutenant's portions. "This is nothing."

Franklin just shook his head. "So about the misson…"

"Nuh uh!" Sarah interrupted. "No work-talk."

Shepard furrowed her brow and examined the young girl. Had Sarah been reading her thoughts? Now wasn't the time Shepard wanted to talk about the mission. She wasn't as guarded in the mess hall- force of habit. If they talked about Polaris now, the odds that she might slip something about Rahna...

And Kaidan was right next to her, it would be only too easy for her to get distracted and say something in carelessness.

"It's just," Sarah explained to Shepard's puzzled expression, "you said we have two hours off duty after debriefing to wind down, I don't think we should talk about anything work related." Sarah looked at Shepard questioningly. "Of course, I mean, if it's alright with you, Skipper."

Shepard considered it. It might take the edge off having to wait for the fleet to arrive. "Sure, permission to speak candidly. We can talk about anything you want to."

For a moment, it looked as if Sarah was going to test her limits. For a brief second the young woman glanced between the commander and lieutenant, grazing over the invisible professional wall drawn between them. Shepard felt nervous while she wondered what Sarah might assume to mean 'anything'. But as it was, the teen seemed to think twice about how tactful she would be on the subject.

"You guys have served together for about a year now, right?" Sarah asked, crossing her arms thoughtfully and leaning on the table.

"Yeah." Shepard looked at her lieutenant and smiled. "I've known the lieutenant longer than I have anyone else I take on ground team with me now, if even only by a few days."

"Did you two know each other before coming to the _Normandy_?" Jones inquired. Shepard had to keep herself from looking surprised that he of all people would be curious, or would even wonder passively.

"No." Kaidan said beside her when she didn't reply. "Well, we'd met once before then, but we didn't know it at the time. It was when the Alliance first revealed the _Normandy_ to the public. They had this huge banquet for the 'exhibit'." Kaidan paused as if he wondered if that information were really necessary. "Had we known then what serving on this ship would mean, things may have gone a little differently."

"It must've been exhilarating, knowing you're the first ones to utilize this technology." Jones said brightly. It was then Shepard finally pegged Jones. _Gear-head_.

"So Franklin, tell us something about you." Shepard said. "We haven't had a lot of time to talk since you're arrival."

Jones sighed, and leaned back in his chair. "I guess I'm kind of in shock about how open you are." He admitted. "Not as a person but as a CO. I'm more used to tight disciple and visible thick lines between the ranks. When I first got assigned here I never imagined I'd be eating lunch with you. Or even Lieutenant Alenko."

"I like that my officers can come talk to me. Nothing good can come from having a crew that won't speak their minds. I'm just human after all. I like to keep an open door policy."

"More like an open-airlock policy." Kaidan muttered.

Shepard swiveled purposefully to glare at him. "And what is that supposed to mean, Lieutenant?"

"Nothing, ma'am." He answered, shaking his head with a small amused smile. "I just wouldn't want to be the one on your bad side. I hear getting spaced isn't a pleasant experience."

"Well, keep it up and you'll find out first hand."

Williams and Jones laughed.

"Yeah alright." Franklin said after awhile. "It's just, I expected with the kind of history you carry that I'd be serving some hard ass, strict and venomous demon of a person."

It was Kaidan who chuckled. He resumed his normal, sensible styled tone before speaking. "Not Commander Shepard. Of course, I've never been on the other end of her more threatening attitudes. There was one time we were on the Citadel, and this clerk wouldn't release the body of one of the soldiers that had died on Eden Prime. The husband asked us to look into it, but when we talked to Clerk Bosker, he refused to give in."

"Wait, that was Mr. Bahtia, right?" Sarah asked. "Ash used to brag about Naralie's food all that time, she was an amazing cook! We heard about what happened, Mr. Bahtia invited our family to the service."

Shepard remembered the incident Kaidan was describing. She had lost it when Bosker had denied Mr. Bahtia the rights to his wife's body. It wasn't a moment she was proud of. She should have maintained composure, but instead she let loose on the poor guy.

"Yeah." Kaidan said nodding. "Bosker wanted to run tests on Naralie to learn more about geth weaponry. He pushed the wrong button, and with one arm Shepard pinned him against the wall and shouted in his face about how he was doing the wrong thing, and 'saving humanity didn't mean anything if we lost our humanity in the process'."

Jones raised his blonde eyebrows and looked at Shepard. She only nodded.

"Now, I hadn't known the commander long, but when she got upset like that, I could feel the rage just roll off of her. I was on her side, standing right behind her, and _I_ was a little scared."

"Alright, Alenko." Shepard finally interrupted. "You're gonna make them think I need anger management or something."

"But Bosker released the body, right?" Sarah asked.

"Well yeah." Shepard said smiling. "I don't revel in making others nervous, but when it gets to that point, I always get my way."

Jones and Williams laughed again, and Kaidan smiled and nodded along.

"I bet Ash loved that." Sarah said.

Shepard felt a pang of guilt when she caught Sarah's face. It was so obvious how much Sar missed her sister. The table got really quiet after the woman's comment, knowing that Ashley was a subject that hadn't been really discussed yet among the group. Shepard wondered how much Jones knew, but based on the way he reacted to Sarah comments and stories of the eldest Williams sister, Shepard assumed he'd heard enough from Sarah.

After a few moments of silence Shepard sighed. "Hey, Sar… I'm sorry I wasn't with the team to bring you the news. The brass didn't think it would be 'appropriate', given my personal relationship with Ashley. I assume they were worried I would tell you what was 'more than necessary'. Shepard shook her heard. It had been so unfair. She should have been the one to tell the family. "It hurt to not give you what Ashley deserved."

Shepard watched Sarah shift uncomfortably in the seat across the table. "Well, only the original crew of the _Normandy_, the Council, and a few others really knew what had happened in the galaxy. You have to understand how it feels as a civilian to know that something huge is about to happen. And there is not a damn thing we can do about it." Sarah looked down at her hands. "They didn't even tell us how she died…"

Shepard was pained to hear the ache in Sarah's voice. She briefly wondered what it had been like for Sarah to find out she had been assigned to the same vessel Ashley had been stationed on when she died.

Sarah's eyes lifted after a moment and Shepard met those warm chocolate orbs dead on.

"Sarah… what do you know about the events and our mission in the past ten months?"

"Nothing, really." Sarah conceded. "Ash didn't say much, which is weird in itself, so I'm assuming it was something really important. She talked a lot about you, and about Lieutenant Alenko," She nodded to Kaidan, "And some of the others; Joker, Garrus… a few more I can't remember, but never about what is was you were doing."

Shepard let out a sigh and Kaidan looked at her expectantly. She looked down the table at Franklin, who was watching her as carefully as Shepard's other companions. She glanced back to Kaidan for a last nod of encouragement and turned back to the youngest Williams sister.

"When Rear Admiral Harnard sent me your files, he said it was up to me on whether or not your places aboard the _Normandy_ were temporary or more permanent." She said, addressing both Jones and Williams. "What I saw today was impressive and made me proud. So I'd like to say now, with Kaidan Alenko as my witness, that I would be honored if you both would consider joining my crew. Permanently."

The two younger soldiers exchanged glances, clear signs that showed Shepard's reply had been far from expected, but after only a few moments they both said they would be honored and proud to serve under her.

"Well, good. I'm glad to have you both." She started again, smiling lightly. "I'll get the necessary paperwork done tonight. Now that you'll be on my ship when this whole mess starts up again, I can tell you what's really been going on."

"It's going to be a long story, and kind of hard to take, so if either of you have to use the restroom now is the time." Kaidan cut in.

Shepard appreciated him warning them. Had someone simply told _her_ what had happened in the last year she herself probably wouldn't have believed it. But now she had her nightmares and scars as a constant reminder.

"Yeah, I'll be right back." Jones finally said, standing and heading towards the bathroom.

"Well then I am going to get some coffee." Kaidan said, standing up next to Shepard. "Want anything, sweetheart?"

Shepard paused for a moment when she realized what Kaidan had just called her. Apparently he had just realized it as well, because they just sat there for moment, staring at one another. There's no way to damage control something like that.

And then, Sarah to the rescue.

"Yes, water please, honey-bunch!" The young woman replied, resting her chin on her hands and batting her eyelashes at the lieutenant with great exaggeration.

Kaidan looked like he was worried for a moment that Shepard might be upset at his offhand impulse, but she could hardly keep from laughing, let alone keep a straight face.

"Water would be great, thanks." Shepard finally told him, relieving him of his fears.

Geez, had she really been that hard on him? That he would be so concerned about her reaction? Well yeah… the rules. They can't let other people feel uncomfortable. Shepard felt a new appreciation for Sarah, and how easy going she was.

Franklin came back in. "Water for me too, sweetcheeks!" He said as he walked to the table, trying to copy the ridiculous look on Sarah's face.

Shepard could no longer hold back her laughter.

Kaidan raised his hands in defeat. "Alright, alright. I surrender! Mercy!" When his back was turned the three humans gave each other silent high-fives.

When they'd all settled again Shepard became aware of Kaidan's arm resting on the back of her chair. He had been careful not to touch her, but Shepard still gained comfort from it. She was beginning to feel that maybe she and Kaidan could be a little more relaxed around the two younger humans.

Finally Shepard took a sip of her water and turned to Jones and Williams, sitting on the other side of the table, watching her expectantly.

"You know that incident on the Citadel about six months back?"

Jones nodded. "Yeah, the news vids said it was some kind of knew geth war ship that attacked."

Shepard shook her head almost amused at the ridiculousness of it. "I wish that was all it were."

She started her story all the way back to Eden Prime. She talked the two through the story of Nihlus, the dockworker they had found, and Saren. She covered every detail and process they took on the Citadel, Therum, Feros, and Noveria, often stopping to tell a story about some joke or impressive maneuver Ashley had pulled off.

It took a full hour before Shepard reached the part of the story when Virmire took place.

Already, Sarah seemed on the verge of tears, forced into strong emotions by all the little anecdotes of something Ashley had either said or done.

The emotion was understandable, especially when paired with the fact that by now, both Jones and Williams had learned just how fragile the galaxy was, and how close all civilization was to extinction.

The whole situation felt overwhelmingly dire and grim when said all at once, even to Shepard, who had lived through it, saw the devastation, and countered it once before. Any second the reapers could come back out of hiding, and so would begin the slow methodical pruning of all known species and races.

Sarah sat, watching Shepard intently, eyes shining in the light. Jones had taken to staring into his glass of water, like any second a giant mechanical squid might pop out of it.

Even Shepard was reliving the fear that in forty eight hours she and everyone around her, everyone she cared about, could be destroyed. She had spent so much time and effort into trying to forget it was like a slap in the face to remember how close life could be to the end. The emotion made her look to her right, at Kaidan, and the desire to just touch him, even hold his hand, just to remember he was real, and he was hers, was unbearable. To avoid involuntarily reaching out to him she slipped her hand under the table and into her lap. It was only there for a few seconds before she felt strong fingers clasp her hand tightly. She looped her fingers in Kaidan's, welcoming the contact.

Her eyes started to sting and she looked at him. His eyes were glossy as well at the seriousness of the situation, but she recovered some of her strength from him.

She looked back at Franklin and finally Sarah. With her free hand Shepard reached across the table and held the woman's arm in a comforting grip.

"When we got to Virmire, we discovered Saren was making some form of a cure for the krogan genophage to breed krogan warriors. And the infiltration team we were sent to check in with was on the verge of being detected. We had to act fast, so we pieced together a plan to destroy the facility."

Sarah was listening attentively, unmoving. Jones looked up from his glass.

"Captain Kirrahe, their leader, planned an attack that would allow a small team to detonate a nuke from inside the base. It was really the only way we could be successful, but his side of the attack would require three teams. He needed a leader for the third, one that knew Alliance communication procedures."

Shepard paused to look down, gathering a more steady breath before continuing. "I don't like putting my men under someone else's command. I can't trust anyone else to do what's best for them, that kind of thing. But the lieutenant volunteered." She took a second to look at Kaidan. He squeezed her hand tightly under the table, encouraging her to go on.

"I was going to let him go, but Ash wouldn't have it." The ends of Shepard's mouth twitched upwards, remembering the Chief's attitude on the whole thing.

"Needless to say, I didn't really want either of my best men separated from me, but I learned from the Chief early on that once a Williams had her mind set on something…"

A fond laugh came from Sarah in agreement, and Shepard shook her head. It felt good to be talking about the whole situation from start to finish. For the first time _telling_ someone the story, and saying the words aloud.

"Ash got her way, of course. She led the STG team and Alenko, Garrus, and I worked our way through the base. We successfully disarmed the AA guns; even scattered the geth communications network. One on the other side, the _Normandy_ brought us the bomb. That was when things went to hell."

Sarah readjusted her position and leaned in.

"I radioed Ash, told her to get to us, but she couldn't… the geth had her pinned down at the other AA gun and she couldn't get out. Alenko needed some more time to arm the nuke so I took Wrex and Garrus and headed back, leaving a small team with the lieutenant. I was about halfway to Williams when we all discovered the geth were sending reinforcements to the bomb site. They were pouring out all over the crew there."

Shepard allowed her eyes to glaze over and stare into space as her lips continued moving. In her mind, she was reliving it, the way she'd leaned on the railing, her knees growing weak as reality set in.

"_I don't think we can survive until you get here. I'm activating the nuke!" Kaidan's voice._

"_What the hell are you doing, Alenko?" _Don't do it!

"_Making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what! It's done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here!"_

"_Screw that, we can take care of ourselves! Head back, and get Alenko!" _

_Her mind numbed. _No, I need you… both of you_._

"_What the verdict, Shepard?" Wrex rumbled. Didn't he realize what they were asking her to do?_

_She didn't answer. Her mouth was dry. She shook her head, trying to organize her thoughts._

"_We going, we stayin', we headin' back? Make up your mind quick, we're running out of time!" Garrus's voice of reason pried. _

_She closed her eyes and blinked out tears. _

"_Alenko… radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site."_

"_Y-yes, Commander… I-I-"_

"_You know it's the right choice, LT!"_

"_Hang in there, Ash. I'll be coming to get you too."_

"_I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander." Ashley's comm blipped._

The voices echoed, amplified themselves, and reverberated in Shepard's head.

She must have zoned out because the other three were watching her fixedly when she came back around to notice what was going on.

"I had to choose." She said slowly. She felt Kaidan's firm grip on her hand tighten again. "And not a day goes by that I don't wonder if there wasn't more I could've done. I'm so sorry, Sarah."

Shepard searched Sarah's eyes and found profound sadness in her brown eyes, dark tears trailing down her young face.

Shepard tightened both her hands, the one in Kaidan's and the other on Sarah's arm.

"I want you to know, it wasn't because-"

"No." Sarah said shaking her head. "You don't have to explain yourself. I'm sure you made the right decision. I don't… blame you, Skipper. And I don't think Ash would've either." Her voice was watery, and it made Shepard ache in regret.

It was then Shepard realized that she had wanted Sarah to challenge her. Shepard needed to defend herself. She needed her own way out, she needed to know she had made the right decision, like if she could convince Sarah she had little choice in the matter, then she might actually believe it herself one day.

"Why?" Shepard asked, hating how raspy she sounded. "Why are you so sure I made the right decision?"

"Because…" Sarah started slowly. "I can't know that I would've been able to make a decision at all. And, if you hadn't made a choice, you all would've died. And based on what's going on so far in the story, I'm starting to guess there wouldn't be a galaxy anymore if you had died on that planet."

Shepard didn't say anything, it was a weak argument.

"Besides," Sarah added. "I never would've made it to the _Normandy_ if it weren't for Ash. I'd be on some backwater colony somewhere, held back by a history I didn't create."

Shepard still didn't say anything for a long while. She just sat and let her own thoughts swallow her whole, and the other three at the table let her, getting lost in their own thoughts.

"So…" Sarah finally said after a long while. "Tell me about that geth ship that attacked the Citadel."

Kaidan kindly took over as storyteller, removing his hand from Shepard's and daringly put his arm around her waist. She didn't have the strength to argue, and pretended she wouldn't mind, only because they were indeed discussing how close they were to their death, and she secretly only wanted him to hold her tighter.

She didn't speak for the next forty five minutes while he finished the story. He told them about the Ilos research team scouring the prothean facility even now, searching for clues as to how to reach dark space and confront the reapers. Along with reminding them both that it was very likely, now that they were part of the _Normandy_ crew, would see the end, one way or another.

It was that realization that must have finally struck Sarah, because she finally released an audible cry. Franklin cautiously put his arm around her shoulders, and the sound snapped Shepard out of her self-induced comatose state and she rose from her chair. She walked around the edge of the table to where Sarah sat and squatted next to her. She was reminded of how young the Williams girl really was, despite her maturity and skill. She was still just a teen.

Shepard put her hand on Sarah's leg. "I know it's a lot to take. There's just something a lot bigger than us out there… and I'm going to find a way to stop it."

Sarah lifted her eyes and met Shepards. Shepard saw such fear in those eyes that she was forced to remember how jaded she had been, her life stricken with grief at almost every turn. But Sarah had just left the sheltered life of High School. And whether the Reapers came back tomorrow or in another thousand years, this young woman would never look at life the same.

"Can you promise me you'll stop them? Will you promise you will end their so called 'cycle'?"

"I promise I will never stop trying." Shepard offered.

Sarah looked like she wasn't sure that answer would suffice. "I think… I need to go to sleep… or think, or something." She moved to get up, and Shepard stood with her.

"If you need to talk, come find me after dinner, okay?" Shepard said, pulling the young girl into an awkward hug. She felt so protective of Sarah in an unexplainable way, like she felt personally responsible for the teen's safety and guidance.

Sarah wiped the tears away from her face and nodded in a way that suggested she might take Shepard up on her offer… but it was unlikely. Sarah would need some time. Regardless, there was a definate bond between the Williams women, and Shepard knew it transferred through personalities to some extent. If Sarah was anything similar to Ash, there was probably more to this conversation that would have to continue later. In the near future.

Shepard nodded definitively. "Go take a nap. I'll have Joker wake you for your meal rotation."

The young woman turned and headed towards the sleeper pods.

When Shepard returned her attention to the table Kaidan had stood and was now putting the empty glasses into the dish receptacle.

"You alright, Jones?" She inquired.

The Corporal ran a pale hand through his blonde hair. "Yeah. It's just a lot to absorb. I knew something must've been going on. My mother used to work in colonial affairs; I would catch little snippets of what was going on in the outer colonies. She was always careful, but… I just had a feeling you know?"

Shepard smiled grimly. Then she looked at the clock above the food counter. "Well, technically, I'm on duty again, but if you want to talk later too-"

"Yeah, maybe." The young man said, standing. Shepard saw the composed type of thought processes and grief that she had come to know in Kaidan.

Soon only she and Alenko were left in the mess. She looked at him, needing comforting, but not daring to ask for it. Ironic, since she knew he was probably wanting to comfort her, and not daring to even do it.

"Well, I guess we've both got work to do." He said absently.

"Yeah." She needed to get away from him. Clear her head. She quickly made to exit the mess.

"Hey." He called after her, just as she was about to reach the stairs to her escape. "Dinner at eighteen hundred?"

She looked back at him and offered him the best smile she could conjure up. "Sure."


	12. A Little's Enough

**Chapter XII: A Little's Enough**

"_I can do anything, if you want me here  
And I can fix anything, If you'll let me near  
Where are those secrets now  
That you're too scared to tell  
I whisper them all aloud  
So you can hear yourself."_

_-Little's Enough,_ Angels and Airwaves

**Shepard**

Shepard lie awake in her quarters again, time slipping into the wee hours of the morning. She rolled over grumpily, frustrated that she couldn't close her eyes without nightmares crashing down on her.

It was even the same set of nightmares. The massacre of Ilos, and the large skyway set between two stone pillars. She hated that one. She hated the feeling of desperation to get to the end of the giant highway, only to have her goal blown to shreds once she got there. And the screaming… the horrible screaming of the prothean people struggling with their loved ones to reach a safety that wasn't even there.

_You need to take care of yourself, Shepard. _Liara's kind voice of concern invaded her mind. The young asari had always been worried that Shepard's visions might weigh on her mind and now that it was happening again, Shepard wished she could talk to the scientist. She had to admit that Dr. T'Soni brought a presence to the _Normandy_ that couldn't be replaced by any amount of marines.

Shepard rolled over again, and tossed different thoughts around in her head. Like Rahna… and rescuing Garrus. She was so worried about Garrus. What were the odds he would still be alive? Realistically he'd only been captured for a little less than a week. Still, Shepard's insides twisted in anxiety. She could've been in Syba's orbit by now if it weren't for Hackett's insistence that they stay until morning. Shepard both respected and loathed that man.

Then there was Kaidan. She had tried to be as diplomatic as possible when it came to convincing him that he shouldn't be in the team to go after Polaris. The reasons she had given him were true, but not at all fair. She was using his rank against him, persuading him that she needed him to run the second team. She would keep him out of the whole mess as long as she could. If she was lucky, she could apprehend Rahna before Kaidan knew any better. Then she would explain it to him, that she had had everything under control.

_Kaidan. _She missed him. In a different sense then just missing seeing him- she got to see him every day. She missed the carefree way they were before they had returned to the _Normandy_.

She should've expected this. She had known that one day they would have to return to the ship and resume their fight against the Reapers. But the six months of shore leave had blinded her, and filled her with visions of a life she would very much like to have.

She hadn't imagined all the little things she had taken for granted all those months away, when they had grown close and became _more_.

The way he had always been within her grasp. He had always held a warm comforting hand to the small of her back or the curve of her arm. The way he would form his body to hers when he held her, like they had only precious moments together. The way that when they were alone he didn't treat her like a war hero or a celebrity, but a woman he simply had to be with. The way he made her feel both exceptionally blessed and blissfully normal at the same time.

As if the first human spectre could ever lead a normal life.

She sighed again.

Shepard argued with herself for a good five minutes before finally hitting the comm button and linking into Alenko's sleeping pod.

"Lieutenant Alenko, come to my quarters, please."

After a few seconds there came a groggy response. "Yes, ma'am."

Shepard brought her legs out of the covers and stretched out on the bed. She yawned and raised her arms over her head, her plain white Alliance N7 shirt allowing her tummy to peek over the top of her blue camo shorts. When she retracted she sat up. In this light she could barely see three well hidden but visible scars.

Medigel had effectively taken care of any damage that would've led to a true _scar_, but in the blue light she could see the slightest discoloration wherever there had been a slash from her past. On the inside of her right calf lay a wide spot of lighter skin, hardly noticeable. The original wound had just been a cut from a sharp rock on Akuze when she had been trying to drag a fellow marine out of the dangers of the thresher maw, but she had gone three days after without medical attention, allowing it to worsen. In almost the exact same place on her other leg had been the gash she's gotten as a farewell present from Sovereign. Damn squid anyway.

Down by her right ankle was the one she'd gotten from a slaver's loop when Mindoir had been attacked. She had been able to kick it off, but the shocking system got her on her way out.

Three hardly noticeable differences of color were pretty good for all the crap Shepard had gone through. But like most soldiers, the really deep scars were on the inside, in a kind of taint of the soul. She was glad that those particular wounds were not so evident.

There was a knock at her door and she had forgotten that she had locked it. She hauled herself off the bed and walked to the wall console, disengaging the lock.

The door swished open and Kaidan stepped through, looking thoroughly tired. Shepard felt suddenly guilty for waking him up.

"I'm sorry, I just needed to talk. I can't sleep." She said, sitting back on the bed and motioning that Kaidan should to the same.

"It's no big deal, really." He came and sat down. "So what's the problem?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Shepard said testily, scowling at him. "I can only talk to you when I have a problem?"

"Isn't there a section on that in the rules too?"

Shepard rolled her eyes. It was probably due to her lack of sleep, but the comment kinda ticked her off. She huffed angrily and lay back on the bed, crossing her arms in front of her.

"Jeez," Kaidan said, lying back as well. The bed wasn't really designed for two… why would it be? But it was big enough to hold them both if they lay shoulder to shoulder. "And I thought Rahna had been touchy."

Shepard's eyes flashed open. "You never told me she was touchy!"

Kaidan was obviously confused at Shepard's reaction but she didn't offer to explain herself. "You said she was gentle hearted."

"She was… but that usually translates into emotional." Kaidan said both sensibly and slowly, still bewildered by her interest.

_Great… an emotional crazy woman. A whole lot better than a normal crazy woman. _

"How do you mean?"

"Well… I don't know. She was the type who wore her heart on her sleeve. It makes a person sweet and gentle, but also an easier target for pain. I told you what I thought of her, and what she was like. I don't know why it would matter." He readjusted himself so he was lying on his side facing her. "Unless you want the girly gossip stuff like how we kissed and all that."

Shepard didn't know why she said "sure"; she didn't really want to know anything about _them_. She just wanted to know about _her_. However, Shepard's response hung in the air, and it was too late to take it back.

Kaidan's brow furrowed for a second, but then he moved his arm to the other side of Shepard and leaned a little over her. "It wasn't anything like this," he said, leaning down.

"No." Shepard said quickly to squash her own desire. "That is exactly how that other thing gets started, and we are not doing that other thing on this ship ever again. It's bad. Bad ju ju." She tried to make herself sound as cute as she could in hopes he would forgive her.

"No, you're right." He said, staying put. "I probably shouldn't kiss you. It's a bad idea."

"Yeah." Shepard agreed, not asking him to move either.

"I mean, it's not like we can't control ourselves. We're sensible adults." Though, even as he whispered the words his face was getting closer.

"Yeah." Shepard said again. Why wasn't she breathing? God damn, they'd been together for almost nine months, when would she get used to this?

"I mean what would it say about us if we couldn't stay away for whole week?" His lips brushed along her jaw, avoiding her lips teasingly.

She gripped his shoulder, not to push him away, but to steady herself.

"Uh-huh." She agreed again.

"Can I kiss you now?" The words were a lot raspier and breathier than she had expected and it sent chills through her.

"Uh-huh." His lips were almost at hers, she could feel the warmth radiating from them.

She couldn't take it anymore. She closed the little distance between them, and felt him sigh in relief as their tension was rewarded. God, just to kiss him again… to feel him around her… it was like breathing again after spending a lifetime under water.

Had she become so dependent on his affection?

She was breaking her rules… and she couldn't bring herself to stop. How long had it been since they'd been on the _Normandy_ again? An hour? A few weeks? Had they never left? She felt as though she was allowing herself something she had been denied much too long.

Their kiss was consuming, evaporating all her thoughts. She felt his warm hands on her skin and heard his heartbeat, heavy and nearly inaudible above her own. But it wasn't until she felt his weight on top of her, when he gently pushed her further into the bed that she realized where this was going.

Of course, she must've known in her heart what would happen if she called him into her quarters. She had wanted it… maybe she had been banking on him having enough control to stop them? It was unfair of her. She couldn't stop, why should he be able to?

He wanted her just as much as she him, right?

"Shepard…"

The commander could've mistaken it for an expression of bliss, much like she was feeling… but she sensed that there was a sentence in there somewhere.

"Shepard." He said louder, into her ear. His voice was hungry and mumbled through lips that left hot trails up her neck, but she knew he was waiting for a response now.

She ran a hand through his dark hair. "Yes?"

"You know how I feel about you, right?" His face came into a view, and she was stricken by the seriousness in his features. His fingers delved into her hair, cradling her in place while he examined her face.

She suddenly felt self-conscious. She was torn between his need for an answer and her own desire that he had ignited. What game was he playing at?

She felt her brow furrow as she answered. "Yes, of course. And I love you."

He nuzzled her face with his own, the heat from his skin and tenderness of his action quickening her heartbeat again.

"Then please, let me come with you to take down Polaris."

And just like that… her heart stopped. Her breath caught in her throat.

He had noticed, and leaned some of his weight off of her, allowing her to sit up a little.

"I… I can't do that."

Kaidan's eyes beseeched her, implored her to say yes. She could tell it meant a lot to him. It was the only thing that could've stopped what they had been doing in its tracks and demand attention.

"Babe… please." He tried again, running his hand along the skin of her cheek.

Shepard felt herself give in to his touch.

She made herself focus on the conversation, so that he couldn't distract her anymore.

She pulled his hand away from her face and held it in both her own. "Kaidan… besides the fact that I need a good leader on the second team… you know I can't do that. She tried to kill you. I won't just bring you to her on a silver plate."

She hoped there was enough honesty in that statement to camouflage the parts she was hiding.

His eyes searched hers for the truth she would not tell him.

"Shepard, I don't want you going in there without me. I want to protect you. I know it's a lot to ask, and I know its mixing personal life with the mission… but we wouldn't even be on this mission without our relationship, and it's just one little request. Please, consider it?"

She silently said goodbye to the night they had almost had. "Kaidan, please understand."

His eyes hardened, and she saw an emotion she had hoped to go at least another week without witnessing. Suspicion seeped from his dark eyes.

She wondered if he would ever allow her to kiss away his thoughts as he had hers…

Before she recognized what had happened he had stood and walked a few feet away from the bed, then turned to face her. His expression was unreadable, but his eyes were no longer the soft velvet they had been a few moments ago.

Shepard tucked her legs underneath her. She wished he would come back and hold her again. She already missed his warmth.

"What's on your mind, Kaidan?" She asked cautiously.

He hesitated before answering. "You know something."

She tried to dodge the accusation in his voice with playful banter. "I know a lot of things." She flashed a fake smile.

He didn't seem amused.

"You know something about the mission."

She didn't answer this time. She just tried to keep herself from looking too guilty. But he didn't let up.

"Come on, Shepard, you were visually relieved when Sarah didn't want to talk about the mission at lunch today."

Of course she had been relieved. She just hadn't realized he had picked up on it. And she hadn't prepared for this. "Kaidan…"

"Shepard." He crossed his arms across his chest. Her silence was frustrating him.

She hated seeing him angry. It happened so rarely, and she despised being the source of his displeasure. And then she was upset with him too, that he had waited until they were on the brink of no return before bringing it up. It was like he had used sex as a way to get close enough to her to ask his questions. She didn't like the sudden pang of being used.

She tried to remain calm.

"Yeah… okay. Yes, I know something."

"And you kept it from me?" He said, voice getting sterner over time.

"Yes."

"For what reason?"

She had expected him to ask her "what", not "why". It caught her off her guard. "I just… I- can't."

He let out of breath of air that easily meant he was trying to calm himself. Shepard felt a surge of guilt pulse through her veins. But it didn't change anything, she still couldn't tell him.

It wasn't a physical fight she was worried about; he couldn't handle himself in that area. But there had been two incidents in his life now in which a woman had been the cause of the lieutenant losing control of his emotions. Thankfully, Shepard's impact on him seemed to be much more positive then Rahna's.

She wasn't willing to give Rahna the opportunity to change him again like she had all those years ago. Losing the Kaidan that Shepard knew would be… unbearable.

"Shepard, I understand that our relationship had to change when got back on the _Normandy_, but I never, _ever_ suspected you would keep something from me like this."

After a moment he spoke again, this time a mocking tone oozing into his voice that she could've never predicted. "Are you keeping vital information about our mission away from me because of our relationship, Commander?!"

Shepard should have expected that. She had made such a big issue about him letting their relationship effect the mission just fourteen hours ago. And here she was, doing the same thing.

It didn't change her decision. But she could feel the hurt in his voice and it pained her as well. "Kaidan, can't you just look at this like a normal mission and pretend it doesn't matter?"

He glared at her like she was crazy. When he spoke again all evidence pointed to his level of anger: He was livid. "This is not a normal mission Shepard! Someone broke into our home and tried to kill you! Tried to kill me! How can you even think that I could look at this objectively! Worse than that, I still can't get over the fact you're hiding something! I never thought you'd be the one to do something like that!"

"Why can't you just trust me?!" She shot back, letting a little of her own anger slip through.

"Because apparently you don't tell me everything!"

"And you can't even trust that I might have a valid reason?!"

"Not if it's dealing with someone trying to kill us! Not if it causes problems between the two of us! Not if we start letting secrets into our relationship! That is not something I want to be involved in, Shepard!"

She tried very hard to pretend his words hadn't cut her as deeply as they had. She breathed deeply through her nose, and he showed signs that he was trying to calm himself as well.

"You have to know I'm doing this for you." She pleaded with him, begging him to understand.

He took a deep breath and walked back to her. She tried to meet his eyes but it was so hard. She felt guilty, but she knew she couldn't tell him. What could she say to make this better?

She felt the heat radiate off his arms as he set them on either side of her and leaned in, his handsome face achingly close to hers. She wanted to hope that she might feel his arms around her again, but she doubted by the way she could sense him control his emotions that there could be peaceful end to this little interlude.

"And what price are you paying in the process? Is it worth it?" His voice was low, like he wanted to understand. It just made it all the worse.

Of course he was worth it. He was worth the trouble, keeping it from him, keeping him from getting hurt by the cruel woman who left him confused and changed for life. But was it really any better if Shepard was the one to hurt him?

She hated the look in his eyes, like he had been betrayed. But the anger simmered underneath, waiting to boil. There was no way out of this death trap. She would hurt him to protect him. Shepard only knew one way out of this conversation and it was low. Really low. And it would cause a wound that she wouldn't be able to heal for some time.

She tried the gentler way of telling him first. "I can handle this, I've been taking care things all on my own for a long time now, and I've done pretty well so far."

He didn't get it. He didn't understand she was prepared to use her rank against him. She could tell in the way his eyes softened a bit. She wished he would stay angry, wished that he would start yelling at her again… it would make her feel better about what she was about to do.

"And if it hurts?" He asked. He knelt on his knees in front of her, his arms still resting on either side, preventing her from any kind of escape. Commander Shepard didn't like feeling cornered, even by Kaidan. She brought her eyes to him, hoping he could see he couldn't win this argument; that he would have to trust her.

Her retort, her bitter end to the conversation was bubbling inside of her, but she withheld it, captured by how unfair he was being and deceived by the concern in his eyes. She couldn't speak. It was unfair that he would be so desperate to understand something she wouldn't allow herself to explain. It was unfair how calm he was now when she was about to use whatever anger she could cling to against him.

After awhile he sighed and removed his arms from her sides, and reached for her hand with one of his. Shepard was going to pull away before he could make it any harder, but she couldn't do it. His other hand reached under her chin and tilted her head up. She nearly shriveled under his gaze.

"You don't have to be afraid of falling anymore. I'll catch you. If you'd just _let_ me."

His words stung her. They had been so… _Kaidan_. Sweet, selfless and more kind then she deserved. She _hated_ him for that. She finally had the fire she needed to say what she had to. She just prayed he would forgive her later. It was the only way out of this conversation. He couldn't win, she wouldn't tell him about Polaris. She couldn't.

"If you really think about it, I don't _have_ to tell you anything." She couldn't even bring herself to look at him when she said it. She didn't want to see the pain in his beautiful eyes.

His hand whipped away from her like she had electrocuted him. In moments he was across the room again, distress and… disgust etched into his features.

"Are you pulling _rank_ on me!?" The tone of his voice made her heart clench and her stomach squirm. "I... I can't even- what the hell!" Pain flitted across his face.

It was the yell, the anger she had wanted to hear earlier to make her comment easier to say, and easier to take. It did neither.

"Maybe you should go." She said quietly, still not looking at him. She closed her eyes and repeated in her head the vow she took when she got accepted in to the marines over and over again. Anything to focus on other than the sound of his angry breathing.

For the longest time he didn't move. He just stood there, too furious to speak. It made it so much harder. She had to remind herself that there were no other options. She had to do it for him. She reminded herself what Rahna had done to him.

She told herself about what might happen to him now if he knew. She could lose him. He would get his past and trampled feelings drawn out again until it was enough to make him crazy, and her dear Kaidan Alenko would return to his old habits of obsessing over what was right and wrong and what he had done to cause the situation. He would blame himself for Rahna's change of course. Along with the injury Shepard had sustained because of it.

She would willingly eat another round of kronots for Kaidan, but he wouldn't see it like that. In her nightmares, Shepard knew it was very possible, that because he loved her, he may very well leave her, feeling guilty that he put her in danger.

That would be so like Kaidan, putting aside the fact that he loved her, and she him, just to ensure her safety.

It seemed utterly redundant to Shepard. But Kaidan would do it. Give up love for the sake of love.

But isn't that what she was doing? Hurting him to protect him?

The only thing that kept her from blurting out the truth and ruining all her plans was that she couldn't bring herself to unclench her jaw.

After what seemed like hours he shook his head angrily and stormed out of her room.

She waited until the doors to her quarters were fully closed before muttering an apology into the air. It was completely silent when she released her first cry of regret.


	13. No Matter What

**Chapter XIII: No Matter What**

"_It's gotten so late somehow._

_There's gonna be trouble, you know what they said._

_We should've been back by now._

_The thunder is rolling, the sky is black._

_It's gotten so dark somehow._

_There's gonna be danger, God I wish were back._

_We should've been home by now. _

_We should've been home by now…"_

_-No Matter What,_ Meat Loaf

**Kaidan**

For the first time Kaidan was grateful for his new position as Shepard's second in command. It made it that much easier the following day to throw himself into the daily tasks around the ship and try not to focus on his argument with Shepard.

In the end, he was upset with himself. He shouldn't have left her quarters while he'd been angry. And even though he had calmed down some, he still wanted to change her mind.

But by leaving, Kadain had ensured her victory. He couldn't very well bring the topic up again while they were on duty, and by the time "night" came around again and he would be able to talk to her, they would already be back from Syba, and Polaris would be in custody.

So there was nothing he could do. She had won. Not that he had any choice but to obey anyway.

But that didn't soften his resentment. Kaidan was hurt immensely by her decision to leave him in the dark. It made him feel helpless and useless, in addition to a little betrayed. He tried to justify a way to discuss it with her in the four hours it would take to travel to the Hydra system, but he couldn't. If they spoke again, they would only argue more. He would do anything to get her to allow him to come along, but she would still order that he stay behind. And having an argument while on duty was out of the question anyway.

It was entirely unfair.

He nearly made himself blind going over the mission again and again in his head, trying to find loopholes or unexplained motives that would warrant the sensitive information she wasn't telling him. She had claimed whatever it was she was hiding had been for his protection. Whether the decision to protect had been made by a commander or a girlfriend was still in question. He supposed there could be a instance in which it was a commander's best interest to withhold information from his or her lieutenant, but given the personal relevance of this mission, he knew in his heart whatever it was that Shepard was hiding was because of more than a simple "need to know basis".

But nothing had changed as far as the mission was concerned since they'd left the apartments. She hadn't learned anything new since then to make her so cautious. What could it be then?

Despite the migraine he knew would come with over thinking the situation, he obsessed over it all morning. He busied himself, and Shepard appeared to be doing the same thing, because he only caught glimpses of her so far through the day.

The only comfort he had he took in knowing that at the end of the day it would be over. And he would know one way or another what it was she had been hiding.

* * *

**Shepard**

Shepard was frustrated. This was the longest argument she'd ever shared with Kaidan.

Life had been so much easier when she hadn't been in love. She'd thought clearly, without hesitation, and without question.

Now, she thumped angrily in the garage of the _Normandy_, working on the Mako, pretending she knew how to tinker with mechanics. She had to keep her hands busy until they reached Syba. It was the only way she could hope to keep her sanity.

She tried her hardest not to dwell on the haunting face of Kaidan. He had been stricken, hurt, and she had done it intentionally. Would he forgive her? Could she forgive herself?

Kaidan Alenko was sweet, strong, and yet the most gentle man she had ever met. He didn't deserve what she had given him.

Though being back on the _Normandy_ had strained their relationship, them being unable to touch and to hold- it had in some ways strengthened it. Though she could not hold him or tell him, she knew to what extent she loved him now.

She was feeling things, doing things, and saying things she had never dreamed were possible. In her life she had witnessed the strength of honor, the valor in having a cause, the reward in saving lives, and the true purpose of a soldier. She had seen her family suffer, her friends die, and her career progress. And always there was one road to choose, one way that was always right, and she _always_ knew which path it was.

But this was confusing and painful for her. She had loved only once before, but never like this. Never this strongly, never so intensely that she would change her own morals, or break the regulations that until a few months ago had paved the road of her very existence.

Things were not black and white as they had once been… everything now had two sides, and both were complicated, intricate, yet fuzzy like radio static, and it left her frustrated.

And now she stood next to the Mako, trying to tighten the reinforced side. But the turny thingy wouldn't fit on the doo-hickey thing (she of course had no clue what they were named). Would nothing go right? After accidently slamming her knuckles against the unyielding frame she growled, finally letting the suppressed anger sound itself. It fueled her and she threw the tool against the vehicle and cursed.

"Problems?" Sarah had slipped quietly behind her and raised an eyebrow at the commander.

Shepard quickly composed herself for the recruit. She was surprised, and relieved to have Sarah around. They hadn't spoken since lunch the previous day and that hadn't gone so well.

"Is it that obvious?" Shepard tried to say as diplomatically as possible, rubbing her hurt knuckles. She was trying not to grump too much. Sarah looked amused.

"Look, I know I'm the new kid on the block but let's be honest, ma'am. As far as technology goes, if it's not a rifle you don't know which end it up."

Once again Shepard was grateful for the young woman's sense of humor. But she was saddened by the reminder. "Garrus… used to work on this thing all the time. I'm just pretending."

Shepard turned back to the Mako and started putting the few tools she had dragged out unceremoniously away in the same fashion. Sarah stepped around her and mimicked her movements, putting the mechanical devices away more gently.

"We'll get there in time, Skipper." She said softly.

Shepard froze. It was the words she needed to hear. The reassurance she craved. And Shepard wished she'd heard it many months ago, on Virmire. And then she understood why Sarah had said it.

"Williams-"

Sarah stopped her. "I've had time to think now, Commander."

Shepard had known this was coming. Sarah had been too close to Ashley. She would need to talk about it.

"I hate you." Sarah said calmly. "You let Ashley die."

Shepard stilled, unaware that she had ceased breathing.

Sarah remained surreally calm, her voice steady and fluid. "I wish Ashley had never been assigned to the _Normandy_. I wish she were still here. I wish she hadn't gone with the Salarians. I wish you could've saved her."

Shepard felt the strength behind her own eyes weaken in agreement.

"But I forgive you."

Shepard's gaze flashed to Sarah. In a moment she remembered that humans required oxygen to survive and she gasped for the air she had rejected for the previous minute. It was the words that pushed shameful tears dangerously close to the surface. The commander strained against them. But her breathing was not a smooth as she would've liked.

"How?"

It was all she could manage to push through her frozen throat. Shepard had taken much longer to forgive herself. She had never dared expect Sarah might be so willing.

"Ash told me so many stories; spoke so many of praises of you that I began to think I knew you. My sister loved you, and so I love you.

"I had never been supportive of her joining the marines." Sarah added quietly. "I hated that she was away, and left our mother with only us younger girls. We didn't know what it took to run a family. Ashley had held us together… I'd never told her how proud I was to have her as a sister.

"I want to make her proud too. Let me fight alongside you as she did. Please, I know I'm young, but would you welcome me as you did her?"

Shepard took Sarah's hand in her own and shook it with conviction. "Sarah Williams, would you do me the great honor of become a part of my team?"

Sarah had already been approved and had accepted the offer to join the _Normandy_ crew. Shepard had dealt with the paperwork earlier that morning in her attempt to avoid remembering Kaidan's hurt expression. But Shepard couldn't think of anything else to say. It seemed to fit, and Sarah actually smiled. "It'd be a privilege, ma'am."

Shepard let herself break her commander boundaries and hug Sarah.

"Thank you." They said together, laughing to relieve the tension that had filled the air.

Shepard felt… content. Glad that Sarah had called on her, blamed her for what Shepard felt responsible for, and found closure. And Shepard felt a part of her own scarred heart heal.

"Now," Sarah said lightly, motioning to the Mako, "what's all this about?"

Shepard scoffed. Had she been so transparent?

"I'm using it as a distraction." Shepard admitted, sighing tiredly.

Sarah nudged the stored tools away slowly, as if trying to decipher if the comment was an invitation for discussion. After a moment it seemed she decided, and she turned to Shepard, crossing her arms and leaning against the side of the Mako. "Is this about the LT?"

Shepard didn't answer immediately. She breathed deeply and rotated herself to lean her back against the vehicle as well and tilted her head back.

"Skipper," Sarah said when Shepard didn't say anything, "you both have been tromping around the ship all morning, and not once have I seen you so much as smile at each other."

Shepard glanced at the teens understanding face and found nothing threatening. "Yeah… okay. Sure," she finally conceded, "but it'll be over soon. When the mission is complete."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because _that's_ the problem."

"Look, I don't make a habit of discussing Kaidan with my crew. It makes things awkward."

"I can understand that, Skipper." Sarah said carefully. "I just thought it might do you some good to talk to _someone _about it… I know you're trying to keep it all in, but with all due respect, sometimes it come off as…" Sarah's face changed, as if she were unsure of if her she were about to go too far. "Detached. I apologize if I've overstepped my boundaries, ma'am. I just can see what you're trying to put off. Both of you… and I don't see how that can be healthy."

Shepard raised her eyebrow at the young woman. "Is the rest of the crew as perceptive as you?"

Sarah shook her head. "I doubt it. I think they are pretending they don't know anything, which is basically how you're treating them. The crew knows you two are together, and I'm sure they noticed the difference this morning, but they try hard not to talk about it too much. Almost as hard as you." She teased.

"If I have to remind myself that this is my career and duty too often during the day, then I'm a sorry excuse for an employee." Shepard said reasonably.

"And that's why you don't talk about it? Commander, the crew doesn't see it that way. I have been on this ship for almost two weeks now, and I can tell in the way they serve you. They all love, respect, and revere you. Are you so eager to separate them from yourself?"

"I have to."

"Skipper, I'll admit… this 'Reapers' stuff, it scares the living crap out of me. But everyone on this ship is going to the same end, whether victorious or not. They have the same goal, same hopes, and same risks. That's got to count for something right? I mean, after scuttlebutt got around that Jones and I had been officially added the crew there was a huge response."

"What do you mean?" Shepard's brow furrowed.

"Well, when we first joined, it was like the _Normandy_ was a loop we just couldn't get into. But now that we know… we have a bond with these people. You above all people should understand that this is more than just a crew. You've got the closest team that I've ever run into. Of course, my experience is limited."

Sarah spoke admiringly of Shepard's crewmen, and it made her proud. "But don't let it go to your head Williams. This is still a job. We have a higher purpose. Despite the connection we have, on paper were still just a bunch of people wrapped in two megatons of metal all wearing the same uniform."

Sarah nodded. "Understood, ma'am. But if you ever need to talk…"

Shepard smiled. "Acknowledged, Sarah."

Joker's voice crackled over the comm system. "Commander Shepard, we're twenty minutes out from Syba, ma'am."

Immediately Commander Shepard returned her focus. "Have the two teams report to the cargo bay. Head straight for the drop point. We've wasted enough time.

"Come on, Williams." Shepard added to the woman next to her. "Time for you to meet a very good turian friend of mine."

* * *

**Kaidan**

Kaidan stood in the cargo bay twenty five minutes later feeling anxious. There was a lot more room for the seven fully armored and equipped people here than in the airlock. However, he still seemed to be almost too close to Shepard's right.

She was repeating the plan one last time. Hike in from the lake, take out the guard patrolling the outside and split up once inside. She would take Jones and Williams to track down Polaris, and he would lead the other three to find where Garrus was held.

And there was nothing he could do about it.

He began to wrap himself in resentment again. Until Drellis' young voice finally broke through the invisible veil and into Alenko's thoughts.

"Be careful, Commander. Garrus underestimated her. If something happens to you we're all in trouble."

Kaidan had been so caught up, so angry that Shepard 'protecting him from danger' that he hadn't thought about the other side: the amount of danger she was putting herself in.

She really cared about him.

He knew that, but was it really worth putting herself in more danger? He needed to be there, to fight with her. He couldn't trust anyone else to take care of her, protect her as determinedly as he would. No matter how much the others on the crew cared for her, he could not trust them to sacrifice as he would to save her if she got in over her head. And it made him uneasy.

His anger evaporated as the cargo bay door opened and he could see the lake's edge spanning beneath the _Normandy_. He didn't think about what he was doing. All he knew was Shepard wasn't going to allow him to come with her, and he wouldn't be able to protect her. And he couldn't let her go thinking he was angry, even if he was.

"Shepard." He said quickly before she took her first step to the open door.

She turned to him and in one swift motion he wrapped one arm around her waist and kissed her. It was a little longer than the innocent peck she had given him in the airlock before the previous mission, but he wanted to make sure he got his point across.

He pulled away quickly and put his helmet on to hide any evidence of a blush.

Shepard cocked an eyebrow in amusement. She had obviously been surprised.

He searched her eyes for a sign of understanding. Their gaze met and with an electric crackle as he pushed his message out to her. _Be careful, Shepard_. He thought, not tearing himself away from her eyes.

She nodded so slightly, he wondered if he'd imagined it.

He heard Wrex grumble something about humans but ignored it. Kaidan still felt the tension between himself and Shepard, and they would still have a long discussion after the mission about what had happened between them, but in the meantime the anger had lessoned a little and he felt the atmosphere return to its normal feeling of camaraderie. He felt the slightest bit comforted.

"Let's move out." Shepard ordered taking a lunge out the door. In a moment, she disappeared over the lip of the lowered ramp.

He followed, the others at his heels, and leapt into the sun light. He was temporary blinded by the light, then there was a splash as he landed, water sloshing up his legs. Tali landed deftly to his left, and Sarah landed sturdily on the other side, followed by two more splooshes. Wrex's unmistakable burst of water was the last he heard and they began wading to the shore.

Shepard was already at the edge of the forest. It wasn't until he was five feet from her he realized something was wrong. She went kind of rigid and her eyes were darting through the wilderness. He looked around trying to see what it was that held her attention.

The forest filtered a green tinge into the light, and thick leafy trees surrounded them on all sides, exotic flowers and ferns covering the ground. There was a hum of life coming from the trees. In front of the tree line stood two great moss covered masses of rock, each standing eight hundred feet into the air. They were so covered in flora that they looked like just another part of the forest, but Shepard was staring at them, a look on her face that he couldn't comprehend.

Tali came to his left, her omni tool glowing over her arm. "According to the coordinates the base is in…"

"This direction." Shepard said sounding shockingly sure. She did not break her gaze from the two pillars of rock.

Tali looked up from her omni tool and Kaidan imagined a confused expression behind her glossy mask. It probably matched his own befuddled contortion. "Yes… actually."

"Commander?" Sarah asked curiously.

Shepard still didn't turn away. "Drellis… that prothean ruin we saw on the maps, you said there was a good chance that the base had been built there?"

"Well, given that there are no other structures listed on any of our maps from _any_ of our resources…"

"Of course it is." Shepard said, taking a deep breath. "This way."

Kaidan caught the inquiring look in Franklin's eye.

"Ma'am?" The pale man asked, trying to discover what it was she had been examining.

"Trust me." Shepard said, already moving. "We have to hurry. I don't want Garrus in there any longer than he has to be.

Kaidan jogged to catch up to her, he could hear the others lumbering after him. Once he was next to the commander he matched her pace. She walked directly between the two stone pillars.

"What is it?" He asked her under his breath.

"It's those dreams." She said quietly to him, meeting his eyes for a moment. Somewhere in Kaidan's mind lit a smile that he was the only one who knew of her dreams in detail. She didn't often share them. "The Reapers attacked here. I know this place. The forest has been growing long enough to cover what's left of this part of the ruin, but I would bet a year's salary any readouts will say there is hard stone and cement about five feet down and to the left and right for about ten feet on either side." She said it like she was disconnected from this world, like she was seeing her surroundings from a different dimension. Whatever she was seeing amonst the trees, it wasn't part of the scene he gazed on.

Kaidan glanced to Tali who consulted the readings on her orange appendage before nodding silently. What were they on? A skyway? He wished he could see the quarian's face so maybe he wouldn't feel so ridiculous about his own expression.

The whole group was quiet in contemplation of whatever it was Shepard was experiencing. He knew more about her nightmares than anyone else, and knew better then to interrupt her thoughts. She watched where she was going, but he could tell she wasn't _seeing_.

Tali could've easily used her navigational programs and grid maps to dictate their direction and path, but she didn't offer any advice. The whole group seemed to trust their leader in whatever alternate reality she was envisioning.

He imagined what was in her head, and concernedly wondered how she would go about following the path without reliving the carnage that usually came in her prothean visions. She would walk in seemingly straight lines, stepping dexterously around any plants in her way and returning again to her original path, never wandering more than a few feet to either side.

For hours they hiked, no one interrupting the commander's mysterious thoughts. She would go straight for miles, and then slowly, as if following an invisible yellow brick road, she would turn. Never sharply, but slowly… whatever road she was following was widely set.

They trudged on. The only calming aspect of Kaidan's unsettling journey was watching Shepard's smooth purposeful movements. He let his mind wander as he witnessed how gracefully she ducked under the fallen trees, admiring her agility as she hopped over the lower obstacles, using one arm to throw herself over the obstruction. In contrast to her motions the other humans sounded like a bunch of elephants tromping through the trees. They were loud and clumsy.

Sarah was keeping up to him and Shepard pretty good, her steady march sturdy and deliberate.

Tali was light and quick, her and Drellis both having a few thousand years of evolution on the humans. Wrex had been an assassin, and was capable of silent travel, Kaidan knew. But the krogan did not care much for his surroundings and thundered through the trees.

Shepard didn't seem concerned about the noise. Until after about three hours of crunching between trees and bushes. She finally turned to address the group. "We're close. They expect us some time, but I don't want them to know we're here until the last possible moment.

"Alenko."

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Stay here with the team. I've got an idea."

He nodded and looked around, making sure the others heard.

"And stay quiet." Shepard added. "They're about five minutes that way." She pointed in the direction they had been headed.

"Drellis, you know your way around a sniper rifle?" She addressed the turian, unlatching her own spectre issue sniper.

Drellis nodded, a curious scowl on his face. Kaidan grinned to himself. He forgot how strange it was for the newer members to not understand what was going on in Shepard's head. The woman thought so quickly and efficiently. It was better for everyone to just trust in her actions.

"You and Williams follow me." Shepard said to him.

She then gestured to Kaidan that they were leaving. "Stay here, stay quiet."

"Yes, ma'am."

He had stopped trying to figure her out long ago. Well… as far as her military tactics went.

* * *

**Shepard**

Shepard flitted quickly through the trees, Drellis and Williams hurrying to keep up. She leapt easily over the stumps in a wide perimeter of where she knew the base to be.

Never before had her nightmares been so useful. She had a new advantage now. She knew the layout more that Rahna would expect.

She didn't offer an explanation to anyone in the team. She figured it was easier for them if they didn't think she was insane.

She began running uphill, along the edge of a hill that had been only a dirt mound in the time of the protheans. They hit the edge of forest sooner then she had expected. It opened into a clearing. And in the center of the clearing was a structure of relatively small proportions. She signaled the other two to halt and she put slid back against a tree.

She peered around the edge and examined the building. It was a lot smaller than she would've expected it to be. She had thought Rahna's base would be closer to a fortress, and this was a small runt of a building.

Shepard could see where the destroyed prothean ruin stopped- just a few feet from ground level- and the man-made structure began in a dustier brown stone. Little of the original prothean building had survived the blast from her vision, but the blue grey metal stuck out of the ground to meld with the newly built structure.

She next observed the buildings defenses, counting off targets in her head. There were two man-operated turrets, a human standing ready at each one. And there were two entrances: a closed cargo area, and a well guarded front entrance. The doors were reinforced with thick looking metal and two very big men with guns.

Shepard counted eight additional armed targets in front of the base, talking quietly amongst themselves, rifles slung lazily in their arms. They were a mix of races, mostly human, but among them were two krogan and a turian.

She slithered against the tree again and turned away from the base. She gestured to Sarah and nodded her head to the tree next to her.

Sarah hopped to the indicated cover and put her back to it as well.

"Hit the two manning the defense turrets first, then the guards on the door." Shepard whispered to the marine. Sarah already had slipped her sniper rifle out of its place on her hardsuit. "Keep moving, and don't let them get a lock on you. We'll take out the ones in front."

Sarah nodded in understanding.

Shepard then gestured for Drellis to follow her to a second spot. "Don't do anything until I give the signal." She added to Sarah before disappearing through the trees again with Drellis.

She found a suitable perch for Drellis about a hundred meters away. She gave him the same instructions and then returned to the rest of the group.

She padded through the underbrush until she reached them, hidden among the foliage. "Let's go." She said briskly, leading them to the base.

As she predicted in about five minutes they were in place, the five remaining members taking cover behind solid looking trees.

Her hand slid to her comm. "We're in position, snipers in place?"

"Affirmative."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Okay," Shepard glided her assault rifle into her arms. "Remember, defense turrets first or they'll mow us down. Once we're done here we'll have to move quickly."

Shepard crouched low, already locking on to a chattering target. The others took similar motions silently.

"We'll have to wait until you take out the turret-men, so you'll have to kill them quickly. Take aim…"

The world slowed as she imagined somewhere two sniper rifles narrowing in on their targets in unison.

"Fire."

Lights flashed through the clearing and there was an explosion of noise. There were screams and exclamations.

"We're under attack!"

"Where are they?!"

"Do you see them?!"

Shepard raised her focus above the noise and searched for the scene. Both men that had been manning the turrets were down. _Excellent shot_. She sent out to her praise to her two snipers before narrowing her eyes with purpose.

"Move! Move!" She yelled, lunging out from behind the trees. She squeezed the trigger on her rifle, ammo screaming through the air. The first target went down quickly, still disoriented by the suddenness of it all. Three others fell easily before the enemy began their own organized attack.

Shepard darted between the trees at the forests edge, making sure at least one more died before she changed positions again.

The fight was short. The enemy had been caught by total surprise.

Shepard led the storm to the base, gunning down anyone in her path. Neither Wrex nor Alenko had had to use any biotics.

"Perimeter clear, ma'am." Kaidan said after he had made certain the last of them were dead.

"Drellis, Williams, come join us." Shepard said into her comm unit.

She walked over to the nearest body, one of the humans, laying face down in the dirt and greenery. Kaidan met her there. She switched to her pistol while he toed the body over.

Shepard focused on the face. She wasn't fond of killing period, but despite her diplomatic outlook on aliens, killing humans was always harder. She wondered who he had been, and how he got wrapped up in this mess. Why had he allied himself with Polaris? What benefit did he seek to reap?

"Commander," Alenko said crouching down to the body and brushing a gloved hand over the right breast, wiping away a puff of sandy dirt.

There against the grey armor was a strange symbol. She had seen it once before. She had thought it had been krogan writing… she had been wrong.

"Son of a bitch." She said, kicking the body with enough force to make Alenko back up.

"What?" Sarah asked, coming from behind her. It only took her a moment to recognize the strange symbol as well. "Wait a second, isn't that the same sign that those krogan on Vebinok wore?"

Jones nodded, standing at Williams side.

"Next move, ma'am?" Alenko asked her. He hadn't been very successful at hiding the hope in his voice.

"It changes nothing." She said sternly, looking around at the group. "Stick to the plan. We have to hurry. They know we're here now, and Garrus is about to outlive his usefulness."


	14. I'd Lie For You

**Chapter XIV: I'd Lie For You**

"_I'd lie for you and that's the truth,_

_Do anything you ask me to._

_I'd even sell my soul for you,_

_I'd do it all for you_

_If you'd just believe in me."_

_-I'd Lie For You, _Meat Loaf

**Shepard**

Shepard burst through the double doors, rifle shrieking. She shot the hell out of the walls, but successfully disabled the three guards that had lined the hall.

As Shepard had predicted, the two humans and one turian had expected a tactical approach, and had been shocked into the second of hesitation that Shepard had needed to fire her gun in a wild radius around her.

With the lack of both precision and true targets, none of the guards were dead. But they lay slumped against the wall, incapacitated.

Once Shepard released the initial firing round, Jones darted in with Drellis at his heels. The others hadn't been able to enter yet before the first three had officially decommissioned the guards.

Shepard returned her assault rifle to its hardpoint and replaced it with her pistol.

"Damn, Commander." Jones exclaimed, glancing around the room.

Shepard looked up from checking the modification packs in her weapon to examine her work. Most of the wall was brick and stone but there had been equipment, vid-screens, glass windows, and extranet consoles scattered in the room.

In fact, now that Shepard could get a good look at her surroundings, her brow furrowed. She was standing in what looked like an office full of cubicles. The adjoining rooms were separated from this one with glass walls, and there was a huge hanging tapestry on the back wall, the same strange symbol she'd seen on the guards and krogan emblazoned on the black fabric with silver.

The room was large. And utterly out of place.

Shepard had almost felt like she was fighting in a civilian territory, not in some obscure structure on an even more obscure backwater rock in the Hydra system.

The only thing that seemed completely normal was that you could tell Shepard had been there. Most of the room was either chipped, cracked or shattered.

"I like it." Drellis said impishly. Shepard quirked an eyebrow at the young turian, who only shrugged at her innocently.

"We can't linger. We need to find the holding cells." Tali said, standing next to Shepard.

"Agreed." Shepard scanned the room but there was only one set of doors on the other end of the room. "Make sure those rooms are clear." She said without further instruction. She merely nodded to the sectional adjacent offices.

They were all small, and were all a distraction to keep the rest of her team busy.

She padded her way to the only set of doors. She was both relieved and uneasy when she found no resistance in the hall that lie beyond. If the enemy wasn't here, then where were they?

The hall split. Shepard appraised both directions looking for anything that might indicate where they led. Both doors were identical. Quickly Shepard made a decision and headed towards the right.

She sprinted to the lip of the doorway before the doors slid open with a whir.

Immediately weapon fire filled the hall to attack the space directly in front of the door. Shepard crouched, safely tucked behind edge of door jam.

When the firing stopped and she could hear the hum of confused murmurs she armed a non lethal flash grenade (in case they had hostages) and chucked it through the doorway.

After the blinding light receded, she dove into the room. She established cover behind an overturned card table before firing on the disoriented 'fish in a barrel.'

When the grenade smoke cleared Shepard stood. The room was more barren and primitive than the shiny front center room. Useless possessions littered the room that was clearly a guard post. The far wall held the stairs heading down she had been looking for. The prison cells were most-likely subterranean.

She smiled to herself. Modern architecture was so cookie-cutter predictable. No personality at all.

"I still wish you would change your mind about this."

Shepard hadn't jumped, but her heart stopped when she realized someone else was in the room with her.

Kadain appeared beside her, gun pointed at the ground in front of him while he spoke.

She didn't look at him. If she did he might break her.

"Get Garrus out. And any other prisoners they might have holed up down there."

She turned to meet the team filing in.

"Jones and Williams, let's go. We'll leave the downstairs to this group." _Least likely place Rahna would be, right? _

If she was wrong, there would be hell to pay. But Shepard had always been intuitive about that kind of stuff. She was just hoping her eomtions wouldn't cloud her otherwise sound judgment.

"Yes, ma'am." Franklin said, falling in step behind her. Sarah silently followed.

* * *

Shepard seized her portion of the base with little trouble. Franklin and Sarah were brilliantly coordinated, and there were surprisingly few real threats. They had successfully hit the base fast and hard, catching most its occupants by surprise.

The more of the building Shepard saw, the more she began to fear that this wasn't the main base. There were cells, a mess hall, and a series of rooms designated to carry out small time crime operations, but nothing that suggested the resources Polaris would need to maintain a full on syndicate. She must hold some type of power in order to secure an allegiance with a group of krogan. And to capture that quarian flotilla ship.

In fact, Rahna seemed to be interested in something a lot larger than messing with Lieutenant Alenko. He was beginning to look less like an objective target and more like a convenient side stop on the way to her goal.

It was all still odd to relate all this back to a woman who had been described as shy and sweet. Successful leaders, weather malicious or virtuous, were charismatic, determined, and always at least a little harsh.

Had Shepard not seen the woman's fierce expression, the wildness in her robin's egg eyes, she might never have believed that the young woman Kaidan had once known was capable of the events now taking place.

"Hey, Commander!" Sarah's voice interrupted Shepard's thoughts forty minutes into the base.

Sarah was in one of the adjoining cubicle type offices. Most the rooms had been so similar the team had developed a very smooth system. Sarah always scouted the tiny glass cubical to the right, Jones to left, and Shepard would press on. The others would join her not even a minute later.

Now Shepard stepped into the office on her right. "What is it?"

Once inside it was obvious that this one was different. It had nicer tech gear, and there was more to this office. Now that Shepard looked, she was sure the room itself was slightly larger. She'd been so into her thoughts she hadn't caught the difference.

But what was most intriguing about this room was that along the side wall hung a glass bulletin board, on which solid copies- _paper_- were taped haphazardly. Hard copies weren't common with the technology of modern society, but it was immediately apparent that this series of documents and papers were printed only to be marked and noted on. There were dates and names on most of the assorted pictures, files, receipts and even downloaded newspaper clippings.

That is where Sarah stood, nose inches from the board while she scrutinized one of the photos. "Oh _shit_. Commander, you'd better take a look at this!"

"What?" Shepard scowled and strode up to the young woman.

Shepard had noticed when she walked in that the wall was cluttered. But now, standing next to it, and being able to see what the clips were actually illustrating, she felt ill.

They all had to do with her and the lieutenant. Together. Very few of the articles were for the individuals.

It was disturbing. Shepard could see the entire history of her relationship with Kaidan over the last six months spread out in front of her eyes.

There was a picture of Shepard speaking at the initial press conference that took place after the attack on the citadel. She had her fractured arm tucked into her side while she spoke. At first she thought she had been the subject of the image. But there _he_ was, smiling at her from her right while she talked to the reporters.

Involuntarily, Shepard smiled at his perfect posture and the humble and generous attitude that radiated from his friendly face. The expression was one of adoration, and she wished that had been the face she had left him with earlier, in place of the defeated, hurt, and confused one he had attempted- with no success- to cover up.

Next to it was a hard copy of the article written by Emily Wong, amid some other –less well known- writer's interpretation of the story.

After that it was nothing short of alarming. There were other images and notes pasted on the glass that had never been public. The photos were shot at awkward angles, like whoever had taken them had tried very hard to go unnoticed.

There were pictures of her and Kaidan working on the reconstruction sites, along with images taken during their traditional nightly walks through the wards and viewing center to see the nebula.

There was at least one picture of every date they'd ever been on during leave (though there were few). She recognized the Flux dance floor, the Zeta bar, and another restaurant they'd tried that she had never learned the name of.

And even more compelling was a copy of the lease her and Kaidan had signed to get their apartment. Their address and personal information stood in bold black and white. It was right next to a picture of their antique-style front door.

Shepard's stomach plummeted.

They had been followed.

Not by Rahna, she would've been too recognizable. But someone, most likely a small group of people, had been tailing their lives for months.

And she hadn't noticed. She should have! Shepard should've known within the first week.

Kaidan too; they were both much too experienced to have fallen so easily to subjection.

But they hadn't paid attention. These pictures had been taken while they were together- when they had been most distracted and least alert.

With all this, and assuming now that Rahna had been after something larger than Kaidan, Shepard wondered if she herself had not been the target all along.

_This may have everything to do with me. Did _I_ put _him_ in danger?_

It was Shepard's unwanted celebrity status that forced her relationship with Kaidan into the public eye… if they weren't together, Rahna might not have known where to look for him, or how to get to him. She may not even have had a reason to.

"Whoa."

Shepard turned her head to see Jones examining one of the images with eyebrows raised. "Score one for the LT!"

"What?" Shepard said again, leaning over to see the picture.

It was one at Flux. They were dancing closely; to what Shepard could tell must've been a faster song.

It must've been the night Kaidan had tried that new salarian drink. In the photo he seemed a lot less inhibited then he usually was. Judging by how she was all over him as well, she must've been a little tipsy too.

Seeing their happy faces and flirty body language, Shepard felt a fleeting feeling of longing for the physical relationship the two had been so comfortably enjoying some weeks ago.

She fought the feeling and silently cursed the picture for mocking her, reminding her of the frustrating position she was in.

Good picture though.

Shepard ripped it from the wall. "Alright, alright… yes, your commander had a social life." She pressured the two recruits to the door. "Now come on, we must be close."

She quickly directed them out of the room and tucked the picture into a side pocket on her armor.

Shepard felt a wave of relief when she turned away from the collage of her recent past. She couldn't deal with seeing how relatively carefree and easy and open their relationship had been. How long had it been since Shepard had been able to so openly express her feelings for him?

_Focus, Shepard. _

She led them through the door at the far end of the room, which opened into a widest hallway. At the end of which was the high peaked set of doors Shepard had been hoping to find. The grandeur of the doors very easily spoke of a room with important significance. Or at least, Shepard hoped so.

Shepard and her team were halfway down the walk when the lights shut down and the hum of generators died.

"What the hell!?" The male of the group exclaimed. Shepard couldn't see her hand two feet in front of her face, let alone Jones, but it sounded like both him and Sarah had stopped advancing. She adjusted her grip on her pistol a listened intently for signs of company.

Suddenly she was blinded by a flash of… was it purple light? It had almost been too quick to register color. It had been bright, garish, and an almost offensive shade of pink. And damn fast. It was there and then it was gone. Shepard didn't even catch which direction it went it. It had been harsh against the blackness of the hallway.

Shepard reached out a hand to the wall and flipped her back against it. She took comfort in knowing there was only solid stone behind her.

"Did anyone else see that light?" She asked into the dark. The breathless "yeses" came short and solid.

Finally the light sensors of Shepard helmet picked up on the darkness and her sight came back with a green tinge as her night vision slid over her helmet visor.

As Shepard's eyes adjusted to the visor setting, the other helmets flickered on. She felt comforted at the sight of her team's faces in the suffocating black.

"Do you think the others have power?" Sarah asked.

Shepard lifted her hand to her link. "Alenko, you guys alright?"

There was no reply.

"Lieutenant Alenko, come in." She tried again.

Silence.

Shepard's gut twisted in worry. "Come on, Kaidan." She whispered into the empty link.

"I'm sure he's fine." Sarah offered generously. "Maybe Joker-"

"Joker." Shepard called into the link, a step ahead of Sarah's sentence.

Nothing on that end either. They were talking into a void. Something was blocking the transmission, and they were on their own.

"What now, Commander?" Jones asked, his voice calm in an almost soothing way. Shepard almost smiled at him. With nerves like that he might make a decent leader himself someday.

"We keep pressing forward and hope the others do the same."

The darkness left an ominous feeling in the hallway, and Shepard crept across the tiled floor. She was afraid that whatever power outage that had occurred would automatically lock down all security doors, but the two metal sheets whoosed open as if everything were normal.

The room beyond was large and furniture lined the walls. Shepard didn't get a good look at her surroundings in the darkness, because her attention was immediately drawn to a holo console at the head of the room. It was the same model that was linked into the _Normandy_ for contact with council. And in it stood a projection of a petite, fit, and exquisitely beautiful woman.

The orange light distorted her features as it struggled to maintain a signal in whatever it was that was suppressing Shepard's link. But Shepard had memorized the person's face so well that it didn't matter. That same hateful expression had haunted her dreams. The orange projection did nothing to hide where Shepard imagined the bright piercing eyes, and ethereal windless wave of platinum hair.

"I know who you are." Shepard said right off. She was trying to be diplomatic, maybe convince Rahna that she understood, though she was careful not to say the woman's true name aloud.

The holograph smiled, and the console beeped. "Voice recognition complete. Transmitting message now."

"Damn, it's a recording." Sarah said from somewhere to Shepard's left.

The image of Polaris smiled wickedly and Shepard crossed her arms.

"Commander Shepard, I knew you'd come." The female's voice was disturbingly sweet and laced with cruelty. The woman's tone matched the disposition of a ruthless and seasoned criminal.

"I see now that it is inevitable that we should meet, though I won't grant you the pleasure today. Not just everything is in place yet. Surely you can understand the importance of timing."

"Arrogant blonde bitch from hell." Sarah snarled at console. Shepard turned to her.

"Well, she is!" Williams defended.

The recording pressed on. "In fact you just missed me. Too bad. But I'm sure it will work out for the better. After all, I would love for you to come visit my compound on Jaynen. It's only fair for you to see what it is I'm working towards, and I would be delighted to share it with you. You should at least know what it is your death will be worth."

On the other side of her Shepard heard a weapon hum and warm up. "_Dead_ blonde bitch from hell."

Shepard didn't tear herself away from the message to reply to Jones's comment. She was hoping that there was something- anything in the message that could help them.

"Not that I could really expect you to understand." The woman drawled. For a recording, she sure stalled a lot.

"Why are you doing this?" Shepard asked, knowing she wouldn't get an answer.

"Alenko would understand. Of course, that is… if he were still alive."

Shepard couldn't control the freezing of all her organs: Her blood, her brain, her lungs… her heart.

No… Rahna couldn't have gotten that far… she couldn't have reached him. Not unless…

She was already in the lower part of the base when they had attacked. Shepard had _sent_ him to his death.

"Of course, I tried to get him to see reason," the hologrammed continued as if talking about the weather, "but you know men; they only think their way is right and blah blah blah. I really wished he would've listened. Killing him is such a waste. He really was handsome, wasn't he?"

Shepard's body was taking over. It was shaking, arguing that none of it was true. Her mind frantically worked to convince herself that he was fine. Because if he wasn't…

"I could've left him to one of my men of course, but I mean what difference does it make who it is that splatters Alenko's blood on the walls, anyway? At least I got a chance to talk to him. I can't imagine what it's like… _Not getting to say what you wanted to before he died_…"

Shepard swallowed. Her mind went blank in its effort to shield her from thoughts that made her capable of crimes against the galaxy. She had faced enough horror in her life to know how to postpone the inevitable breakdown. For now she was so angry she could feel the edge of her pistol digging into the skin of her hand _through her armor_. Her jaw clenched so tight her skull ached and she was seeing red in her vision.

"Maybe you can tell me all about it when you come visit me on Jaynen. I'll even let you bury him here if it will give you closure before your own death. That is… if you can find enough of him to bury."

The words were barbaric, and were said in such composed mockery that Shepard could no longer keep herself calm. The renegade ass-kicking ruthless side of Shepard broke through.

Rahna was still speaking, but it couldn't be heard over the piercing sounds of Shepard's pistol firing over and over again through the face of the projected image and denting the wall behind it. When the gun beeped in exhaustion, Shepard screamed and instead went after the console itself.

She was blind in her fury, kicking and clawing at wires and metal, the sickening malicious voice breaking and skipping until the device finally gave out. And still she pounded.

"Shepard!" Sarah's voice didn't penetrate the red cloud of hate. Shepard felt the woman's hands on her arm, but in her rage Shepard fought back. She must have hit the young girl because Sarah retreated and Shepard continued her fight against metal and plastic.

"Franklin, hold her!"

Shepard was strong, even for a marine, but Jones was young, durable, and he easily overpowered her.

"Commander." He said sternly while she fought against him. He had his arms locked around her shoulders, limiting her wind up as she tried to hit him.

The red in her sight receded and she finally became aware of where she was and what she was doing. All three of them were breathing hard.

Frankin backed off respectfully but still held her shoulders under his gloved palms.

"It's okay." He said calmly. She was immediately taken with the bold way he met her eyes. "She's just messing with you. It's okay."

Shepard's voice bubbled below the surface of her anger. Her heart pounded in her chest as her lungs beat against her ribcage.

"Not until I see him, it's not." It was the first time she'd admitted in the field how important he was to her. And now, it might not matter.

"Shepard, there's another hallway over here." Sarah started. Shepard recognized the tactic. Williams was trying to get her to refocus her energy on anything else.

"It's alright, Sarah. You and I will get it. The commander needs to rendezvous with the other team to see how things are going." Jones said it calmly and without breaking eye contact with his commander.

Shepard felt a surge of gratitude toward him. He was offering her a way out. He was keeping her together.

He was damn near her favorite person.

"Yes." She said nodding in understanding. She hoped he knew how much it meant to her.

Sarah didn't say anything, and Shepard sprung at the chance. She finally separated herself from the young man and bent down to grab her pistol.

"Don't take too long." She added as to them she headed for the darkness of the corridor. "Polaris isn't here either way."

She left the other two to their own devices as she headed out, letting her helmet guide her path as she jogged from the room. Her body was working on auto pilot now, and would be until she found Kaidan. She wouldn't even let her mind begin to process what would happen if she didn't find him…

In her effort to reach the front of the base again she didn't bother with stealth. The two guards she did come across in the blackness were scrambled and alone, and her anger fueled their quick end.

Her breath was coming in harder swallows and her boots pounded the floor. She didn't hear the oncoming footfalls until she was nearly on top of them. Her enemy was running full toward her, and her own speed was quick enough still to prevent her from being able to stop in time to prevent impact.

In the darkness she couldn't even see the form in time to fire on it, so she used her momentum to her advantage.

There was the scrape and thick thud of armor as she collided headlong into her opponent. The idiot man had tried to stop and she had easily bull dozed him. There was a great _oof _as they flew to the ground, her on top, her opponent disoriented.

She straddled his chest and pointed her pistol to his face, ready to fire execution style.

"Shepard?" The voice was breathy and rough. And altogether the most beautiful sound in the world.

She instantly turned her gun from Kaidan's face.

The emotion that overwhelmed her made her stomach flip. She could feel him, flesh and blood underneath her. He was okay. Rahna had been bluffing. _Thank god_.

She wanted nothing more than to kiss him right there in the middle of the hallway with enemy eyes watching if it meant making sure he was still warm and breathing and in one piece. And hers.

The helmets kept her from acting on her desire.

Instead she slid down him and hugged him so hard she heard him take a sharp intake of breath.

"You're supposed to be dead!"

He groaned. "Well, let me stand up and you can try running into me again. Honestly, I think you were pretty close to killing me the first time, maybe a little more shoulder…"

She ignored his complaint in her own hatred towards protective head gear. She pushed herself off of him and stood, offering her hand to haul him up as well.

"Sorry." She said, making herself slip back to into the professional she was. He was okay. That's all that mattered.

"It's okay." He said. He still sounded a little winded. She must've knocked the air out of him. "So what's this about me being dead?"

That wasn't something she could explain yet.

"I lost contact." She said a half truth. "I thought maybe something had happened."

"We're cut off from everything. There's some kind of energy shield scrambling the transmission. Like that geth ship on Feros." He explained.

"Geth?" She asked. "There's no geth here."

"I know, but there's a shield all the same." He shrugged. "I'm pretty sure it's not theirs though."

"What do you mean?"

They both started walking the direction Alenko had come. She was delightfully engrossed in the mission again and all was right with world. Well, kinda.

"It's… pink." He said awkwardly.

She opened her mouth to speak, but he put his hands up in defense. "I have no idea. It's just a shield but it's pink all the same. And bright as hell. Wrex is trying to break through it now. If we can get through maybe we can re-establish contact with Joker."

She nodded appreciatively at his efficiency.

"So where are the kids?" He asked.

She didn't want him to know she had freaked out. She exhaled, frustrated. At the beginning of this whole mission she hadn't even been guilty of lying to him. She just hadn't told him Rahna was involved. Now she was lying left and right, and it made her feel horrible.

She was angry that Rahna had escaped. With that came the resentful realization that she would have to hide the truth from Kaidan even longer. She almost groaned aloud.

"They're clearing out the last room now. I thought I'd give them a little fun." She almost sounded light hearted. _This is still really serious_, she reminded herself. As if she could forget. "Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Is Garrus alright?"

"I came to find you." He said easily. Honestly. She envied him. "And yes, we got Garrus and the other prisoners out without much trouble. In fact we were already back in the base getting ready to meet up with you when the power went out and that energy shield went up."

_Great_, she thought. _Now we're cut off from the survivors._

Alenko continued. "Garrus is beat up pretty bad, but I think he'll be okay. The Quarians are another story."

"Quarians?"

"Yeah," he answered with a defeated sigh, "Tali said the ship was under maintenance at the time of capture, at the time she estimated fifty. But there seems to have once been forty here, the other may have died in transit."

He got quiet, no doubt gravelly imagining one of the more inhabited ships of the Quarian fleet being ravaged. A ship that held thousands.

"Do we have space to house them on the _Normandy_ until we can meet with a transit ship?" Shepard asked. Maybe in the cargo bay...

"There's only twelve left, ma'am." Kaidan said sadly.

Shepard stopped walking. Twelve of forty?

He turned back to her slowly, waiting for her comment. When she didn't speak he explained.

"One of the men in better condition explained to me that they hadn't had enough envirosuits. And the ones that are still alive have been surviving on their same enviromental control systems for weeks."

She found the will to walk again, albeit slowly while she listened to him.

"We got here in time to save some, but the remaining Quarians are surviving on exhausted suits- most of which are failing. Five of the twelve we've got outside with Garrus and Drellis have already contracted viruses."

Shepard shook her head. She hadn't been quick enough.

"The prison was full of Quarian bodies. Tali... didn't take it so well."

"Where is she now?"

"She went back after our initial trip with the survivors to see if any more can be saved. I don't think she'll find any."

Shepard didn't say anything. The Quarian race was a tight-knit, close family. She couldn't help but feel guilty for the death of so many. She wished she could've saved more.

"There's nothing you could've done, Commander." Kaidan offered to her silence. "A dozen may live because of you."

The words did little to comfort her, but she appreciated them.

They continued their walk towards the door, sidestepping bodies along the way.

Williams and Jones were clearing the last rooms, her and Kaidan were on their own, Wrex was trying to break down whatever barrier was in their way, Tali was searching through the prison hold, and Drellis, Garrus, and a dozen quarians were in the woods waiting in a very vulnerable position. Shepard had to reassemble everyone. She didn't like that they were so spread out.

Once the shield was breached she would contact Williams and Jones and tell them to head out.

She owed them both extra rations when they got back to the ship.

Now that Shepard had time to think she was reminded of why she was walking with Kaidan now. There was one thing she couldn't wrap her head around. Why had Rahna claimed she'd killed Alenko? What advantage had she gained? The commander didn't like not having the answer. It was definitely something to consider. Back on the safety of the ship.

"So, did you have any luck?" Alenko asked her. In her violent yank from her own thoughts Shepard almost missed the edge in his voice. Almost.

"Polaris isn't here." Shepard said as nonchalantly as she could manage. "But we know where to look next."

She could tell by the way he stiffened that he was thinking about what it was she could know that he didn't, so she avoided his gaze. It took quite the man indeed who could get Shepard to avoid eye contact.

Nearing the front of the base, Shepard found herself eager to get off the planet. She was emotionally exhausted, and in truth wanted to get anywhere she could be at more ease around Kaidan. Even now her fingers itched to entwine themselves with his. She needed his comfort right about now. She took a step away from him to prevent involuntarily action.

They traveled together in silence, both absently thinking about the lie between them that distanced their relationship to match the physical distance that was enforced by law. She hoped he was thinking of anything else but how horrible she was for keeping something from him, but she knew in her heart that it was exactly what he was contemplating.

But she knew now that she was Rahna's target. If she told Kaidan anything, she would have to tell him that, and there would be no stopping him from trying to protect her.

She also knew now that Rahna wasn't beyond murdering Kaidan as well, and it only made the need to keep him from going with her in the end more dire. If he got hurt protecting her…

She'd already had a taste of what him dying would feel like. He was only 'dead' for all of ten minutes, but it was enough to show her that it's not a world she wanted to be a part of.

No, she would keep him safe at all costs. Safe and perfect forever.

Even if that meant hurting them both.


	15. The War

**Chapter XV: The War**

"_Why won't you tell me that_

_It's almost over?_

_Why must this_

_Tear my head_

_Inside out?"_

_The War,_ Angels and Airwaves

**Shepard**

Glass crunched under Shepard's armored feet as she crossed into the giant office at the front of the base.

Her attention was immediately drawn to the obnoxious blaring pink stretched across the doors of the front entrance. It was bright, it was fuchsia, it glowed… and it was exactly the same kind of light that Shepard had seen in the hallway when the lights had gone out.

Already in front of the painfully pink wall stood both Tali and Wrex, mumbling under their breath.

They both turned when she and Kaidan entered. Wrex gave a nod of greeting, but Tali said nothing. Shepard didn't need to see her face to know the quarian was upset.

"Status?" Shepard queried when she reached them. She tentatively placed a hand on Tali's shoulder hoping to comfort the woman, but Tali gave no indication that she had noticed the touch. She just answered Shepard's question in a flat pained tone.

"There's no way around it. I've checked everywhere around here."

"So this is what's scrambling our communications." She said appraising the magenta shield. "I assume you tried shooting it."

She hadn't really asked, but Wrex replied anyway with a rumbling laugh. "First thing I tried, Shepard."

"And?"

This time it was Kaidan who answered, standing next to her and glancing over their obstacle again. "We _think_ that the shot just went through. It didn't ricochet or absorb…"

"It just went through?"

Shepard took a step closer to the shield. _Come on, Rahna. What's this all about?_

Shepard thought long as hard. What was its purpose? Distraction?

Rahna couldn't have expected it to keep them in, she said so herself that she had wanted Shepard on Jaynen. Shepard saw enough in the holographic eyes to believe at least that was the truth. So whatever this thing was… it couldn't hurt them, right? Rahna wouldn't want them hurt before she was ready. Unless she had been lying about that too…

"What are you thinking, Commander?" Alenko asked curiously.

Shepard glanced over the pink plane.

Rahna was intelligent. This is what she had wanted. She wanted them all standing there trying to figure this out. But why? This strange fuchsia glow… It had no explanation. No reason. The light itself was something Shepard had never seen before, how could she begin to understand it?

But it _was_ pink light. Exactly the same garish obnoxious color that had flashed by Shepard in the darkened hallway. It was just light.

"I think…" She started slowly, stepping toward the doorway. "We can go through."

She reached out with her left hand. No point in losing her pistol hand if she happened to be wrong.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Kaidan shouted, jumping to her side. He snatched her hand from out in front of her and held it tightly in his. He looked at her like she had gone insane.

She turned and scowled at him while he held her hand. She couldn't suppress the anger simmering just under the surface at his outburst.

"Just…" He pleaded with her. "Just- just… hold on."

She searched his face for ulterior motives, but she only saw that he wanted her to trust him. Slowly she conceded.

He nodded himself before finally letting go. She watched him stride to a nearby body and begin to pick it up. Quickly Wrex was helping him, and together they hauled the lump of human to the shield.

Shepard backed out of the way as they threw the corpse heavily into the blaring light.

If Shepard squinted she could see through to the other side where the body landed stiff, heavy… and unchanged.

She shared a secret triumphant smile with Kaidan.

Then she stepped to the magenta wall once more. She reached out, a little more confident this time, and brushed her fingertips along the edge.

They pushed right through.

She withdrew her hand, took another step forward, and tried again. This time she let her arm push through to the elbow. She could feel air on the other side.

But her forearm -submerged and covered- felt very _strange_.

It felt as though she had stuck her arm into a warm flowing river, except instead of the water rushing around her shell of her armor, or splashing around the edges it flowed _through_ her arm. She felt the exchange of energy through her armor, skin, muscle and bone. She felt it flow and carry through the other side of her arm and all around. It was warm and creepy. And disconcerting.

The sensation made her feel like the current could very well carry her cells with it, but her arm remained intact. Even more interesting was that the shield around her arm showed no sign of movement. It was still pristine and smooth like she hadn't been near it at all.

"Well?" Wrex prodded from behind her. In the odd sensation she had forgotten the others.

"Strange." She replied. She wouldn't be able to describe what she felt. She withdrew and turned to them. They all stood still, waiting for her to elaborate, but she didn't. "Move quickly through. And try not to throw up. It feels really… strange." She used the same adjective. Nothing else could capture the sensation.

Without another word, she turned and stepped through.

There was a moment of complete displacement. Not painful, but uncomfortable. She thought for a moment that she had been horribly wrong, and that the shield had been some kind of stomach-yanking death trap.

But in a second it was over, and she stood solidly on the ground. She quickly looked around. Yes, she was on the other side of the light. It was then she realized she had been holding her breath. She broke through the barrier in time to catch a familiar voice mid-sentence.

"-shore party. Repeat, _Normandy_ to shore party. Come on, Commander, the crew is getting freaked out."

"Sure, I leave you alone for an hour and the whole world falls apart." She said with a sly smile.

"Commander! Where have you been? I lost contact for _thirty minutes_. I'm entitled to a little hysteria." The pilot answered defensively.

"Joker, is that you?" Alenko appeared next to Shepard, looking slightly green, but relieved and in one piece.

Shepard turned in time to see Tali step through as well. The quarian took in her surroundings as Shepard had before speaking. "That was _strange_."

"Commander Shepard!" Shepard whipped around at the voice that hadn't been spoken by any of the companion she had just been with. She followed the sound to its origin.

On the hill to the right, from high in the trees was a blur of grey and white, followed by a bluish armor. The two bodes skidded as they jogged down the hill. Shepard smiled in spite of herself.

"Alenko, give Joker the clearance to pick us up here. There's no more danger. Wrex and Tali, fetch Garrus and the others and lead them back here."

Kaidan was already speaking into his comm when Shepard detoured away from the group and jogged to meet Jones and Williams.

The other two reached the base of the hill and waited for her. Why weren't they coming closer?

When she reached them, her confusion must've been obvious. Sarah tilted her chin in the direction of the front of the base where the lieutenant was deep in conversation with the pilot.

"Alenko's alive." It wasn't a question. And the statement was filled with relief, but caution.

"Yes." Shepard answered, looking over the other two. Dirt was smeared across their armor, but they both appeared unscathed. "You were right, Jones. She was just trying to mess with me. I still don't understand why. Or how you two even got here for that matter."

Shepard watched them share an odd sort of glance.

"We think we know why."

Shepard shifted her weight and waited.

"We saw her." Jones said slowly.

"What?"

"That last corridor," he explained, "the one you had us investigate? There was some kind of passage. We followed it and it opened out to a back door out of the base."

"She was there, Commander." Sarah cut in. "On that Jarkin thing the turians used to get here. I'm sure it was her. White hair and baby blue eyes?"

Shepard nodded. And then it clicked.

Why Rahna had claimed she had killed Kaidan.

Why the hologram had been so slow speaking. Shepard remembered feeling that the program was stalling for something.

And why the power had been cut. Why the light had appeared in the doorway to the entrance. Keeping them immobile until they found a way around it. And to interfere with team communications. All signals were bounced from the _Normandy_ and then back to the other teammates. That's why they hadn't been able to contact each other.

It had all been to keep Shepard busy, to slow her down.

Because she had been close. _So close_ to catching Rahna.

In front of her, the other two were piecing together the same conclusion.

"She knew you'd have to go back." Sarah said slowly. "To check on him."

"Wait." Shepard interrupted. "You saw her? What happened?"

"We saw her drive _away_." Franklin verified. "She shouted about something called "conatix" and what they did to someone named Rahna."

Shepard couldn't help herself. It was the first time that she had so involuntarily messed up in the field because of Kaidan. She hadn't even thought. Her body had just reacted to the name.

She had stiffened and glanced over her shoulder to look at Kaidan. She was halfway through rotating when she realized how she'd reacted.

And of course Sarah was too damn observant to miss it.

"Commander?" Sarah said softly. "You know her… don't you?"

Shepard turned back to the woman. The guilt on her face surely too apparent.

"You know Polaris." Sarah repeated. "And the LT does too. That's why you don't let him fight with you. That's why you'd been so convinced she'd killed him."

Shepard nervously stole another glance. And froze when Kaidan met her eyes. He had misinterpreted her movement for motioning to him.

He was walking towards them.

_Shit._

Shepard flashed back to the other two. "The lieutenant doesn't know who she is or that he knows her." She said breathily, the plea for their silence obvious in her voice. "And he _can't_ know."

She nervously glanced back. He was closer. Could he hear them yet?

"I owe you both explanations when we get back on the ship. But please don't say anything."

The two shared a look, but to Shepard's great relief they both nodded silently in agreement just as Alenko reached them.

"Joker's on his way, ma'am."

"Good." She replied, resuming her professional voice. "Let's go help Tali and Wrex with the survivors."

With mumbled agreement they walked out of the shelter of the tree line.

Shepard spoke minimally through the walk to the others, and then on the way back to the base. She was afraid to let anything else slip up.

Instead she spent her time scolding herself for letting Rahna go. For being so close and not finishing this whole thing. It could've ended today.

The roaring of the _Normandy_ engine was like a foghorn in her clouded state of mind. Just seeing her ship made her feel better. Like somehow being on board life would be less confusing.

Of course, it was on the _Normandy_ that she would have a lot of questions to answer. And a few more days of hiding from Kaidan.

And she had a whole hell of a lot to think about.

* * *

Shepard had scheduled the debriefing for an hour after the return to the ship. After making sure Garrus and the quarians were all secured in the med bay she showered and dressed. With twenty minutes to spare she headed to the comm room to think. She would return to check on Garrus and gather what he had learned afterwards. As well as talking with her quarian guests. Already she had some of the crew hauling blankets, mats and pillows down to the cargo bay, clearing half of it for the quarians to stay until the _Normandy_ could meet with a transport to the flotilla.

Shepard's body was tired when she sat on the floor of the chamber and leaned her back against the rail of the observation window. Why she found that more comfortable than the chairs she never knew.

She leaned her head back on the metal and closed her eyes, going over the mission again. She thought about everything, trying to make the puzzle pieces that were together sharpen and become clearer, allowing her to anticipate the big picture.

She looked for any clues she may have missed or overlooked. And she wondered at how tactfully she could include Kaidan without really _including_ him. That whole mess just kept getting more and more complicated.

She went through the whole timeline again in her head.

Rahna had come into the apartment and shot her. There wasn't any real evidence that Shepard had been the intentional target, but she was considering it likely after the latest evidence.

Why had Rahna shot with kronots? The bulletin board in Polaris' office proved that she had must've suspected Shepard wouldn't be alone. So what would be the benefit of shooting with a round that was only lethal if not seen to immediately? Let alone so slow effecting.

Okay so maybe Rahna hadn't known what the kronots were, and had just found them when searching the quarian ship.

Something twinkled on the edge of the memory, just underneath cognition. Something about the merchant Garrus had found. What had he said?

_Pink light_.

The light was somehow associated with Rahna. But if the salarian had witnessed it, then it was connected directly with Polaris, and not with the base on Syba.

Shepard moved forward through her memories.

The krogan base. Rahna had been behind it. Another distraction to slow Shepard down? Or maybe even an effort to capture her. And Kaidan.

But that didn't make any sense. So far, Rahna had been very adamant that if Shepard were to die it would be by her hands. And Karx had very clearly intended to kill Shepard. Not only that, but there had been the explosion. Karx had done everything he could to ensure Shepard wouldn't survive the encounter.

Of course, if there ever were a reason to betray a human and turn away from credits for revenge, Karx had it.

He had every reason to want Shepard dead. And to him it was probably worth betraying Polaris.

Karx had used Rahna to find out how to get to Shepard. He had been working independently, with his own agenda.

It explained why Karx didn't tell anyone about Virmire. If Rahna had known he would feel so strongly she wouldn't have hired him.

Rahna was proving to be an intelligent woman.

It hit Shepard how close to her death she had really been when those explosives had gone off. She was almost safer with Rahna. Rahna at least wanted her to live to a certain point.

That was the other thing. What was Rahna waiting for? What was it she had to "get in place"?

Whatever it was, it had been important enough for Polaris to do everything in her power to make sure Shepard couldn't confront her today.

Today a lot had come out. More about Polaris' more long term goal. Between the quad-C on the _Sea Star_, and the offices on Syba, the woman was obviously planning something huge. And it was all somehow connected to Conatix, or the Gagarin station in general.

It might be that in itself that doomed to Kaidan to be involved in this thing.

Maybe Kaidan would have an idea of why Rahna would be so interested in Conatix, especially since the company had folded years ago, its supervisors and employees scattered and lost.

But she couldn't go to Kaidan. Not this time.

How did her own death matter? She had nothing to do with the station. Everything else about this mission was just as confusing and unanswered.

Why did Rahna have them followed? What was the magenta light? How was it all linked? Why had Garrus been allowed to live? What awaited them on Jaynen?

"Commander?"

Shepard jumped at the voice, slamming her back into the rail behind her. She groaned, and a pale hand offered itself to her and hauled her up.

Jones's blond brows knitted together. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, it's alright. I was just thinking."

Sarah stepped out from behind Franklin. "Debriefing is in ten minutes, ma'am. We thought maybe we should talk before…" The sentence drifted into silence and everyone's own minds finished it.

Shepard dusted imaginary dirt off the seat of her spotless uniform. "Yeah. We do…" She said defeated.

Shepard started where she herself had. With the story of a seventeen year old boy and his almost-girlfriend. And how special she had been to him.

She skipped over most of the final incident, feeling that it was Kaidan's story to tell if he chose. She used words like "turian instructor" instead of Vyrnnus. And she didn't tell them Alenko had killed him. Only that Kaidan had gotten into it with him.

And it had been too much for his sweet, gentle, and blue-eyed beauty to handle. She had rejected him, and despite his letters, calls and vid mails she never replied to him.

Innocent and loving Rahna had been scared of heroic and honorable Kaidan.

Now that's what you call ironic.

* * *

**Kaidan**

Kaidan wandered the halls for the thirty minutes leading to the debriefing. His mind was numb in a state of trying to understand things he couldn't. He had tried to find Shepard for awhile, but she seemed to have disappeared. She always reappeared again when she was ready to talk.

He felt helpless in a very real way. He didn't know how much Shepard knew, but so far the whole mission confused the hell out of him. Someone was trying to kill him, and he had no idea why. Shepard was in danger because of him and he didn't know even know how.

Maybe debriefing would reveal more about Polaris and her motives.

He had a sinking feeling that he would only know what Shepard would want him to know.

Things with Shepard were becoming all too complicated. If it wasn't one thing it was another.

He couldn't deny that even if he might be able to convince himself she could have a good reason for keeping something from him; his security would evaporate only so easily when she would deny him the affection he was missing so much.

But if she did ever allow them contact, he would feel in his heart it was only because she felt guilty because she had kept something from him.

They would argue about the mission, or they would argue about their lack of relationship on the _Normandy_. And the two points were quickly becoming almost the one. It was a vicious cycle. In a strange way their two continuing arguments were linked and fed each other.

And buried deep inside him, Kaidan knew the answer to both arguments. Whether it be the rules or the secrets, he knew what it was that fueled both problems.

He was reminded painfully of a conversation he had had with Joker only a couple weeks ago.

The only conclusion he could draw from Shepard's distance, both physically and mentally, was that she still hadn't let him in.

It was so strikingly obvious. He hadn't exaggerated all those nights ago. It was the truth, and so visible now that they had returned to the ship.

He had thought they had grown together these past months, but she was proving him wrong.

In one hand she wanted him to trust _her _reasons for keeping something from him, but in the other hand, she would never be willing to trust _him_ with the information.

On one side, she would claim he was important to her, and that she loved him. But on the other she physically held him off, keeping him from reciprocating.

She was still running the show. She was in her own world, and he was on the outskirts, just along for the ride. And it was a merry-go-round that went in circles and circles and never went anywhere. And no matter what he did he couldn't get any closer to the center. To her.

As much as he could scold himself for getting involved with his commanding officer, he couldn't resent the good times they had. And he didn't regret that they were together.

But at present time, the relationship was painful and confusing. And she stood calmly on the outside. Owning all the pieces and knowing all the rules to a game he didn't want to play.

He just wanted her. And she used what was happening as a crowbar between them.

The most frustrating part was that he had no choice but to let her use whatever excuse she could. At least until they were finished.

He would avoid the real problem, as he knew she would. He would continue his fight for her affection and for her trust, ignoring that she wouldn't return with a fight for his.

And so he sat through most of the debriefing silently.

He soaked up every word to try to catch a glimpse of what it was he couldn't understand, but of course Shepard was precise and careful as always.

As she had wanted, he learned only what she would allow him to. Polaris had been following them, had been behind the krogan on Vebinok, and had left a message for Shepard that he had died so she could escape.

Polaris had learned about their relationship through the media and used it against Shepard.

He wanted to feel bad that Polaris had been able to use him to manipulate Shepard, but his desire to feel guilty was quickly overpowered by the fact that he knew now that Shepard would only use it against him. Against _them_.

It was one more reason she could use to further separate the space between them.

Kaidan listened to her words, but her voice itself sounded like it belonged to someone else. The woman he cared so deeply about surely wouldn't let such a span of misdirection and secrets spread between them. This woman was careless about how she affected him, and it lit a type of fiery resentment he wasn't used to.

By the time debriefing was closing his fists were tight in anger.

With the quarians and Garrus in the infirmary both and Drellis and Tali were distractedly silent.

And the humans didn't seem to notice his tension. Or if they did they didn't show any indication. In fact the only person who seemed to care at all was Shepard who would wince every time he would rub at the stress-induced pain in his neck.

The guilt that would flit across her face was even more frustrating. Would she feel so guilty if she had a really good reason for her deception?

Kaidan had never been quick to anger, but his annoyance and displeasure only grew as she continued to censor her speech.

And then finally she said something that made his irritation explode under his skin.

Despite the problems they seem to have every time they weren't fighting side by side, she would still deny him his spot at her side on Jaynen.

* * *

**Shepard**

"The compound on Jaynen is going to be huge. If we stick together they'll easily corner and overcome us."

She had tried to say it as diplomatically as possible. But suddenly the air was thick with tension.

Kaidan leaned forward in his seat. The movement was subtle. Only Shepard would understand and catch the tiny clues of his body language.

His jaw was clenched and locked on top of clenched fists. His face was turned ever so slightly away from her and he refused to look at her. The muscles in his forearms were flexed and tight, and they wouldn't release, no matter how much she silently begged them to.

He was almost intimidating.

Had she not felt so strongly that she had no choice, she would've even regretted her words. But instead she pressed on. Maybe if she said the rest quickly and dismissed them he would leave and be angry with her somewhere else. Somewhere where she wouldn't be able to feel the emotion roll off him in thick waves and crawl through the space between them to suffocate her.

"I'll have to wait to see what Garrus managed to gather before we plan our assault. But we have time. Jaynen is in the Sentry Omega cluster, five jumps from here. We have three days."

She almost groaned aloud. Three more days with Kaidan's hatred permeating the air? She didn't know if she could last that long.

"I'll call another meeting in a day or so to strategize. Until then, any questions?"

None of the humans seemed to feel they had the liberty to say anything. And Tali and Drellis were in an obvious hurry to see to their fellows. Wrex was as silent as ever.

"Dismissed." She said quickly. She allowed herself a deep breath. Debriefing wasn't a confrontational as she had been worried it might be. Kaidan just seemed to take what she had dished him. At least until that last few minutes. She ran through her mind what she had said during the whole meeting, making sure that she hadn't slipped up.

But she was pretty sure she hadn't. She'd been careful.

She looked up from where she had been glaring at the ground- half conscious and staring into space. The room had of course emptied. Except for Kaidan.

He seemed ripe in the mood for an argument. She only hoped this one would end better than their last.

That night in her quarters, the look that had been on his face- It was identical to the one he wore now.

Her lungs squeezed painfully. She hadn't ended the argument. She had only delayed it for a little while. And she knew he wouldn't allow her to use her rank against him this time.

He didn't speak. And neither did she. Minutes ticked away, them both in silent contemplation of their own decisions. She couldn't be the first to start this time. Not after what she had said to him to make him leave her room the night before.

Then she felt it. It was like a bell ringing in the fight arena. All of a sudden his breath was audible. She felt the tension retract like the wind had blown it away, and then come rushing- flooding back to drown her.

"After all this…" His voice was dangerously low, slow and tight. "After learning she has been following us, after you thought I had died in our separation… you're still going to do this? Send me as far from you as possible?"

When she spoke it was quiet. She couldn't fight how easily his words had destroyed her confidence. "It's not that, it's-"

He violently flew from his chair and stood, his arms in the air with emotional gesture. "It's whatever that damn thing is that you're not telling me!" He shouted at her.

His anger scared the crap out of her. But she wouldn't show him that. She made her living by not letting people know when she was scared.

She never questioned her safety around him, this was a different kind of fright than she had ever felt before.

For the first time in their relationship she was terrified that he would leave her. She could lose him. Not to some horrible monster or enemy on a distant planet, but to her own actions.

Whatever anger she had flared higher. Now not only did she have to fight with him but now she had to fight_ for_ him!?

"You _can't_ understand!" She shouted, matching his battle cry with one of her own.

"I would if you'd just tell me!" He answered, his yell rushed into her. She could almost feel wind whip around her. "You have to trust me, Shepard. Otherwise I can't work with you!"

"I do trust you. This is not a matter of trust!"

"Like _hell_ it isn't! I can't stop you from keeping me out of your life but if you want to make me feel useless in duty, you'd better find yourself a new officer!"

"Is that what you really want?!" She couldn't feel anything but her anger. She was just numb and shouting. The thoughts weren't fully forming in her head before she flung them at him. "Not only will you not trust me but you have to escape to the other side of the galaxy?! Is that what you want!?" She repeated even louder. Her throat hurt and seared but she ignored it. "To be that far away from everything we've built here!?"

"Built _what _here!?" He retorted, gesturing around him. "You don't talk to me, you don't let me touch you, and when you do we have to hide in corners and hallways like criminals!"

"Kaidan-"

"You know what!? I might even be able to deal with that, if you ever let me get involved with the mission that _broke into OUR apartment and SHOT you_. You don't even trust me to take care of you!"

"God, Kaidan, in the field-"

"Not just out there!" He pointed to the observation window.

They were shouting over each other now. It was a flurry of venom and volume, their sentences running into each other and colliding in the air in a thunderous crackle.

"Out there, in here, AND at _home_!" He continued.

The argument had easily gone from the mission to the base of their relationship. It was with sick guilt that Shepard realized how closely the two were intertwined.

"I have been taking care of myself a long time-"

His face was contorted and red in his fury. "Yes, and that's the problem! You're so insistent on being independent maybe you don't even need me!"

"Kaidan! Listen to yourself! Are you so blinded right now by your hatred that you can truly believe that?! And you want me to take you on Jaynen like this?!"

She couldn't believe they were actually having this conversation.

"I'm going with you, you can't stop-!"

"No, you're _not_!"

"I _am_!"

"_Insubordination_! _Damn_ you to hell Alenko! Try it and I _will_ have you reassigned!"

A third voice entered the conversation. "Commander, Lieutenant… the engineers can hear the shouting."

It wasn't Joker's sarcastic tone; it was filled with real concern. Like a kid grimacing while their parents fought.

Shepard accusingly glared at Kaidan who only glared back. He breathed roughly through his nose and crossed his arms at her.

"Thanks for the heads up." Shepard answered the pilot, hoping Joker didn't mistake the spite in her voice as being intended for him.

"And I've got the flotilla officials on the line. I need you on the bridge." He added quietly. It was obvious he had felt like he was intruding.

Shepard released a deep breath. She glanced up at Kaidan who had come dangerously close to her in their outburst.

His chest was still rising heavily, recovering from their bout. He looked away.

"I'll be there in a minute." Shepard tossed to the room.

"Aye, aye, ma'am." Joker cut out.

For a good thirty seconds she didn't speak. She just focused on breathing. It was him who finally broke the silence.

He looked back at her. "You know I can't let this go." He said dangerously.

"I can't let you get that close, Kaidan." She replied solidly, brushing past him to the comm room doors.

She had been referring to the mission and to Polaris, but he had taken it as completely different. That much was evident in his voice when he replied.

"Yeah, I should've known." The spite was so vivid it hurt.

He turned from her and faced the back of the room. He showed no signs that he was ready to leave.

"In three days this will be over." She said as much for herself as for him.

"The mission… or us?" His voice was low and quiet. And she knew she wasn't supposed to have heard it.

So she left and pretended she hadn't.

Besides, she was still Commanding Officer of the _SSV Normandy_. And a real CO wouldn't be caught dead letting their officers see them cry.


	16. Decode

**Chapter XVI: Decode**

"_How can I decide what's right,_

_When you're clouding up my mind?_

_I can't win your losing fight,_

_All the time."_

_-Decode,_ Paramore

**Shepard**

"You got the link open for me, Joker?" Shepard hated how tired her voice sounded.

She'd been quick to get the bridge. And she made sure with a wipe of her hand that she had destroyed all evidence of her argument with Kaidan.

There was something odd about being with Joker right now. As Shepard saw it, Joker was the eyes, ears, and heart of the _Normandy_. He'd seen everything that the ship herself had witnessed amid her walls and hallways. And Shepard couldn't hide anything from her ship.

Mercifully, Joker pretended that he hadn't overheard her fight with Alenko.

"Sure thing, Commander." He pressed a few buttons on the glowing orange screen to his right.

The bridge was filled with a loud whirring and humming sound.

"Is that us?" Shepard asked looking around that bridge as if the answer would make itself known if she could see it.

"No, that's them."

The intense hum was low and sounded much like a generator. Shepard remembered Tali had mentioned that in the flotilla silence was a bad sign. The quarian ships were running, but never quietly. It had given Tali a few hard night's sleep for a couple weeks when she joined the _Normandy_ crew.

A voice joined the whir and filled the bridge. "This is Captain Ranin Jira Zar'Hiro of the _Yelants_.

"Commander Shepard." She said. She was relieved to hear her voice was solid, and stronger than she felt.

"I understand you have some of our people aboard your ship?" The male quarian asked.

"Yes. I intercepted them on a mission. They are receiving medical attention and are being given shelter on the ship as we speak. We will be docking with a trade station in a few hours, where I can provide them with new envirosuits. They are well taken care of, sir."

The line went quiet for awhile. It was just one more of the millions of instances in which Shepard wished she knew what people were thinking.

"Thank you, Commmander Shepard." The captain said slowly. "We didn't know to expect such hospitality from the humans."

Shepard saw that Joker was suppressing some kind of comment in his head. She smiled, imagining what kind of quippy comeback might escape.

"Whether quarian or human, we're still all people. We look out for each other."

"Yes." He agreed slowly, still obviously surprised at her. It always made Shepard feel a little better when she could catch people off guard with kindness like that. It was very different than when dealing with Ambassador Udina or the Council, where the courtesy was just expected. "But you know we are a poor people. I can't really pay you back the credits it will cost for new suits. Perhaps we may have some equipment-"

"No reward in necessary, Captain. It's the least I can do. I'm uh... sorry that I couldn't save more."

"Commander Shepard, we never thought we'd see any of the men on that ship ever again. Do you know what that is worth to the families of the twelve you _could_ save? To their families and the fleet? We owe you a great debt, Commander Shepard. You are a good woman."

_It's nice to be reminded._

"And I dare say you have restored some of my faith in the spectres." the quarian concluded.

"Thank you, Captain." Shepard found herself nodding, even though she knew he couldn't see her. "We can rendezvous with you in ten hours in the Horse Head Nebula."

"Thanks again, Commander. We'll be there."

The whirring and humming disappeared with the end of the exchange.

"Didn't expect the hospitality of humans? From the race that spends their entire lives on their own ship?"

Shepard smiled. "Ah, Joker. You can never cut the aliens some slack." She stepped further forward. She always tried to make sure he could see her without straining to turn. But she never moved so far forward that he would realize what she was doing and think she was coddling him.

"Just returning the favor, ma'am." He said.

"Come on, now. The aliens on the _Normandy_ don't seem so bad." She said, still trying to keep the mood light.

"Oh, yeah, you're right. A krogan with the bloodlust of a vampire, an asari recluse, a quarian tech, and a turian spectre are hardly what I'd call normal."

"Liara's the only one strange for her kind." Shepard defended. She felt the usual pang of having a part of her crew missing.

"Not true. Garrus is an oddity as well for turians." Joker said.

"How so?"

"Let's look at your history with turians, let's say... in the past year and half. Nihlus: rigid, harsh, and gave me the creeps. The turian councilor: rigid, harsh, hates humans and is three different breeds of asshole. Saren: rigid, harsh, gave _everyone_ the creeps and then turned into an extragalactic alien artificial intelligence and dropped a giant squid on your head."

"The last one wasn't really his fault." Shepard said. She wanted to tease Joker that it had been the _Normandy_ that had finished off Sovereign and sent the chunks whirling into the presidium. But she didn't bring that up.

Joker ignored her. "Not to mention that turian bastard the lieutenant had to deal with in BAaT."

Okay that last one had nothing to do with Shepard. Joker was leading her.

She cut to the chase, she knew Joker knew everything that was going on. How could he not? She was actually a little surprised he hadn't brought it up earlier. "You think I should tell him." She stated. No question, it was a fact.

Joker gave her a sideways appraising look, looking relieved that she had skipped over the whole "how much do you know" bit.

"If I said yes, would you?" He asked.

She shook her head. "Probably not."

Joker looked straight ahead like he was debating on what to say next. "Do you want to talk about it?" He sounded serious now. Shepard wasn't quite sure what to do with the straight-faced Joker.

"Not particularly. Not right now, anyway. I mean, you just heard us..." She let the sentence hang. Joker just nodded.

She shook herself, and reminded herself that she was commanding a multibillion credit war machine, and she had things to do. Amid all the personal stuff on the _Normandy_, it was getting dangerously easy to forget that she was an Alliance commander and a Council spectre.

"Well, if you want to talk later, you know where to find me."

"Always." She said. She was turning away when a light flashing on the monitor caught her eye. Joker noticed it too.

"We're getting a transmission." He said, all business again. "What, the quarians forget to tell you that they didn't expect humans to be cognitive thinkers?"

Shepard waited patiently while he ran a code across his monitor.

"Commander..." He said slowly. "The message is coming from a moving ship a few light years ahead of us. But the signal is being bounced through space to get back to us. It's using a conductor in...." His eyes squinted at the orange glow as he followed the network of code floating by his screen. "The Senry Omega cluster." He said slowly.

"Jaynen?" Shepard whispered.

"I- I can't be positive... but I think so." Joker looked up at her expectantly, waiting for orders.

"Has Alenko left the comm room?" She asked desperately while Joker flipped through images on another screen.

"Umm..." He said searching. "Oh, wait. Yup. He's returned to his post."

"Great, I'll take it there." She said, turning on her heel and storming down the bridge. It was such a short distance the comm room anyway.

Shepard felt the hatred for Polaris mix with her hope that maybe now she could get some answers. Maybe she could find out why Rahna was doing this. Maybe she could get her to stop.

Maybe this could all be over.

She brushed past where one of the techs was mapping out the jump sequence for their journey to the trade station, the quarian exhange point, and eventually Sentry Omega.

She stepped into the communications center with anticipation. She was relieved that Kaidan had indeed left.

She called to Joker even before she reached the center of the room. "Go ahead, Joker."

"Coming through, Commander. And she's a gem." He added with distaste.

There was shimmer of light by the center console in front of the observation window. And then she was there. Grinning wickedly, her blue eyes almost overcame the orange tint of the small woman.

"Hello, Commander." She said. Sweetness dripped from every syllable.

"Rahna." Shepard wasn't afraid of letting the woman know she knew who she was now.

She didn't seem surprised. "Very good, Commander. I'm glad to see you are smart. That will make this a lot easier."

"Why are you doing this?" Shepard interrupted.

"Nah ah ah." Rahna said, shaking her head as if she were talking to a little child. "If you want that answer you'll have to come to Jaynen. I'd much rather show you."

"And if I don't go to Jaynen?" Shepard countered, keeping as much of the edge out of her voice as she could.

Rahna smirked. It was cruel and demeaning, but Shepard couldn't help but imagine that the woman's real smile was quite beautiful. "Commander, you really should consider doing as I ask."

"Give me one good reason why I should." Shepard was challenging her now, seeing how far she could push.

"Because I can follow you. Anywhere. You're good Shepard, I'll give you that. But I don't think you can be on alert twenty four-seven, eventually you _will_ make a mistake." Polaris paused for dramatic effect.

_This woman really likes to hear herself talk,_ Shepard thought.

"And I'm wondering if your lieutenant will survive it."

Shepard couldn't fight the bubble of nervousness that floated up through her body. She was pretty sure she could keep both her and Kaidan safe for a long while. But it would only take a one-second lapse in judgment to be made vulnerable, and she wasn't really sure if she was willing to gamble Kaidan's life on her skills, no matter how good they were.

Besides, if this secret remained between them, she and Kaidan would continue to drift apart. If they did, there would be little she could do to protect him. "What do you want me to do?"

Rahna allowed herself another smile and stood a little straighter. She was still a good head shorter than Shepard, but it didn't make her seem any less powerful. Or confident.

"You will arrive at Jaynen and dock at Port Heratio. You will drive to the coordinates that I have just forwarded to your pilot, cheeky bastard that he is."

_Good man, Joker_. Shepard fought the smile that pulled on her lips.

"You will come to the Science and Practical Application building of my little home here and walk yourself to research room C3, where my guards will let you in. And you and I will have a little chat."

_C3, what?_

"_And_ you will come alone." The holo woman smirked again. "I think you'll find my compound on Jaynen quite impressive."

"I don't know why I shouldn't blow you and your base from the air." Shepard couldn't do that, she had to solve this the right way. But she wanted to see if she could use that as leverage anyway.

Rahna laughed. "And kill innocent bystanders? Come on, Shepard. You know better."

Shepard had felt this level of hatred only three times in her entire life. The first was for the batarians that attacked Mindoir when she was sixteen. Second, when she found out that the attack on her team on Akuze was intentional. And thirdly, towards Saren, when he escaped the bomb that killed Ashley.

"I think you'll do as I ask." Rahna said confidently when Shepard didn't respond. "I'll see you in a few days, Commander."

The holo disappeared.

The exchange had been brief. Rahna had been careful not to give away any more than necessary. And she had been successful. Shepard now had even more questions, without any answers. And she had a choice to make.

"Self righteous bitch." She said at the same time as Joker, his voice bouncing off the walls. She had only a small huff of a laugh left in her, but she tossed it to Joker.

"Yeah, sounds like you two hit it off." Shepard said.

"I may have suggested that she space herself and save us the time..." Joker said sounding amused with himself.

"Yeah..." Shepard offered unenthusiastically. "Joker, can I have a minute to think?"

"Sure, ma'am. But remember, if you need to talk..."

He didn't finish the sentence before he respectably closed the comm.

Shepard returned to her usual thinking position by the observation window. She felt drowsy, but not to the point of exhaustion yet. It was only in frustration that she closed her eyes and breathed deeply out her nose.

If she were to be honest with herself, she was tempted to speed as far away from Jaynen as possible, keeping Kaidan and her crew safe.

For a moment she let herself think they could fly far enough away. To a place so obscure Kaidan's past would never find them. Then she felt the twist in her gut when she realized if she ran away now, she would forever wonder if Rahna was only an alleyway behind them, waiting to take revenge on the couple.

And even if Shepard could somehow make them safe again, "her and Kaidan" may not exist. Without the truth being forced into the open, the secret would continue to spread the distance between them like a great chasm until there would be no way to stand together.

It was then Shepard remembered the picture she had ripped off Rahna's wall on Syba. She had left it in the concealed side pocket of her armor, but she didn't need to retrieve it from her locker to know exactly what she would see in that image.

An uninhibited man, using every muscle in his arm and every inch of his hand to hold his woman tight against him as was physically possible. She would see how the fingers had slid down her back to rest below her waist. She could remember the gentle curve of his lips in a smile, his eyes intense and full of meaning.

The woman would be smiling too, lips pulled back enough to show the edge of perfect teeth. And she would be snuggled against him.

The subjects of the picture were people who were unattainable. _That_ Kaidan had been unafraid of her, had trusted her, and wanted nothing more from her then what they had.

And why should he? They had everything. Their lives had lain in open understanding. They had been not only allowed the shore leave that had developed and nourished their love, but also the order for no interruption of that time. Everything was untainted, pure, honest, and unmarked.

And as much as Shepard hated caring so much for anything as fragile as another human being, she had never felt more free than she had there, in Flux. Where for the first time she could keep her tortured childhood memories and prothean nightmares at bay with sweet dreams, and could be only a woman.

But even then she had been caged. She just hadn't known it.

But the photo itself was evidence of her capture. Those moments didn't belong to her. Or even Kaidan. They belonged to Rahna, to the woman who had them followed.

Every flash that had captured her and Kaidan in frozen form both chastised and imprisoned her. They mocked how happy and easy and sweet her life had been. For the first time since she was sixteen. And then Rahna had stolen every precious moment of it.

Even Emily Wong's photo-clipped article hadn't really seemed so public and open to scrutiny until Shepard had seen it among Rahna's collage.

And just like that, Shepard surged with renewed and raging resolve.

She leaned her elbows on her knees and clenched her fists as she felt the reinforcing emotion course her veins.

Rahna wasn't just threatening her present and future relationship with Alenko, she was also a danger to the past eight and a half months of Shepard's time with Kaidan.

Rahna had compromised Shepard's relationship, invaded Shepard's privacy, and intruded on her life.

Shepard stood as her new found energy sped through her system.

She made her decision, and knew now that there was no other option. She was going to Jaynen. And she was going to end this once and for all.

She let her fervor take over and she marched herself out of the comm room. She headed straight for the med lab.

She needed a plan, and she knew exactly who to go to.

* * *

Shepard was already emotional spent when she stepped through the doors to med lab.

There was the bustle of movement as Chakwas and Tali moved about the cabin, checking on the five quarians that had been infected with human diseases and viruses, trying to find a method between them to at least stop the symptoms.

There had only ever been three metal cots jutting out from the side wall, but someone had taken some of the larger crates from the back room and set them up along the opposite wall to form three more. Garrus lie hooked up to equipment in the far corner. On the other side of his cot Drellis stood still in loyal vigil.

A crew member Shepard recognized as one of the heat load monitor-technicians was straddling a crate next to the make shift bed, talking with Garrus. Something about being 'glad he was safe' and 'welcome back'. Shepard felt comforted that the other crew members of the _Normandy_ had welcomed her band of misfits as wholly as she did.

Shepard took her time getting to the turian. She spent a few moments to talk to each individual quarian as she made her way across the floor. The others had already been evaluated, approved, and moved below deck.

They all offered her thanks and she tried her best to make them feel safe and welcome. But those here in the med bay were all ill, some worse than the others.

It was by the third one that it really hit Shepard what these people had been through.

This one hadn't had a suit at all. He had been the lead technician on the repair crew, in charge of the others, and had volunteered to be one of the unfortunate ones to go without a suit when the flotilla vessel had been captured.

He was old, and boils and hives covered the planes of his round face from whatever bug had attacked his system.

There was something odd about seeing a quarian outside of their envirosuit. It happened so rarely, and the event created a bond between the quarian and the viewer.

There he was: this weathered alien, vulnerable and weak. And he trusted her to take care of him, if only because he had no choice.

Rahna had hurt so many in her anger... _so many._

The spite Shepard felt sped her to Garrus's cot.

His human visitor was chattering away. "You know that young woman that helped rescue you?"

"The teenager?" Garrus asked. Shepard was relieved to hear his voice was smooth and sturdy, not as pained or weary as the other inhabitants of medlab.

The private nodded. "That's Sarah Williams. The chief's sister."

Garrus chuckled. "I thought she looked familiar. I bet she's a fierce fighter."

Shepard allowed herself a smile as she stepped up to the cot. "She laid the lieutenant out flat on his back yesterday with some hand to hand." She said proudly.

Garrus met her eyes and his face broke into a smile.

The joy at knowing he was safe lifted Shepard out of her brief depression. It occurred to her that for a woman who had survived on not getting personal with coworkers, this whole crew had somehow managed to get under her skin.

"You have no idea how good it is to see you, Commander."

"Drellis… Sanders." She said, addressing the private. "Could you give us a moment?"

"Yes, ma'am." Private Sanders answered quickly. Drellis looked like he much would've rather stayed, but with an encouraging nod from Vakarian he followed the human out of the infirmary.

When they'd left, Shepard took the man's place on the crate next Garrus and examined the turian herself. He had some discoloration on the skin above his right eye, and pretty clean gash along the right of his jaw, but he seemed mainly in one piece. In fact, Shepard was curious as to why he was stuck in med bay.

"So what happened, Spectre?" She asked, letting the fact that he was relatively okay make her relax a little more.

He shook his head disapprovingly. "Polaris happened."

"Yeah?" Shepard chuckled. "Her and what army?"

"No, just her." He replied without humor.

One of Shepard's organs disappeared. Somewhere amid her confusion is simply fell out and left a gaping void in the pit of her gut. Or at least, that's how it felt. "What?"

"It's that magenta light." He answered. He sounded disappointed in himself.

"Yeah, we encountered some of that." Shepard shared. "She had covered our way out with it. We had to go through it."

"You passed through it?"

"Yeah…" She verified. Why did he sound so surprised?

Then understanding flickered across his face. "Were any of you injured at the time?"

"No…" She said slowly. What was he getting at?

He gravelly smiled at her confusion. "It's energy, Shepard. Very similar to the dark biotic energy. But this is... something else."

"Wait… what?! That's what did this to you?"

He groaned and sat up a little, leaning his back against the wall before continuing.

"Well, not in the way you're probably thinking."

She looked at him expectantly.

Garrus sighed. "It's hard to explain... it does _something_. You have to bear with me while I try to explain this... I've never seen anything like it."

Shepard leaned forward over his bed and crossed her arms on the edge of his cot.

"It doesn't attack in the sense that your lieutenant can push a geth with enough force to crush it. It's more like something she uses to manipulate your own personal energy or something." He was stumbling with words. And Shepard was getting tired of hearing the word "something". But she didn't let him know that.

"It surrounds you. And then it's like she draws it back, but when she does... it's like it takes a part of you with it."

Shepard was careful not to move, not to disturb Garrus as he relived his memory. When he came back to the present he turned to her.

"I saw watched her murder those quarians. It's like she was trying to test herself, to see how quickly she could leave them empty and souless shells."

Shepard's head wasn't working. She was trying to wrap her mind around the concept but she couldn't grasp it. "That wouldn't be a biotic thing…"

"I don't even know an asari matriarch who can do _that_." His small eyes glanced at Shepard. "That's why I'm here recovering from a tiny scratch. My body doesn't have the strength to rejuvenate and heal itself."

"Is there any way to counter it?"

He shook his head, but when he spoke he sounded amused. "Tactics?"

"Great, I'm not doing so hot on that front lately."

Chakwas appeared at his bedside to check the turian's monitors and the two fell silent. Shepard stood and helped Chakwas adjust things so that Garrus could sit up, which he did. When Chakwas left Shepard sat on the edge of the bed. She made sure the doctor was well immersed in the needs of another patient before speaking.

"Why didn't the light do anything when we walked through it?" She wondered aloud.

Garrus seemed confused as well. "Maybe because she wasn't there to manipulate it? It's close enough to a biotic type that it can sit formulated on its own without direction or purpose for awhile before dispersing. Without a goal or direction from the user I suppose it's just manifested energy."

So it confirmed Shepard's theory that the light had been less a shield than a distraction and communications scrambler.

Had Kaidan understood what he was feeling when he stepped through? Had he ever generated something like that? He was the most powerful human biotic Shepard knew of.

But whatever it was Rahna did wasn't biotic based.

_What happened to you?_ Shepard asked the image of the cruel woman in her head.

"Did you have a chance to discover anything new before you were caught?"

"I think I managed to download some kind of building plans. I think they are for her compound in the Sentry Omega, but I can't be sure."

"She didn't take them from you when you were captured?" Shepard asked. That didn't sound like a mistake the strategic Rahna would make.

Garrus shrugged. "Maybe she didn't know I had them."

"That sounds suspicious." Shepard noted. She'd have to remember to take a look at them with a critical eye.

Garrus nodded. Shepard got the feeling he wished he could offer her more, but she didn't know how to tell him he had done more than enough. He'd risked his life for her.

He looked up at her like he expected her to say something. When she didn't, he pressed on. "Does the lieutenant have any ideas on what she might be planning?"

Shepard sighed before she could even try to stop herself.

"You still haven't told him!?" Garrus said sternly and loudly. One of quarians coughed uncomfortably.

"Shhh!" Shepard hissed.

He rolled his hawk eyes at her (something very strange to see a turian do, but it was one of the odd habits he had picked up from the humans on board).

"Commander, you promised. I wouldn't tell him, if you agreed to tell him yourself."

"Eventually." Shepard corrected. "Like when I've already got her apprehended."

"What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard?" Garrus asked sternly.

Shepard's heart skittered. Kaidan had said those words once... long ago.

Would she be doomed to be reminded of the way she had once been with him? Would her sweet memories of him always come plagued now with images of the hurt in his face and the sound of pain in his voice... the anger she saw in his eyes?

"You know there's a chance she won't come quietly. You _need_ Alenko-"

"To stay out of the way." Shepard glared at Garrus. She was really getting tired of this conversation.

Garrus matched her irritation. Before her eyes he transformed from a polite young C-Sec officer she'd met in the presidium to a powerful and dangerous spectre.

"I don't pretend to understand human tendencies, but it's my experience that relationships take place between two people who love and _trust_ each other."

"This is not about trust!" She bit out for the second time that day. "Why do you even care what happens between Alenko and myself anyway?"

"Because I've worked with you two since that first time I met you both in on the Citadel ten months ago. I have _never_ respected a human as much as I respect you!"

Something in Garrus made Shepard uneasy. She wasn't used to being on this side of his anger.

"And no one had shown me the welcome, encouragement, and lessons that you and your crew have given me. So I'm going to try to help you out: _Tell_ _him_."

"I_ can't_!" Shepard shouted.

"Shhhh!" Chakwas shushed from two beds away.

Shepard glared at her turian companion.

"Look Garrus," she tried again when she'd calmed some, "I'm starting to think I know what she's doing."

"Elaborate." Garrus said curtly. He was obviously still displeased at her decision to keep her silence about Polaris.

"She knows too much about how I think. She needed everything planned out just so..."

Shepard's head squeezed for just a second in a weird confused pressure, and then like a floodgate, everything made sense. Just as she had been getting ready to tell Garrus, there had to be a reason for even the small actions Rahna had taken so far.

And the epiphany hit her like being dropped in ice cold water, all at the same time. Everything was clear.

"That's why she kept you alive." Shepard whispered. It was so quiet she could've been talking to herself. And in a weird way she almost was.

_C3_. Rahna had said for Shepard to meet her in room C3. Shepard had had no clue what she had been talking about. Shepard hadn't known Garrus had gotten away with the building layout schematics. But Rahna _knew_.

Rahna knew everything.

"Wait, what?"

"Garrus!" Shepard nearly gasped. All of the sudden the words were coming at her faster than she could speak them as she tried to explain to him the instant understanding that had just exploded in her mind. "She did know she was firing kronots that day! She knew it wouldn't kill me! It was just the catalyst to this whole mess! She knew I'd want answers!"

Shepard spoke in harsh and quick whispers, letting the urgency to explain herself push her sentences from her brain into the air.

Garrus was starting to catch on as well. His tone met hers as she watched the dots connect behind his eyes. "She's been leading you to Jaynen all along..."

"But you went to find her immediately instead of my waiting to recover and coming after her myself!"

"Messing with her timeline-"

"So when she captured you she kept you alive-"

"To ensure you would come after me..." Garrus whispered. He wasn't looking at Shepard anymore. He was staring at the far wall as if the answers were written amid the dark paint.

"But we were moving too fast. She wasn't ready for us yet. So she diverted us to Vebinok. Probably thinking Karx would hold us prisoner until she was ready for us. But Karx installed explosives without her knowing, he had held no intention of letting me walk away." Shepard said.

Garrus continued. "But that base was a resource she needed. So when it exploded she was set back again."

"Which explains why she was still on Syba when she should've been on Jaynen preparing for... well whatever it is."

Shepard's second wave of cognition rolled over her. Her primitive and primal instincts let her finish her thoughts. "We should've known! She's too smart to leave the _Sea Star_ without wiping the captain's console! She erased everything but what she wanted us to find... the Conatix research. Remember you said there was hardly anything in the computer?"

Garrus nodded too. "I bet that OSD was planted too. With the picture- She wanted us to know who she was!"

Shepard was impressed with how careful the woman's planning had really been. "Conantix may have nothing to do with this; it's been a dead company for years."

She scoffed at how obvious Rahna had been. Shepard should've been able to see this. She thought she was just doing her job well. Not that everything she'd learned had been handed to her in such a way to make her _think_ she was discovering all this on her own. "Everything is going as she wants it to. She's had a few setbacks, but it's still going as smooth as silk for her."

Garrus was quiet again in his own thoughts. The adrenaline that came with the epiphany was beginning to slow. "She let me escape with the Jaynen compound plans. But why?"

Shepard kept silent. Garrus was a spectre, and extremely observant. It was only a matter of-

"You know why." He stated simply, expecting her confirmation.

Chakwas was fully occupied with the older sick quarian. Shepard leaned close into Garrus and lowered her voice even more.

"She contacted me. We actually just had a.... video conference."

Garrus sucked in a short breath in anticipation.

"She told me to meet her alone."

"No." Garrus said, shaking his hawklike face.

"I don't have a choice, Garrus. It's this or a bloodbath, for both sides."

"Shepard," he whispered urgenty, "you just said so yourself that we've been playing right into her hands. We're close to the end now. Doing what she wants now is a death sentence."

"I don't think so." Shepard disagreed in hushed tones. "She's made ample sure that we should know who she is by now. I think she must think Alenko knows."

"She'll expect him to come with you."

"Exactly."

Garrus finally nodded in a resigned expression. "Then you have to make sure he's nowhere near you. You can't tell him, it's your only advantage. I'd bet a huge amount of her plan banks on him."

Shepard nodded. "Garrus, I'm going to need your help."

"You've got a plan?"

Shepard looked around the medlab. Chakwas and Tali finally had everyone settled, and the doctor sat at her desk on the other side of the room, most likely filling out service logs. Tali was deep in conversation with one of the quarians, easily twenty feet away.

Shepard turned back to Garrus, dropping her whisper to little more than empty air.

"I'm sneaking off the ship." She said quietly. "I'm going to go to the port like she asked, and tell the teams to meet me in the cargo bay for a final review of the 'plan'."

"While you sneak out the airlock." Garrus finished. "You sure you want to give her what she wants?"

"It's the only way to find out what it _is_ that she wants. Besides, she asked me to do this through a video message, which isn't discreet by any means. And if she thinks the lieutenant knows, especially when she also knows we are together..."

"She thinks he won't let you go alone." Garrus finished.

"Well, she knows him pretty well then." Shepard grumbled.

"She's doing everything in her power to make sure you are both there." Garrus commented.

As if at this point Shepard needed any more reasons to keep Kaidan from going with her. "Which is why I have to go on my own. It's the best chance for ending this without bloodshed."

Garrus still seemed to wade through his own thoughts, while Shepard had been more direct and intentional in her thought processes.

"I still don't like the idea of you going alone." He finally admitted.

"I know." She wasn't used to not having back up either. She'd been a spectre for nearly a year now, but she'd never completely worked on her own. It was too haunting, remembering the solitude she'd endured on Akuze after her unit had died. The silence as she walked over the broken and crumbled cement that remained of the Mindoir colony. "But it's going to be hard enough keeping the lieutenant convinced I'm still on the ship, let alone if others disappear with me."

"Yeah, yeah... you're right. If anyone can handle this solo, you can. I know that." Garrus was very reluctant to agree with her. "You are going to need Joker to keep the computer from exposing you."

"I think he'll do it for me. But I can't be sure of how willing he might be to tell Alenko."

"Well, you better make sure he doesn't. I can try to keep the lieutenant on board for as long as possible, but once he realizes you're gone I don't think there will be much stopping him from following."

"I know." Shepard said quietly. Then added, "I'll leave really early. Before the others even get off of sleep shift. Tell them I said we're in no hurry, and I have to prep the rest of the _Normandy_ crew. Maybe that will keep him convinced for a little while."

"So we're going to pretend we don't have this figured out yet?"

"Yeah." Now that Shepard knew what she was doing, she was eager to follow through. The sooner this could be all over, the better. For her, for Kaidan, and for her and Kaidan together.


	17. We Are Broken

**Chapter XVII: We Are Broken**

"_Keep me safe inside_

_Your arms like towers._

_Tower over me._

'_Cause we are broken._

_What must we do to restore,_

_Our innocence?"_

_-We Are Broken, _Paramore

**Shepard**

Shepard busied herself until the time came that she could talk to Joker. She ran a few scrimmages with Sarah, but mostly stayed below deck with the quarians that were being housed in the cargo bay.

Between that, docking with the trade station, and departing again she managed to keep herself occupied and out of Kaidan's sight for that first day. She doubted she could remain that lucky, but she never stopped hoping. She skipped her usual dinner shift with Sarah and Jones, knowing that Alenko would surely be there.

It was late, well past sleep shift that she finally snuck up to the bridge.

Joker of course, was unsurprised to see her. "How are you, Commander?"

Robotically, Shepard almost answered as she always did. And it wasn't the words that stopped her. It was the tone. It didn't belong to her pilot. At least not the Joker she had known. It was filled with great concern, and she wasn't really sure how to reply.

Slowly, she lowered herself into the copilot's chair, and eyed him with reflected worry.

When she didn't say anything Joker glanced at her. He looked a little uncomfortable but he shrugged. "I just know you've had a long day is all... ma'am." The concern never left his voice.

Shepard still didn't answer. She wasn't really equipped to handle this. If someone as impartial and objective as Joker was concerned about her relationship... well, it didn't bode well for her.

"I thought maybe after what happened last night, you might've gotten the chance to sort through stuff today, but-"

"Excuse me?" All of sudden Shepard was wide awake and very vocal. Joker knew about what happened in her quarters. And there were no cameras in her room, of that she was sure. She'd made sure after Ilos.

Joker caught himself. "Well, I mean he didn't tell me any of the details- not that I wanted to know- but... oh crap."

"I cannot _believe_ he told you!" Shepard said accusingly.

"He was concerned." Joker offered. "Hell, I am!"

"But Joker, it's not your job to be concerned about us okay?" Shepard said running her hand over her face. This was embarrassing beyond belief, but the embarrassment was a little clouded by the anger that Kaidan had thought he had needed to divulge that information to anyone.

"Commander..." Joker said sounding exhausted. He sounded like a dad trying to make his kid understand something his child could just not comprehend.

Shepard released the air she had sucked in at the news, but she didn't say anything.

"Shepard." Joker tried again, using her name this time. "Look... we're all like family in here. And since I'm practically glued to this chair, this ship is my home, my world. I care about everyone aboard."

"I don't like that he drug you into this." She said bitterly.

Joker nearly laughed. "You honestly think we don't know? You think the crew doesn't sense when things between you two change?"

Shepard glared at him. No she wasn't that blind, but she at least had thought her and Kaidan had been discreet enough to keep it from being a main topic of discussion. And definitely had been subtle enough to prevent _this_ conversation. "I thought that maybe they knew we were together. Not everything though. Not the... problems."

Problems... her and Kaidan were having problems. No matter how she said it, it didn't sound right.

Joker saw the look on her face and laughed again. Short, and with mild amusement, but the concern stayed in place. "With all due respect ma'am, I don't think you realize how what you and Alenko have affects people around here."

He took a moment, probably to gather words. Shepard had a few seconds in which she could've interrupted him, but she didn't. Joker never said anything that wasn't important, at least not when he was so intense like this. It just wasn't who he was. And if he was taking the time to be serious long enough to tell her something, she figured she probably needed to hear it.

"No one knows when or how it happened... but somehow, what happens between you two... the whole crew feels it. I know they talk about it. The engineers, the technicians, the ground teams.

"I mean if you think about it, whatever history the _Normandy_ had either seen or made, it is there because of us. We're the only ones to call this home, and what you have... you two together... It's what makes us want to work harder, and do better.

"You think we don't know that you are trying to avoid each other? Trying to keep away for our benefit? You think we can't see how hard it is for you two to be back here after being together for so long? We see what you're doing for us. All of us.

"We need to take care of each other, Shepard. That's what the_ Normandy_ is. You know this whole Reaper mess... it's on hold now, but when it picks back up, no matter what happens, or how it ends, whether we defeat them or we die trying, we are going to do it together. Every single one of us.

"And no one..." Joker lowered his voice, a little lost in his own thoughts now. "No one else in this galaxy knows that."

He looked sideways at her, willing her to understand. "And you think it bothers us that you two love each other?"

Shepard began to breathe properly again, humbled that Joker had been so straightforward and emotional with her. "What did he say to you?" She asked, trying to keep the edge out of her voice.

"He said you shy away from him. He wonders how close you're really letting him get."

Shepard groaned and slid further down into the chair. For a long while they didn't say anything. Her embarrassment was soon covered by the realization of what it was Kaidan had said.

It was almost unfair. Kaidan had been as heavily guarded as anyone. Not letting anything interfere with work or time on duty. In fact, those first few months on the _Normandy_ it was tough to get him to open up about anything.

Even now there were things he'd never tell her.

Like that he loved her.

But that really wasn't fair of her. He'd showed her so many times...

The first time was the night before Ilos... then those blissful weeks on Ondalium.

And then on shore leave. And while they hotel hopped and searched for an apartment. And even when they'd found theirs in the wards and started moving in…

She knew he loved her. Even now she knew. Just by the argument they had had thirteen hours ago in the debriefing room, she knew it.

But why was it so hard for him to say?

"Sometimes I feel like _I_ have to fight for _him_."

"You know, you've both been through so much... you'd think you would be willing to cut each other some slack every once in awhile."

Shepard wanted out of this conversation. She knew she couldn't win against Joker. He had all the cards. He knew what was going on with Shepard and Alenko more than the couple itself did, and it was because he could see them both so objectively. Shepard was too emotionally invested now to remain so neutral. "Speaking of cutting some slack." She said, smoothly changing the subject. "I have something I need you to do."

"Should've seen this coming." Joker said, melding into the more familiar and comfortable pilot.

"Is there any way to keep the computer from recognizing I've left the ship?" She asked.

Joker grumbled something about the uselessness of trying to talk her out of it before hitting some buttons on the orange sensor screen to his left. "This is more than a standard Alliance vessel, Commander, of course the brass makes sure it's completely secure. Even I can't be as creative with the programming as to trick the computer into thinking someone is here when they're not. But..." He continued, hands dancing over the controls. "I may be able to manipulate the vocal registration."

After a couple buttons the bridge of filled with the familiar voice of the ship. "The commanding officer is aboard. Mr. Most-handsome-rugged-and manly-pilot-in-the-universe stands relieved."

Shepard choked on her own laugh.

"Yeah, I know, I still have to fix the end. But I got the important part working." Joker grinned lopsidedly. "Now I just have to replace the vocal track with a phrase less incriminating."

"Can't you just cut the sound altogether?" Shepard asked practically.

"Well," Joker said slowly. "I could but that wouldn't be very fun now would it? No secret codenames, no hidden warnings or foreshadowing of death? Just silence?" He asked like she was a little kid saying 'no' to candy.

"Yes, please." Shepard said. "Keep it simple. I can't really afford to mess this up."

"So I guess that means you are going to do what the crazy woman wants?"

Shepard stood from her chair and stretched. She needed to get to sleep. Horribly. "Yes. What's the ETA for Jaynen?"

"Oh-four-hundred Alliance Standard."

"Good." She replied. "Keep it that way. And pull right in instead of orbiting. Tell the teams to meet in the cargo bay at oh-eight-hundred. That should give me the time I need before anyone realizes I'm not where I should be."

"Ma'am." Joker said. "Since you've assigned Alenko your second, once you leave the ship he's in charge. You only have until he realizes you're gone to do what you need to."

"Well then let's hope he doesn't check the personnel logs." She said, moving to stand behind her chair.

"Just be careful. I'd hate to have you both in there and not know what the hell is going on." Joker said.

It was given in his usual flippant easiness. But Shepard understood what he meant. "Sure, Joker. Thank you."

She finally turned to leave. Everything was in place now. All she had to do was wait. For two days. _Crap_.

"Oh, and Joker?" She added as an afterthought, halfway turning in the bridge. "Thanks for the talk. Even if I didn't want to hear it."

Joker laughed. "Sure thing, Commander. You know maybe I should start charging for these little talks, what do you think?"

"I think you can't charge for something you push on people." Shepard said teasingly.

"Fine. I just thought you needed to hear it." He said over his shoulder. "But if you ever do want to talk-"

"Joker." Shepard interrupted. She was ready for bed. No more talking. She'd spent all day talking. _And do you know what it did? It made me tired._ "There's a red flashing warning on your screen there." She said.

"What? Oh, damnit! Crap... where?" He asked frantically.

When Shepard didn't say anything he turned awkwardly around to ask her to point or gesture to help him out. But she was gone. A quick glance through the security monitors showed her slipping down the stairs to mid-deck.

"I hate it when she does that."

* * *

The three days to Jaynen were three days of hell. By the second day Shepard was sure she would shrivel up and die under Kaidan's hateful scorn.

She so thoroughly avoided Alenko that she only caught glimpses of him throughout the day. No easy task in such a small ship. For the first time Shepard realized how tiny the _Normandy_ really was. It was so small that her anger and frustration would bounce back off the walls and return to her before she could know what it had been like without it.

And with Kaidan on board, she was adrift in an ocean without a safety float. And she knew somewhere in the deep depths a shark was searching for the opportune time to attack.

She stopped taking her meals with the usual group. Sometimes when Sarah found Shepard eating she would stay and chat, but she seemed to understand how deeply Shepard needed her space.

There was enough to keep her busy, at least for awhile. It was easy to feel obligated to spend time taking care of the quarians. But even that escape was taken in short hours when they finally met with the flotilla escort.

Shepard was thanked again for all she had done, and she of course had shaken hands, and smiled, and told the quarians they were welcome. All the while believing that if she had been faster, she could've saved more.

With the aliens gone, the ship was unmercifully empty, and she began trying to find other ways to spend her time outside of Kaidan's detective radius.

She spent a lot of time talking to Garrus. Until one time as she was leaving the med bay, Kaidan was entering to visit with the turian. It was awkward and intense. They both stiffened, too afraid to speak to each other in case their argument would just pick up where it left off.

The hours ticked by like that. And Shepard could feel the electricity between them build. She knew he felt it too in the way he would never allow himself more than a glance at her when she ran into him.

Every time she saw him the anticipation leapt and poured over the deck of the ship, threatening to wash them away.

Something was coming. Something had to give. Jaynen would kill them both if the bridge between her and Kaidan stood steady and unburned.

The pressure would force them both to burn that bridge before they reached Sentry Omega. The only thing she wasn't sure of was whether they would be on the same side or on opposite banks when the beams fell- charcoaled and black- into the depths.

There would be no turning back. They would be stubbornly together, or forever apart.

For the first time in a year Shepard went twenty four hours without thinking about the Reapers and politics and all the crap that came with it.

There were just these excruciating hours she had to bear- waiting for something to break.

She knew even the crew felt it. They left her alone to brood moodily over the argument she played over and over in her head like a song she couldn't stop singing.

She was growing anxious and impatient. For two whole days she went about her duties in a robotic impassionate trance, willing time to go faster. She wondered how Kaidan was dealing with it.

She held on to her anger, preparing for that one argument. Because he couldn't win the fight, and she would rather die than hurt him as badly as she would be forced to when the time came.

If she could die and know Rahna wouldn't come after him anyway she might've followed through instead of hurting him this way. But there was no guarantee, and she would rather hurt Kaidan and have him alive than have him killed by a woman he used to know.

In a roundabout way, it proved nothing had changed. She still would give her life to ensure he would keep his.

So she clung to every scrap of bitterness she could, which had been made easier by their explosion in the comm room after Syba.

It was about ten hours out from the Jaynen's system, Yehren, when the anticipation for the release of tension edged its way to physically painful. She knew Kaidan was loosing patience as well. And he was running out of time. It wouldn't be long now.

* * *

**Kaidan**

_Tick._

And in the time it took for the _tock_ to sound he could eat, check in with Joker, clean his locker, and inspect his equipment.

And through all that his jaw would be clenched, his neck tight, and his migraines would threaten to make themselves known.

His helpless situation was pushing Kaidan to the closest he had ever come to insane.

The first and second day he cluttered his mind with useless trivia, science facts, and childhood memories.

Anything but how fucked up things with Shepard had become. And he didn't dare let himself think about how they'd been three weeks ago, on shore leave.

Had it been three weeks? Only three weeks ago that he had been so sure about everything he had with Shepard.

If he let himself think too much he would remember how things had been on his first tour on the _Normandy_. Then the only problem he could ever foresee in their future had been punishment for fraternization between the ranks.

What a strange little concept.

But in the last twenty four hours before they entered Yehren, the fact that he was running out of time to convince her he was right made the air thick and hard to breathe.

He felt the tension shudder through his body when he passed her in the med lab on his way to Garrus. In a second their eyes met and all his muscles had involuntarily locked.

There was a shimmer of heat between them and then she was gone.

Kaidan didn't know what it was he thought he could get from Garrus. He started the conversation lightly. Asking the turian how he was doing and welcoming him back. The usual…

"Doctor Chakwas says I should be fine in time to go with you and the Commander when we reach Jaynen." Garrus said.

Kaidan let out a short, dry laugh and shook his head. "Ahh, Jaynen. It's starting to sound like the seventh circle of hell."

Kaidan settled himself in a chair next to the cot Garrus had been moved to when the quarians departed.

"I know why you're here, Lieutenant."

The turian's voice was filled with understanding. Kaidan felt a glimmer of hope. "It seems everyone seems to know more than me." Kaidan shook his head to himself and continued. "I know you know what it is. What she's hiding."

"And you came looking for answers." Garrus finished for him. "I hold you in the upmost respect, Lieutenant. But you know I can't tell you what you want to know."

"Yeah. I know." Kaidan said. Of course he had known, really he should've, Garrus was unyieldingly loyal to Shepard. "I guess I kind of at least hoped you could tell me why she's keeping whatever it is from me."

Garrus smiled. "You're a smart man, Alenko. There's little I could say without you figuring it out. And I would be in fear for my life if Commander Shepard ever suspected you had learned it from me. "

Kaidan sighed. "Yeah… I understand. Thanks, Garrus. I'm glad we'll have you with us on Jaynen. It sounds like we'll need it."

Kaidan stood and wasted no time trying to escape from yet another dead end.

"Alenko."

He looked back at Vakarian.

"I know she's doing it because she thinks it better for you." Garrus offered.

"Thanks, Garrus." Kaidan saluted the turian with respect.

_But it only proves how little she knows about me._

* * *

It was late that night when he found her. She was in the cargo bay, checking the teams' equipment by the lockers. Everyone seemed to have vacated the area in the late hour. He had his chance to talk to her. And it was now. So he strode over to her.

Seeing her work like that, in her own little world where everything was mechanical and everything could be proved... it reminded him how things used to be. All those months ago, on his first tour on the _Normandy,_ when he first started feeling this fire of attraction for his forbidden commander, things had been complicated. But it would only be too easy for him to forget all about the obstacles when she appeared in his vision, eyes shining and smile beautiful.

Those complications were nearly non-existent compared to what he faced now. When was the last time he had seen her smile? He missed Shepard. The one that trusted him, and wanted him.

Weeks ago, when he had held her shaking against him as the venom of the kronots had coursed her system, she had gone into her waves of not really being there, taking the Shepard he knew with it and leaving him with the quaking body. The person it had taken did not return then the toxins had run their course. She'd been someone else. And she still was.

He had to get through to her. If he didn't... there would be nothing left for him. There would be no room for them to be together. For his own sanity he would have to walk away.

She was strangling them.

He knew when her body recognize his presence when he drew near. Her movements slowed, and the muscles in her arm shimmered the slightest bit.

"I think we need to talk." He said quietly. He'd been angry, but he didn't want to start this conversation that way. If there was a good way to go about this, he wanted to find it.

She stopped checking the power cells in the pistol she was holding and looked at him. She seemed to be considering how to handle him. He almost sighed in frustration that she was still going about this tactfully and strategically, when she should be willing to just _talk_ to him.

It only reminded him how tired he was of playing her games.

"What?" He pushed.

"I'm trying to decide if that is a good idea." She said. But she finished inspecting the weapon, returned it to its locker, and closed the compartment.

"It's better than avoiding talking about it." Oops. A little venom had snuck in there. But he couldn't let her walk away now. If provoking her anger was the only way to get through to her, he would do it.

She met his eyes with new fierceness. She'd picked up on it.

She began to move to the elevator, and he followed a step behind her.

"I told you, I can't tell you what you want to know." She growled.

But he didn't drop it. "And I told you, I can't let this go."

She pressed the button for the elevator and there was whir as it descended from above deck. Kaidan had just come down it, why wasn't it here?

She sighed. "Lieutenant, this will be over soon. Can't you wait until then?"

"Don't do that." He said curtly, shaking his head at her. "Don't pull that crap with me. While we're talking personal you can call me by name.

"And no, I can't." he added.

"I don't think this is a good idea!" She said again louder. Next to her the elevator beeped its arrival and the doors slid open. "It's late, we're both irritable. Let's just get up in the morning, we'll prepare for the mission-"

She stopped. The elevator wasn't empty. Franklin stood in the white light, blonde eyebrows raised.

Jones complicated things. He didn't know about the secrets or what really was happening. Kaidan had only told Joker about his last few encounters with Shepard.

But she was looking for a way out; he could see the gears turning in her head.

She was going to make it difficult. She wanted to avoid him as long as possible.

But he was running out of time.

"I can't really prepare for a mission when I am only allowed part of the facts!" He pressed. He made sure Jones was paying attention as well. If he involved the kid Shepard would have to talk to him. Shepard wouldn't want Jones to know what was going on either.

"Alenko…" She warned.

He'd pressed a button. If she was going to make it difficult he was going to make her confront him.

"Tell me, Jones." Kaidan said, not bothering to keep the chagrin out of his voice. He turned sideways, blocking the younger marine's escape. "What do you know about this mission?"

"Kaidan!" She said stepping closer to him.

"Are there any secrets she's keeping from_ you_?" Kaidan said louder, demanding an answer.

By now Kaidan had expected the kid to respond. After all Kaidan outranked him. But Franklin remained silent and shot Shepard a furtive glance.

"Kaidan Alenko!" Shepard shouted. But she wasn't quite ticked enough yet. The only way he could guarantee his fair argument with her was to make her so angry she'd have to fight with him.

"Answer me, Corporal!"

But Jones didn't. He didn't confirm or deny that he knew anything more than he should.

And it was a dead giveaway.

Kaidan felt something in his stomach twist. "You know what it is." He said in shocked realization.

Jones knew. Well, then Sarah must know. Did everybody know but him? How many people did Shepard have lying for her?!

Kaidan. Lost. It.

He shot his gaze between Shepard and Jones. "You know! _You _fuckin_g know_!"

"LIEUTENANT!"

_That_ voice, he registered.

And there she was at full height. Her eyes blazed and her body shook in rage.

Kaidan looked back to Jones who wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Jones you are dismissed go about your business." Shepard said tightly.

Franklin fled the elevator into the cargo area looking thoroughly guilty.

Shepard turned from Kaidan and promptly stomped into the light. But she misjudged the tiny difference in level and tripped over the threshold.

Her arms flew out wildly to catch herself but Kaidan's reflexes were faster. His arms were around her waist, steadying her before he even knew what he was doing.

But the look on her face was priceless. It was lit with anger and shock at her own clumsiness.

His stone-set face cracked when he caught sight of her expression. His mouth lifted the tiniest bit in a smile and he coughed to cover it up. She was so obviously mortified, but in her frustration with him she refused to show it. It only added to the absurdity of the whole situation.

He set her upright and she immediately stepped to the opposite site of the elevator of him. He watched her anger battle with her own embarrassment as red started to swirl under her cheeks.

But if anything, the incident only made her more irritated. "Thank you." She said quickly, and then added with more edge, "I'm still angry with you."

The argument had been paused, but not lessened in intensity. And the stormed between them raged on.

The air was electric as they both waited in anger for the elevator to reach mid-deck. It seemed to take its dear sweet time.

When the door finally gave way to the upper level they both nearly jumped out. Shepard made a bee line for her quarters, and he followed.

As soon as the door slid closed behind Shepard she was shouting at him.

"What the hell do you think you are doing!?"

She pushed his chest violently. It hadn't hurt, but it was the first time she'd actually touched him while she'd been angry.

"I can't believe you told them!" He matched her shout. "What is so bad that you can't tell me but you can tell my subordinates!"

"God, Kaidan I am tired of arguing over this!"

"I just don't understand why you can tell everyone, even lower officers about this mission, that has nothing to do with them, but you can't tell me?"

"This isn't about them Kaidan, I am doing this for you!"

He was tired of hearing that too. "You know what I want you to do for me!? Tell me why you are doing this! Tell me what it is that's going on that makes me so damn incapable of handling the truth! What so terrible that it is worth ruining out relationship over? What makes me so unworthy to fight at your side when you so willingly offer the spot to Jones or Sarah!?"

"Having you with me is not an option!"

"Then I'm not offering you a choice! That's it, Shepard!" He said. He was throwing his career away over this. But at this point he was willing. "I'll follow you! You won't stop me! You'll have to arrest me first! Have me transferred to groundside for the rest of my career, I don't care! I'm staying with you!"

She screamed. Not words, but just sounds of frustration. She crossed the five feet to her closet and punched it.

He was honestly a little proud of her for being able to control herself.

"So help me," she growled, "if I find you following me I will... I will kill you myself, Kaidan!"

"Well, who you going to take then, huh!? Who knows your secret and can protect you better than I can!?"

She slammed herself against her closet door. He heard something crack. He hoped it was the closet.

When she turned and he could see her face he was truly frightened. He'd never seen her so angry. Anyone so angry.

But there was something else there that he couldn't place.

Something flashed behind her eyes. And all of a sudden her threat that she would kill him if he followed her didn't seem so empty.

* * *

**Shepard**

_If he follows me, he'll die._

It was the only clear thought in her head.

Rahna would kill him.

"Well!? You going to take Garrus!? Jones!? Williams!? How many others know the truth!? How many more people do you trust more than you do me!?"

"I'm don't trust anyone more than you! And you're not coming!" She had to move but she had nowhere to go. She was going crazy. "I'm going alone!"

It was out before she could stop herself. Why had she told him that? Maybe because deep down some part of her wanted to tell him. Tell him _something_.

"What!? Are you _brain damaged_?!"

She ignored twinge of pain in her chest when her mind recalled the last time had asked her that. Back in the apartment.

A part of Shepard felt that they wouldn't share those moments anymore. This argument was burrowing deeper then the mission. This had become about them.

And he was going to leave her if she didn't find a way to get him to trust her.

"I can't believe after all this time, you STILL don't trust me!" She screamed.

"I could say the same for you!" He shouted.

She crossed the distance between them and pointed to his chest, unafraid that he could so easily overpower her.

"Everything I have done I have done for you! This is for us!"

"What _us_?! You don't even let 'us' exist!"

"Gah." She shouted pointlessly. She tossed her arms in her desperation to portray the whirling hurricane of frustration. "We're going in circles!"

"Well then let me spell it out for you, Shepard! I have never, ever until this last week wondered what the hell I was doing with you!"

Shepard was locked in a type of cryogenic state. If she allowed herself so much as a word she might say something they'd both regret.

He took advantage of her silence. "Even with the ranks, and the rules, and laws, and all the things _fucked_ _up_ about our situation, I never second guessed how right we were! And I don't know what the hell I'm doing here anymore!"

"You don't mean that!" She bit out. Maybe if she said is strong enough he would believe her.

He walked up to where she stood, frozen and shaking in rage. "Do you love me?!"

She couldn't speak. But he waited for an answer.

"Shepard, answer me or I'm leaving right now!" The tone of his voice was dangerous and threatening and it choked her.

"H-how… can you even...?"

He reached out a hand to her face. His own was furiously tight, and when he moved towards her she backed away.

He nodded as if it proved the earth was round. "_That's_ how! Because you pull away from me! Because you can see how badly this _hurts_ me and you do it anyway! That's how I can ask!"

"I never ever, say something I don't mean!" Shepard snarled through her teeth. "Kaidan if you only knew what I'm feeling right now..."

"Then let me know!" He was sounding pained again; pleading, on the verge of tears, but he was still yelling; the anger burning them both up. "Tell me! _Show_ me!"

Her vision blurred. After everything it all came down to how they felt about each other.

She ducked underneath his outstretched arm and stalked to the other side of the room where she could breath.

"I can't let you die, even if it means hurting you!"

This was the bridge, and they'd just lit the fire. He at least knew it was about _his_ life now. She would have to wait for it to fall away before she could tell which side she'd ended up on.

With him, or on the other side. Alone.

"And you think letting me die will be more painful then what you are doing to me right now!? That is your version of love?! I don't see how that really has anything to do with how I feel!"

"You won't even tell me you love me!" She argued, gesturing in exasperation.

"Shepard, you know how I feel, I didn't think I had to say it, I just haven't-"

"Well it would be nice to hear the words once in a while!" She interrupted. "Jesus, Kaidan, I'm crazy about you!"

"And yet it's so easy for you to push me away!?"

"You think this is easy? Going from feeling you wrapped around me eighty percent of the day to not even being able to kiss you when I want to? To be restrained from telling you how much I need- mmph!"

Her eyes widened when her words, which had been thrown with cruelty and vehemence, were muffled by the sudden force of his mouth on hers.

Before she had fully comprehended what had happened, she felt his hands grip her hips firmly and pull her to him in an aggressive claim that left her feeling disoriented. She felt his powerful hands trail her body, one very low on her back holding her close against him, her chest and stomach pressed tightly against his. By now she realized what was happening, and her head screamed at her to stop.

But they were both overwhelmed by a new feeling.

Oh god, she had forgotten how he'd felt. She had missed his meaningful embrace and his raw want and need for her. Had it been so long since she'd been with him last? Had she really gone for such a length of time without feeling this?

She sensed his hunger and felt a small flame of her own ignite in the pit of her stomach. But she was still angry, upset, and her mind fought against itself. Her anger was strong enough yet to consume her desire.

When her common sense started to win out she pushed against him, but it only served to make him more aggressive… and maybe even a little _possessive_.

His pure strength that held her fast into him was turning her on a lot more than it was pissing her off. Again, she realized he was winning.

_No._ She fought with both herself and Kaidan. _Don't do this. Not when you're angry, you know better_. She couldn't allow himself to kiss away her bitter emotions like that.

Her body betrayed her and she shivered against his lips, which he had expertly placed on her neck. Damn him for having six months experience in learning all the right buttons to press. _Damn him._

They danced a moment in that little tug of war on pulling and pushing and holding. She probably could've gotten away if she could just make her body behave. But her limbs had intentions of their own. She felt the warmth of his body beneath her hands even as she tried to resist him.

Her palms wouldn't press against him without silently reveling in the feel of his muscles. Her body, though she willed it to escape, was clinging desperately to the familiar stranger it had long missed.

She groaned, as much in pleasure as in frustration, while the feud inside her persisted. _No, this is wrong. You're still angry. And we're on the ship. We shouldn't… We said we wouldn't… dear god I've missed him so much._

Even as her two thoughts argued he began working her over, winning her piece by piece, demanding that she release herself to him. He gripped her, kissed her, and held her like he had five seconds to prove to her how much she meant to him. She'd denied herself physical contact for weeks, and now this was her punishment. Turning those hours and minutes into days of solid foreplay, and she didn't want to turn back now. But she must, she _must_.

"Kaidan-"

"Shhh."

Since they'd left the apartment a little less than two weeks ago, Shepard had discovered the meaning of the words 'longing' and 'desperation', but neither word could be used to describe what she sensed in Kaidan's voice in that instant. The sheer want in his whisper made her weak, and she trembled again.

Her veins were pumping liquid fire through her system in response to his body, her breath growing more and more shallow, aching burn pulsing through in every touch. The very temperature sent her spinning. Even as he began to pull at the belt of her uniform she struggled to regain control of herself. _Get out, Shepard. Get out now or you never will. _

"Kaidan, we shouldn't."

"I know." There it was again… the sound, the sense, the whisper that rode on his husky breath and clouded her mind.

The _want _bled and swirled with her anger. And like an epiphany she realized where his aggressiveness came from. She couldn't tell what was anger and what was desire anymore, just that the hybrid was powerful and relentless.

Despite her vocal protests, she couldn't keep her hands from him. There was just this emotion, this… force that crashed upon her body again and again. Her fingernails grazed his back, and he quivered, just as she had. It was wonderfully exciting to know they could still affect each other as strongly, as passionately now, as they did six months ago and as they did their first time. With him, it always felt like the first time.

That thought, that image, that sensation is what finally pushed her over the edge, and Commander Shepard lost control. Her resentment was lost among how much she had missed him. Her anger only fueled the fury with which she wanted him, and now it was all thrown into the new emotion that took control of her body.

She couldn't be angry anymore. She held on to the same negativity for so long it was weak and helpless against her emotion she had kept hidden and buried for weeks. She had _missed_ him.

The rest of the galaxy simply fell from her palm and crashed to the floor. She didn't even look at it to see if it had broken or bounced; now she held something else in her hands, and she devoted her complete self to him.

"Screw it." She finally said, forgetting all notions that they were doing something very, very, very wrong. This wasn't desire any more. It was _need_.

She tore as his shirt, but she was shaking like crazy. She kept tugging at it, only to growl in frustration seconds later when it hadn't come off as easily as she had wanted. Why was this so damn hard? _Aren't marines supposed to be ready at a moment's notice? _

He chuckled a little at her frustration and took a step away. He pulled off the material in a fluid motion. _Thank god_.

Excited, she ran her hands along his tightening muscles as he pulled her close again. She stopped asking herself why he was still able to affect her so strongly and instead sighed in a kind of rapture, just pleased that he did. Her sigh was replaced by a gasp when he lifted her up by her waist and tossed her. She landed with a soft thud on the bed. She hadn't remembered moving so close to it, but the fact that he had just picked her up and thrown her left her practically purring. She squirmed in anticipation and need.

Her heart skipped when she was rewarded with his sly smile. Quickly he took a single step of a running jump and landed himself next to her. His nearness and aggression were driving her out of sanity and thought. The last bit of her that clung to this reality of rules and secrets was shushed and she was no longer a commander. She was just a woman and she had no power at all to stop anything that was happening. The scariest part was that she didn't mind.

She and Kaidan had owned many similar nights in their time together, but the love here was mixed with something else. Some… forbiddance and desperation to make each other understand to what extent they cared about each other; determination to prove to one another that they- and what they had- were special, unique to humans, and even rarer among them. The love was built and packed with these things along with a release, a consent, a mission to show each other that their problems, arguments, and obstacles didn't matter. They were for each other.

There was only him. She could smell his skin, warm and pulsing, and feel his heartbeat loud and fast competing with her own. She could taste his sweat even while it clung to her skin mixing with her own perspiration. Shepard could sense his thoughts, desires, and hunger; all so overwhelming they drowned her own until it was all she knew… nothing else existed. There was just a vast blurry feeling, this experience that she couldn't really begin to fathom or capture with petty definitions. Nor did she really want to. Once something could be explained, could be conveyed in words as easily as it had been in feeling, it lost its magic. There was no doubt in a single cell of her being, that what was happening between them right now was the most magical thing that had ever existed.

And trying to put it into words made it sound so much weaker, feebler than the fierce experience. As Shiala the asari had stated all that time ago on Feros, it would be like describing color to an animal without eyes.

There were no words.

She was lost to the world, the galaxy, and the living. For truly, her and Kaidan… they were beyond any of it.


	18. Let Me In

**Chapter XVIII: Let Me In**

"_But I don't want to look at you this way  
I'm staring through your window  
I don't want to think of you this way  
I'm begging baby, just let me in._

_This white flag waving just won't end up saving us.  
This is farewell unless somehow you let me in."_

-_Let Me In_, Hot Hot Heat

**Kaidan**

Kaidan lay on his back, chest rising unsteadily, sweat glistening over him in tiny beads. His heart tried desperately to return to a pace at which he could survive while he let out a sigh of fitful contentment.

"Wow." Said an airy voice, the owner's breath ragged, and Shepard laid her head in the crook of his shoulder. She snuggled into her righteous place at his side, her arm wrapping tightly around his stomach. His right hand gripped her forearm across their bodies while his left arm encased her shoulders, his fingers absently rubbing circles into the back of her shoulder. He tucked her head beneath his chin. Now this was blissfully familiar. This is where they belonged.

"Yeah." He agreed. _Okay so maybe that was a little irresponsible. _He thought, _but damn… that was-_

"Wow." Shepard said again, and he could hear the smile in her voice. He chuckled to himself and kissed her hair.

She snuggled closer to him. "We-"

"-are bad people." He finished, looking down at where her head rested on him. "We're rule-breaking renegades and avoiders of responsibility."

She tilted her head back and glared at him disapprovingly. "Fine, but we're very talented bad people."

"Hmmm." He answered. He clung to her tightly, squeezing his hand around the feminine arm that clutched his body, securing her place next to him, afraid she might let go.

He wasn't entirely sure why he had done it, thrown all caution and worries to the wind and grabbed her, snatched her out of their argument and demanded that she belong to him. They had been arguing, and then she had started screaming about how much she cared about him, and he had been filled with this desire to prove to her how he felt. The days upon days of not being able to hold her or touch her had starved him, made him shrivel in her absence until thoughts of her dominated his mind and made him reckless.

When she had stood there fuming he wanted to tell her, scream at her that he loved her, but he couldn't. Even now the argument was too fresh, if he said it now she would think he had just done it because she had made a fuss. When he said the words, he wanted it to be in such a way that she knew he meant them. And so he kept his silence, and held her as tightly as possible.

The argument was still there- unfinished. But he would allow them this time, pure and right. He wouldn't bring it up again.

Absently he moved his hand from around her arm and brought it to her newest gunshot wound. It was the first time he had really seen it since it been "healed." The kronots had done ugly damage where the skin had split and tried to heal again, the toxin eating away the cells as they tried to regrow. But thanks to Chakwas' applications the scarring had been limited to a web of discolored and raised lines.

He ran his fingers over the marks. It was intensely romantic and even erotic to see her bear a scar that had been inflicted because of the love between them. In a very twisted way, those lines marked this woman as his. He was so occupied with the mark that he didn't notice the way she looked up at him from underneath her lashes and then gazed at where his fingertips ran over the scar.

He felt a little flip in his stomach when she grabbed the hand and raised it to her mouth. She slowly kissed every fingertip. She rarely showed her affection so strongly, and he felt like he was floating. Like all his bones were disjointed and filled with jelly instead of biological tissue.

Kaidan looked on his gorgeous woman in time to catch her with her head tilted back, and kissed her.

Slowly she detangled herself from his body and sat up, letting the sheets fall from her. He wanted nothing more than to pull her back down, to feel her skin again.

"What time is it?" She whispered into the air.

He sat up as well, not willing to let their time together end. He leaned down and started kissing his way up her spine, trailing his nose along her skin. He loved these little moments. "We have a few hours left." He murmured into her flesh.

He took a few moments at her collar bone and shoulder. He would never get tired of this. He could happily spend the rest of his life marking her with kisses. She hummed her approval and closed her eyes.

"Kaidan…" She whispered through the space between them a moment later. He pulled himself out of his self-induced utopia to respond.

"Hmm?" He kissed along her shoulder to her neck. He couldn't stop; it was as if he felt his kisses were the only thing keeping her alive. Or maybe it was just that at the moment she wasn't pushing him away, and he was trying to get his fill of her.

"I… I didn't mean…" She started.

"Don't. Let's not talk about it, right now." He grimaced inwardly. He wasn't really ready to start this conversation yet, not when he had her so close and warm to him now. But he knew in his heart they needed to talk about it. It was the basis of any problem he had ever had with her. If they couldn't sort through this they might never be the same.

His stomach churned uncomfortably at the thought.

She turned completely into him and drew herself up to her knees. He allowed her to push against his shoulders and lay him back onto the bed as she repositioned herself directly on top of him. He couldn't fight the reaction he involuntarily showed to her when she let herself melt into him. Automatically he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly against him.

She pressed her forehead to his chest and exhaled deeply. He felt her breath sweep over the planes of his body and he closed his eyes to the sensation.

"Kaidan." She finally said. She tilted her head up to his face and rested her chin on his sternum. "Promise me something?"

"Hmmm?"

"Promise me you'll stay with me till the end. At least, until this thing is over. Please don't give up on me yet."

He groaned. He secretly wished she would just shut up and let him hold her. "Shepard…"

"Please, Tenderfoot. Please? Just until this is over."

Something in her voice made his eyes flicker open again. When he caught her face in his sight he looked sideways at her, trying to decipher what she was trying to tell him.

She broke from his hold of her and crawled up his body. She brought her face even with his. His body reacted as it usually did to her movement but his eyes never left hers.

She brought her hands to his face, returning him to elation at the warmth of her skin.

His mind was buzzing with a million thoughts and he tried to cling to what she had been about to tell him. But she kissed him, curled her body against his, and his musings blurred into little more than shapes.

At first he hadn't responded, but her insistence resulted in his hand sliding down her back and hip to her thigh, which she had slid next to his own hip.

They were both breathless again before she pulled away. Slowly his thoughts recalled what she had said.

"Now, that's not really fair." He said. She smiled and kissed him again.

He felt the anger burrow its way closer to the surface that she was trying to get out of this so easy.

What were his options? Letting her off and pretending everything was okay? But then she might always think he could so easily forgive her, and he may find himself in this situation again. The other choice was to press the matter now, surely instigating their argument again and ruining this night he could otherwise call special.

He kissed her and rolled them, reversing their positions. He lay to her left, careful not to crush her. He administered kisses to her neck, trying to buy himself more time. But she wouldn't have any of it. "Promise me…" She whispered.

Defeated, he stopped and dropped his head into her chest, groaning at the mess he'd gotten himself into.

"This isn't about the mission. You know that." There was a dangerous edge to his voice. He wanted her to know he didn't want to talk about it now. That she should just let it go. If their relationship didn't survive this week, he wanted to remember this night as something good.

"Well, then you should be able to promise you'll stay with me at least until this mission is over." She challenged.

His mood darkened. He pulled himself off of her and rolled on his back. He stared at the ceiling. She made no moves to regain their closeness. "Come on, Shepard. If you honestly thought I would leave you over this you would've told me your secret by now."

It hurt to say it that way, but it was true. She must know that she had that power over him. He was crazy about her. While she could remain clear headed and focused.

She scoffed and sat up. "You think I feel so secure in this? And even if I did, that I would use you like that? I told you I _can't_, how many times do I have to say it?!"

He shook his head and rose as well, tossing his legs over the side of the bed. He was going to have to get out now or this was going to get really ugly. "Hell if I know what's in your head, Shepard. I never could read you." He grumbled.

He released a breath that sounded as if he had been agonizingly wounded. She was so… determined to hurt him, wasn't she? With a distressed expression he turned from her and climbed out of the bed abruptly.

"Kaidan." She said stonily.

"You know, I can't believe I'm back here." He shot at her.

She raised her voice now, the words coming with striking speed and hurt. "Did you honestly think that if you slept with me I could magically tell you everything?! That sex could make this all better?!"

And just like that the dream was over.

The words broke him_._ The blatant answer, that shocking thought, had contrasted their affectionate moment so deeply it damn near shattered them all.

His body exploded in heat. He couldn't even answer her. It had never been about sex for him. Never. Sex was a way to manifest love into something physical, something you could feel, it was a gift you gave the other person. Not a tool.

He'd felt guilty when he had, only days ago, dared to ask her about this mission while he'd been kissing her.

He cherished his time with her, clung to it, and escaped into it. She obviously didn't feel the same way.

He was hurt, and the pain was extremely physical; his heart ached and his stomach tightened. He felt stabbed by her carelessness with their delicate moment. He would've been content to leave her quarters that night and trust her with whatever she thought was right, despite his better judgment- if only out of reverence for the equality, the unity in them, and her faith in him.

She was obviously not willing to share with him whatever it was she had been hiding, and _that_ he had been prepared to live with, just to have these sweet hours with her.

But then Shepard had proved that she herself didn't value their love enough to let it go untainted and free of pain and conflict.

This was as close as she had ever allowed him to get to her- it was in these moments that he truly saw what they had for just how powerful it was.

But it still wasn't enough for her. She had not let them get close enough yet to take such reverence in their special moments as he did.

She was still willing to argue, to lie, to hide from him, despite that this was their most intimate and cherished state of being.

After everything, was this still how she saw them?

Then it was true… he could never win with her. There was nothing else he could do.

They had just spent the night being nothing more or less than a man and woman that loved each other beyond description. And then in two seconds she had turned them back into a lieutenant and a commander of the military, who were risking their careers and lives over petty attractions. There was no love; they were just fooling around- that's what she made him feel like, and it _hurt_.

The mood- and the shared life between them that it had represented- were utterly shattered by her cruel words.

Rage surged violently through his veins when the realization came that they were right back to square one. In spite of the beautiful evening they had denied themselves until now, with those five words she had injected guilt and doubt back into their relationship like some kind of sick drug.

Nothing had changed, she still denied him the truth, and he still felt used.

Would they never again share a night like Ilos, or the many days of Ondalium? Or playful wrestling and fantastic sensual journeys they had lived in their own apartment? Would they ever be the same?

"Kaidan…" she called again.

He shook his head, still not looking at her. He went on a scavenger hunt for his clothes.

Skeleton crew would be relieved soon and his window for getting out of there without being noticed was fading fast. He hadn't cared a few minutes ago.

He found his underwear in the far corner a foot or so away from her bra and pulled them on hastily, throwing her own garment to the bed. He found his pants a few feet away and forced them on just as quickly.

"I don't know why I even bother." He said bitterly, sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to her while he yanked his boots on moodily. "Just when I think we've finally become equal parts of this relationship, equal pieces, you feel the need to slap me back into my place again. You don't have to tell me a damn thing about a mission that is threatening_ our_ lives, effects me as much as it does you, because in the end you still _outrank_ me!"

Not that rank had kept her from telling his subordinates, Jones and Williams.

He stood up and tugged his shirt back down over his torso, quickly securing his belt around his waist. Well, her stubbornness and determination to hide the truth from him was a major contributor to his anger, but not the deep down problem. It wasn't the thing that he had been putting off discussing with her because he knew it would be ugly. It wasn't the real instigator to all their problems. Because he could trust her with the other stuff, if he felt she trusted him at all.

_If she had let me in_.

Without looking at her he could sense her irritation. There was a tight slapping sound as she snapped her bra straps against her shoulders in her own anger.

"Well, I'm trying to explain it to you, but you're not making it easy!" She exclaimed.

He actually looked at her then, staring at her with cold eyes, the frustration they both felt reflecting between them. "Yeah, well… you're not making _this_ easy." He said, motioning with his hand between them, indicating the relationship between the two.

She huffed and threw her legs over the edge of the bed, making quick work of finding her own clothing. "Look, Kaidan-"

"Unless you're going to tell me what it is you've been hiding I really can't deal with anything you have to say right now." He said, turning. He doubled checked that he was completely dressed and headed for the door. He was inches away from the wall sensor that would open the automatic doors when she called after him.

"Rahna is Polaris."

Had Kaidan been thinking clearly, he would've been in utter confusion. He would have turned frantically to Shepard and asked her why and how and when she had found out.

Had he been forming sensible thoughts he would've already been trying to remember the last time he had seen Rahna, and what possibly could have happened to cause a situation like the one he was in now.

He would have calmly turned to Shepard, thanked her for her honesty, and demanded that she tell him everything while he sorted through his own emotions, thoughts, and position on the matter.

But he wasn't thinking clearly. Now he knew what it was Shepard had been hiding, but encumbered by his feelings for her and the bitter residue of their heightening argument, all he wanted to know was why she had hid it from him at all. He could most likely figure the rest out on his own later.

He slowly turned to her and a new level of anger and… disappointment in her- washed over him. He finally succumbed to the yell that he had been restraining.

"That's what you've been hiding from me!? That is why you keep me at arm's length, leave me in the dark, plant all these problems between us!? All because someone I haven't seen in fifteen years?! This is why you've been planning attacks around me and refuse to let me protect you?!"

"Jesus, Kaidan! I was trying to protect_ you_!" She said exasperated. She was down from her own yelling level now, and sounded on the edge of desperate clinging. She crossed the room and made a move that looked like she was going to try to reach for his arm but he moved away. The door opened behind him when he stepped in front of the motion sensor. Shepard ducked out of sight in her scantily clad form, swearing under her breath.

He backed into the room again and strode to the other side, allowing the door to close.

When the doors shut again she came to stand in the middle of the room. He rounded on her. "Maybe you're forgetting she shot _you_! If it _is_ Rahna, I need to be there. Maybe I can get her to listen to reason!"

She shook her head as her voice rose again. "Kaidan, last time she was in your life she changed you forever. I love the man you are now, I was afraid of what might happen to you!"

"Exactly my point! I'm different now! Not only could I have handled it, I could've _helped_ you! Did you ever think of that?!"

"Kaidan, she turned you into a self controlled shell that didn't have anything left to believe in but the Alliance. Despite your own flirting, trying to get you to let me in was like-"

Well fuck. There it was. "Whoa, whoa wait- wait a minute! _Me_ to let _you _in!?"

She nodded her head 'yes' as if it were obvious.

"G-God, Shepard, you know-"

It was hard to form words when he was this angry. He didn't remember ever being at a loss for words.

"I cannot _believe_ you! I just- Ugh! You know what? You and I… when I first realized that maybe… I let you blame your distance on the regulations, and the mission, and whatever else it was you could think of… But that was nine fucking months ago, Shepard! And still I feel no closer to you now as I did then.

"If you had just opened up to me, just a little… Shepard, _You_ wouldn't even let me take care of you when you were shot!" He brought up again. She still hadn't answered him since their last argument.

The emotion in his words nearly made himself cringe and his throat tighten, but Shepard just stood looking at him. He got the impression that she would be listening to him for about another few minutes, but he knew her patience was wearing thin.

"Shepard… I've given you everything I am. I have nothing left for myself; doesn't that mean anything to you?! But still you pull away from me, from _us_.

"If you had let me in," he continued, "you would've trusted me; you would stop making such a big deal about rules and regs and everyone else, and just let us both be! If we weren't so busy arguing over what we should and shouldn't and can and can't do, we could focus more in the battle, you know that! You're shutting me out even now, acting like I couldn't handle this information, protecting me, treating me like a child! Maybe it would've caused problems had I known earlier, maybe not! Maybe I would've stepped back a little, maybe it would've drawn me closer, but I deserved the right to make that decision on my own, Shepard!"

He took a deep breath and plowed on before she could cut in with her defense. He was that ticked.

"So I don't want to hear about how hard it was for you to get me to open up, because from where I'm standing, the only place _I've _managed to get into, is the bed."

She didn't move. She didn't speak, she just stared and it was unnerving. She either was having a revelation that he was right or maybe she just thoroughly believed that he was wrong.

He stepped up to her and poked her as meaningfully as he dared without hurting her. He pointed to her heart and bore into her with his eyes. "But how do I get in there, huh?!"

"Are you through?" She said flatly.

He took a deep breath and nodded, taking a step back. He'd said what he needed. It was her turn. He was nothing if not fair.

"I have lost everything that was ever important to me." She said it quietly, but he could see the sadness building up behind her eyes. It would only be a matter of sentences before she was dropping tears again, and sure enough her voice began to break as she continued.

"I lost everyone I ever loved on Mindoir when I was sixteen, Kaidan. _Sixteen_. I belonged to no one and had no one for nearly two years until I found the Alliance. They took me in gave me a home, gave me something to believe in and somewhere to belong. I got transferred into a great team, with a feeling among us much like the companionship we have here. I had a _family_ again. And then I watched every single one of them die on Akuze."

Tears left dark trails on her face, and despite the cracking and sliding of her voice she spoke clearly and with conviction. "My life was ripped out from under me all over again. It took me years to allow any of my fellow soldiers to get close to me again.

"And then I met you." There was a slight smile fighting the grimace of pain that covered her face. It made his eyes sting. "And you turned my world upside down."

He stepped closer to her, but she didn't react to his movement. There was something that he saw in her that tamed the defensive beast in his heart and made him want to welcome her back into his arms.

"And together we found Ashley." She shook her head in a kind of ironic amusement. "I had always felt that my life was a constant battle of me against the rest of the galaxy. Less than a year ago that literally became my life. And for _once _I felt like I could take it on. The three of us could do _anything_."

Her words wobbled, and he felt guilt start to stir in with his already mixed emotions.

"And then Ash…"

He had to say something. "Shepard-"

"Kaidan, you just have no idea." She interrupted, shaking her head again. "Every time I have ever opened myself up I got hurt."

She sniffled, and he stood helplessly frozen by her monologue while she wiped at her quiet tears.

"And you're standing there now with your heart completely open and willing and all you can see is that mine isn't as vulnerable. But if you knew how much just getting halfway there, how much of me I let you claim… if you knew just how _hard_ that is for me… There could be no doubt in your entire being of how much I love you."

Kaidan felt the last of the defenses around his heart melt. He had an overpowering urge to comfort her, apologize, and let her feel better about getting it all out, but when he reached out to touch her arm she flinched away.

"Don't touch me!" She shouted, backing away. She rubbed violently at her cheeks, obviously ashamed that they were wet.

He was in shock and he jumped back in confusion. He felt his forehead crease in a scowl.

"I am so hurt right now that you think you aren't _everything_ to me. That you could think that I-"

Her words choked off. He opened his mouth speak again but she cut him off after she got her bearings.

"Damn it, Kaidan! Don't you see? You are what keeps me alive when I am only a breath from death! When Saren had me by the throat, dangling me within a millimeter of my life on Virmire, I looked over and I saw you… and that is the only reason I had the strength to fight back!

"When I was crushed underneath two tons of reaper metal and I couldn't even move enough to open my lungs, while walls of iron collapsed around me I thought of you, I heard you in my head, calling my name! And_ that's_ why I even had the ability to crawl on three cracked ribs and a fractured arm, to pull myself out of the wreckage that should have grinded me in to dust! _You_ are why I didn't give up!

"Up 'til now my life had been loss, pain and war and death… And then I found you. You have me thinking that there is a reason to plan five, ten- even thirty years into the future! _Damn it_, Kaidan!" She screamed again, collapsing into a sitting position on the bed. She bowed her head and harshly wiped away her own tears with her hand again. The next look of got at her eyes they were bloodshot and puffy.

He never, ever had wanted to hurt her so bad…

His heart clenched when she looked at him with such sadness and desperation. He found himself speechless in the presence of such a broken Shepard. She stared hard at him.

"Don't you get it?" She repeated a lot quieter. "You _are_ my life now, Kaidan."

When she lowered her head again and showed signs that she had finished, he finally became aware of his own existence. His body shuddered on its own initiative and his feet walked themselves to where she sat. Cautiously, he knelt in front of her.

He raised his hand to her face, trying to get her to lift her gaze again, but she turned her head away from him, refusing to look at him.

"Please just go." She had been so quiet; the words couldn't even really pass as a request. It sounded more like a plea, a desperate beg for solitude.

"Shepard…"

"Please." She said again.

Feeling numb and spent now he stood exhausted. He tried and failed three times to find something to say before turning and silently honoring her need for solitude.

He had been so sure she was keeping him at bay, but he never knew how hard she had been working to keep herself from running. She _wanted_ to be close to him. But she had been _so_ scared. So scared that she would lose him; or that he would hurt her…

And he hadn't disappointed her, had he?

How could he have ever allowed himself hurt the woman he loved like that?

"I _promise_ you, Shepard. I swear I will stay with you through whatever comes, as whatever you want me to. I promise, to the end and through it." He said over his shoulder, quietly. _Even if only as your lieutenant. _He added in his head. She possessed every bit of him. After what she had just told him, after what he had seen in her eyes, that promise was the best he had to offer.

He didn't look to see if she had even acknowledged what he had said.


	19. Nocturnal

**Chapter XIX: Nocturnal**

"_I wake up in a cold sweat, _

_Got a bone to pick with reality._

_Take a deep breath and lay back down,_

_Wearing my badge of infamy."_

_Nocturnal, _Eve 6

**Kaidan**

What Kaidan Alenko experienced in his sleeper pod that night was a far cry from anything you could call rest.

Instead he lay trapped in a vortex of dark and worried thoughts, all circling into each other; raising questions, and answering none.

In fact, the clouds of confusion that swirled around the face of sixteen year old Rahna were so thick and frustrating his mind would wander instead to thoughts of a more familiar face. One of which he knew every line, texture, and curve.

The logic that ever-thrived inside his mind told him that there was more to the Polaris part of what had happened tonight. He should be thinking about Rahna, what had happened since he'd seen her last, how he could get through to her. But Shepard insistently crept in on the edge of any thought he could procure.

By the time he resigned and left the contemplation of Rahna for the morning and hopefully more cognitive thoughts, Shepard had successfully plastered her face on every plane of his imagination.

It wasn't how he'd preferred to remember her, sweet and sincere. But face contorted in emotional wounds that he had inadvertently inflicted. He grimaced behind his eyes as they replayed the two minutes of their conversation over and over again in his head.

The line between his own memories and thoughts blurred and shimmered until sleep overcame him and he entered dreamland...

* * *

Kaidan's dream was filled with remarkably strong emotion. A series of feelings he registered without reason.

Urgency. He had to get somewhere. He had to find someone.

He walked hastily through fog in search of something he could not identify, feeling pressured on time without explanation.

Then ahead he saw a figure. A beige suite and gray hair. Primary shapes of tan stretching across the person's back. It was human… it was Udina.

"Ambassador?" Kaidan asked tentatively when he reached him.

The man didn't answer immediately. Time seemed to stretch on forever, in spite of how badly Kaidan felt that time was of the essence in this place.

Somewhere in Kaidan's reality he was extremely aware that Udina was wearing fuzzy purple stockings, but dream-Kaidan showed no signs of noticing.

"Look down there, Lieutenant." The ambassador said slowly, looking down in front himself. "What do you see?"

A ledge appeared, threatening and dangerously edged, into a deep and choking blackness.

"I see an abyss." Kaidan replied surely and smoothly.

"It's loneliness. It's getting closer."

Kaidan peered into the depths, it seemed to snarl and stretch before him, trying to reach for him.

"What do you mean, sir?" Kaidan asked Udina. But he was gone. The lieutenant stood in the fog alone and unanswered. He half spun in surprise, but the ambassador could not be found.

He let his feet carry him away from the ledge into the white mist. They seemed to know where they were going.

After a few steps, the mist and clouds gave way to yellow sand and blue sky. Palm trees lined a sunny beach to his right, and vast, blue ocean lapped at the shore to his left.

And he finally found what he had been unknowingly searching for. Commander Shepard was stretched luxuriously on the golden sand, the sun lighting up her skin as her long limbs and lithe muscles gathered in the heat.

A smile crept to his lips when she took notice of him. But she only rolled on to her stomach and tucked her head into her arms.

He tentatively padded his way to her, curiosity overriding the relief he had felt upon finding her.

The heat rolling off the sand shimmered and took form before his eyes, and suddenly she wasn't alone anymore.

There was someone next to her. A man Kaidan didn't recognize. Alenko stood frozen in contemplation of how to react to the situation while he watched them, especially Shepard. How would she react to the newcomer?

He squinted his eyes at her. She didn't seem to mind. In fact… she seemed oblivious that the man had moved.

Kaidan watched in horror as he watched this half naked unknown person begin to touch her, rubbing her shoulders in a suggestive massage.

Something low, feral, and possessive growled from deep inside Kaidan. "Hey!" He found himself shouting as he crossed the sand to the pair. "What's going on?"

The man looked up at Kaidan with arrogance across his handsome features. And Shepard only closed her eyes to Kaidan's advances.

"Shepard?" He asked quietly. "What… what?"

Finally the woman sighed heavily and pushed herself off of the ground. The stranger rose as well, helping her to her feet.

Again Kaidan fought the vicious snarl that sounded through his chest.

"You don't belong here, Lieutenant." She said sternly leaning into her companion, who lashed an arm around her competitively. He looked like he was bragging, trying to coax Kaidan into a fight.

Somewhere under his skin Alenko's implant began to whir in expectation to Kaidan's heightening emotion.

"What are you doing with him?" He bit out. His fist tightened into a ball.

"We were just talking about some stuff. He was just telling me how much he trusted me." She didn't look up to her subject of conversation, who only nodded solidly. "I think I'll take him to Jaynen with me…"

Her words didn't make sense in this dream world, but Kaidan didn't take the time to decipher their meaning. He was painfully aware that the stranger had pulled the woman- Kaidan's woman- up into his arms, and showed signs that he was going to kiss her.

It was right about then that this dream, this illusion, felt horribly like a nightmare and closer to reality than he ever cared to think.

And he was trapped, unable to speak, unable to move, forced only to bear witness to what happened next.

Shepard kissed the other man.

But she didn't just kiss his lips, she kissed his bottom lip, and just beneath it, where Kaidan held a fine scar from his BAaT days.

This man bore no such line, but Kaidan knew all the same that Shepard was lightly running the tip of her tongue along the lip anyway, as she had done countless time with Kaidan.

It was something she did for _him_, not for anyone else.

And this arrogant bastard didn't understand what that little action represented. What it meant to someone like Kaidan. It wasn't enough for the stranger. He pressed her farther, demanding much more from her.

Something sick and slimy slithered it way through Alenko's stomach, and he felt very strongly that he was going to throw up.

Pain lashed through Kaidan's heart and mind as he tried to wake up, anything to escape this hellish nightmare.

He closed his eyes violently to the sight of her with someone else, someone else's hand groping her like that, but it played behind his lids, taunting him.

"_It's loneliness. It's getting closer."_

He was losing Shepard. Even now, even in reality.

"No!" His voice forced painfully. "NO!"

* * *

Kaidan gasped himself awake in his sleeper pod with so much force he hit his head on the safety glass of the lid.

He hissed a quick swear word under his breath and groaned. He habitually rubbed his temples as if he were hiding from something as simple as another headache.

Shepard's face flashed behind his eyes, and he remembered every bit of the dream that had made him feel sick enough to retch. His muscles tightened and shook as he remembered it.

"_It's hard to imagine a general like that getting so worked up about a woman."_

Now he understood.

Kaidan leaned his forehead on the lid of the sleeping tube and exhaled deeply.

He had to talk to her. He couldn't let her go with only their argument between them. And this nightmare to haunt him.

He pulled up the user interface on his pod. 06:00. He had two hours to track her down and convince her he should come with her. It was his only option.

He spent over an hour looking for her, his dream replaying over and over in his head like his own personal torture device. The only break in the film was the even more painful image of her face as it had been when he'd left her the night before. And a mantra of the words she's said to him.

_Kaidan, you _are_ my life now… Please just go…_

His pace quickened when he had these thoughts. Of how wrong he'd been about her. How much he'd hurt her. Even if what they had ended today, he had to tell her how wrong he'd been, and how much he loved her. He had to tell her that.

But she wasn't in her quarters, or the mess. He walked by the deck and didn't see her there. He paced the navigation room where he ran into Tali, who confirmed that she had not seen the commander either.

He made a quick scan of the comm room and the med bay before heading to the lower decks. By the time he reached the elevator, he was feeling anxious.

He told himself he was overreacting. She couldn't be avoiding him… he hadn't hurt her so bad that the strong commander would be hiding from him. Well… maybe he had.

Something flitted across his memory, just outside of recognition. But in his distress he quickly dismissed us as inconsequential to the present situation. He was running out of time.

He swept the cargo hold to the engine room without a sign of her.

_Calm yourself Alenko. She'll find you when she's ready._

He felt the irritation of a migraine threaten to burst its way into his skull. He tried to will it away on the elevator ride back to the mess. Maybe if he just ate something and took a few moments to think…

Something made him stop by a personnel computer terminal. The screen bleeped and whirred when he activated in.

"Locate Commander Shepard." He said. His voice came a little less solid than he had expected. He cleared his throat as he waited for the ship's computer to try to recognize her signature.

"Commander Shepard is unavailable at the moment, as she is currently engaged in multiple enigmatic and ambiguous tasks and cannot acquiesce to your request." The computer spit out.

Kaidan scowled. "What the hell?" He said aloud. All of the sudden the computer was about as cryptic as Shiala on Feros.

"Commander Shepard is unavailable at the moment, as she is currently…" The terminal repeated. Kaidan logged out before it could finish and shook his head in confusion.

"Oooookay, then." Quietly he continued his path to the dining hall, all the while glancing around his surroundings as if she might pop out of the walls to surprise him.

But he was completely alone as he reached the food dispenser and palmed it. He breathed heavily as he sat down in the deserted mess. It wasn't until he'd sat down and picked up his fork that he'd felt the uneasiness in his stomach that suggested food wasn't really a good idea.

He must've chased his breakfast around on his plate for ten minutes, lost in anxious contemplation before he was finally shaken out of his trance by the sound of chair legs scraping across the floor.

He looked up in expectation, only to be disappointed that it was only Williams and Jones taking their traditional places across from him. Shepard's chair next to him remained deserted.

They didn't demand his attention or his instigation for conversation anymore. They began discussing cheerily about something trivial and generic, and Kaidan didn't have the heart to listen.

He didn't know how much time passed until the ever-observant Williams finally called him out after watching him stir his eggs for whole minutes without eating.

"Ummm, is something wrong, sir?" She asked, her own fork held somewhere between her plate and her mouth.

Kaidan looked up in time to see Jones avert his gaze guilty. If Sarah caught the interaction she didn't show any signs. Of course though, the young girl was extremely perceptive.

"Have either of you seen the commander this morning?" He blurted without preamble.

_Don't get sloppy, Alenko_. He warned himself.

Sarah scowled as she tried to decipher what his question could mean, but she shook her head. "No, not since yesterday. Jones?" She turned to the corporal.

Kaidan met Franklin's eyes straight on this time before the young man could turn away. And Jones found himself caught between the two other humans.

"No." He said cautiously. "Not since…" Franklin shook his head shortly and looked back down to his plate. "Not since last night."

In lesser company he could've passed that off as a very normal response. In lesser company.

Sarah sighed heavily and dropped her fork to her plate, letting her hands fall to her lap. "Alright…" She said looking between the two men. "What's with the glances? What did I miss?"

Her bluntness and tone imitated Ashley to a cloned voice. But her ability to be insightful far surpassed any woman above her age. Except maybe Shepard.

Jones looked again at Alenko, as if either asking for permission or waiting in expectation.

And Sarah only waited ever so patiently.

Kaidan felt the seconds slip by with amazing speed, in a ticking time bomb to oh-eight-hundred. He was running out of time.

Might as well let the kid off the hook first.

"We got in an argument again last night…" _Wow… talk about desperate for information_. But Sarah only nodded in understanding. So he continued, "and things got… ugly. I need to find her before she leaves. It's really important. Are you sure you haven't seen her?"

He'd have to apologize to them later for being so informal. And Shepard too.

They both shook their heads.

Then Sarah smiled coyly. "No... but we may be able to stall the others why we're getting ready to go, so you can have a few minutes with her. You know us females, it can take us forever to pick out the right armor-"

"Wait a second." Kaidan cut her off. "What did you just say?"

"Well, while we're getting our gear together, Jones and I can-"

"She didn't tell you?" Kaidan felt an unsettling flip in his stomach.

Sarah's brow furrowed. It was Jones this time that spoke up. "Tell us what?"

"Sh-she said..." He heard her voice say the words, as clearly as he said them aloud now. "That she was going alone."

In one moment he realized what had happened. And why he hadn't found her this morning.

_I'm going alone._

His body exploded in action. Without explanation he pushed himself away from the table violently. But Sarah seemed to understand too, and had stood as well. "I'll make sure everyone's awake."

"Wait, what?" Jones asked confused from his chair, trying to catch up with the other two.

But Kaidan was already around the corner and storming up the steps to the bridge. No, it wasn't true. He was freaking out. She wouldn't sneak off. It just wasn't like her to skulk away.

It also hadn't been like her to hide information from him. Like Rahna. And he hadn't asked for details when she did finally tell him. He'd been too angry with her.

His brain exploded with his muscles as he flew to the main computer on the bridge. To check the traffic logs.

"Whoa, whoa! Where's the fire?!" Joker asked when Kaidan reached the corner counsel. His fingers were already flying over the screen to access the ship VI.

"Kaidan… don't. What do you need?!" Joker sounded nervous.

Kaidan shook the pilot's questions off as he brought up the necessary windows.

_Logged: The commanding officer is ashore. Staff Lieutenant Alenko has the deck._

Son of a-

And there was silence from the pilot's chair. Kaidan rippled in an explosion of combustible heat. Beyond angry, he was livid, and hurt. And ultimately scared out of his mind.

He swore and rounded on Joker. His voice came tight, low, and dangerous, and he had no desire to try to contain himself. "So, you covered for her escape!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Joker grumbled from his chair.

"I tried to find her through the ship's VI and I got some lousy gibberish out of it! That was your work, wasn't it!?"

Kaidan hadn't moved from his spot yet. He wasn't actually aware he had legs.

"Um, calm down, Lieutenant. There's been a little malfunction in the VI's language protocol. That's all."

His urgency for answers made Kaidan reckless and his words came dripping with hurt sarcasm. "Which of course wasn't your doing be any chance."

"I just-"

"You think I'm stupid, Joker? She's gone, and I'm in charge, and I didn't even know! What if we were attacked?! This is a serious breach of protocol! I shouldn't have to remind you of that!"

"You want to pull out the reg books? Really?" Joker finally asked.

Kaidan stomped to the far front of the bridge, to stand as close as he could to actually being in front of Joker. "We just handed her to Polaris on a silver platter, don't you see that?! Shepard could be dead this second!"

Or… worse. Pol-Rahna used the kronots, not to kill but to cause suffering. She might not be dead. But…

Kaidan winced against the stab of pain that streaked across his heart, and grimaced against the horrible vision of Shepard writhing and twisting in some kind of torturous pain. Because of him.

And here he was, safely aboard the _Normandy_ and out of harm's way. Just the way she had wanted it. And that same second could be at Rahna's mercy. Either way, she was completely alone.

"Alert the others. Now." His tone brooked no argument. Even Joker, strong and confident Joker, seemed intimidated.

"Shit." Joker conceded under his breath. The pilot flipped the comm in a flourish of movement. "Attention crew. The ground teams for Jaynen are ordered to report to the airlock geared up in five minutes. Hurry it up."

Without thought Kaidan jogged down the ramp towards his locker.


	20. Walk Away

**Chapter XX: Walk Away**

"_Just walk away, and don't look back._

'_Cause if my heart breaks, it's gonna hurt so bad._

_You know I'm strong, but I can't take that._

_Before it's too late, just walk away."_

_-Walk Away, _Vanessa Hudgens

**Shepard**

Shepard slammed herself into the vehicle Joker had prearranged for her with enough force to make the rest of the cab move. Her muscles were uncontrollably tense, and she didn't even remember the brisk walk through Port Heratio to the waiting rover.

"Shit." She hissed once she'd tossed her empty equipment cases into the seat next to her. She leaned her forehead on the steering wheel, cursing at herself.

_Pull yourself together, Shepard. He's safe. He's _safe_._

But would he ever forgive her? She supposed it wouldn't really matter. She hadn't had a choice; it was as simple as that. And she couldn't regret what she had said to him the night before either, because if something happened to her on this mission, she could at least hope now that Kaidan would understand why she had left, and how much she'd cared about him.

_He still would've wanted to be here._

Shepard screamed into the air of the cab with frustration and tilted her head back onto the seat.

"Okay, focus." She told herself, shaking her head in an attempt to literally clear her mind like an etch-a-sketch. "You have a mission to do first and foremost. You didn't have a choice. You didn't."

Those words were familiar, but she quickly shoved that notion away too. Those were the words she'd told herself when she'd left Virmire. She didn't want to think about Ashley right now. Ash would've wanted to go too. And she would've wanted Shepard to tell Kaidan everything right off.

Shepard immersed herself as deeply as she could into the soldier she had once been- with no emotional attachments and no obstacles that she couldn't handle.

The rover roared to life as she started it up, the hum of the engine instantly calming her, and she pulled out of the tiny Port Heratio garage into the dust, dirt and sand of Jaynen.

According to Garrus' intel, the base was about eight clicks east of the port. Shepard easily pulled the vehicle off the road that led to Raspor, the main city on Jaynen, and into the rising sun. One of Jaynen's moons hovered to her right a deep purple, the orange sand helping to create the illusion of a dream-like world of rich color.

Unfortunately, eight clicks was a lot of time to think, and Shepard didn't need any of it.

It had only been too easy to escape the ship. She should've slept for an hour after she'd asked Kaidan to leave, but she had been restless and wide awake. Their argument only increased her desire and need to take action, and as soon as the _Normandy_had reached Heratio, she'd been ready.

Skeleton crew had taken no unusual or excessive notice of her. The only person she'd talked to had been Garrus, who'd been leaving medlab at the same time. He informed her she could get his data from Joker. She didn't actually say the words that she was leaving, but she told him with all the conviction she could muster, that if something were to happen to her, and she didn't get out, that Garrus was to be the one to finish this. She didn't want Kaidan down there.

She didn't even talk to Joker when she approached the bridge, equipment in hand. He nodded at seemingly no one when she passed behind him to get to the airlock. Her heart skipped for a moment when the second set of doors opened, waiting for the ship VI to give her away, but it didn't. After that, it was easy enough to get past security and into a restroom to gear up. Those minutes in which she had been technically unarmed had been nerve racking for her, but she couldn't have very well traveled through the _Normandy _fully armed and equipped without getting someones attention. As it was, she didn't think any of the crew had suspected anything out of the ordinary.

It was impressive to even Shepard that she had managed to escape without any trouble. Her greatest advantage had been her ability to keep herself from thinking while on the ship. Had she allowed herself to think about what had happened between her and Kaidan in the last few hours, she may have never made it off.

Even now, on this anxious and empty ride across the terrain, she filled her head only with Rahna, and the threats she had made on Alenko's life. It pushed Shepard forward, forced her to focus, and kept her from regretting her choice.

So it was with determination that Shepard looked upon Rahna's base when she finally arrived.

She didn't really see the target until she was nearly on top of it. A great pit had been dug out of the flat land; Rahna's small community of buildings lay inside to shield the compound from the intense heat of the desert day.

Shepard skidded the rover to a stop a few feet from the ledge of the bowl. She shut down the rover, grabbed her equipment from the passenger seat, and hopped out onto the orange sand and dust, slamming the door behind her as she looked upon her own personal version of hell.

Rahna hadn't been exaggerating. Shepard didn't know where to accredit Polaris' climb through the criminal ranks, or even how the timid biotic had grown to such a treacherous woman; but even so, the compound Rahna had procured here was quite impressive.

Switchback trails led in spiral form down the side of the bowl in to the pit. Three buildings sat, lightly guarded and humming with activity. Two of which were rectangular in shape, one a good two stories higher than the others. The third was circular, and rather recognizable, the main part of that particular building lie underground, the top barely tall enough to serve as a large platform, where smocked engineer-looking civilians unpacked and rummaged through piles of metal and artifacts Shepard didn't know.

Most the people were in lab coats, and the guards that were present were few and relaxed. This didn't look like a hostile or criminal operation. And Rahna was obviously not particularly concerned about the security of this outpost. Shepard scowled.

There were tracks where other land vehicles had come to the edge and driven away, but Shepard could not see any rovers in the actual site. There were other smaller vehicles, barely compact enough to get down the switchback paths, but they were few as well, all parked along the shorter of the two rectangular buildings.

Shepard grew nervous with her observation of the number of civilians in the area. And the mood of the area was a lot different than she had expected. It wasn't armored, and being dug in the ground gave them a horrible disadvantage if it ever came to a firefight. This wasn't a militant compound, of that Shepard was sure. This looked like a civilian operated facility, and it confused her.

Shepard sighed heavily and looked around for the nearest trail-head, easily finding one thirty more feet along the rim, and started down the path. She walked boldly down the trail, putting on her most intimidating of masks.

She was barely down about ten feet when she saw one of the guards at the circular facility point her out to his partner. They conversed for only four seconds before one turned and disappeared into the door of the building.

Rahna had been expecting her, and no one of force or threat came to greet her as she continued her descent. The few of the engineers or scientists, or whatever they were, looked from their work to steal a glance at her as she neared the bottom, but they gave no sign that they recognized her, or if they did, this meeting seemed mundane to them.

She hit the bottom of the pit with a distinct thud of her boots. Here the dirt was dark orange, and packed into dense clay. The commander brought up the schematics Garrus had acquired onto her omni-tool. She snorted at how obvious it should've been that this map had been basically handed to her. The three-dimensional, transparent layout was clearly and boldly marked with number codes and corresponding names.

According to the screen, C3 lie just inside the round facility, where the guard had gone in. Go figure.

She couldn't help but feel that what she was doing was completely crazy. She was on Rahna's land, surrounded by Rahna's cronies, and playing by Rahna's rules. Shepard was walking into a trap. The part that pissed her off was that she had run out of options, and the only way to end this now was to spring the trap.

She sighed again and walked to the building, fighting the urge to shake her own head at her situation. These last few weeks had been hell, and she was ready to be done.

The armored guard returned to the entrance, and with a nod to the other, began crossing the yard to Shepard. The symbol that Shepard had seen both on Vebinok and Syba was very clearly emblazoned of his gray armor. Shepard didn't move to grab a weapon, and the guard himself crossed to her slowly, his grip on his rifle tight, but not immediately defensive.

"Commander Shepard?" He asked, with little actual question. Shepard's breath was temporarily cut when she saw this man. Blonde hair fell around his forehead, and his fair skin seemed young and so far unscathed. She didn't know anything about this man, but he looked like someone familiar to her.

"Sure, whatever. I need to talk to your boss."

He paused only a moment at her lack of formality, but then nodded and turned, obviously expecting Shepard to follow him. She did, secretly calculating what the consequences could be of simply opening fire on the guards, but until she knew what it was Rahna wanted, she had little alternatives. Besides, she'd be the peace breaker here. These people obviously weren't looking for a fight.

Talk about confusing.

When they reached the door, the second guard joined in behind her, grumbling something about not trying any "funny business". If she really wanted to try "something funny" neither of those two wouldn't stand a chance against her, but she didn't press the issue.

They descended the stairs into the main hallway. The doors closed behind her, shutting out the terrain that had tinged the world orange, leaving fluorescents and grays in its wake. Shepard's eyes adjusted to the change as they proceeded down the wide hall. There were few doors, but of the walls and furniture that could be seen, everything seemed new, practical, and purposeful. It lacked the unnecessary commodities that usually lingered in a living space. The place screamed 'sterile', and closely modeled a med clinic or an intense research center.

"Quite an operation you've got here." She said conversationally.

The guard in front of her didn't slow his pace but turned his head to her curiously. "Polaris prefers things to be… efficient."

"I see." Shepard said snidely.

"Keep your eyes to yourself, Spectre." The other man said from behind her. This one was a great deal larger than the other, but he didn't make her all that nervous. Shepard only shrugged.

"Come on, Ed. She's here by request." The first said.

"That doesn't mean she isn't a threat." The larger man grumbled, demeaning humor in his voice. "She a spectre ; a traitor, not one of ours anymore, she's a tool of the aliens. I wonder if she even bleeds red."

Shepard stiffened in the wake of the words, but other than that, tried to keep herself from showing any outward annoyance.

"Simmer down, Ed. That's not why she's here.

"No, I don't imagine it is. What would the Council want with us here?"

"Being a spectre means I can be here, without having to worry about any repercussions, should something go _badly_." She said calmly.

"Listen, Spectre." Ed said venomously. "It's people like you that are handing the galaxy over to the council races like a stricken child. You may not have the guts to do anything to help the Terra Firma movement, but those of us who do want what's rightfully ours will have the last word… You may be a Council's pet now, but I bet you die the same way a human does. You alien-loving, ass-kissing -"

He made the mistake of touching her. He'd reached out his hand to her shoulder to turn her to him, but she grabbed his arm, turned into him and twisted in a very wrong way.

His face went white with pain, and he grimaced horribly, but he was careful not to let out any vocal sign of being hurt.

She backed him next the wall, guiding him with his arm bent at a gruesome angle. She stood like that, behind him with his arm behind his back, and leaned into hiss in her ear.

"Let's try this again. " She said calmly. "I'm Commander Shepard. I achieved my status by doing horrible things to horrible people, and I don't really want to dirty my hands with you. Just shut up and take me to Polaris."

The man didn't change expressions or try to move, he just stared at her. His sight was obviously being affected by blinding pain. When his face finally began to fall in defeat she continued. From behind her she heard the other guard had stop walking. Soon he appeared to her right, his gun raised a little.

"Commander, I think you've gotten through." The other merc said, tightening his grip on his weapon.

"Not yet." She replied angrily to him. She rounded on her victim for the last time.

"Now I'm assuming what just happened was a misunderstanding, yes?"

He nodded vigorously.

"Good, glad that's settled." She said, narrowing her eyes in determination. "But if it happens again, this arm-" She tightened her grip on his forearm in threat, "is going to be in a sling for a few weeks."

"That won't be necessary, Commander Shepard." A woman's voice filled with false sweetness cracked through the hallway. Calm and controlled, its owner walked toward the scene.

Shepard glanced at the woman walking towards her. Rahna's blue eyes were undeniably striking, but the fierceness was reigned in, cool and collected.

Shepard released her prisoner roughly before turning to the woman. Though the past weeks had portrayed this female as less human, and more like a vile, presumptuous succubus, Rahna currently radiated politeness and even graciousness.

If her goal had been to catch Shepard off guard, it worked. The woman's petite form wasn't sternly in defiance, but in confidant strength that any woman wished to possess. Shepard recognized the attitude of someone who knew they were in control, like a spider sweetly welcoming a fly into her web.

Rahna was still suited up, her light armor was colored a dark grey, a very recognizable emblem over her left breast. But on her, the symbol was circled. Shepard wanted to get a better look but was distracted by her surroundings and the unexpected pleasantness of her host.

"Thank you." Rahna said as Shepard stepped away from the guard. "Though, I'm sure he had it coming." Polaris looked at Ed in an amusement.

"I'm sorry, ma'am." The scared guard said. Obedience and loyalty was plain on his face, and even a little fear.

_He looks like a beaten puppy._ Shepard thought.

"My apologies for taking so long, things get kind of crazy around here." Polaris said.

As if on cue, they were interrupted by the sound of quick footfalls coming from the eastern corridor. They all looked in unison to see a man approaching at a hurried clip, his lab coat fluttering behind him.

He was the obvious scientist type. He had a small weak frame accompanied by hair that was on the brink of desperately needing a cut. His glasses were pushed high on the bridge of his nose and he looked flustered.

Shepard couldn't hep but raise an eyebrow at the bustling man, who was already wagging a finger at the smaller woman.

"Dr. Greene! You can't just take the artifact away whenever you feel like it! My people are studying it!"

Rahna shook her head. "As a matter of fact I can, Mr. Polau. I'm one of the CEOs. Now please, I have guests and very urgent business to attend to."

The scientist look irritated but began to huff away. "I want it back in the lab by this evening."

They watched him go, Shepard feeling rather confused.

"I'm sorry about that." Rahna said. "He sometimes forgets his position here." Polaris returned her attention to Shepard. "Well Commander, good to finally meet you." She smiled coolly.

"Skip the pleasantries, Rahna. I'm here as you asked, and I want answers."

Rahna kept her smile carefully in place. It was unnerving. She raised a long and elegant white brow at the commander. "Completely alone?"

Shepard nodded with renewed notions of vulnerability due to Rahna's obvious confidence.

"Edwards, Thompson. Secure her weapons." Rahna finally said to her two associates. The two stepped towards her, and Shepard immediately reacted.

She had her pistol in her hand by the time Ed had reached her.

"I don't like it when people try to deprive me of my guns."

Rahna smiled in challenge. "Alright then. You want answers? If you hand over your weapons, I'll tell you whatever you want to know. I'll even let you keep your pistol as a little token of good will."

Again it felt like a trap. But Shepard had followed the set up this far...

"Fine." She slowly and reluctantly began to remove her weapons.

"Good." Rahna finished conclusively. "You two!" She addressed the mercs. "Get out to the perimeter. Check to see if she was followed. Remember I'm expecting the other one will be close."

_Hope you like disappointment, Wench._

"And take these with you." Rahna took the guns and grenades from Shepard's hands and gave them to her guards.

Polaris waited patiently for them to exit before turning back to Shepard.

"About those answers?" Shepard pressed.

"There's no hurry right? What's the rush? We have time." Rahna said lightly.

Shepard didn't answer her. Above everything else, she was glad Kaidan wasn't here.

"Now, let's take a walk, shall we?"

Shepard forced herself to calm down and she refused to show any sign of hatred. "As long as you can walk and talk at the same time."

Rahna looked down the hallway where Edwards and Thompson had left, contemplation on her face. "I suppose we have time."

Shepard wanted to growl at Rahna's insistence to delay the inevitable. The other woman only turned and began to lead them back through the north hallway.

"It's good to see you are doing well, Commander." Rahna started conversationally. "One could hardly tell you'd been infected with the kronotic toxin. But-" Rahna pointed. "I noticed when you fight you are still favoring that shoulder."

Shepard rubbed her shoulder consciously. "That... was a little gift from your friends on Vebinok." She said irritably. "But you are not answering any questions."

Rahna smirked comfortably. "Sometimes Shepard, I see certain... similarities between us." Rahna looked over her shoulder at the woman, fake innocence on her lips. "Both fighting the injustices of this universe."

The building was unusually quiet, the only sound were their footsteps and their voices. It make Shepard feel separated from the world and she didn't like it.

"I'm nothing like you. " Shepard said, trying to reign in the anger that had flared at the comparison.

"Oh no?" Rahna inquired. "We're both stubborn, determined... and to have made it this far you can't be a complete idiot. We even attract the same men."

"That does not make us the same."

"No, I suppose you are right." She laughed as if something funny crossed her mind. "You know, I never slept with Alenko, though he was pretty eager then." She laughed again. "I imagine he's quite wonderful."

_Your loss. _Shepard thought deviously. Then she realized how ultimately relieved she was of that fact. It was strange to remember how she had initially reacted when Kaidan had first told her he wasn't the type who 'did do that sort of thing lightly'. Maybe she'd even been a little disappointed at the time. But right now, it was about his most redeeming feature.

"Look, Rahna. I'm not here to discuss _this_. " Their pace slowed as Rahna led them through a door at the end of the walkway, and again Shepard was met with dark orange color. They'd walked straight through the building to the other side.

But Rahna kept going. And there, carved into the ground was another descending staircase, too small for Shepard to have spotted from the rim.

"Rahna, why do you want Alenko dead?" Shepard demanded as Rahna palmed the security scanner to the door.

The other woman smiled. "Ah, well I take back what I said about you being intelligent, Commander. Surely by now you must've realized that I don't actually want to kill your lieutenant."

Shepard didn't answer, even as the doors opened to reveal a large room, with a little area sectioned off. She followed Rahna through. The white-haired woman headed toward a metal counter and leaned back against it, facing Shepard with her arms crossed.

"All those threats on his life?" Shepard asked.

"They worked, didn't they? As long as you thought he was in danger, you did exactly as I wanted you to." Rahna's smugness was extremely evident.

"I don't like being manipulated." Shepard said lowly.

Rahna sighed lazily. "But it was so easy, and it kept you from doing anything... rash."

"But you fired those bullets in the apartment. The kronots."

Rahna smile wilted a little, but still lay on the corners of her lips. "Well, yes. But they weren't deadly were they? You're still alive. I admit, I'd been aiming to tag the lieutenant and get him off station once he was incapacitated. But thanks to the foul up of a very useless employee, you were not absent as you were supposed to be."

Shepard recalled that day in the apartment, and how quickly in succession Rahna's visit had been to the previous visitor... as a matter of short minutes. Now, she wished she had remembered more about the first mover, but she didn't visualize any details. Kaidan had been... distracting her.

"Rahna..." Shepard began. "What is it that you want with him?"

Rahna smiled. "All in good time. Let's wait for him, shall we? I'm sure my guards have found his little hiding place by now. You didn't honestly expect me to believe you came here alone, did you?"

Shepard tried to keep herself from smiling. It was a relief, that in Rahna's world of rules and games, she had her own little victory. "You're going to be disappointed. It's just me."

Rahna's face faltered a little but she was quick to cover it. "No. I know him. He wouldn't let you come here alone. Especially not when he knows that I-"

Shepard smiled.

"You didn't tell him." Rahna said slowly. Her eyes finally betrayed her facade and widened. "You didn't tell him it was me... he doesn't know."

"So now, we really should talk about your plan and try to find a way to resolve this issue you seemed to have with us." Shepard said smoothly.

Rahna's eyes flared dangerously. "No. This changes nothing. When you don't return to your ship he'll come looking for you. I'll just have to keep you here until then."

_"_It's been a long time, Rahna. Maybe the Alenko you knew doesn't exist anymore."


	21. It Ends Here Tonight

**Chapter XXI: It Ends Here Tonight**

"_Holding my last breath._

_Safe inside myself,_

_Are all my thoughts of you._

_Sweet raptured light,_

_It ends here, tonight."_

_-My Last Breath,_ Evanescence

**Shepard**

"I think I may know him a little better than you do." Rahna said coolly.

Shepard bit back her "doubt it" and shook her head. "For one thing, you seem to be under the impression he'll want to help the same person that has been responsible for the murder of dozens of quarians. Let alone the attempt on our lives."

Rahna smiled. "You really have no idea what I'm working on, do you?"

"Cosmetic self improvement?" Shepard shot before she could reconsider, distracted by Rahna's white hair as it clashed so harshly with her dark skin.

Rahna's smile slipped only slightly, and she was quick to recover. "The hair is a side effect to scientific discovery. Those who wish for improvement in the world often sacrifice something of themselves. I was hoping that as a commander of the Alliance, you might understand that-"

"Look, are you going to tell me what I want to know or are we gonna piss around all day?" Shepard interjected impatiently.

Rahna smiled, then slowly nodded. She raised her arms and gestured around the room. "Welcome to my private lab. And 'home' for the last five years." Rahna curled a single finger in inclination. "This way please."

Shepard kept her face stoic, but her mental face scowled. Rahna too easily adjusted to a level playing ground. No longer exercising control but acting as hostess and colleague. It made Shepard nervous. She followed the woman, unsettled that Rahna had turned her back on her and walked further into the room without any sign of feeling unsafe.

Rahna walked to the back where, held in what could only be called a display stand was the most ornately decorated object Shepard had seen. It was different than anything she'd seen before, human or otherwise. It was… well, from a distance it looked like a plate, half of a broken one anyway. It was a two inch thick disc, metallic and heavy from the looks of it. The unrounded edge of the semi circle was jagged and anything by straight, like a puzzle piece. Indigo lines criss-crossed across the smooth surface in a seemingly random pattern. But there, toward the bottom of the rounded edge, was another circle, cut and carved into the unrecognizable metal, the blue lines swirling in a spiral at it's center.

Shepard found herself leaning in, squinting at this strange obviously alien piece of... something. She forgot she was in enemy territory, instead memorized by this bizarre thing.

"What is it?" She asked curiously.

"An artifact." Rahna replied as if it were the most complicated answer she could muster. She turned to it and leaned back on the counter to watch Shepard's reaction. "All we know is that it's ancient, maybe even dates back to the time of the protheans."

Shepard cocked a head to the side and raised her hands to it, stopping before reaching out. "May I?"

Rahna nodded. "As far as we can tell, it doesn't activate unless it makes contact with biological tissue, namely DNA. And there's only been one human to actually initiate it."

Shepard weighed the artifact in her gloved hand, measuring its density, of which seemed pretty high. Rahna looked tentative while Shepard handled it, like she might have to reach out and save it at a second's notice.

"And how is he or she?" Shepard asked absently.

She didn't get an answer right away. "She's fine." Rahna finally said slowly. Shepard's eyes automatically shot to the woman, glancing over her white hair and settling to her electric eyes.

"Yes." Rahna said, confirming her suspicions. "So far we only know that it will interact with humans, but we haven't tested it on another subject yet. _My_ exposure was accidental. Due to the effects, we will only test again on a volunteer."

Shepard turned her attention from Rahna's contemplative face back to the artifact. "Effects?"

"Longer lasting and more potent biotic capability. I can fight with my biotics without ever tiring, and _without..._" Rahna added slowly, "the use of implants".

"Amazing". Shepard placed the broken disk back into it's holder.

"There's more. It bestowed another power on me, of which I have learned to use. But I have no reference to whether I'm doing right. It gets it's purpose done, as far-"

"Yeah, as far as you can tell." Shepard finished for her. She tore her eyes away from the counter and rounded on Rahna once more. "What does this have to do with Kaidan?"

Rahna breathed and spoke again, as if she were disussing payment plan options for a new sports rover. "We need another volunteer, a very powerful biotic to test its potential. And I'm pretty sure you cannot name a more powerful biotic than one you would take on your own ship to fight beside you. He was powerful enough at seventeen. Besides, I think this is something he'll want to be a part of. This technology could put an end to the use of implants."

"Why not get someone else." Shepard challenged gesturing with one hand. "The Asari? Or the Krogan? They are more durable and have had biotic potential a lot longer than humans."

"Because this is a voluntary process." Rahan shook her head. "And they will not want to be a part of it unless they can also be a part of the claim. This needs to stay with humans."

"So Vyrnnus did rub off on you." Shepard allowed herself a smirk. "You think its best to exclude the aliens."

"This has nothing to do with Vyrnnus." Rahna sain defensively. Shepard watched her breathe to collect herself, and then sit in a nearby chair. "This is about something bigger. Humans have always been one step behind the others in the biotic race. This will maximize their performance, make them _unstoppable_. Think about it, Commander. No more implants, no more crippling side effects..."

Shepard was reminded painfully of how much Kaidan suffered because of his headaches.

"And it will make humans a force to be reckoned with..." Rahna added as an afterthought.

Shepard met Rahna's gaze with a dead stare of realization. "You'll turn it into a weapon."

The scientist shrugged, her hair falling around her. "It was often a discovery of something destructive in our history what pushed our evolution as a civilization forward. Gunpowder. Atom splitting. Well of course the military would like to get their paws on this piece too. But more importantly, we'd be helping biotics. Biotics have lived in shame and distrust from their fellow humans because people do not understand them. We are on the brink of making biotics people to be admired! It's only an addition to what the goverment will pay for us to make the next generation of soldiers an elite force unlike any this galaxy has ever seen before. Everybody wins."

"Unless one of your little 'experiments' goes wrong."

Rahna nodded fairly. "That's why we're on a strictly volunteer basis. And why I need Alenko. If we can make it happen again without fault we can begin trying it on others. The lesser powerful biotics, the younger soldiers, maybe even someday... the unexposed normal people. Someday, we may find a way to make anyone a powerful biotic."

Shepard tried her defense again. "That's why you need a biotic, not why you need Alenko."

Rahna stood again, sighing as if trying to explain something incredibly simple. "There are few human biotics, Commander. And even less that haven't become unstable because of the brutal side effects. And those that _do_ turn out okay aren't scientists. They're trained for military, you know that."

"He won't go for it." Shepard insisted.

"He owes me."

"You think he'll do this for you because of something that happened fifteen years ago?"

"No. I'll think he'll do it because if he doesn't... I'll kill you."

Shepard involuntarily froze. She knew that was something that would make Kaidan do anything, as much as she wished it weren't true.

"I don't think you'll kill me." She bluffed.

"Oh no? Weren't you just counting off how many people have already died by my actions? And you think I'm worried about hurting my ex boyfriend's girlfriend!? Think again. I'm may be a scientist, but I'm still a woman." Rahna spoke thickly, irritation edging its way back into her tone.

"You've forgotten that Kaidan isn't here like you anticipated. You have nothing." Shepard said, trying to sound strong.

Rahna's eyes turned hard. "Well then I had better make sure he's on his way."

Rahna turned on her heel and began to storm to the front of the room again. Shepard had a sinking feeling she knew exactly what Rahna was going to attempt.

"No!" Shepard shouted automatically. She lunged at the scientist in a dangerously untactful way, unable to stop herself.

Rahna's laughter filled her ears, as if relieved that she'd finally managed to crack the commander's calm exterior.

Shepard barely got a grip on the woman before her feet left the floor, and she felt herself being hurled through the air. Her back slammed painfully into the steel wall behind her and she grunted in pain. Her armored head knocked against the metal with enough force to cloud her vision. But even through the hurt she saw Rahna prepare another throw.

Shepard's body was ripped from its place slumped against the wall and thrown sideways into some kind of metal closet, the edges of which battered and beat her body. Her armor protected her from hard edges and corners, but the strength at which she collided with various objects in the room left stars behind her eyes.

Shepard watched helplessly as Rahna whipped back for another move and closed her eyes, focusing instead on not groaning as she was slammed against the ceiling and then fell to the floor.

Shepard lay there for a moment. Her limbs felt tired and heavy, disjointed from her body. She waited for another attack.

But nothing happened. She tilted her head up, ignoring the painful protest of her neck, and saw Rahna standing at the front counter, leaning over a pager.

"Edwards! Thompson!" She shouted, surely making her crewmen jump in their suits. "Report!"

"There's nothing out here, ma'am." Thompson's voice replied. "We even walked out to the rim and checked the rover. There's nothing but empty equipment cases."

"Open them." Rhana ordered at the transmitter. Slowly, behind her, Shepard began getting to her feet. Her body ached, but she made herself ignore it.

"Nothing, ma'am, they're empty."

Shepard was standing now, and she drew herself to full height. "I told you. I came alone. _Just as you asked_."

Rahna snapped back her gaze to Shepard in furious anger and frustration. "And it worked, didn't it!? You're not here with a miniature army. I have you in my control! My only mistake was believing that Alenko would follow you anyway! I expected he would, meaning I would have both of you, and only you two. But since you seem to have chosen not to enlighten him, I'll have to take it upon myself!"

Shepard faltered for a second. Rahna didn't even look tired. In fact, she hadn't even broken a sweat. The biotic power she'd used didn't seem to have had any effect on her.

Shepard didn't have time to come up with a new plan, because Rahna was advancing on her again, icy eyes blazing blue in hatred.

On reflex, Shepard pulled out her only weapon, and pointed her pistol at Rahna.

The woman laughed in a small amused sort of way, her white mane shimmering in delight. "Try it."

Shepard thought for a moment about her options, knowing she still didn't want to_ kill_ Rahna. On a quick thought, she changed her aim and fired at the woman's thigh.

In that second, it was almost as if nothing happened. There was movement, and then Shepard's brain had to catch up with her sight.

When the image registered, Rahna's arm was extended, surrounded in dark blue energy. A barrier separated her from Shepard, the bullet caught in the cloud between and then simply gone.

Shepard's eyes widened at the speed and power. That's why Rahna had allowed her to keep her gun.

She saw the loathing flare in Rahna's eyes again and the woman retracted her arm for another attack. Shepard lunged out of the way as the globe of energy came at her. It slammed into the shelf behind where she had been standing. Then another blue orb of force crashed into the desk Shepard had dove behind and she was forced to move again. Rahna was playing with her, forcing her into a game of cat and mouse.

Shepard darted behind another counter, wishing she had paid more attention to the room earlier.

"Come on, Commander." Rahna said thinly. The heels of her boots clicked slowly, searching. "We can be civil about this."

"You didn't honestly think I'd just subect to your will, did you?" Shepard snarled, waiting for Rahna to attack again at the direction of her voice.

"I don't really see where you have a choice. But if you really want to do it this way, that's fine. I can improvise." The footsteps stopped.

An audible click filled the air.

"Elaine, connect me to the _Normandy_."

_Shit._ She thought furiously. There was a grinding sound of armor on cement as she pulled herself up.

But Rahna was on the other side of the room standing in front of a comm console like the one that had been on Syba, arms crossed in thought as her respondent said something about 'trying to connect'.

"Rahna, let's talk." Shepard said louder, not yet willling to give up her cover. What could she do to distract her from talking to Joker?

But Rahna was already a step ahead of her. "I just want to chat with your lieutenant. I want to know how comfortable he'll feel after he discovers who I am."

_More like 'discovers that I'm gone'._ Shepard thought bitterly. She couldn't say anything without alerting Rahna that there was more Alenko didn't know. She couldn't say anything, but…

Frantically Shepard popped out from behind her shield and pointed her pistol at the console with full intentions to reduce it into blasted plastic.

Almost instantly Shepard found herself paralyzed in screaming pain. Her muscles locked and she felt a very solid and thorough lashing sing through her body. Even more unexplainable was the flash of vibrant color of pink before her eyes.

Through the pain she could feel herself fall and she couldn't focus on keeping her feet underneath her. Her brain went numb and fuzzy. She could feel her throat shouting in agony, but couldn't hear it through the haze.

Eventually she began losing feeling in her limbs, a brief relief to the pain, but she was honestly frightened at the notion of being so helpless.

Finally, the light receded, and she could breath again. She craned her neck to see Rahna crouching over her.

"Stand up." Rahna said venomously, fire in her eyes.

Shepard tried to make her arms work, lazily and clumsily she got her arms beneath her and tried to push against the ground.

"I didn't do a good enough job." Rahna scoffed at herself, seeming only half angry with herself. Shepard barely saw Rahna flare up in a fuchsia corona again before she was engulfed in pink fire and writhing on the floor again.

She didn't know how long she was down this time, only that it hurt. The effect bled from pain into a numbing fog of near consciousness. She was so close to passing out by the time Rahna retracted she wasn't even aware it had stopped.

She tried to focus, but her vision only consisted of shades and shapes. She couldn't feel anything.

"I'll say this slow so you can understand me." Rahna said loudly. Shepard didn't move.

"You can't beat me." Rahna sounded every word out. "So you can start behaving now. The more you fight, the harder you make this little transition on the man you claim to love. Understand?"

Shepard tried to call Rahna a whole string of nasty names, but her lips barely moved, and all she managed were a series of coos that made her head hurt. Her throat felt raw and torn from screaming, and she winced in effort. She was overwhelmed with drowsiness. There was a shuffle of movement, and she was relieved of her helmet, unable to fight Rahna as it was removed and her head dropped back to the floor. The cool cement felt good on her face.

"We want them to see your face." Rahna said smoothly, and again Shepard tried to argue, only to gurgle in a deadened mumbles.

"Elaine, have you got the _Normandy_?"

"Connecting now, ma'am."

Shepard lay helplessly on the floor, fighting relentlessly with the sleepiness that tried to overcome her. She tried to focus on voices, anything to keep her connected to the conscious world.

It wasn't so tricky, after she recognized a distinctly familiar voice fill the room. Shepard tried to turn on her side to see his face in the holo, but her muscles lay utterly useless.

"Commander, please tell me this isn't going to get any messier."

"Wrong guess."

"Oh. Hello, Rahna. Call to apologize?" The voice quipped.

"Joker, right?" The white haired wench replied coldly. "How are you today?"

"Doing pretty good. The boss is kicking some serious ass today. Some self righteous bitch in the Sentry Omega cluster." The pilot replied easily, as if talking to an old friend.

Shepard could almost picture Rahna's lips spread in a smile. "Oh, you mean Shepard? Oh yeah, she's here. And indeed _is_ kicking. But not for too long now. I'm afraid she can't come to the comm right now."

Shepard angrily tried to kick at the scientist's knee caps, but she might as well been trying to play footsies with her.

Rahna sighed as if she were a teen babysitter being interrupted during a phone call. "Well, hold on, I think she wants to say hello."

Shepard growled as she felt herself being lifted up. She knew the woman was small and should've been unable to support her, but she found herself in camera view anyway, trying to focus on the orange glow that must've been Joker's face. It wasn't until a few moments of trying to clear the fuzz in her head that she realized she was being held in a cloud of blue energy, being easily controlled by Rahna, who didn't even seem to be concentrating too hard.

"Commander?" Shepard was relieved to hear Joker kept himself from sounding _too_ shocked and concerned. She tried to say something, but her lips weren't working right.

Rahna cooed. "Hmmm, yes. But I'm afraid she's not doing so well." Rahna tilted her hand and Shepard was lifted a little farther up. "And she won't, unless you do as I say."

" Joker." Shepard forced with as much volume as she could muster. Even now the words sounded weak, but she slowly began gaining back the use of her voice. "Don't listen to her."

There was a blinding pain in her face and she hit the floor again. Without her helmet to protect her, her forehead hit the metal painfully, and red began to ooze from over her right brow. In addition, the spilt lip the krogan had given her on Vebinok reopened with Rahna's hit. She touched a gloved hand to her face, only to pull it back and see her own fingertips glistening with blood.

"Shut up." Rahna said.

Shepard slowly tested her limbs, measuring the strength she could get from them. Rahna left her on the floor.

"So, Asshole." Rahna said returning to Joker. She no longer emulated a sarcastically kind woman, but a spiteful demon, and Shepard hated the woman's demeaning tone and the way she talked to Shepard's friend and pilot. "Is my boy-toy around? I'd like to have a word with him."

And how she talked about Kaidan.

Shepard got her legs underneath her and leapt with as much force as she could. It was weak and unpowerful, but it pushed Rahna out of the way for a moment. "Joker!" Shepard shouted, adrenaline allowing her fight. "Do not let him come here!"

There was a grunt and Shepard was flung from the console again, but she came back fighting the petite scientist. She had easily had more physical strength than Rahna when they first met, but Shepard was still feeling spent and drained for the woman's not-quite-biotic attack.

"Drive away if you have to!" Shepard grinded out as she was hit again, and she was forced to focus herself into the full on shuffle she was having with Rahna. "That's an order!"

"Uh, Commander... I tried-"

"Do it!"

"But you don't get it, the LT-"

"Joker now!"

"Commander-!"

"Dr. Greene!" A new voice entered the shouting, and the struggle between the women stopped as they looked for its source. On the counter, out of the pager was flying Thompson's voice, proud and triumphant. "He's arrived."

Shepard looked at Rahna and her blood ran ice cold. Rahna's face however, split into a smile that reached her blue eyes. "Good work. Disarm him, and then bring him here. Quickly."

"Yes, ma'am."

"That's what I was trying to say." Joker said.

Rahna turned to the holo. "Thank you, Joker. That will be all." And she turned off the console before Joker could rebuke.

Shepard hadn't moved. Her brain wasn't working, and as it was she was hardly standing. She was scared and running out of options. And time. She didn't just have to worry about getting herself out now. She had to get Alenko out. And Shepard, despite that her head usually worked against this logic, knew that getting _him_ out was her priority.

Kaidan would do anything if Rahna played the right card, and Shepard knew she did not want him subjecting himself to this. There was so little that could go _right_. And the fact was, as promising as it sounded, that artifact was too dangerous, and they knew too little about it. And Kaidan would live the rest of his life under a microscope, _if_ he even survived the experiment. _If_ it didn't go horribly wrong.

But if Rahna was going to use Shepard's life as leaverage...

But Kaidan wouldn't help her. Not if Shepard was already dead. In fact, he would find a way to put an end to this whole thing. Shepard weighed the two things she would miss most if they were lost.

Kaidan's life.

And her life with him, their future together.

She'd miss them both if they were taken, but there was just one that would leave her crippled forever.

"I didn't come here to kill you, Rahna. But if you're going to insist on this, I'm going to have to fight you. I want you to understand that this was your fault." Shepard challenged her, already fearing that Rahna's advantages way outranked her own hours of practice with marine hand to hand. But she had to try. She lunged at the woman again, using as much energy as was available to stay on her feet. But as suspected, Rahna's biotic abilities left Shepard as easy prey.

Shepard barely got out a "fuck you", before her world was lit in pink fire again.


	22. All I've Got to Say

**Chapter XXII: All I've Got to Say**

"_I've the time to write a book about_

_The way you act and look…_

_I haven't got a paragraph._

_Words are always getting in my way._

_Anyway, I love you._

_That's all I've got to tell you,_

_That's all I've got to say."_

_-All I've Got to Say, _from The Last Unicorn

**Kaidan**

"As soon as we're close enough take a scan." Kaidan's tone sounded emotionless, but it was only because all of his energy was focused on not showing how anxious he really was.

"Yes, sir." Sarah answered, fingers hovering over the spare handheld equipment monitor they had taken out of the _Normandy_ storage. The land rover they had "acquired" from Port Horatio was unequipped for the mission, but for now, it served its purpose.

The lieutenant shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked out the window, watching the mako containing their alien comrades rumble over the orange sand. The comm channel between the alien members was silent, reflecting his concern.

But it wasn't the same. They respected Shepard enough to not question her. In his anger he could've even accused them of loving her so little that the outcome meant much less to them. But Alenko was utterly consumed by worry.

At first he had been explosively angry. Emotion had become too much, and the planning of his next move from the bridge to the port had been stoic and forceful. But the vehicle ride, the _damn_ ride, loaded him with empty time and painful thoughts.

He was confused when it came to Rahna, so unsure of what it was that could've caused such a series of events, that eventually he felt cross-eyed from trying to figure it out and dismissed it, instead only focusing on getting to her. And getting to Shepard. The wheels just couldn't spin any faster, time could not drag by any slower, and he could not ease the sense of need knotting itself in his stomach.

"_It's loneliness. It's getting closer._"

So many ways he could lose her.

_No._ His mind argued against Udina's warning. _Not going to happen._

But still his boot pressed harder against the already-floored gas pedal, and his grip on the steering wheel tightened.

"_You don't belong here, Lieutenant."_

Kaidan exhaled through his nose, frustrated as the feeling from both his dream and the nightmare he was living in now reared its head and threatened to consume him in fire.

He was desperate.

He had to _know_ she was okay. He had to be wherever she was. _Now_. He was so convinced that if he could just reach her, and touch her, that he could keep her safe. That they would be okay.

He finally became aware of the young brown eyes that had been considering him. He looked over at Sarah, and an overwhelming need to apologize for his behavior washed over him. Sarah, perceptive and understanding as always only softened her expression.

"She's okay." Williams said.

"She'd better be." He said lowly, more to himself than anything. He set his left elbow roughly along the open window and ran his hand nervously though his hair. He made his right hand relax on the steering wheel, and he felt a little stab of pain as the blood began to return to his fingers again.

Suddenly the mini computer in Sarah's lap beeped twice obnoxiously and they were both shaken from their thoughts. "Two contacts, Sir." She said fingers dancing furiously over the sensor screen. "And what looks like a rover. They don't appear to be moving. No organic signatures in the vehicle."

"Mako confirms, Lieutenant." Jones voice chimed, the only one wearing his helmet.

Kaidan rolled the rover to a stop, the mako mirroring his halt. He sighed and looked at the screen in Sarah's lap. On the far edge of the image, just barely inside detection were two red dots, circling an unmoving metal transport.

"Eyes." Kaidan ordered, reaching his hand back to Franklin. The marine placed the military grade binoculars heavily in Alenko's hand.

Kaidan pulled the specs to his face, giving the lens a moment to focus. But sure enough, on the far edge of the horizon, only roughly visible even with the help of technology, two armored humans surrounded what looked very similar to the rover he was sitting in.

"They probably don't see us yet." He said under his breath, handing the binoculars to Sarah so she could check as well.

She sighed after a moment and handed them back to Jones who put them away. "So what's our next move?"

"Sit tight." Kaidan said, opening his door and stepping out. Next to him the mako began to creak and soon the top hatch opened up to reveal Garrus hauling himself out. He hopped down to the sand dexterously beside the lieutenant, a cloud of sandy dust flaring at his feet upon contact.

"The mako computer has a little more reach; it indicates a sudden drop in the terrain a few meters farther out."

"You think it's a dug out?" Kaidan looked in the direction of the supposed point. It would explain why to the naked eye there was nothing to indicate two men should be out there at all.

Garrus nodded. "That's what it appears to be."

There was a pause as a new shimmer of apprehension flashed between them. "That's not very strategic or tactical combat-wise." Kaidan commented.

"That's what worries me."

Kaidan looked back at his team. Sarah sat tentatively on the edge of her seat, expecting orders. Behind her, Jones was checking his gear. Alenko turned back to Vakarian, who already seemed to know what was on his mind.

"I'm giving you Jones and Williams. I'll go in the rover, let them know I'm not looking for a fight, and get to Shepard. Once I've reached her, things will be a lot easier. Stay here, and in fifteen minutes, continue to the coordinates. Assume the commander and I are on our way out. Just make yourselves known and maybe they'll think twice and be more willing to open up to negotiations."

"You sure you want to go in alone?" Garrus clicked, crossing his arms. His small eyes darted from Kaidan to the direction of the base. Kaidan briefly wondered if his turian vision was good enough to see where the two people were tracking around in the orange dirt.

"Rahna didn't come after Shepard, she has no previous connection to her. This has to do with me. I think it's best for everyone if I go and see what this is about myself. It won't do Shepard any good to come on too strong with her captor."

Garrus's mandibles flared thoughtfully. "You two are so much alike."

Kaidan turned back to answer automatically, but he didn't find the words. It hadn't mattered though; Vakarian was already on his way back to the mako. "Jones, Williams girl, you're with me." Garrus called over his shoulder.

Sarah glanced at Kaidan questioningly before sliding out her side of the rover. Jones stood and heaved himself outside as well, tossing Sarah her helmet when she met him on the other side.

There was a great racket as Wrex climbed out of the mako to let the humans in, and the krogan huffed impatiently as the lieutenant stopped the two marines.

"Listen," He said. "I can't make you go with Garrus. I could order you, but I'm not really the poster boy for following orders right now. But I _am_ asking you to stay here and work with him. He knows what he's doing. Listen to him, shoot straight, and you'll be back under Shepard's command soon enough."

Franklin nodded. "Yes, sir. We won't let you or the commander down."

"Good." Kaidan extended his hand. "I know we haven't got along Corporal, but I'm glad to have you on the team. I just wanted you to know that."

Jones clasped Kaidan's hand firmly and shook it. "See you on the other side." He said confidently.

Kaidan nodded and Jones continued to the mako, scrambling to the top of it. He was about to begin talking to Wrex about how they were all going to fit when Kaidan turned and almost ran smack into Sarah, who had her hand held out as well.

Kaidan shook it. "I'll be counting on those sniper skills of yours if things go badly, Sarah."

"Of course, Sir." She winked. And then she too climbed up the mako to the top. She slid her legs into the hatch and was about to drop in when she called back. "Permission to speak freely, Sir?"

"Granted."

"Be careful, Lieutenant. I've seen what the commander looks like when she's convinced she's lost you. It isn't pretty." Sarah said sincerely.

"The commander is a survivor. She would've dealt with it."

"No, sir." Sarah blatantly countered. "She would've _survived_."

Kaidan didn't let his mind wander to what that supposed to mean. Time was a luxury he didn't have.

He began to climb back into his own vehicle. Next to him, Wrex closed the hatch after the two humans and dug himself heavily into a sitting position on the top of mako.

"Hey, and Alenko." He growled as Alenko slammed the door shut. "If she dies in there... I'll kill you."

Kaidan felt the creepy and growingly familiar squirm of his stomach. "I'll tell you what, Wrex." He leaned his head out the window. "If she dies in there, I'll let you."

He exchanged a decisive glance with Wrex and slammed his door shut.

He started the vehicle up again and slid the computer console Sarah had been using under the passenger seat. He considered for a moment whether or not he should put on his helmet, but eventually decided against it. This wasn't normal combat, and he could just as easily insult his host by wearing too much gear. Whoever Rahna was anymore, she needed to know he was sincere, and that he was there as something other than a soldier.

He quickly switched the rover into gear and roared forward, heading towards the target with decisive advancement. He had halfway crossed the distance and could see the two people- armored men- easily with naked eyes before they took real notice of him. They seemed surprised, but not shocked, as Kaidan might've anticipated.

He didn't stop the vehicle until he was nearly on top of them. He pointedly met the eyes of the larger more intimidating one with determination. He didn't break the man's stare as he stepped out onto the sand and slammed the door of the rover.

"You know why I'm here. And I don't think you two are here to kill me, so why don't you take me to her right away so we can end this whole mess and stop wasting each other's time?

"Dr. Greene." The younger of the two spoke into his handheld radio. "He's arrived."

Kaidan continued to stare at the larger. The man was testing him, seeing if he would break his gaze, but Kaidan refused.

"We've been expecting you, Kaidan Alenko."

* * *

Kaidan didn't argue as he was stripped of his weapons. And he didn't complain when they forced him violently in front of them and told him to march forward. He figured he could only increase his chances of being able to talk some sense into Rahna if he complied as readily as possibly. Besides, every step got him that much closer to Shepard, that much closer to grabbing her and holding her and telling her she was the most stupid, smart person he had ever met. Rahna and her goons had been prepared, and he was equally prepared to pay whatever cost they asked if it meant Shepard's life. And so he walked down the path leading into the bowl. He followed their directions around the smaller of the three buildings into a small descending staircase into the dirt.

But none of it had readied him for what happened when the doors slid open.

"Oh look, the touching reunion." The voice should've sounded familiar, but instead it sounded sick and twisted. But maybe that was because his senses weren't working right.

All he knew was that the door had slid away to reveal a battered and bloody Shepard, hovering limply in a bubble of energy, and then she was dropped heavily right into him. Groaning and weak, her eyes barely fluttered to see him. Kaidan caught her against him, expecting the relief that he had been sure would wash over him once he could feel her in his arms.

But it never came. His first instinctive thought was that he was too late.

Something in his chest tore before he even recognized what he was feeling. He lowered Shepard to the ground gently, ignoring the rest of his surroundings completely, lost in the severity of her condition. He knelt with her to carry half her weight. "Shepard? Shepard?!"

She mumbled for a second, and he winced at how hard she was working to keep herself conscious. Blood slid down the curve of her right brow, a bruise was blooming along her left cheek bone, and her lip had split again, but that shouldn't have warranted the weakness of her grip as she tried to cling to him. He could hardly feel her fingertips through his armor, as light as it was.

"Shepard, Sweetheart, say something." He pleaded, cradling her upper body against his chest with one arm. He used his free hand to guide her face toward his, and tried desperately to get her to open her eyes further. He wanted so badly to see the spirit still in them.

"You... are... an idiot." She murmured. Yet she leaned into him. "You knew better. You've given her what she wants."

Kaidan tore his eyes from her face and looked up at the woman he had known both most and least.

Rahna was so different, and yet so similar to how she had been fifteen years ago. Beautiful, graceful, and besides her unnatural white hair, it could've just as easily been all those years back at BAaT. Physically.

But there were the other things. The traits that were completely unheard of in the Rahna he had once known. Arrogant confidence, ruthless determination, and cruel power... She reeked of it.

The woman met his eyes, something devious and almost playful behind her icy blueness, inviting him in. And yet when he let himself try to seep into the crystal depths to decipher their antagonistic ideals, he was met with a coldness and emptiness unlike anything he had ever known. And he knew then that he didn't know anything about this woman in front of him.

Only that she had hurt the commander.

"Please tell me you didn't drag the others into this?" Shepard asked lowly.

He lowered his eyes to Shepard, taking in her beaten face."Do you honestly think that they would be willing to stay behind?" He whispered fondly in a tone that he could only hope would soothe her. He had been so angry, but now, he just wanted it all to be over. He wanted to be able to hold her back on the _Normandy_.

"Leave us." Rahna said angrily to her two guards when Kaidan had returned his attention to the form in his arms. There was a swoosh of doors behind him as her men obeyed her.

"What do you want me to say? What do I have to _do_ to get you to leave, Kaidan? Beg? Order you?" Shepard's hands encased his neck in a touching intensity, but her voice was firm and insistent.

"You already tried that, and have been trying persitently for the last few days. It didn't and it _won't_ work. Though, I'll admit you've been resourceful." He could tell from her sour expression that she didn't appreciate his answer too greatly. But he didn't appreciate some of her recent decisions either. This was just the way it had to be. "I'm staying, Shepard."

He knew when he said it that he wasn't referring to this mission or even this moment. It was vow. A reiterization of his promise, made in the wee hours of that same morning.

_I promise you, Shepard. I'll stay with you... to the end and through it._

"If you stay, it will end the chances of us having a future at all, don't you understand that?" She insisted.

"I could say the same for leaving." He argued.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. She must know he was right, even if it were only a little bit. He wasn't doing anything she wouldn't have. Garrus was right, maybe they were similar.

Kaidan fought the lump forming in his throat as he contemplated the shrinking likelyhood of ever being the same with Shepard as they had once been. He only squeezed her tighter, taking comfort in the feeling of her chest rising and falling into his.

"What have you done?" He said breathily, making himself look at Rahna. "What have you _done_ to her?"

Rahna huffed with indifference. "Nothing permanent, yet. Do as I say and it will remain that way."

He pulled back from Shepard's body. Her eyes were still closed, but she was breathing. He brushed back the loosened and stray strands of hair from her face with a gloved hand while Rahna began to describe exactly what it was she wanted him to do. She spoke of some artifact, and something she called 'biotic advancement'. He watched, expressionless as the storm inside him raged.

She spoke with lethal conviction and relentless insistence. She even moved differently. After a while he only observed her, but every time he turned his attention to the commander, he felt the wave of irritation radiate from Rahna. Like thunder it cracked though the air, and automatically his hold on his love tightened in protective defiance.

The more the woman talked, the more his brain began to fuzz. He held Shepard and cursed every word Rahna spoke, and every thought that had led them to this situation.

"...And all we need now is one volunteer. Alenko, we can change the future of Biotics! You can keep situations like what we went through on Jump Zero from happening to hundreds of other kids. We can achieve amazing things, _together_."

And then, she had Kaidan's attention. He looked straight into her eyes, searching for the human he had once known, who had once said the word "together" in such a way that he never wanted to leave her. Yet she was gone, and in her stead was a woman that didn't even remember what it was like to be of the same part of anyone or anything. Kaidan should have felt sorry for her. But he didn't. When he spoke he drug his phrases out, lacing them with resentment.

"You came into my home, and you shot my girlfriend _trying_ to shoot me. You dragged us halfway across the galaxy on a wild goose chase. You almost _killed_ our friend. You threatened the commander with my life. And you do _this_-" He growled, squeezing Shepard's body closer into him. His arms nearly shook with emotion. "All because you want my help for your little _science experiment_?"

"I was trying to meet you, Kaidan. Alone. But _she_," Rahna shot, matching his tone, "has a nasty little habit of getting in my way. I had to _remove _her."

"What happened to you?!" Kaidan rasped. "You're not the person I knew once."

"No!" Rahna began to pace to the right, scowling deeply at him. "I woke up! I realized that there is a price for _everything_. Even attention. Even from you."

"I have no idea what you're-"

"Have you ever wondered what happened to me after Jump Zero? Did you even care!?"

"Rahna, you made it pretty clear about how strongly you didn't want anything to do with me after the mess-up with Vyrnnus. You avoided me. You knew where I lived then, you could've contacted me anytime if you had wanted. But you didn't, did you? I was a living reminder of things you didn't want to remember, and you were scared of me. So keep the blame about not sending you Christmas cards every year to yourself."

"Last I checked, the extranet worked both ways."

Kaidan took the roundabout argument as an opportunity to check on Shepard once more to see if she were waking up at all. A little bit of color had returned to her face. But again, instead of feeling relief, his hatred grew. "This isn't about what happened fifteen years ago." He finally said to Rahna. "We both know that. There were other kids, and they aren't in this situation."

"No," Rahna hissed, "they're not." She stopped pacing and glared at the lieutenant. "After you killed Vyrnnus, Conatix had a hard time finding a replacement while covering their asses to keep the media from discovering they had used turians to train us. In the meantime, their most promising prospect in our batch of biotics had been shipped home."

Kaidan shifted and guided Shepard the rest of the way on the ground, setting her head down as carefully as possible. She groaned and it nearly brought him back down to her side, but soon enough she seemed content and he rose to meet Rahna's accusations head on.

"When Conatix finally folded my parents exhausted their resources and most of their fortune trying to find the best future for me. But a partially-trained biotic is 'dangerous' to human society if they can't slap a dog tag on them and call them military property. Eventually the only hope I had of making something of myself was going to a training facility outside of human relations."

Kaidan crossed his arms while he listened, frowning.

"I had to work for everything I wanted to call my own. And towards the end of my training, I had two options. I could join the military as I was originally planned, or work there, teaching students biotics. And when Xeno Corporations found the artifact they saw an opportunity to put themselves in galactic spotlight. They knew there was something to it, and wanted the power for themselves. They began looking for someone to figure out what it did. Xeno Corp. promised that if I helped, I would receive the rest of my training for free and a quarter of whatever riches its technology led to. I thought I was doing something good, I…" She laughed. "I naively thought that my story and experiences could help. So I worked there for about eight years."

"You stayed?"

"What choice did I have?!" Rahna shouted. Behind Kaidan, Shepard stirred. "After mom and dad split I had to start taking care of myself, and most the money we had left was lost in the divorce. The only thing they could agree on was that they wanted the most out of me. So yes, I offered to help."

Rahna breathed for a second, obviously frustrated about the way things had turned out.

"I'm sorry about your parents." Kaidan said. Not sweetly, but not sarcastically. Just enough to let her know that he thought it was unfortunate, but was nowhere near justification for her actions.

"I dealt with it." Rahna said lowly. "I had to. Anyway, that's not the point. It doesn't matter how I got here, only that I am."

"And this _artifact_ did this?" Kaidan asked impatiently.

Rahna glared at his tone, but didn't argue. "I'm getting to that. I was put on the team to study the object. But… I became entranced by it, obsessed with it, as did the other researchers in the facility. And eventually we fought over time to study it.

"My partner and I were working late, but he got _possessive_ of it. When I tried to free it from him, he fought back, and it turned into a shuffle. We must of broke something in the lab, because suddenly my blood was on the artifact and it started... reacting."

Rahna's face scrunched up and Kaidan saw a tiny fissure of confusion in her expression. Like the first day they'd arrived on Jump Zero. He made himself remember she wasn't the same person, and to harden his heart where it normally would've reached out to her.

"I don't remember much afterward. Just pain. Things went dark and bright and painful all at once. I saw a flurry of images I didn't understand, and then blacked out. And when I woke up, my partner was dead. Along with everyone else in the entire facility." Her face darkened. "And then I saw myself. That I had changed. I freaked out, and locked myself in a cleaning closet. By the time someone came to investigate the compound, I was shaken. I told them I'd blacked out. Someone was too loud about a theory that the attack could've been raiders or terrorists against biotics. And I didn't argue. I let them believe I had been left for dead. I convinced them that whoever had attacked must've assumed I had dead as well and then I hid when they left, frightened.

"They proposed that whoever it was used some kind of gas bomb or something similar, because a fair share of the victims were unmarked, but dead all the same…"

Kaidan watched her speak, a kind of calm eye to a treacherous storm melded like foundation to her face, as though she had told the story over and over so many times in her head that it no longer bothered her. Unless she let it.

"But I knew the truth." She met his eyes. "Maybe not at first. I tried to convince myself that it really was terrorists. But in the back of my mind I knew. I had nightmares… I killed them. Every one. I was angry; maybe even crazy. The artifact..." She tilted her head and closed her eyes like she was trying to listen for something. Her forehead scowled. "Did something to my head."

Kaidan waited. Behind him, he could hear Shepard try to move, maybe she was recovering. But he didn't dare look.

Rahna sensed it as well and opened her eyes. "It wasn't until a few weeks later I began to notice my biotic powers had increased. And the dreams eventually taught me about my other… ability. Or at least, how I had used it when I… when anyone and everyone who could've helped me wound up dead."

Kaidan finally felt sorry for her. He dangerously began to relate. He knew how it felt to wake up one day and wonder what you've become. "And this is what you want to try on me?"

"I think I know how to ease the transformation, using my own powers during the exchange."

"You _think_?" Kaidan suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, and Shepard was next to him. She was standing, but leaning against him heavily, and she was sweating from the effort. He laced an arm around her waist to steady her. Rahna pointedly sneered at the motion.

"That's why my only hope of progression is to prove that I can conduct a change safely. By getting a single volunteer. After losing the entire facility to "terrorists" the company needed something big simply to save itself. They put me in charge of recovery. I have mastered my ability now. And I believe I have found a way to replicate the exposure in a more secure environment. That's where you come in.

"Kaidan, we can change the face of biotics. We can change the shape of the future for the human race."

"Why me?"

"I can't trust anyone else."

"That's bullshit, you haven't spoken to me in over fifteen years." Kaidan countered.

Rahna shook her head. "What I meant was I can't trust anyone to understand. I killed my instructors, Kaidan. And worse, the students. And I have to make up for it."

"I spent the last decade trying to make up my own mistake!" Kaidan said. "I worked my ass off to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not see a monster. And I managed to not kill anyone else in the process of recovery."

"So you don't see your efforts as a soldier, the hundreds you've killed, as the same price tag for your redemption?" Rahna countered.

"That is my _job_, Rahna! Is trying out this technology, even to advance human biotics worth killing Shepard!?" He asked.

"I would trade anything!" Rahna shouted furiously. "To have my sanity back, to have you back! And she stands in the way of all of that. I'll have no choice, unless you do as I say."

Kaidan felt a pang in his stomach. Anything was worth Shepard's life. Even if Rahna was wrong. Even if the process left him as messed up and as much a danger to humanity as she was. Even if it went horribly wrong and he died in the process.

"No." Shepard voice was at his ear. She leaned into him. "Kaidan no. It's not worth it. This will change you forever, even if she's right. It will accomplish everything I tried to save you from. I could never forgive you for giving in to her for my safety."

He turned to her. "I could live with that."

Something in her eyes broke. "But I couldn't. Kaidan, I'd never forgive _myself_."

"Neither of us care too much, Commander." Rahna cut in cruelly.

Kaidan tore his eyes from Shepard and sought Rahna's, trying to send a silent plea across the room. "Let her go first. Then I'll do whatever you want."

"Bullshit, I'm not going." Shepard insisted in his ear.

He scowled at her. "This isn't your fight. It's not even your fault. This had nothing to do with you, and because of me you got dragged into it. I can't let you suffer any more because of my actions."

"I couldn't keep your ass out of this mess with an Alliance-crewed warship at my disposal and you expect _me_ to just walk out of here without you?!" Shepard countered bitterly.

"Shepard-"

"She has no choice." Rahna interjected. "She'll stay. She needs to see what you'll become. It's the only way she'll be able to let you go. Besides, I need some motivation for you in case you decide to change your mind."

Kaidan turned back to Rahna for what must've been the hundredth time and found her surrounded in pink light. His brain connected the dots, but not fast enough. Shepard was being torn from his side, and she was out of reach before he could get a good hold on her.

Shepard was immobilized, frozen in energy Alenko couldn't describe, and fear gripped his heart.

"No." He said, already making moves to Rahna, who had brought Shepard to a hover next to her.

"Stop." Rahna said sternly. "There is only one way to save her now." Rahna reached to the right with her free hand and picked up what looked like half of a broken disk, a carving of ornate lines and circles and held it out, firmly holding the end. "Just a little bit of blood, that's all it takes."

Kaidan looked nervously from the disc to Shepard a few feet away, out of arms reach. And right next to her was Rahna. Could Kaidan ever hate anyone so intensely?

"Let Shepard go first." He pleaded. "Please."

"No."

"_Please_?"

Suddenly the room was filled with Shepard's cries of pain, and Rahna's face was alight in pink glow. Kaidan's own screams joined Shepard's as he watch her writhe and squirm under the fushia light. "No! Stop! _Stop_!" Kaidan immedietly began charging up for an attack, anything to get Rahna to stop, but as soon as Kaidan's body lit up in blue corona the magenta light intensified, and Shepard was engulfed in a fire, roaring over the sound of her voice.

"Stay back!" Rahna ordered. "I could kill her before you'd even get an attack off, and I promise you I'd live."

"Stop it!" He shouted as the light continued to blaze at its magnified rate.

"Back _off_!"

"Kaidan!" Shepard cried. It must've been muffled throught the wall of force, but the sound of her voice calling her name shot through his nerve systems. Because she wouldn't ask for help. Not with a clear mind; not unless she were in so much pain she had lost control of her body.

"Okay." He said defeatedly. His own blue light receded, and as promised, so did Rahna's power. She retracted the energy surrounding the commander and she fell with a thud to the ground.

"No negotiations." Rahna iterated. "This is your only path."

Kaidan found Shepard's eyes, searching desperately for proof that she was okay. That's what finally did it. There, in the eyes he had fallen in love with, was a fear he had never witnessed before. And it wasn't even fear for herself. It was fear for him, and it was too much for him to handle.

There was no future in his thoughts. All he could think about was the past. All his mistakes with her, all the things he wished he could take back. All the times that she had saved him, when he had been no more than just a man. And she was so much more than what anyone deserved. He never favored the idea of dying. But… this seemed like an okay way to go. This maybe wasn't death. But no matter the outcome now, it meant the end of him and Shepard together. In his heart, maybe he had known that before he even left the ship.

All the more reason to believe that this was the right decision.

"Okay." He finally conceded. He began to peel off his right glove. "I'll do it."

Shepard shot him a furtive glance, and he hoped more than anything that she could someday forgive him.

He dropped his glove to the floor. After this, he probably wouldn't be a soldier anymore. Rahna had made it quite clear that this was a life-altering experience.

He searched his belt for the knife he always stored on the right side and flipped it open. In the shining edge he saw the first smile Shepard ever gave him. The first time he held her. The first time she'd whispered that she loved him. Their last argument… She _had _let him in.

And the only reason she was in this position now was that he had allowed her to weaken herself for him.

He owed her this.

He raised the knife over his palm, as the life he may have had with her flashed through his mind. The memories they might've shared. The way his family would've adored her as he did. The nights they might've experienced, all magical, blissful, and filled with love. Someday they may have even…

"_NO_!" There was a shout, a scuffle, and Kaidan was thrust out of his trance. Shepard was on top of Rahna, both of them on the floor, and it took him only a second to figure out that Shepard has somehow summoned the strength to attack while Rahna had been focused on him.

Shepard lay on the smaller woman, trying to keep her from using her biotics, and Kaidan exploded in motion jumping to them before he even had a plan.

But the women were in a fight of passion, furious and fierce, and so fast that he wasn't sure who all the blood was coming from.

He tried to control his emotions, to get a good hold on his biotic powers. If only he could put Rahna in stasis. Just long enough for Shepard to breathe, long enough for him to get to Rahna and grab her. He could end this.

But Rahna was faster and she threw up a barrier that hurled Shepard off of her and onto the floor a few feet away. In her force, the artifact flew from her grip as well and clattered across the tile.

That's when Kaidan realized the blood was coming from Shepard.

And the artifact was covered in it.

Rahna lay sprawled on her stomach, a hushed 'no' slipping out of her lips.

The lieutenant ignored her and ran to Shepard's side, only to be blinded by a sudden dark blue almost violet light. But it exploded in his eyes, unnaturally bright and abusive despite its color, and he threw up his arm to protect his eyes.

It lasted for almost a full minute before he dared lower his arm again. The lines on the half-circle that he hadn't bothered to examine flashed indigo. The pulsing glow began to increase as it reacted with the red of Shepard's blood.

_Shepard. _

He ran to her. She too was laced in the indigo color but it surrounded, consumed and seeped into her body. He fell to the ground next to her.

Her body convulsed for a moment, and Kaidan found himself grasping for her, but he couldn't make it stop. The frustration made him shake in anger and helplessness. His lungs pressed hard against the two tons of weight in his chest to get the oxygen flowing. Something was horribly, horribly wrong.

Blood ran out of a heaving cut along her forehead that she must've sustained from Rahna's fight. But it wasn't just the blood that scared him, flowing almost in slow motion, dragging out her pain, but it was something else as well. The very sparkle of light had left her eyes. Like her life had already been dwindled down to nothing. He tried to deny the fact that he had seen maybe a dozen of marines look like this… and they had all been moments from death. And though Kaidan wanted to close his eyes and pretend it was a dream, or that maybe she was a lot better off than she looked, he knew in his heart that Shepard was no different. Fire and sickening pain laced and licked at his body... because she was dying. He could sense it. Shepard- _his_ _Shepard_- was dying. And there was nothing he could do about it.

"Kaidan," his commander said weakly.

"I'm here, baby, I've got you." He wanted to hold her and never let her go, but he was afraid of injuring her further. He took a cursory glance over her body, trying to find a safe way to embrace and comfort her. "I've got you."

"I don't feel so good." She groaned and bit her lip, and he couldn't take not being able to hold her anymore. She cried out when he first began pulling her into him but as soon as he secured her she stopped and instead managed little gasps of pain. "My head… Kaidan, it hurts."

"Shhh." His heart clenched and his stomach churned as stern reality pierced his veins with ice. He felt like he might throw up, but he directed his attention to Shepard's form, and what he knew would be the last few moments he would have with her.

She moaned and shook her head, trying to erase the pain. "Ow. I'll tell you what, 'ow!'." She opened her eyes and tried to smile, but he could see the weakness behind her eyes. The grimace hidden beneath upturned lips. He couldn't bring himself to smile back. Her face slowly fell as she realized there was no fooling him. Her hand found its way around his neck and she locked herself into him.

"You are so _stupid_. Why… why did you-?" He choked and cuddled her tightly.

"I couldn't let you do it. I didn't know what would happen. This wasn't what I planned-" A shout overcame her again but she tried to reign it in. Her hand flew to her head as she fought unknowingly against Kaidan's hold. After a moment she stopped. She breathed heavily from the effort of trying to keep the pain trapped inside. "But... better me than you."

_It had always been like that for her_, he realized. Eden prime was evidence of that, he just... didn't know it went to this extent. Maybe even she didn't know. Until it was too late. Kaidan's body heaved with emotion. "Shhh... Shepard. I've got to tell you something. But you have to focus, you have to listen, okay? I have to know you can hear me. Are you listening?"

She yelled again, and she clung to him for relief from the pain.

"Are you listening?!"

"You never had to say it." She bit out. Her arms were like an iron cage around his torso, squeezing the air out of his lungs for strength, but he suspected he wouldn't have been able to breathe even if she weren't.

"But I want to. I _have_ to. I need you to hear the words."

"I _know._" She persisted. "I always knew. I never should've let you think that I didn't."

"Shut up and listen!" He was running out of time.

She smiled genuinely, wincing only slightly at the movement. "That's my soldier."

"Damn you, Shepard!" He said sternly. "Damn you, I love you! And I'm probably going to hell for all the trouble it's caused me! But damn it, it's true!"

The realization that this was all really happening took over every cell in his body, and he slid his arm around her shoulders and leaned in, bringing her to him. Desperately he kissed her, knowing he would not have the opportunity tomorrow, or the next day, or ever again.

He tasted blood and sweat, but it was all hers, and so he cherished it all.

She winced in pain but didn't ask him to stop. He wanted so badly to keep from hurting her that he pulled away sooner than he could've ever justified to himself.

"See, that's the kind of attitude this galaxy needs." Shepard attempted to tease. Her forehead creased, and her eyes shut tight against the pain of another shudder racking through her body. But like titanium it only nailed him that much more to her side. "Where is she?" Shepard asked roughly.

Like an epiphany Kaidan remembered they weren't alone. His eyes snapped to where he had last seen Rahna. She was a few feet farther back, sitting on the floor, but watching with curious and fuming eyes. She didn't show signs of wanting to intervene. And she sure as hell didn't show any signs of wanting to help.

"Don't worry about her." He replied to Shepard.

The commander smiled. "I will worry all I want until your sexy ass is back on our ship, Lieutenant."

Kaidan released a small huff of air that would have to pass as a laugh. "I'm not leaving without yours."

"You don't get the luxury of a choice." Shepard said. Kaidan sank as he saw her glide so smoothly from determined banter to serious concern. "This is bigger than us Kaidan." She tried to open her eyes, but the color in them wounded him. They weren't bright, but dull and almost empty. "You are the only one left from Eden Prime. You're everyone's only hope now."

The Reapers. Was it so ridiculous to admit that right now the vanguards of destruction were the furthest down on his list of worries? In fact, he almost wished they would show up, that moment, and wipe them all out, instead of facing a life without her.

"I can't do it without you." His tightening throat strangled his voice. He slid his ungloved hand to her face, stroking her forehead slowly. Though, he doubted any of his old tricks against his migraines were even close to touching the pain, judging by her expression. "I wouldn't even know how to start."

"You'll do fine. I know you will. I have faith in you."

Kaidan didn't know how to respond to that. He only held on to her and dropped his head onto hers, meeting her eyes. "Stay with me." He finally begged.

Suddenly her hand tightened around him and he felt the fresh waves of hurt pulse through her fingers. "It hurts too much, Kaidan." She gritted. "My head is going to explode. My body…" She forced a shout through gritted teeth.

"I've got you." He said. He ran out of words. It was the only thing he could offer that could bring either of them comfort. If Shepard was finally admitting the truth... It wouldn't be long. "I've got you, I've got you."

She quickly began to relax after that. Her eyes closed and her body stopped shaking against his. "I've got you, I've got you." He tucked her head under his chin, rocking her back and forth.

She stopped groaning, and gasping for air. Soon all that was left was the unnaturally slow inflation on her chest. And too soon, he could no longer feel that either.

"Shepard?" He leaned her away from him and her head lulled back loosely. He felt raw fright flood his system and moved two of his fingers under her armor neck seal, feeling the skin where her pulse should be thrumming systematically.

But he didn't feel a single beat.

"Shepard?" Without his full hold on her her arms fell. He didn't need to know the rest.

He held the back of her head, tucking her face into the crook of his neck while he pressed his cheek against her head. "Shepard." He whispered to himself. The first tears cut their way down his skin silently. He quickly swept them away, not out of anger, but out of determination. Determination for all the things he would have to do without her.

_Without her._

His body exploded in a roar that he couldn't control, and his chest squeezed at the sound as it reverberated through his throat filling the room. "God _damnit_!"

His vision went red. He wasn't thinking clearly. All he knew was that he had to hurt someone. He had to make someone pay.

Kaidan's body stiffened as he remembered there was someone in the room with him that had caused the whole ordeal. He carefully lay Shepard down on the tile, and kissed her eyelids. He stood robotically, turning around, his grief driving him dangerously toward Rahna. It was _her_ fault. _She_ was to blame.

"You!" He snarled, stepping over to her. "You _killed_ her!"

The white haired woman desperately scrambled to her feet. "No Kaidan, this wasn't supposed to happen, please!"

"I _loved_ her!"

"That wasn't supposed to happen, I don't know what went wrong-!" Rahna began back pedaling, pressing herself against the cabinet behind her.

"For Christ's sake Rahna, shut up!" He shouted. "You have no idea what you've done! You've not only _killed_ the woman I love- but _again_, you have murdered the only person capable of helping you! Or the rest of this civilization for that matter!"

"Don't you see?" Rahna pleaded. "Now you can move on, become something greater. You can help me, and other biotics across the galaxy, Kaidan!"

"Thanks to you there might not be a galaxy to save, Rahna! You have no idea what you've just caused. There are bigger things out there than biotics, humans, asari, all races, none of it is going to matter now!"

"That's a little melodramatic don't you think?!" She said loudly, though she looked nervously into Kaidan's eyes at whatever darkness had filled them.

"No! You couldn't understand! You were so engrossed in your little plan, in your scheme, thinking all the while that it's you that shapes the future of the galaxy, that you can't even see past your own front door!" He spat. He stood inches from her, angry and pressing, she backed away to try to escape him, but he continued to force himself in her path. "Melodramatic is killing someone for your own mistakes because you didn't want to admit to them. Melodramatic is hurting dozens of people for the selfish purposes of an old flame!"

He grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her.

"Give me a reason." He growled through gritted teeth. "Come on!"

"Kaidan, please!" She reached out to him, but he refused to acknowedge the contact.

"You could've s_aved_ her. You said so yourself your powers could've-"

"Kaidan-" She begged.

"Why should I help you, now? What purpose is there for me here?"

"If you want to leave here, there is nothing I could say now to change your mind." She said. He could tell she was hoping that if he realized that he would give her a chance.

"No, you couldn't." He admitted. "You lost that ability a long time ago."

Rahna tried to incline her head to where Shepard lay dead. "She would want you to help people. To become all you could."

Kaidan pulled Rahna off the cabinet and then slammed her back against it. She whined, and her feet slipped trying to get traction. He felt the tiniest twinge of guilt for hurting her, but it was quickly shushed by the renewed anger. "How _dare_ you talk about her like you knew her!? Like you understood!"

Beneath his skin, Kaidan's implant hummed for vengeance. It rang out, urging him to make her pay for her mistakes. It was then he felt something like de ja vu. With Vyrnnus... and a young girl he had once known. His implant had itched then too, begging him to take action; and he had let it, costing Vyrnnus his life. And if he gave in again now it would prove he'd learned nothing. From his own mistakes, or from Shepard.

But was this different? Rahna was sick. She wasn't in her right mind, she could be a danger to herself and others. But of course... so was Vyrnnus. _Where was the line? _

_Shepard would've known the difference. She would've known what was right._

His heart squeezed. His body was dangerously close to acting on it's own...

"Lieutenant!"

Kaidan's mind sank in the weight of all the things he'd forgotten. For instance, that there was a world outside what was happening to him. And there was more beyond this room.

"Lieutenant Alenko!" Tali said again, this time he saw her. She came up to his side and gently put a hand on his arm. "This isn't the way." Tali said. "No one deserves this." Tali looked at the woman's face. It was clear the quarian feared he would kill the woman.

Like lightning Kaidan was riddled with memories of Shepard.

_"-You were trying to protect a girl you loved. That's a noble thing-"_

_"-There's got to be a better way-!"_

_"-Protecting humanity doesn't mean anything if we lose our humanity in the process-"_

He shut his eyes as her voice assaulted his ears.

"I know." Kaidan said solidly over the voices, drowning them out. He opened his eyes into Rahna's stare, meeting her beautiful but... _empty_ eyes. The voices ceased. "She will live."

"Just like that? You disappoint me, Lieutenant. Just when I thought you had developed some edge." Wrex growled angrily from across the room. It was tone the krogan didn't often use unless he took something personal. He stood cradling his shotgun next to Shepard's body. The others had begun to gather around it as well, trying the more gentle ways of waking her up first. Drellis stood by the door, and Jones seemed caught in the middle, unsure of what to do. They didn't realize yet that she wasn't merely unconscious. "There are dozens of quarians dead, Nar' Ryyah, and look what she's done to the commander!" The krogan's mouth twisted and he stepped closer to Tali and Kaidan, glaring at white-haired human. "I say, we make sure it doesn't happen again. You can leave that to me if you don't have the guts."

_Killing Rahna won't bring Shepard back_. Kaidan reminded himself. And it would definately ensure that he would never find out what it was that had truly killed his love. He was safe now, just as Shepard had wanted. And now she would want him to get out. "That won't change anything, Wrex." Kaidan said quietly.

"Only the lieutenant can decide what to do." Tali reminded the krogan.

The quarian looked toward where a small crowd of their companions were surrounding the commander, murmuring. She went to them, leaving Kaidan to this thoughts. But Wrex remained, hoping to hear that his thirst for revenge would be satisfied.

Kaidan let go of Rahna.

"Thank you." Rahna said quietly, rubbing her arms where he had held her.

"Don't thank me," he growled and motioned toward Shepard's body, "it's to _her,_ and to what she made of me you owe your gratitude." Then without looking back at her he stepped closer to Wrex. "Take her to Port Heratio." He said. "Hold her there until we can arrange for transport to the nearest mental hospital. She is to be unharmed."

"Alenko!" Wrex snarled, but Kaidan's eyes snapped to him, and for the first time, it made the krogan halt.

"You're much more forgiving than I am, Human." Wrex finally said lowly, but with some form of composure.

_It's what Shepard would do_, Kaidan thought. He turned from the two and headed to Shepard's body. He heard Wrex grumble about 'bleeding heart good-doers' and then direct Rahna to the exit, but Kaidan didn't focus on it. He let his eyes settle on Shepard's limp form.

Kaidan approached Shepard, who's head was now in Sarah's lap. Williams's tears fell silently down into Shepard's hair as Garrus began cutting away the green armor from the neck to the chest with his tech kit. There was an anticipation that filled the room, as everyone hoped that Shepard would prove to be only unconcious. But Kaidan knew the truth. He knew in the gaping whole where his heart should be that she was gone. He'd watched the very glimmer leave her eyes. He stood there, unable to move closer to the body.

Still they were all silent, all gathering closely as Garrus peeled away layers of fabric.

Eventually the commander's skin was exposed and Garrus began finding all the pressure points that would indicate a pulse, but by the way he kept switching between them, it was obvious he was not detecting a single sign. The turian leaned his hawk face down to the commander's chest, pressing his ear against her skin.

He froze, listening intently. The room was silently awaiting his answer.

After a moment, his shuddering breath was all the answer they needed. He pulled away and visibly swallowed. His mandibles popped lightly as he tried to get in enough air to say his next statement.

"No heartbeat."

Sarah finally broke the silence as her throat whined her mourning into the air uncontrollably. The young girl cried, voicing everyone's emotions in her own sound. But it was soon overcome by the cluttering and crashing of lab equipment.

Lieutenant Alenko shouted and hurled things across the room. He angrily swore at every thing he touched, bringing everything he could reach to the ground. He was breathing hard by the time he found the artifact a few feet away from Shepard, dark with her blood. His gut wrenched at the sight of it, and he wanted to toss the cursed thing into the nearest black hole. But he paused, unable to tear his eyes from it at he flipped it on its side over and over in his palm. A gloved hand caught his, small and feminine. He handed the thing to Tali, letting her take it and its hateful existence.

He looked back to the rest of the group. All finally beginning to move after his little tantrum had ended. Jones bent to help Sarah up and Garrus began to tuck his arms under the body.

"No, let me do it." Kaidan said, walking purposefully to the body and kneeling down.

"Are you-"

"Yes." Kaidan met the turian's eyes with certainty and respect. "Let me do it."

Garrus nodded.

"We've cleared the way of guards." Said Drellis, who was in the best condition of all of them, knowing Shepard the least intimately. "And the other researchers are too scared to come out of hiding."

Kaidan didn't reply. He merely hugged Shepard's body against him and stood, Tali and Garrus steadying him on his feet. His body steeled against the feel of her cooling skin. Where blood had flowed so hot and spirited was now the desolate smoothness of a shell. But not a person.

The others followed him, two always staying ahead to make sure there was no resistance, but it didn't even look like anyone had tried to stop Wrex. In the journey across the compound, all of them would return to the lieutenant, offering to carry Shepard's body. He always refused, but they stayed close to him, sharing in his pain. But none of them truly understood his loss.

They followed; but he had never felt so completely alone.


	23. Without You

**Chapter XXIII: Without You**

"_Without you, the hand gropes,_

_The ear hears, the pulse beats._

_Without you, the eyes gaze,_

_The legs walk, the lungs breathe._

_The mind churns, the heart years,_

_The tears dry, without you._

_Life goes on, but I'm gone._

'_Cause I die, without you."_

-_Without You_, from RENT

**Kaidan**

_Thud. Thud. _The boots hit the deck with a hardness and weight previously unknown to the cold floor.

Kaidan stood in his armor outside of medbay back on the _Normandy_, numb and empty. His arms felt loose and detached from his body, mourning their own loss of the familiar weight that they had so readily carried.

Now the only thing left was for Chakwas to officially pronounce the commander as deceased, but Kaidan didn't stay for that. He couldn't. It was too final, and his mind wanted to fight that ending.

His feet were nailed to the floor outside the doors, his legs too heavy to move without consciously thinking about it. Instead he stared at the floor, his mind slowing –decommissioning in its own sense of denial. A jagged cough pierced his veil of fog and he lifted his head wearily.

The mess hall was buried in people.

There had been no talking, no movement to announce this presence, but still blue uniformed humans lined the hallways and walls, standing silently in small groups. They packed themselves in, sitting on chairs and tables, eyes watching him with intense and concerned expressions, searching his own face for the answers to a thousand questions without uttering word.

Kaidan drew in a breath to steady himself, but it came with shaky difficulty. How could he comfort them? What could he say when he could not even make himself admit the truth?

Would they accuse him? Would that be any worse than if they didn't? If they scorned him for his selfishness or shunned him in a sense of betrayal could he blame them? He probably would do as much to himself if he wasn't trapped inside his own body.

His armor was darkened with Shepard's dried blood, and he felt an overwhelming rush to tear it off, as if the red were writing, evidence that he was at fault.

He looked into their faces, their eyes -the spirit and the _Normandy_- and saw no spite, no anger. But surely they must all suspect. If Shepard were still even the slightest bit alive, he would be in medlab, along with at least half the ground team.

There was a whirring of the elevator doors and Jones and Sarah emerged in their uniforms at the back of the congregation, glancing over the heads to see the subject of the crowd's attention.

Kaidan imagined the aliens were most likely together, seeking solace away from the human organization. He could almost picture them standing in the dark of the cargo bay, saying nothing and letting the bond of being non-Alliance comfort each other. Would they stay now? They had no loyalties to him. They stayed because of Shepard, the hope she brought. Did _he_ have the fire to lead them?

He drew in another unstable breath as the answer immediately slid across his mind.

With sympathetic eyes, Sarah broke the eerie silence, quietly excusing herself through the small sea of camouflage to his side. He didn't ask questions but let her tug his hand, leading him away from the doors.

"Brothers and sisters," He finally said as Sarah began pulling on his arm. She stopped and waited patiently. "We are-" He broke off and coughed to get the roughness and raw edge out of his voice. He needed to be strong for the crew. "The galaxy is a little less bright today."

Waves rippled over the surface of the sea as people moved uncomfortably, looking for a fitting way to react. Kaidan made himself continue speaking. He used every ion of energy he had left to keep his voice from breaking. He couldn't make himself sound inspiring, not like Shepard could. But he could be straightforward. "There is a time for mourning. And that time is now. Today, this week, remember the woman who made you feel like you could save the whole galaxy. Because we still have to. It's just going to be a little harder."

There was a hum as people searched for words, all making noise but saying nothing.

"Commander Shepard was very proud of us. It's time we earned it." He felt the last string of composure strain and he kept his mouth shut, knowing it would give him away if he let his voice be heard for too much longer. "No unnecessary work today." He ended. "Prepare yourselves. Too soon you'll be expected to put this all behind you."

There was murmur of discomfort amid the group, but Kaidan didn't pick up any of it. Sarah gave him a small and sad smile. The miniscule lift of her lips did not reach her red-rimmed brown eyes, but she tried. She would stay. Kaidan felt it. She would not ask to be reassigned. She was family to the _Normandy_ now and this was her home. Away from the voices he pulled her into a hug, the young teen tentatively squeezing back comfortingly.

"I have to get out of here for a moment." He admitted in a whisper.

"Go get changed." Sarah said to him gently. "Jones and I will make sure the news has been received as easily as possible. No one is going to blame you for… taking a few minutes to yourself."

Kaidan nodded and thanked her quietly. But he didn't head to his locker. He took a turn for Shepard's quarters.

* * *

Kaidan shelled his armor off slowly, tiredly letting the pieces drop to the floor. He mechanically walked to the closet, knowing that he had a spare uniform to the far right. He almost smiled as he fondly remembered its reason for being there.

Maybe it was _that_ that finally broke the weak defenses he had built inside his mind. His chest shuddered and he dropped himself onto the bed, feeling a familiar sting to his eyes as Shepard's scent plumed around him and filled his nostrils. In a few days, even this scent would be gone. He buried his face in a pillow and screamed the pitiful cry he had tried so hard to restrain. This was the one hour he would allow himself. A few moments of absolute defeat he would suffer through before forcing himself inadequately into Shepard's place.

For all the hurt, and stress, and sheer sorrow he had felt in the last few days he finally let himself breakdown. Here in the solitude of the first and last place they had made love. He cut himself off from the universe outside the metal plated doors and was lost in a plane of self remorse. _His_ world would end after these tears. These moments would mark the last of any thoughts he would have for himself. He had no desire and even less real availability to care about himself anymore. Now he would have to live for everyone else. Not just out of necessity but for self defense. No more wishing for one more moment with her, one more night, one more morning, one more lecture, or even one more argument. No more focus on his needs, his wants, _that_ would only hurt him.

There were others who needed him alive. Needed his knowledge, needed his leadership, as much as he didn't really want the role. And for _her_ he would step up to the challenge. But only for her. For them.

But never for him. He would do everything in his power to save this civilization, but not for him. It was as if Shepard had painted the word yellow and there were no way to reverse it. Things could not be the same.

Maybe that would make him right for the job? No more fear of death. After all, if Ashley had been right, death may be the only place he could seek the solace of holding Shepard again. Or in his dreams.

When his throat hurt too much to warrant another vocal protest he pulled his face out of her pillow, finding the linen wet and warm with tears. He dried his face and curled up holding on for the last time to the memories connected with the sweet cleanliness of her smell.

It took minutes before his breathing steadied and exhaustion overcame him. The need to escape into sleep lay heavily on his lids, but the nagging pull in the back of his mind- the soldier that the world had created in him- prodded at him to begin preparing himself for the new life.

Slowly, methodically his brain began replicating the barriers he had built to shield himself from migraine, this time locking away every feeling and memory that could weaken him in his time of duty. It was hardly a way to live, Shepard would tell him. But then again, if she were here it wouldn't matter.

There were a few painful stitches as the bundle of memories sewed themselves into closed quarters, and a resounding clang of loss as the key turned in the door containing them and then evaporated forever. And the person known as 'Tenderfoot' gasped his last breath.

* * *

Soon his mind was blank again, seeking comfort in the cool denial and resilience of thought. He was dressed and booted again before he let himself think about what his next step would be.

His responsibilities… notification. There was a lot riding on Shepard, a lot of people to alert.

But what would he say? He might as well be a harbinger of doom himself if he were to inform the council that their most valuable agent no longer existed. And what about the captain? Anderson had been like a father to Shepard, what could Kaidan say to the only sense of family Shepard had? How would he begin to explain…?

"Lieutenant?"

Joker's voice was in a condition Kaidan had never learned to recognize. He had to wait a moment before he realized who it was.

"Yes, Joker?"

"You're needed in medbay." Joker said brokenly.

As expected the automatic reaction to feel grief was met with stern metal walls of conscious resistance.

"I'll be right there."

* * *

"Doctor Chakwas?" He asked, stepping through the doors of the west wing. He automatically began taking in his surroundings. Tali and Garrus were there, standing a few feet away from the table on which Shepard lay out of armor, wrapped in some kind of thin material for decency.

"It's okay, Lieutenant. Come in. I want to show you something."

He stepped closer, trying not to look too hard. The doctor began moving Shepard's arm, bending it at the elbow. "How long would you say the trip here was?"

"I'm not sure." He answered robotically. He hadn't remembered much of the journey either way. "About an hour?"

Chackwas didn't move. In fact, she scarcely showed any indication of having heard him.

"Why?"

"Just curious. It just, so far I haven't found any signs of rigor."

"Meaning?" Kaidan pressed.

"Well, technically rigor doesn't take effect for at least three hours, so really it doesn't mean anything. Yet. Still, after an hour, there are other signs."

"I fail to see where this is going." Kaidan said uncomfortably.

Dr. Chakwas paused to look at him with empathy, understanding his frustration wasn't directly aimed at her. "Typically, as I'm sure you know, on average the body temperature on a deceased person decreases roughly 1.5 degrees Fahrenheit every hour after death."

"Yes."

"The commander has only dropped about 0.3."

Somewhere inside him Tenderfoot twitched. Just once. Kaidan was quick to mentally hit him in the head again with a bat to make sure the poor bastard didn't get uppity. "She mentioned once that her unit on Akuze had been in one of the batches to receive gene therapy, like blood cell enhancements. Could that maybe slow the process?"

"Maybe." Chakwas conceded. "But… well, come and see this." Chakwas said, clicking through a screen next to the examination table.

The edge in her voice drew him forward, though he pointedly refused to look at Shepard.

_Correction: Shepard's body_.

He stood just behind the doctor, leaning in to examine whatever it was she was pointing at.

"Well, I ran the regular diagnostic required before the final pronouncement, but look at this." She pointed a gloved finger at a line on the interface. It was a thin line. She followed it with her fingertip across the rotating screen, and it remained inactive for the longest time until…

It _moved_. It was a tiny blip, could've been a mistake. It was barely there, hardly worth noticing. But then, at equal distance, after another long inactive time that made Alenko start to wonder if it _had_ been a mistake, it happened again.

After the second time it was race to see which side of him would react first. "What is it?"

The doctor turned to him carefully. "That's a heartbeat, lieutenant. The slowest and weakest I've ever seen in a live person, but it _does_ mean that I can't say she's dead."

"I don't understand." He said, stepping away. He finally looked at the face of the woman on the table. This time he couldn't beat the moronic hopeful side back into its cage.

"Her heart's still going, but it shouldn't be. Same as her lungs, they are inflating, she _is_ technically _breathing_. But the breaths are so slow, so impossibly weak that she shouldn't be surviving on it. They aren't really even perceptible without the equipment I have here. I doubt even her pulse is strong enough for detection to the fingertip."

His strong detached side was new, and still a little weak. But it still shouldn't have been so easy for the lieutenant to lose himself to old habits. Kaidan moved slowly back to the other side of the commander keeping his heart from expecting too much. It was confused and befuddled and drained, slow to respond. He ran his hand over her forehead. The blood had been wiped out of the way, but not cleaned yet.

"What does it mean?" He asked carefully, trying to beat back the minuscule spark of hope.

"That's the thing." Chakwas said. She sighed frustratingly, like she was angry with herself for not having all the answers. "I'm not sure. I'm running a deeper diagnostics now. There are two possible explanations. She's either dying, or precious few moments from it, or else there's some other factor we don't know about yet. The human body is naturally self preserving, it may be running on as low of systems as possible in place of something else that is requiring too much of it. It's why we humans shut down and sleep for a long time when we are sick. It's the body's mode of recovery, and hers is using so much that this state of almost-death is all it can achieve."

"Go back to that other thing." Kaidan said quickly, his mind trying to force itself to attention. "That thing about something else going on in the body that requires energy?"

Chakwas nodded. "Well yes, that's why I need to talk to you. I need to know what happened. Now, after I dicovered that part of her is fighting..." Chakwas stepped away from her computer to another monitor around the side, fingers daintily pushing a few commands into the smaller keyboard. "I began a more involved test. Now look at this…" Kaidan left the side of the cot and went to where Chakwas stood, pointing at a section of monitor.

This looked similar to the one marking the commander's heart rate, but the lines that had been hardly noticeable were now covering the entire spectrum, back and forth like children's scribbles, more dark lines coloring the page than light emptiness.

"What is…?"

"Brain waves." Chakwas explained. "And they're off the scale. I can't be sure, but it's my guess as to the reason she hasn't completely shut down yet."

"So, this amount of activity isn't normal?"

"It shouldn't be _possible_." Chakwas corrected. "Not by human standards. That's what has me thinking. I wish I had put the commander on monitors like these when she had that exchange with the beacon. As it is, we had no reason to delve that deep then; she was just unconscious."

_Yeah, I remember._ Kaidan thought about reminding the doc, but instead he tried to reel in the unnecessary hostility.

"Miss Nar' Ryyah brought me this." Chakwas walked to the next cot over. A silver washtub sat on top of the metal, a reddish brown liquid filled halfway to the top. The doctor secured the glove of her right hand and reached in, pulling out the artifact recovered from Jaynen.

Kaidan's throat tightened as the reddish water- which he now recognized as a much diluted sample of Shepard blood- slid down the unworldly material.

"I need to know what happened." Chakwas said slowly, wrapping a medical cloth around it and wiping it dry.

"I wish I knew." Kaidan said, glancing back to Shepard. "Once it had touched her blood something strange happened, like a light but it was around both her and that _thing_." He pointed. "Right before… Well, right before I thought she had died she was complaining about an extreme headache. The pain affected her pretty badly, her whole body…" He drifted off, hearing the screams in his head again, the shuddering of her form in his arms.

"Do we know anything about the function of this?" Chackwas asked, carefully setting it down on the table.

_Rahna._

"Well… the woman who did this, she had been exposed too. Years ago. She said it did something to her head, but she couldn't describe it. But she didn't _die_. As a matter of fact she was the opposite. She was violent and aggressive. Insane enough to kill and not even know it."

On the other side of the room the two aliens were breathing deeply, hearing for the first time what had happened. Kaidan had almost forgotten they were there. He nodded to them, and as if it were permission they came closer to where he and the doctor were trekking between the cots.

"When Shepard went under, Polaris claimed that this particular reaction wasn't supposed to happen. She didn't know how to fix it."

"What if Polaris's reaction was a result of not understanding it?" Garrus cut in, raising his scrutinizing eyes from the half circle. "Lieutenant, the commander has the cipher. If this thing is prothean, then Shepard's brain might be able to process it. It would explain why another human brain could not handle it, and why Shepard's is going so crazy- if you pardon the figure of speech."

"That's a pretty big assumption." Tali said. "What's to understand I wonder?"

"Is that even good news?" The doctor thought aloud. "Polaris's inability to understand may have saved her. Consider for a moment that we pass out during intense bodily pain. It's the brain's self defense mechanism. This is even more frequent amid biotics. For Polaris it would be like safe boxing the body so images in the brain can't do any physical harm to its member. Like ancient China isolating itself from the rest of the world to protect itself from corruption, only that the brain is the corruptor, and knows it, and so is setting up the barrier on itself.

"But how does this relate to the commander? Are you suggesting that her body is trying this technique?" Garrus asked.

"On the contrary Mr. Vakarian, I am suggesting that if Shepard's brain _is_ trying to decipher the information, she's not protecting herself from it. And it could do permanent damage to her cerebrum. Especially at the rates this data is showing. Whatever is going on in there… Well, frankly it could destroy her."

Kaidan and his companions looked at the doctor, trying to hide their reaction to her morbid theory.

"This is all speculation of course." Chakwas offered to their concerned expressions. "We don't even know if that has anything to do with this."

Kaidan looked back at Shepard. "If anyone can get through this, Shepard can." She was so still. He wished he could just see her chest rise. Just once.

"Kaidan." The kind doctor's voice pulled him back. The use of his first name instead of the habitual rank was laced with gentleness. "You have to understand that there is a chance we're reading too much into this. Nothing about her condition would have changed if our theory were right or if she were actually dying. Even if we are right, there's no reason to believe that she'd come back. Or if she did- that she'd recover."

"I understand." Alenko replied quietly. Still, the hope in his heart was too large now to suppress.

"So now can only wait to see if she wakes up." Garrus said.

"Or wait to see if she doesn't." Tali added worriedly.

* * *

"_Look out!" _

_Kaidan was pushed with impressive force into cover by his commander, her hand clenching his shoulder with enough power for him to feel it through his armor. They both slid behind the rock barrier conveniently placed between them and the advancing attack drones. _

_The commander slammed her back against the hard stone and he mimicked her, panting heavily. _

"_Thanks." He told her, flipping to his omnitool. As quickly as he could accurately move his fingers he released a frequency that should keep the drones immobile. At least until they could catch their breath. There was a whine as the metal of the robots shorted out momentarily. _

_His commander groaned next to him and he turned to see her remove her helmet, a large crack showing to have split right down the top of it. _

"_Damn it." She said tossing the useless thing aside. "I told the captain I had my own gear, but noooo, 'it's a shakedown run, wear your N7 uniform for presentation'... Piece of shit." She wiped away sweat with an armored hand. "The uniform, not Captain Anderson."_

_Lieutenant Alenko smiled, but the unfamiliar lift to his mouth was foreign enough to make him second guess himself. _

_Silently scolding himself for admiring his commander's profile in the absence of her helmet, he returned his attention to his omnitool to prepare for his next strike. He was almost disgusted with himself for the momentary allowance. It was inappropriate, and now definitely wasn't the time to notice the 'finer' details the 'weapon of mass destruction' that was the renowned Commander Shepard. She was smart, and if she were fast enough she'd see right through him. _

_Still, he anxiously glanced at her through his peripheral, and with startled realization discovered she was staring at him as well. _

"_What?" He probed, trying to not get distracted by her eyes. Or lips… or –_Wake up, Alenko! _His mind shouted. _She'd kick your ass faster than you could remove your foot from your mouth!

_It was then he realized she was looking at his face. Or rather, the visor in front of it. _

_"Oh_, _I'm sorry, Commander." He said, realizing his mistake and rather feeling like an idiot for it. "Here." He began to remove his own helmet to hand it to her._

_Without warning she grabbed both sides of his helmet so fast it made his breath catch with shock. "Don't be stupid." She warned. "Keep it. I'll be fine."_

Don't be stupid._ He repeated to himself when he realized how close her face was to his. _

_She easily moved away again though as if she hadn't noticed he'd stopped breathing. _

"_I was just noticing I hadn't seen you smile before, Mr. Alenko." She said casually, replacing her shotgun to its hardpoint on her back and reaching for her pistol. She wasn't looking at him anymore. _

_Fighting the pull she seemed to have on him, inside his mind he began counting seconds to when the drones should be warming up again. _

"_Ma'am?" He pressed as nonchalantly as possible._

_In skilled time Shepard checked the power cells left in her gun. "It's good..." She explained. "To smile. We're soldiers, Lieutenant. But being only a few steps ahead of death doesn't mean we aren't alive, or shouldn't _enjoy_ being alive. Smiling makes us human, makes us people." Her eyes darted to the direction they'd come from, maybe a four hundred meter away from where they'd lost the corporal. It was so fast Alenko almost hadn't caught it. At least he wouldn't have had her eyes not been so vividly colored. "Sometimes smiles are all we have." She finished. Then as if to prove her point she looked up and smiled brilliantly to him._

_The overloading sensation to his sight brought the rest of his senses to his heightened states of awareness, and just somewhere behind him he heard the pre-whir of a firing weapon._

_Had he not been watching the commander so intently, he may not have noticed that the top of her head was barely above cover. Without thought he lashed his arm around her shoulder, gripped the back of her neck, and pulled her head into his chest, covering the other side of it with his other arm. There was a blast as the rock just in front of where her head _had _been chipped away violently. _

_Keeping her protected between an arm and his chest he used his free arm to unclip one of her grenades and pressed its activation key. With a second's movement he looked over edge of the rock and tossed it over. The robots had been closer than he had expected and he hunched over the commander's upper half to absorb most of the boom. _

_There was a satisfying explosion and the crash of metal. Another quick check indicated he'd been successful. Immediately he released his CO. _

_She shook her head quickly and huffed sarcastically. "Exhibit A."_

_He added a small chuckle in agreement. He leaned over and picked the pistol that had been knocked from her hands when he'd snatched her. She took it gratefully and began to haul herself up. "Thank you."_

"_It's _your_ gun." He pointed out, beginning to rise next to her._

_She chuckled a little "That's uh, not what I meant. But sure."_

Smooth, Alenko. _"Well, if it makes you feel any better, next time a rock explodes near our heads, _you_ can save _my _ass."_

"_Deal." She smiled at him again and then resumed strike stance taking a step toward the trees ahead. "Now let's go find that beacon."_

"_Right behind you, ma'am."_

* * *

"Lieutenant?"

Kaidan awoke groggily and sat up in his chair, shaking his head. "What is it?"

"I brought you your dinner. You missed rotation." Jones said, setting the tray of food on the cot behind Alenko.

"Thanks." Kaidan said, rubbing his face with one hand. "What time is it?"

"Twenty hundred, Sir."

Kaidan's eyes swept over Shepard again to see if there had been any change. There hadn't. She was in the exact same position she had been laid in when he and Chakwas had finished cleaning her up and had dressed her in a loose uniform. The table had been arranged just so that Shepard was upright, but she still wasn't breathing deeply enough to cause any movement to her torso. Tali had retrieved some of the blankets not yet stored away from the quarians' visit and brought them to the lab for Shepard, saving one for the lieutenant. In fact, Tali and Jones were the only members of the crew who had not suggested he should hit a sleeping pod.

"Maybe you should get some rest, Sir."

Scratch that.

"I was before you'd interrupted." Kaidan said, trying to smile so Jones would know it wasn't meant in spite.

There was a quiet moment as Kaidan grabbed his meal and sat back down with it, letting his gaze return to Shepard.

"How is she?" Jones asked quietly.

Kaidan sighed between bites. "I really don't know."

He let his mind wander once again to the dream, or rather memory he'd been envisioning before he awoke. He hadn't thought of that particular conversation for awhile. Strange that the next time a rock _had_ gone exploding near their heads it had been the beacon. And Shepad _had_ saved his ass. Funny that he didn't remember that. He supposed his own guilt over activating the thing came into play somwhere...

Since discovering that there might be the tiniest bit of hope left, the door he'd carefully closed and sealed in his mind had blasted open, and he'd been recalling a lot since he'd taken vigil next Shepard. The memories plagued him both in sleep and out of it. Not all of them romantic, though they frequently were. Some were just of him and her talking. Sometimes on the ship, on Ondalium, in their apartment, in the middle of missions. But they were just snippets of conversation. It seemed so mundane compared to some of the images his brain might've chosen, but there was comfort and sweetness just in those talks. The sound of her voice, the principles behind her ideas… it was all about the fact that she _existed_. And how could he really have expected himself to be able to let any of that go?

"How is the crew?" Kaidan finally asked.

Jones sighed deeply and snagged a nearby crate to sit on. "Worried. They're battling their urges to check in on their breaks and see if you're doing okay."

"They should be more concerned with the commander."

"Well, they are, Sir. It's just… they have a lot of faith in Commander Shepard. And they understand that there is nothing they could do better than you could to make her more comfortable. But you don't come out for meals, you haven't really talked to anyone, and you're obviously sleep deprived."

"We're marines, Jones. This is a cakewalk." Kaidan said, chewing thoughtfully. "Besides… in comparison to what Shepard's going through, all of those things are rather trivial don't you think?"

Franklin nodded slowly. "I suppose so." Then he let out a little huff of laughter. "You better watch out, I think the krogan intends to make good on his promise."

"Of course he does." Kaidan smiled to himself. "How are the others? Tali and Garrus? Drellis restless yet?"

Jones shook his head. "No, sir. Drellis is worried too, in his own way. Mostly he keeps Vakarian company. Garrus has gotten really quiet, doesn't really leave the perimeter of the mako. Sarah thinks he's hiding in it, but of course he'd never admit that."

"He's probably just running through different scenarios in his head. Trying to find something to do to help, or agonizing over what else he could have done different." Kaidan had spoken with fondness for his turian friend, and had actually almost smiled. But now a lump formed in his throat. "He probably wishes he'd never let me off the ship."

There was a pause as Kaidan considered how much he would've rather been stopped than have Shepard dead. Or in her current condition- with no real promise of recovery to her normal self. It was a treacherous game, trying to find that one point that could've changed everything.

"You have to know that no one blames you." Jones said quietly. "They all know you would've done anything in your power, including die yourself, to save her."

Kaidan didn't say anything. He brushed his fingers against his forehead, already knowing it was the truth. But he hadn't been fast enough.

Next to him, Jones began to slowly rise to his feet. "With all due respect Sir, are you sure you couldn't be convinced to go get some rest?"

"No." Kaidan admitted. "I appreciate the concern, but I'll be comfortable enough here. Besides, I won't get a wink of sleep knowing the commander might wake up without me next to her." He smiled. "She'll want to know everyone's safe first thing."

He stared a moment at the way the unfeeling light lined her face. The part he wouldn't share with Jones was the most important reason for staying. He'd promised her. _To the end and through it, Shepard._ He repeated in his head. _I'm not going anywhere._

"Yeah," Jones said. "Especially you."

Kaidan didn't acknowledge the comment. It had been said innocently enough, meant in comfort, not accusation. After a moment, Kaidan heard the whoosh of doors that announced the man's exit, and again Kaidan was left in solitude at Shepard's bedside.

He drifted off, staring at seemingly nothing on the far wall for the longest time, fully prepared to lose himself in another memory. Then something caught his eye beneath where he'd been gazing. Resting on a crate lay Shepard's torn and battered armor. She'd basically been cut out of hit, and the parts were unrecognizable for the most part. But amid the disarray of cut material something shone in the dimmed light of the room.

Kaidan stood and walked over to the ruined shell. The cut lines from Garrus's tech kit still shone with a glint of synthetic protective material, but this was different.

When he got closer he realized one of the pockets had seemingly opened in the chaos of the armor's removal, and something thin and shiny was poking out of it. Gingerly her tugged at it with two fingers until it slid out of its place and into his hand.

It took him a moment to understand what he was seeing, the sterile fluorescent lights glinted over the treated paper, and he hadn't seen a physical _picture_ in so long. But his eyes quickly adjusted and his mind took in an image he'd never been able to see from a distance. It was simply him and Shepard in Flux dancing closely and smiling, both completely unaware that they were being watched. His heart wiggled the slightest bit at them, following the lines of their bodies, trying to decipher where one began and the other started. Seeing from the outside looking in was surreal. They were almost normal, and even enviable if you recognized the look of affection plastered on their expressions.

It was then that a very surprising feeling slipped through his system.

He was glad they had the memory, and he smiled at the sweetness of it, but... he wouldn't trade anything to go back to that moment.

The truth is, that image represented a time when he didn't really know what he was getting into, how _deeply_ they really cared. In the past few weeks they had bickered, argued, and bickered again. And though that had hurt, there was a part of him now that was so much more _in love_ with her. And he hadn't known he was capable of feeling so strongly. He wouldn't have ever known had they not gone through this. This journey allowed them to get to a place that was more humbling and more powerful than they could've ever reached had Rahna not come into their lives.

Pure irony.

He ran his thumb over the faces of the photograph of the couple. They were both so clueless as to what would happen just in a few short months.

Kaidan didn't know how long he had stood there admiring the photo. He looked back at Shepard's still form, the small smile still covering his lips, fragile, but there. He briefly wondered how long Shepard had intended to hold on to it, or what her intentions had been when she had stored it away. Had she forgotten it was there? Or maybe she liked having it on her?

No. If something happened to her on a mission she wouldn't want something on her person that could lead her opponents back to anyone on the _Normandy_.

Still, he liked to think her subconscious had at least _conveniently_ missed sending her a memo.

He sighed the calmest breath of air he'd had all day and propped the picture up against her armor. He finally felt _tired_ and began shuffling to the table next to Shepard, now vacated of the clutter. After only a moment's hesitation however, Kaidan changed directions.

He took off his boots and set them neatly beside Shepard's bed before snaking an arm around her. Ever so carefully he sat her up a little farther, and gingerly slid himself behind her. Once he'd settled he pulled her back slowly, bring her to rest against him.

It was a little uncomfortable at first but he maneuvered the slightest bit to a position he could sleep in and slid his arms around her body, finding a somewhat comforting warmth to her skin.

"Please come back to me, Shepard." He said quietly, kissing her head and closing his eyes. As expected she was still and silent. But just being close to her allowed him to finally get some rest.

* * *

**Shepard**

It took Shepard about an hour just to realize that the pain and chaos had stopped. There were no more images or hurt, but still she kept her mental mouth firmly clenched, afraid that if she relaxed she would scream.

It was another long moment before her mind noted the choking blackness that blocked out all her senses. Like sleeping with your eyes open, she was only hardly aware of anything other than the impenetrable wall of dark. No sight, no smell, no ability to move. It was like being paralyzed, blindfolded and ear-plugged all at once. She got lost for who knows how long in the floating dank.

It took so long for her first states of awareness to return to her that she wasn't really sure when it was she could finally think. The first thing her kinesthesia linked to her was the distinct smell of medigel, and something else. _Someone_ familiar. Her mind tried to conjure up an image for her but failed tiredly after only a second, exhausted.

Her nerves and touch-receptors hummed sluggishly to attention and she felt stiff blankets and familiar cloth material on her skin.

And an arm. Two arms, around her. She was laying on something firm but warm. Again her consciousness tried to name these things, connect them to something she felt she should know.

Where was she?

Motion, there was movement in her chest, the inflation of lungs.

_Breathing._ Her mind told her. She felt a wave of relief, though she couldn't remember why that was such a big deal.

She lay still, exploring every piece of intuition as it came to her. She tried to recall what had happened to her before now, but only pictures of light and screams met her and she inwardly winced.

"Shepard?"

Her brain buzzed at the sudden sound. The voice, so warm, so recognizable. The name was at the tip of her metaphorical tongue.

"Sweetheart?"

_Kaidan._ She tried to call to him but her lips hadn't yet realized they could form words anymore. She focused all her energy on opening her eyes. If she could just see him…

The light of the room was painful at first, but nothing compared to what her head had recently endured. After only a moment she forgot the hurt and stared through the fogginess.

"Shepard?" She heard it again. He was behind her, around her. She tilted her head back and found warm brown eyes appraising her anxiously.

_He's okay_. It was the first thing she thought. She wasn't even sure yet if _she_ was. That seemed to be at the top of his list of priorities as well.

"Beautiful, can you say something? Are you okay? Do you understand me?"

She felt his grip tighten, it sharpened her senses, and she took in his face, apprehension on his features.

"You… are a stubborn asshole." She mumbled quietly, still feeling tired.

Relief unlike any kind she had ever witnessed flooded his face and then the expression broke into a wide smile. She felt him fully laugh beneath her, the genuine sound filling the room. He squeezed her and she found herself easily flipped on to her stomach against him while he hugged her, kissing her head over and over. She groaned a little at the movement, uncomfortable with the fact that she hadn't been able to manage her own actions yet, but she let him anyway. Not like she could stop him if she wanted to.

"Thank god you're okay." Kaidan said, slowing down to kissing her forehead. The joy was still in his voice, though it sunk in the weight of what he surely must've thought had happened to her. "I was so… sure I'd lost you."

Beneath her she felt the shudder of a recovering breath and she used what strength she could to hold him too, to let him feel her and know she was real, as she had wanted on Syba, as she would've wanted had their roles been reversed.

"I'm okay." She assured him, closing her eyes. She honestly felt like she could sleep with the dead for fourteen hours straight, but she didn't want to frighten him by drifting off again. "Are the others…?" She started.

"They're fine. We're back on the _Normandy_. En route to the Citadel. Everyone is okay." There was a smile in his voice, like he was sharing some kind of inside joke with her question. "How do you feel?"

"Tired." She answered. "So much in my head…"

"We can talk about that after you get some real rest." Kaidan interjected. The sound of his voice resonated through his chest into her ears and hummed her into placidity. She didn't have the energy to argue, even if she could've justified needing to debrief immediately. "You can go back to sleep. But I'm going to go get the Doc so she can get some more monitors on you, okay? So she can double check everything is really alright..."

Shepard nodded sleepily, feeling the darkness return to her again. This time it was warm, welcoming. She sighed. Kaidan sat her up a little bit as he nudged himself out of the makeshift bed, and then he lay her back down on the table. She snuggled into the warmth his body had left.

"Shepard?"

"Hmmm."

She felt soft lips on her forehead again. A hand ran over her hair. "I love you."

She smiled, not opening her eyes. "I love you too, Kaidan."

The hand reluctantly left her and she drifted into the waiting calm.


	24. Fall For You

**Chapter XXIV: Fall for You**

"_This is not what I intended._

_I always swore to you I'd never fall apart._

_You always thought that I was stronger, _

_I may have failed but I have loved you from the start."_

-_Fall for You_, Secondhand Serenade

**Shepard**

"So let me get this straight." The asari councilor said diplomatically, making eye contact with each of her fellow three members before turning her attention to the human she was speaking to. "You think the technology you found is a weapon?"

Commander Shepard stood in the comm room of the _Normandy_, hands behind her back as she met with the council. With due respect to the latest addition of Captain Anderson, in place of the three holographic projectors the ship was now fitted with four. Somewhat of a hassle for such a cosmetic adjustment, but seeing at least one friendly face when meeting with the piranhas was well worth the credits.

It had been a good thirty two hours since the commander had woken up in the _Normandy_'s medbay, but as soon as Chakwas admitted she had found no trace of any lingering effects on Shepard's body, the commander had led an extensive debrief with her crew. Well, after being forced by the lieutenant into a long conversation with the doctor to try to determine if the problem or pain could occur again. And Chakwas had still made Shepard agree to report to the medlab for a checkup once a day, at least until they reached the Citadel.

"No." Shepard said shaking her head. "I think it _was_. Or at least, was meant to be. But only for defensive purposes. It's hard to explain."

"We are trying to understand Commander, but you are our only link to what this may mean. You need to try your hardest." The asari pressed politely.

Shepard breathed and closed her eyes. She had recounted the story so many times in the last day that she could remember the images without difficulty, and the discomfort that usually accompanied them had mellowed to a dull roar. "The images in my head weren't like the beacon. The language that accompanied the things I saw weren't prothean. But they… well, they sounded familiar. Kind of like how the Spanish language sounds in comparison to Italian. They're both forms of Latin, but are also easily different. I can find cognates to kind of go by, but there are a lot of the pieces missing. It's really just the images themselves that I am going on."

"This thing is- or _was_- a weapon, but it gave you visions?" The turian councilor asked.

"I think they were instructions." Shepard said. "It's like an ancient equivalent of a survival kit. The artifact grants you a power, and the images are to demonstrate how to use it."

"That seems a little far-fetched, Commander." The salarian commented.

Shepard reigned in her reaction. "You seemed to think that a lot of my visions were far-fetched in the past Councilor, and since then they have ended up saving a lot of lives."

_Saving your ass_, Shepard added in her head. Next to the salarian, Anderson's lips twitched upward.

"Well then why don't you tell us what you know about this power." The asari said, smoothly diverting the discord.

Shepard took a deep breath and plowed in. "It has the potential to be dangerous. The person that we've found imprinted with this power didn't understand it, and used it as you would a biotic ability. But I don't believe that was its purpose. I think the power was designed to scan and determine the presence of indoctrination."

"How do you mean?" Anderson questioned.

She turned to him, taking a strange kind of serenity in pretending she was only talking to him. "A force of light surrounds the person you are trying to investigate, and then it alerts the user to their status. The power can then purify the subject on the user's own will, draining the subject of the taint."

"How is it then that _you_ were affected so negatively?" The turian sounded suspicious, and Shepard almost bristled at the thought of how much more she would most likely have to do before he trusted her.

"I told you the woman exposed did not understand this. She was unknowingly trying to purge an indoctrination that wasn't there. At default, the ability would simply drain whatever life force it was focused on. Kind of like contingency plan built right in."

The salarian mimicked a confused shrug. "Commander, I don't understand how anyone could've built a defense to indoctrination when no one to have _witnessed_ the era of indoctrination has ever lived past the arrival of the Reapers."

The asari tilted her face to him. "The protheans on Ilos survived. Maybe they could have managed to develop this type of defense?"

"But Shepard has already admitted that she does not feel this was prothean." The turian interjected. The four looked at the commander in unison.

Shepard shook her head slowly, knowing that this would be the hardest point to argue. "Similar maybe. But no, not prothean."

"If the protheans on Ilos found a way to survive maybe so did another planet, a different race of the same cycle." Anderson suggested.

"Very few archeologists have ever found evidence of such an event. That is highly unlikely." The salarian put in.

"But they have found _some_, yes?" Shepard asked.

"Anything we've ever found like that wasn't deigned 'ancient alien', only 'not likely to be prothean'. That's not exactly convincing, Commander." The turian said.

"This is all speculation." The asari shook her head sadly. "We can't assume anything yet." Then as if remembering something the asari looked up. "Commander, were you implanted with this… ability?"

Shepard stilled. "No." She said solidly. "I suppose this artifact only had one charge to give, or perhaps there's something as simple as not having a specific genetic makeup it was designed to interact with… there are a million reasons we could guess for why I didn't gain the power. But I genuinely _feel_ like the artifact didn't transfer anything into me. Other than the instructions anyway." Shepard remembered the relief she had felt when she first saw herself in the mirror after she had woken. "Besides, there are other, more obvious, physical changes in reaction to the exchange. I've had none of these."

There was a quiet moment as all of the people in the conference postulated what this implied, or even what to do about it.

"It would seem, Commander Shepard that you have procured quite another anomaly for us." The asari finally concluded. "There may be indication of some kind of other race here, but none so solidly as to act upon. Besides the fact that there is little else to be found of any ancient civilization, we cannot act on something we cannot prove, as you understand."

Commander Shepard nodded curtly.

"Only you seem to have the apparent luck necessary to stumble into these situations. I wonder Commander, if it is efficiency on your part, or just plain recklessness." The turian scrutinized.

"The only known woman to have been implemented with this ability was a personal friend of one of my crew. That is coincidence. Some would call it luck." Shepard paused to let the council know she was confident in her work, and they wouldn't make her second guess herself, then continued.

"This woman is currently under Alliance custody. She is mentally unstable and potentially dangerous, but somewhere in there is a good person. I would like to make a request, if the council permits it."

The aliens looked at each other in that eerily silent communication that always made Shepard feel uncomfortable. To the right, Anderson inclined his head, only for a moment, in a nod- his own nonverbal speech. Either way the council ruled, she knew that he believed her. That was something.

"What is your request, Commander Shepard?" The asari finally asked.

Shepard let her arms fall from behind her back and straightened her shoulders. "The woman's name is Dr. Rahna Greene, a research scientist from the Xeno Biotics Corporation. She needs help, but she's our only way to study this power. Until she is stabilized, doing so would be a hazard to her and those examining her. I ask that the council provide her with rehabilitation and therapy with the best workers you have. It would mean postponing the study, but I feel obligated to ensure that she is not submitted to a regime that she is not ready for. I would also ask that the council not proceed with such tests without her own personal permission."

"Commander Shepard, I don't think you know what you are asking." The salarian pointed out. "As you said yourself, she is our only chance to study this. What if there is a way to duplicate the power, manifest it for others? We could prevent another mistake like what we made with Saren. There is a chance that Dr. Greene may never be ready, but her abilities could save lives."

"Forcing her into something she can't handle could cost you more." Shepard said sternly.

"We have to consider what is best for the majority." The turian said, his short temper surfacing. "If this were a member of our own race we would voluntarily and dutifully submit them for examination. I would hope to expect as much courtesy from you."

"Councilor," Shepard turned to him, keeping her face calm, "I sometimes wonder if you are actually accusing me of being a racist, or if you yourself are simply anti-humanitarian."

Anderson's lips tightened, but Shepard caught the smile in his eyes.

Again the asari stepped in. "We, as the council look only for what is the best for the most people of _all_ civilization, Commander. _That_ is why the price of what you suggest may be too steep."

"We cannot provide special privileges to anyone, human or not, even if they are friend to a member of your crew. At a time of war, we cannot afford such luxuries. We may be running out of time as it is." The salarian added.

"This 'friend' you speak of tried to kill me. Twice. That's not what this is about."

"If you had listened to orders and not shortened your _mandatory_ shore leave, she wouldn't have had the opportunity to try." The turian rebutted.

Shepard considered pointing out that Rahna had indeed sought confrontation at the commander's place of residence, and on the Citadel no less, but that argument could of gone in circles.

"And you would not have the information I am providing you with now." She countered instead. "And none of this would matter. You would be in the same position you were in a month ago, which is the exact reason why waiting a few more for Dr. Greene to recover should not be too large of a favor to ask."

There was silence as they considered what she said. It was the usual occurrence when they actually began to think about what she was saying.

"One standard month." The asari finalized. "That is all we can allow. We can promise that no one will approach Rahna Greene about studies until the month is completed. We will also request her permission." The asari looked down on Shepard with regal authority. It was strange that perhaps the most diplomatic of the council also seemed the most powerful. "_However_, we reserve the right to ultimately subject her should such events occur as to warn us of further Reaper development or progress."

Shepard nodded, knowing full well that was all she was going to get. Still, it bought them all a little time. And it did increase the chances of Rahna wanting to help if she had time to cool down first. "Thank you, Councilor."

"Now, if you'll excuse us, we have other business to attend to."

"Of course." Shepard inclined her head respectfully, ignoring the still aching muscles that whined through her neck and back. One by one the councilors ended their projections until only Anderson was left. He didn't say anything, but let a tiny smile lined his lips. Shepard offered him a small smile and a sharp salute to which he nodded appreciatively before cutting his side of the link.

Shepard was still grinning to herself when the _Normandy_'s communications system blipped out, feeling as she always did after talking to the council. Accomplished, but frustrated by the flexibility it has taken to get there.

* * *

Shepard knew unquestionably that she would spend that night with Kaidan. It seemed an unspoken agreement between them to be together after all they'd been through. They'd been so emotionally exhausted that day, barely speaking, hardly believing they'd both survived, that it was with autopilot that they finished their duties, always working within calling distance of each other until the hour came that they could steal a few hours to just _be_. And after all was said and done, Shepard finally got the one thing she had begun to fear she'd never have again after this mission.

By the time she was ready to retire to her quarters skeleton crew had already settled in. She entered her room to find her lieutenant already there, boots kicked off and sleeping on top of the covers. The way he lay on his back suggested he hadn't meant to fall asleep, but it also testified to the lack of rest he had gotten while she'd been in medbay. She couldn't help but feel comforted by his sleeping form. She locked her door, in turn shushing the rest of the galaxy before she slowly, and sorely, untied her own boots and then crawled up next to him, unsure of how to wake him, or even if she wanted to. After all he'd been through…

_All I put him through..._ her conscience corrected.

Her smile faltered in the dark. Lying next to him on her side, she instinctively brushed her fingers over his forehead and into his hairline. He was so precious to her, so inexplicably special…

If possible in his sleep he seemed more at peace when she touched him, so she combed her fingers with loving strokes, a kind of tranquility starting to stretch itself from him to her.

But it didn't touch the pit of guilt that had burrowed itself into her stomach. She had convinced herself that he had been the one at fault, that he had needed to trust her, and that she had been doing the right thing.

But _he_ had been right. She'd treated him like a child and she was ashamed of it. In his position, she had to admit that she would've acted the same. And it took her one too-near death experience to realize all the ways she'd been wrong.

And he had won without even knowing it.

Despite all her precautions, all the walls she'd built to protect him, in those few instances when she wasn't sure she could withstand Rahna's torture any longer, instead of feeling triumphant as she had planned that Rahna might actually kill her bargaining chip before it could be used against him, Shepard had, in the most intense moments of pain, felt extreme mourning that she would never see her lieutenant again, and would've been willing to do almost anything just to see his face one last time.

And then, in those last few minutes that she did remember of Jaynen, instead of worrying about what this would mean to the Alliance, the council, even her own crew… she could only think of all the things she had wanted to have with Kaidan and wouldn't. She thought of all the times he'd wanted to hold her, or be with her and hadn't because he'd been afraid of crossing some line that they both imagined lie between them.

And there was no way even now to make it up to him. Not truly.

"Shepard?"

She was instantly tugged out of her thoughts by the sound of his voice. She found that his eyes, still a little sleepy, were watching her face.

"Hey." She said softly. She let her fingertips trail from his hair to follow the line of his brow and then down his cheek, along his chin. "I'm sorry. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to wake you." She whispered.

"No." Kaidan said softly after a moment, nuzzling her face with his own. "I'm glad you did." He closed the gap between them and then wrapped his arms around her so tight there was no more room to snuggle into, but she tried anyway.

She wasn't really sure what she could say. After all they'd been through she couldn't open a conversation about just anything. But, as usual he seemed to know what she needed, and allowed them enough space to kiss comfortably for a few minutes. She met his lips with relief, warmth, and security, letting herself indulge in his taste. For days she had dreamed about this moment. She had hoped so strongly that she would see a time after the mission was over that they would both be okay, and together. The feel of his dark hair though her fingers was reward for her choices up to this point. The fact that he loved her, after all she had done…

Kaidan gently rolled them the slightest bit so that she lie on her back and he were half leaning on top of her. He cradled her head in one hand, relieving some of the stress of her sore neck. "I'm so glad you're okay."

His low voice rumbled through his chest and into hers and her lips pulled up in a smile. She opened her eyes and saw his own flit back up to her face. But he wasn't smiling. In fact, he seemed a little frustrated.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just…" He began, his brow furrowing. "It sounds so inadequate to say it like that. I'd never been so _scared_ in my entire life. But there aren't any words to describe…" He drifted off, and his eyes got a little glossier. She was terrified for a moment that he might cry, and that was the last thing she wanted to see.

"Kaidan…" She tried to comfort him. She framed his face in her hands and ran her thumb across his cheek. "I know…"

"I didn't." He said, his voice getting rough. "I didn't know. I told you all those months ago, before Ilos that I couldn't stand the thought of losing you… but I was an idiot back then to believe that I could actually imagine what it would feel like to not have you in my life."

"Kaidan-"

"Let me finish." He interrupted. "I didn't tell you I loved you until it was almost too late and I don't want to make that mistake again. There's more I want you to hear. Now. While I can still sharply remember the regret I felt after I thought you'd died."

That shushed her up good. She was immobilized by the way he looked at her.

"I should've told you every day from the moment I saw you what you meant to me. I have _always_ loved you. I'd like to claim that I was responsible enough to pretend I wasn't attracted to you so immediately, but it would be a lie. And it was more than that. The first time I saw you… there was a part of me that knew I wouldn't be the same. And I know it sounds ridiculous, but it seems so obvious to me now that even then I was doomed to love you, even if you never felt the same way. When I thought you were gone…" He drew in a breath. "I finally understood that I could never be the same as I was before I'd met you.

"I guess, what I'm trying to say is… For better or worse, I'm in this for the long haul, Shepard. Wherever we go, however we die, I'm yours. I don't know any other way to be. And I know you made your choices these last few weeks because you were afraid of losing me, but… can't you see that it's impossible? I know now that there's nothing we can't handle, together. It's when we are separated that we're vulnerable. And I have no intentions of ever letting you go.

"It's always been you, Shepard." He finished, eyes glistening.

Shepard opened her mouth to reply but all that came out was a wet gargle from all the water she'd been swallowing in an attempt to keep it from leaking from her lids. He didn't show any signs of really expecting her to say anything, but of course, that was just Kaidan. Giving and not expecting the same from her.

"Oh, Kaidan. How?" She finally managed, though she felt oddly ineloquent and uncharacteristically inarticulate. "I did so much to hurt you, and you were right. About everything. I was selfish and unfair."

"You were human."

She ran her hands from his chest to his upper arms, where she could actually feel his skin. "I don't deserve you. And _you_ deserve better. The whole package. You belong in a gilded picture frame with a beautiful wife, who would, right now, be safely at home taking care of your remarkable children, waiting for you to come back from tour and spending every day writing to you…" Shepard got choked up somewhere in the description of children, knowing full well that he _did_ deserve all that. And she would never be able to give it to him.

He shook his head and hugged her closer. "I want_ you_."

"But Kaidan-"

"Yes, sometimes it will be hard." He said. "And yes, we have a very unique situation. We may have to work at this every single day. But I want to do that because I love you. And I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you, if you'll let me."

She wasn't sure how to respond. Unlike him, when she was overcome with emotion she actually lost words, not found them. And he seemed to find the words best when he _was_ overcome. As always, he understood and took matters into his own hands. He kissed her lips and then detoured into a line of fire along her jaw and down her neck.

"The rest of our lives may not be long." She finally said into the air above them. Somewhere in the back of her mind was the elaborate theory that was supposed to come with that line, the thing that was supposed to help it make sense, but it was lost all too easily amid the body language between them.

"Then we don't really have time to waste, now do we?" The suggestion in his voice was prominent, but not yet nearly capable of competing with the power behind his kisses. "And if, for once, you'd just shut up and stop _arguing_ with me…"

She grinned, losing focus as she always did while intoxicated by him. "I wasn't arguing, I just-"

"You were. You are _still_." He murmured into her skin.

"I am not-"

He growled and she shuddered as the sound ran through her. "Shush." He said.

She took his face in her hands and directed him back to her lips and kissed his scar. "Things are going to get boring around here if I agree with you on everything." She teased.

He froze his movements and looked at her with amusement in his eyes. Then he glanced down at their intertwined bodies and she followed his gaze, seeing his point almost immediately. He raised an eyebrow at her. "If boring means _this_ every time we agree on something, you may never have to argue with me again."

She laughed, and soon it was met with his own chuckle.

"I love you, Shepard."

She may have blushed, but only because she knew there was no hiding the deviousness in her smirk. Her muscles stretched and whined, but she welcomed it now, letting them warm up.

"I _agree_." She snaked her arms around his neck and pulled herself up so that her lips brushed against his ear. "Love me, Kaidan."

He did. Twice. And then kept her safe and protected in his arms from the big bad reality outside her plated doors while she slept as contentedly as if it were the last time she would fall asleep with him. After all, the driving force behind the intensity of their relationship was in this truth: That someday, it might be.

* * *

**Kaidan**

"Joker. Can I talk to you?" Kaidan slid into the copilot's chair without waiting for a reply.

Joker looked at him sideways. "Are you seriously asking me that question or are you only pretending to care about my answer?"

"Joker…" Kaidan huffed.

"Alright, alright. You can _try_. But I'm warning you, at this early hour I can only guarantee about five minutes of my full attention."

Kaidan leaned back in his chair and looked out the observatory window. It was hard to really see the difference between morning and evening. And he missed the sun. But as always, the stars were beautiful and he never got really sick of seeing them.

"So are you really gonna talk or do I get to charge by the hour?" Joker pressed.

"Well, it's kind of a serious topic." Kaidan replied. He pulled his gaze from the window and considered his companion for a moment. There was no simple way to bring this up. But he needed to tell someone, and Joker was his closest friend on the _Normandy. _Kaidan took a deep breath and reached into his pants pocket, groping the shiny small case he had hidden inside. Joker didn't look at him, but he slid the little box across the console between them and it bumped into the pilot's arm.

Joker glanced at it for a moment and then returned to surveying his control panel.

And then he slowly panned back as if just realizing what he'd seen. "But… it's not my birthday." He jested. But the usual teasing part of his voice was mixed with curiosity.

"Open it." Kaidan instructed, bracing himself for the pilot's reaction.

Joker took his hands off his monitor and lifted the lid of the case, freezing slightly when he looked at the ring inside.

Kaidan searched his friend's face. "Well?"

"Jesus, Alenko, is this for real?" Joker looked seriously from the ring to Kaidan with an eyebrow raised. The lieutenant smiled.

"I think I'm going to do it, Jeff. I'm going to ask Shepard to marry me." The adrenaline rushed through his veins every time he said it to himself. Now as he said it aloud, Kaidan felt anticipation and excitement light up his nerve system like a freaking Christmas tree.

"When did you get this?" Joker asked.

"The day after I'd called you freaking out about Shepard inadvertently bringing it up while under the kronots toxin. I spent _hours_ looking for the right one. I had to go track down Chinese food just so I had an excuse for taking so long. After hearing Shepard say my name, and talking to you about whether we were really that close, I realized it was what I wanted. And now, I can't settle for anything less."

"Jesus…" Joker closed the lid and handed it back to him. Kaidan gripped the box tightly and ran his thumb over the lid, a million thoughts reflected in the shiny exterior.

"I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. I thought I'd ask her on one of our nightly walks through the wards, maybe on the nebula observation platform. But then this whole thing happened…"

"Whoa." Joker whispered. He returned his hands to his sensor screen and looked straight ahead.

It made Kaidan feel nervous. "Is that all you have to say?"

"It's kind of a big thing to spring on someone this early in the morning, Alenko. You certainly put more thought into it than me." Joker said light-heartedly.

"Well, I hope Shepard's reaction is better than yours." Kaidan grumbled.

Joker smiled. "Well, what? You want me to jump up and down and shout 'yes'!? 'Cause I've got to say, if that were the case, my broken legs would be the least of your dilemmas." Joker pretended to be checking one of his instruments intently for a minute before speaking again. "It's just, are you sure this is a good time?"

Kaidan sighed to himself. He asked himself the same question before he'd even bought the ring. "Will there ever be a better one? Think about it, best case scenario we discover there isn't another way into dark space, and we've already won. We return to relatively normal missions, Shepard resumes her spectre work, things get back to routine… And as long as we're stationed on the _Normandy_ we go where she goes. Just enough excitement to keep us lively, not too much to kill us. If that's our life than there's no reason why we shouldn't."

Joker continued to look at his monitor as he spoke, as if not wanting to see Alenko's face if he heard something he didn't want to. "And worst case scenario? The Reapers return, and things get harder than ever…?"

"Then there's never going to be a better time." Kaidan said decidedly. This was the part he was most sure of. "If there's anything I've learned these last few weeks it's that you never know what your life is going to look like in a year. Or a month, or even a week. I don't want to make the mistake of waiting until it's too late. The only time we are guaranteed is now."

Joker sighed. "I'd argue with you, but it sounds like you've thought about this a lot."

"I have." Kaidan looked out through the observation port again. Maybe Shepard had been right in the apartments, ironic as it is that she'd mentioned it after he'd just come home with the ring. But looking out their living room window she had talked about how many of their missions ran together with similarity.

When it came to how special _they _were, the rest of the galaxy didn't seem too big or unique.

"She's the one, Jeff."

Joker breathed deeply as he no doubt carefully calculated how he really felt. It was the feedback Kaidan really came here for.

"Well…" Joker said, scratching the hair beneath his cap for a moment and quickly replacing it again. "It won't be easy. There's a very small chance of success, as there always is in the military life. And if for some reason it fails, it means big trouble for the Alliance." Kaidan scoffed skeptically and Joker laughed.

"Ah hell." The pilot concluded. "It's got the _Normandy_'s name all over it."

"So… Yes?"

Joker laughed again. "Well, I'm not the one you have to convince. But sure, Alenko. I might even be a little happy for you."

Kaidan felt comforted by his friend's approval. But as Joker had so blatantly stated, he wasn't the one that needed to be convinced. "Listen, Joker. I know I owe you more than a few beers for listening to me over these last few weeks."

"And to Shepard." Joker said.

"Okay, yes. But… you've been there for me a lot. Even before all this happened, and so I know you got a lot of the crap end of my problems."

"Come on, Alenko. You mostly handled it all on your own. I just laid all the cards on the table for you."

"Maybe. But that's what I needed. Hell, if it weren't for you…"

"Yeah, you'd still be single, and Shepard would still be clueless. Or hey, maybe not. You do have a habit of tripping over your own tongue."

"That's what Ashley said." Kaidan said fondly.

His sentence got quiet towards the end. Suddenly he felt awkward. And cruel, like he was flaunting is relationship with Shepard in front of Joker's face, when Joker could've had the same thing. If the commander hadn't saved the lieutenant.

He didn't know what to say anymore, and Joker too went silent. In fact there was so much space between words that Kaidan almost forgot what they had been discussing once Joker spoke again.

"She would've laughed her ass off at this."

Kaidan looked at Joker, still unsure of what to say. Joker smiled to himself.

"She never would've believed you'd get the gall to ask, but she would've been tickled pink that you've decided to."

"Yeah." Kaidan agreed. "I owe her quite a few beers as well."

They sat in quiet contemplation, each imagining exactly what she _would_ have to say about this situation.

"_Incoming transmission_." The ship's voice announced, breaking their moment.

Kaidan habitually looked at the pilot's screens. "That's new. Did the _Normandy_ always notify-"

"No." Joker growled, fingers waltzing fancily over the keys. "I had to reinstate the default settings just to get her voice to come on again after Jaynen, and now I can't get the bitch to shut up."

Kaidan grinned without the strength to even try to cover it up.

"_Incoming trans_-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it!" Joker said sternly, finally hitting the final sequence to open the comm. He tossed Kaidan an unenthused look before pressing the transmit button.

"Hello, this is the _SSV Normandy_, Systems Alliance."

"Joker. Anderson here."

"Oh hey, _Councilor_, how're you doing? You finally gnaw off that chain to your desk?"

"Hardly, but it's good to hear your voice Joker." Anderson said. Kaidan could sense the man's lift in spirits. It must be hard to be off the _Normandy_, even after a year. The ship was supposed to be slated for Anderson, Kaidan couldn't imagine what it must've felt like to have been cut out of its workings all together.

"Yeah, miss you too, Captain." Joker teased, temporarily forgetting Anderson's new title. "So what can I do for you this fine morning?"

"You can grant me permission to come aboard." The former captain announced, a smile playing in his voice. "How close are you to the Citadel?"

"About twenty minutes out, sir." Joker reported.

"Good. I can meet you in dock D14. That is, if I have permission to come aboard."

"Well, I don't know, sir." Joker drawled lazily. "I'm not sure this old gal can handle a visit from her emancipated son."

"Joker!" Kaidan intervened. " Lieutenant Alenko speaking, sir. Permission granted. I'll alert the Commander."

"Actually Lieutenant, I was hoping to speak to you. Privately."

Kaidan's brow furrowed in confusion instinctively.

"_Me_, sir?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"Well, of course, Councilor." Kaidan slipped the ring box back into his pocket quickly, fighting the uneasiness that came with Anderson's statement. "I can meet you in the comm room, if you'd like."

"I'll be aboard shortly."

* * *

"Well, Lieutenant," Anderson said walking down the ramp into the descended circular comm room. "It is good to see you healthy and well."

"Likewise, Captain." Kaidan said trying to sound confident.

"Kaidan we both know I'm not serving as captain anymore. Council security will not allow it."

"Old habits, sir. But you are still 'Captain' to me." Kaidan said.

"Well, I appreciate that, Alenko." Anderson smiled.

"So, what is it you need, sir? Why are you here?"

They reached the center and the councilor turned to the lieutenant. Then as if remembering his purpose his face melted into seriousness again.

"Alenko… I'm going to be straight with you, and in return I want you to be straight with me. I am not making this call as a member of the council, or as your former captain, but as a friend. One who is rather fond of both you and Commander Shepard."

"Sir?" Kaidan tried to relax his stance so this would feel less like a civil trial, but it didn't help much.

"I know the commander downplays her vulnerabilities. Physical and… otherwise. I'm going to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer honestly. And don't try to be diplomatic about it. Now's not the time for fancy footwork. I need to know the truth."

Kaidan's stomach flipped. "Okay, sir."

Anderson breathed deeply to prepare himself and Kaidan mirrored him for the same reason.

"Alenko, how is the commander?" Anderson stood still, awaiting his reply. His calm mask was unnerving, but it did not cover the genuine concern in his voice.

Kaidan blinked. "I can honestly tell you she's doing fine. So far it doesn't seem to be any worse than after any other mission. After she woke up that is. She's got a few bruises, but Doctor Chakwas says she is fine. And she's returning to medbay daily, just to double check."

Anderson's expression didn't change. "That's good news, at least."

"Yes, sir." Kaidan heartily agreed.

Anderson paced thoughtfully to the observation rail. He didn't say anything for a good twenty more seconds. "How close was she to dying out there, Lieutenant?" Anderson said, his voice sounded grave.

Kaidan shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Well…"

Anderson rotated to face him purposefully. "I want it _straight,_ Alenko."

"Pretty damn close." Kaidan admitted somberly. "We all thought she had. Even she thought she was… towards the end." The lieutenant got quiet and dropped his eyes from the councilor long enough to regain cool composure.

"I know that you are very close to each other, Lieutenant." Anderson started again. "Far beyond the limits of regulations, am I right?"

Kaidan didn't reply, but that was confirmation enough.

"And like many others, I have turned the other cheek to that until now. I'm sure even you realize what is at stake here. Had Shepard died there on Jaynen, it wouldn't be only your personal loss Alenko, but a loss for millions of others."

"I'm well aware of that, sir." Kaidan said, feeling offended that the former captain thought he could forget.

"Alenko," Anderson led, resolutely. "Just how serious is your relationship with Commander Shepard?"

Kaidan thought for a moment on how to answer that question, but he knew there was only one honest response.

"Very." Kaidan answered, resisting the urge to slip his hand into his pocket and clasp the ring box.

Anderson took a deep sigh as if suddenly exhausted before looking up again. "Then it's time I spoke to both of you."

Kaidan's stomach squirmed unpleasantly again. "Joker?" He called to the room.

"One step ahead of you, Lieutenant. She'll be there in ten seconds."

The councilor shook his head fondly at Joker's small admittance to eavesdropping.

"Alenko." Anderson said sincerely. "I can't say as I'm surprised, and I don't pretend to question Shepard's judgment; or yours for that matter. But you know… this complicates things."

"What things?" A new voice entered the room. As anxious as Kaidan was feeling it was still soothing to have her with him.

"Hello, Shepard." Anderson said.

The commander came and stood close to Kaidan. He tried to meet her eyes, attempting to warn her of where this conversation was headed, but she wasn't looking at him. " Councilor Anderson? Is something wrong?"

"No, Shepard. This is an extremely _unofficial_ visit."

Shepard's eyes snapped to Kaidan and he witnessed the dots connect behind her pupils. Instinctively, or perhaps on purpose, she moved even closer. "I see."

Anderson's expression softened a little, but the distress didn't leave his face. "I am not doing this because I was asked to. Or even because I may be obligated to… I'm just genuinely concerned."

Next to the lieutenant, Shepard stood straight. "About what, sir?"

Anderson's gaze switched between the two of them for a moment and they nervously glanced at each other. Kaidan felt Separd fingers linger on his and he determinedly interlocked their hands, showing no signs of letting go.

"Shepard…" Anderson turned to her. "You know I stand behind you one hundred percent. You and the lieutenant are both very good soldiers."

"But?" Kaidan tested.

Anderson swallowed. "I need to know you both can still get the job done."

"Of course, Captain." Shepard defended. "My personal life-"

"Nearly got you killed." Anderson finished for her.

Kaidan tensed up involuntarily. He felt Shepard do the same as well.

"That's what this is about?" She asked.

"Look, I'm not _blaming_ you. Either of you. It's just… military relationships are hard, I _know_ that. I was in your shoes twenty years ago…"Anderson said. The couple glanced at each other again feeling worried. "It hurts and it's difficult. Under _normal_ circumstances."

"Are you…" Kaidan drug out. "Asking us to end this?"

"I can't do that officially."

"You've already mentioned that this was an unofficial visit." Shepard said, her voice sounding sharp.

Anderson shifted his own weight, considering the two for a moment. "If anyone can pull this off, you two can. But I worry if it's too much stress. Or simply just too much. Shepard, you almost died-"

"But I _didn't_." Shepard said quickly.

Anderson paused. "No. And if you were any other soldier that would be a good enough answer."

"Captain?" Kaidan squeezed Shepard's fingers.

Anderson genuinely seemed as though he weren't enjoying the conversation either, but still he continued. "I don't have to remind you that there are other matters, larger than this in your future."

Both Kaidan and Shepard remained silent.

"I have to believe that you two will not let this affect any current or future missions. But, given the context of this last one…"

"That was an isolated case." Shepard insisted, though with weakening conviction.

"We don't get to pick which missions are our last and why." Anderson said loudly, looking as though he were hating every word. "Shepard, you are _not_ expendable. If we lose you, we lose everything."

That's when Kaidan started to feel it. Slight as first, but growing. The seed of defeat in his gut, as much as he wanted to fight it, there were some things he could not argue against.

"If you are too stressed, too worried, too distracted-"

"Captain, I can handle it-"

"Are you willing to bet fifty trillion _lives_ on it?" Anderson interrupted, this time stronger.

"Will all due respect sir, aren't you?!" Shepard asked matching his tone. "Captain… you know I can do this." She sounded surprised, and hurt that the captain had doubted her, and Kaidan felt the emotion radiate from her.

"Shepard, I have looked upon you like a proud father. "Anderson admitted. "And that hasn't changed. It can't. And yes, I have faith in you. I believe you can stop the Reapers. If this galaxy stands a chance it lies in you! I _know_ you can do it. I'm even 99.7% sure that you could do that _and_ retain your relationship with the lieutenant. He is a good man. He understands the sacrifices you both may have to make."

Kaidan wanted to feel thankful for the compliment from the captain, but couldn't get past what the man was suggesting.

"Then why is this such a big deal?" Shepard asked.

"Because the other 0.3% means the difference between life and death for rest of civilization."

"Captain." Kaidan finally said. "Candidly, I'll admit I'd die for the commander. Any marine would. That wouldn't change if we weren't together anymore. Neither would my feelings for her."

"That's not really what I'm asking of you, Alenko. But I don't want to have to request for your reassignment either." It was a threat. Kaidan felt it. But it didn't sound like that from Captain Anderson. It sounded like a last resort. A painful option the councilor did not want to act on. "The galaxy needs you both to work side by side. _And_ remain clear headed. If we cannot have both of these conditions I will have no choice."

Kaidan felt Shepard warn him to tread lightly. But the grip in her fingers eased. They were losing.

"Captain…" Shepard ventured. "I would've thought if anyone could understand…"

"I know, Shepard. And I do. That's why this isn't official. Yet. But this last escapade of yours has got a lot people nervous. It's only a matter of time before the Alliance authorities take matters into their own hands and make an excuse to transfer the lieutenant elsewhere. Unless you are _absolutely_, impeccably, and relentlessly careful from here on in, it _will_ happen."

Kaidan could hardly believe it was Captain Anderson saying the words. In fact, he wouldn't have if he didn't recognize the regret in the man's tone. The sound that indicated Anderson was truly sorry for having to say it.

"Look, I don't want it to come to that anymore than you do. But the price tag on any relationship doesn't get any higher than this."

"What is it you want us to do, Captain?" Shepard met Anderson's gaze.

Anderson's expression was as soft as he could manage. "Don't let it come to that. Don't give them a reason to make sure you two are as far separated as possible. We are on the edge of total annihilation. And there is nothing people will stop at to keep themselves alive."

"Captain…"

"Just think about it." Anderson said. "The stakes are too high this time to risk mistakes."

"Understood, sir." Shepard finally said, with an unreadable expression on her face.

Alenko only nodded grimly.

"You must know how proud I am of you," Anderson said as if to apologize for the bluntness necessary for such a conversation. The corners of Anderson's mouth lifted for the first time since Shepard had entered the conversation. If only barely. "And I do care. About both of you. I know you'll do the right thing."

The couple didn't say anything. Anderson recognized his window to leave.

"Well, I'm sure you have other places to be right now." He said, glancing at the floor. "I'll leave you to your business. Just… think about what I said."

"Yes, Captain."

"Yes, Sir."

"Then I will leave you to your duties." Anderson looked as if he'd swallowed a slug. Then with purposeful intent the councilor turned on his heel and left.

It was dead still until the steel doors closed again over Anderson's retreating back, and they both sighed loudly. Kaidan finally released is grip on Shepard and she rubbed her face with her hands.

"Well…" He said lowly. "What do we do?"

"What can we do, Kaidan?" Shepard said, frustrated. She walked to a nearby chair and plopped into it, leaning forward on her elbows with her head bowed. "He's right."

"What?" Kaidan went to her and kneeled in front of her, searching for her face.

"He's _right_, Kaidan." She said lifting her face up and leaned slightly away from him. He felt a tiny tug on his heart. "There are people out there who will do anything to ensure their survival. And if they think separating us might do that, who's to say what they might do." She dropped her head again and didn't touch him. Oh how he wished she would. "They might hurt you. Throw you in prison, transfer you a thousands of lightyears away."

"Shepard…" He felt a familiar itch in the back of his throat, something painful and watery inching its way up to his eyes. "What are you saying?"

"I think… I think I need to go away for a little while to think."

"What?" His voice was the closest it had ever come to a whimper.

She finally leaned forward and rested her forehead on his shoulder, though she was shaking it back and forth. "I can't… I can't think around you. I need to go… for a few weeks. Maybe we should both take some time." Her voice was beginning to sound watery. "Away. Without contact. So we can think clearly for a little while." Her words bled together.

"Shepard." He said again. His fingers ran up her spine, as if he could touch her and heal all her doubts. "That sounds an awful lot like taking a break." His heart didn't like the way that felt. It stopped beating for a moment.

"Maybe it is."

He jumped back slightly as if she'd shocked him. Then he reached out to her, grasping for her legs, arms, anything. "No." He breathed. "No, no. I just, I just got you back. No, I can't lose you." His hand followed the line from her arm to her hand, and he clutched it desperately to his chest. "No, no I _need_ you, Shepard."

"I know." She said, actually crying now. "I know, I can't lose you either. I need you so much Kaidan." She hiccupped. Against his chest her fingers flexed and gripped. "I have to find a way to make this work, I _have_ to. And I just, I can't think around you. I can't… Kaidan, we _have_ to be okay."

"We will!" His voice cracked as he said it, hearing in her voice that she'd already made up her mind. "Together we can get through this. We'll find away, I promise-"

"The captain's right." She said again. "It's only a matter of time before someone demands it. And we have to find a way to keep that from happening."

"I can't lose you again!" He pulled her to him almost savagely, as if he could physically manifest the emotional force inside him.

"You're not going to!" She cried. "This isn't a break up, Kaidan. It's just two weeks to think on our own. To find a solution, a system. This is the only way we may be able to stay together. And I _have_ to find one!"

She slowly began prying herself away, but the tears sliding down her cheeks told him how much she resented even that.

"Shepard." He caught her face in his hands, demanding to see her eyes. But he couldn't find any new words. Just a million different variations of 'no'.

"You've been saying for awhile that you've wanted to see your family. And _I_ can't make the trip to Earth, I'd be ambushed." She said trying to dry his tears with her fingers, pointedly ignoring her own. "Kaidan, Kaidan."

She wrapped him in a hug and he lashed his arms around her. Unable to keep his balance at the same time they made the short fall to the floor. But he didn't make moves to get up and she didn't try to pull away.

He couldn't say anything until the tears dried and their breathing evened. But their voices were still broken as they lay on the floor holding each other.

"You have to promise you'll come back to me."

Her hand slid up his chest and she tilted her head back to see him. "Nothing could ever stop me." Still, her voice sounded weak, reluctant. "You know I love you. I just, I don't have a choice, Kaidan. I have to find a way. I'd do anything for you."

He sat up, pulling her with him and kissed her. Passion scorched his throat with the meaning he tried to put into it. When they stopped to breathe they sat there, faces mere inches from touching.

"I love you."

"I know you do." She whispered back, her voice returning. "It's only two weeks. And we have indefinite time right?" She huffed a weak little laugh. "Liara hasn't found anything. I'll be home and in your arms in no time. I just… think this is best. I mean, we haven't really been apart since we got together. I have to wonder if we've really stopped to think…"

"Then don't go right away." He pleaded. "Not as soon as we get home. Stay, please. Only for a few days. Please. Just not… not right away." He kissed her hair.

She absently played with the ridges in his pants. He watched as she stared at their matching combat boots, their blue camouflage uniforms, and he wondered what was going on in her mind. But his heart remembered that her fingers were only a foot or so away from the engagement ring. And she didn't even know it.

"Okay." She finally announced. "One day."

* * *

That should've comforted him. Having a plan like that. And he tried. He told himself all sorts of things. That she'd be back soon enough. That the only reason she felt this was necessary was because she loved him so much.

And it may have actually helped. In fact they were still on the docked ship running diagnostics when Kaidan began to come to terms with it.

After all, they'd been through more dramatic scenarios… more trying pain… and that was just this last week.

And all because he'd fallen in love with Commander Shepard.

Crazily, madly, ridiculously, powerfully. And sure, there were times when it was so intense it was exhausting; so painfully sharp it felt very much like how he imagined death to be. But the truth was, with her he'd never felt more alive.

He wasn't going to lose her. And she couldn't lose him. They were just caught in a place and time that wasn't prepared for a love like theirs.

So he convinced himself to accept it. After their last two weeks, another two couldn't be so bad. Not really.

And then who knew what the future held.

So he worked close to her, near to her, devotedly, already counting days. And banking on that one day they would have before she took off. And all the days afterward that he could look forward to.

No, he could handle two weeks if he had the weeks following to be with her. Back in their apartment, back to building their lives together. They were stronger than they had been before they'd left. And all the trouble it took to get to that point? It was worth it.

And he couldn't wait for the next part.

"Commander Shepard!" Alenko was startled out of thoughts at his work station. Joker's voice was excited, quick.

"What is it, Joker?" Shepard replied from her locker across the room, sensing her pilot's urgency.

"You're not going to believe this, Commander. We're getting a transmission from Ilos. Liara says she's found something!"

For one whole second time stopped. Kaidan's eyes met Shepard's as the galaxy around him exploded simultaneously, and there was no more room to breathe.

_And then his girlfriend disappeared._

"Joker! I want you to contact the council ASAP, get them linked into our transmission sequence and on the three-way communications system; I want it prepped by the time I get up there! Get Admiral Harnard on the line at Alliance Affairs. Tell him we need our navigation expert back _now_! I want Pressely off his senior-citizen ass and on the Citadel in thirty-two hours! Contact Admiral Hackett, tell him to relay all the Polaris files to the Citadel database on his own, she's not our priority anymore." The most dangerous woman in the world and first human spectre was already storming up the stairs and towards the bridge, continuing to bark out orders. "Hey, and ask Drellis if he's joining this chicken run!"

Kaidan watched her go until she was out of sight.

And smiled.

_**The End**_


	25. Author's Note: Contest!

Greetings all! I figured that posting a "chapter" would be the best way to alert anyone that has inspired me most (my dedicated readers of course) of this announcement!

Yes, I regret that my writing, as far as fanfiction is concerned, has dwindled down to almost nothing in the last year… That being said, I sincerely apologize, but ask for your support; for in fact, I have still be writing up a storm- but this is because you, my readers and most encouraging friends, have led me to begin working on my own original pieces of work in the hopes of being published!

However, my outlets have been firing away in many different directions, and I have currently outlined 5-6 different story ideas, and have worked at least a little on each one.

They all seem to be missing maybe just ooooooone more element or character… and I'm in the need for perhaps a second muse. So thinking about who inspires me most I thought of…

You.

I am holding a contest for those dearest to me to create for me one character, of any gender, age, or personality. This character will be placed in one of five stories that we will decide together; as will stay as part of the finished piece when I submit the work in for publication.

The winner also will be named in the dedication for being my muse, should the story get published.

What do you think, yes? This is an opportunity for us both to get the creative juices flowing!

For rules, guidelines, details, deadlines, and how to submit, please see my **profile**!

Please, I'm looking for someone seriously in love with deep story, and character complexity. I ask mainly in your participation that you have fun, and allow yourself to fall in love with the character you create.

I would very much look forward to hearing from you should you choose to participate!


End file.
